Need some advice, my Mom dropped a huge bit of info on me over Xmas

[Anonymous]

Agree with everything 17:14 said.

Also, depending on your parent's relationship (are they still together? are they happy? could they be without this secret between them?), I would encourage your mom to bring your dad to therapy with her when she is ready, so that she can tell him in a safe space. Imagine all the unanswered questions this might make clearer for him, after being married to her for so long.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry! I haven't read through all the responses, but whatever you are feeling at the moment is probably totally normal. My mom recently dropped a similar bomb on me (she'd been raped), and while it was old news and she had done quite a bit of processing about it, when it hit my ears, it was all new and horrifying. This is my MOM, damnit!! I pulled it together to tell her that I was glad she knew it wasn't her fault and was OK, but please respect that this was the first I was hearing about it and I needed time to be able to process it, too.

I think telling yout husband exactly what you typed here is probably a perfectly OK place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason given was he was wanted to see my children and have a relationship with them.

OP, I gasped out loud when I read this sentence, and I hadn't even gotten to the part about the molestation yet. I know a thing or two about molestation too, unfortunately, and any male relative who suddenly came poking around because he wanted to have a relationship with my kids would be greeted with the greatest suspicion. Your mom's revelation should send you running screaming from this man.

So I am saying, please DO NOT trust him to be around your children.

I wonder if it is too late for your mother to report this to the police and for him to become a registered offender. I realize this would be a huge step for her but I wonder how else to protect OTHER children from him.

If he has never been caught, and has not been treated, then I suspect it is very likely that his behavior has not changed. I hope you will do all in your power to help keep him out of situations with kids (like the other poster who mentioned a church choir).

And yes you should tell your husband, absolutely no question. He does not need to acknowledge that he knows about this to your mom. She is embarassed and ashamed (she shouldn't be, obviously) and that is why she wants as few people as possible to know. She is not thinking clearly but from a place of very (understandably) twisted emotion. I applaud her courage that she was able to speak up and possibly protect your kids.

To echo another poster whose advice I recently followed on this board, "tell, tell tell!"

To echo a book of my little daughters, "If a secret makes you feel bad inside, you need to tell".

That line from the OP also set off warning bells for me before I got to the part about uncle being a pedophile.
You need to do whatever is necessary to protect your children. You need your husband as an ally so he will understand why suddenly your children won't be visiting uncle XX anymore. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

[Anonymous]

This may really upset you or sound mean, but I would look into maybe distancing yourself from your Mother as well as your Uncle, until you can get some therapy, regarding this.

-Why would it take your Mother 3 years to tell you about her molesting brother, when she knows he is around her Grandchildren.

-Why the secrecy from your husband and hers? Is she protecting your Uncle or something?

I realize sexual abuse is very rampant in familes, and I do believe the reason it is, is because of things EXACTLY like this.
People dont want to cause 'problems' or want to keep everything hush hush, and what good does that do? Nothing. It lets the offender off the hook.

I can't tell you how many people I know who've been sexually abused by family members and chose to just deal with it inside the family or not at all for fear of breaking up family relations.
If this scenario involved you and your brother, would you let your brother around your children for 3 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may really upset you or sound mean, but I would look into maybe distancing yourself from your Mother as well as your Uncle, until you can get some therapy, regarding this.

-Why would it take your Mother 3 years to tell you about her molesting brother, when she knows he is around her Grandchildren.

-Why the secrecy from your husband and hers? Is she protecting your Uncle or something?

I realize sexual abuse is very rampant in familes, and I do believe the reason it is, is because of things EXACTLY like this.
People dont want to cause 'problems' or want to keep everything hush hush, and what good does that do? Nothing. It lets the offender off the hook.

I can't tell you how many people I know who've been sexually abused by family members and chose to just deal with it inside the family or not at all for fear of breaking up family relations.
If this scenario involved you and your brother, would you let your brother around your children for 3 years?

17:14 here. I respectfully disagree with everything this poster has said. Her mother has suffered enough. Also, please put this into context for her generation--people really did not discuss pedophilia/incestual pedophilia like society deals with it today. Regardless of what everyone thinks, victims still feel judged by society/family and I believe this poster is seriously judging the grandmother even now. You do not know her story.


The grandmother is now confronting issues that have been on the backburner her entire life--believe me, it's not easy. She realized what her brother was doing and she took action. Most pedophiles are usually attracted to a particular age range. Who knows what this particular age this pedophile is attracted to, but sounds like the grandmother was looking out for the grandchildren. To now remove her grandchildren from her would be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should go with your mother to her counselor if you can and if she will let you, and have the counsellor help your mom to see that this is something you can and should share with your husband.

I can understand wanting to keep mom's confidence BUT there should not be secrets like this between husband and wife.

Do not feel ashamed. This is not something you did.

I am in my fifties. Your mother needs counseling and is/was wrong to expose you as a child to her brother. Did she leave you alone with him? Tell your husband AND anyone else who you know with/out kids who can potentially have contact with the creep. he should be alienated and shunned - but always keep track of where he lives etc .

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. I did not respond last night as this tends to get me worked up and puts me in a mental place which is not good. First, thanks to everyone for the words of support.

I think what really took me by surprise were my feelings and how I don't feel able to cope with them. I wasn't sure if this was normal or not and if I was overreacting by thinking I might need counseling.

I do want to respond to some of the questions.

I am not going to confront my uncle. There is no need. He lives in another state and it is pointless to have a conversation with him. He will deny everything and tell me my mother is lying and crazy. He does not like women and has zero respect for him. At one point in his career he was accused of sexual harassment by a woman, so this gives you an idea of his beliefs about females.

I probably did not do a very clear job explaining how difficult it was for my mother to tell me this. Believe me, this was a woman in some serious pain. I don't think I've ever heard anyone tell me anything in quite so much pain. At the same time I was stunned.

Now I feel uncomfortable telling my husband as it has been about 2 weeks since I found out. I don't think my children were molested, but I do think they were put in a bad situation and this does make me uncomfortable. And as one of the previous posters pointed out, my mother did recognize that he was trying to groom one of the children. Which is one of the reasons why she did confront him and told him she didn't want him around anymore. I'm sad it took so long for her to do this. She did not seek therapy for several more months. The confrontation occurred in July and she started therapy in November. We also had some other family drama in October which resulted in the therapy.

Geez, we sound like some bad Lifetime movie.

My parents are together. And initially I encouraged her to tell him, but at the same time now I understand some of her reticence. Because in a weird way I'm experiencing the same emotions. I can't push this with her. She is working with a therapist and the therapist wants her to share this with him(my father). This is something which they will have to work on together.

I've always known there were some family secrets, and my fear this is not the end. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Anonymous]

if you're going through so much and keeping it secret from your husband.... i could see that creating some additional problems. i just worry about that. i understand your mom's perspective, but at the same time, this is your HUSBAND... the FATHER of your children who have potentially been harmed in some way. wouldn't you want his support? how would you feel if it was your husband going through this? wouldn't you want him to feel that he could share such traumatic news with his spouse and find support there? isn't that what he's there for? if i were him and found out about this somewhere randomly down the line, i would be pissed. at the uncle and at you. sorry to be brutal but really, i think someone needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you're going through so much and keeping it secret from your husband.... i could see that creating some additional problems. i just worry about that. i understand your mom's perspective, but at the same time, this is your HUSBAND... the FATHER of your children who have potentially been harmed in some way. wouldn't you want his support? how would you feel if it was your husband going through this? wouldn't you want him to feel that he could share such traumatic news with his spouse and find support there? isn't that what he's there for? if i were him and found out about this somewhere randomly down the line, i would be pissed. at the uncle and at you. sorry to be brutal but really, i think someone needs to be.

I'm the OP. You think I don't get that? Do you think I'm living in some sort of vacuum here? I do feel loyalty to my mother. Christ, she's my mother and she's in pain. I resent the fact she asked me to keep this to myself. She dropped this on me the day after Christmas. We were at my parents. Zero privacy and I was sick. The whole thing made me emotional and I felt like I had to zip it up and keep a lid on it. One thing I've learned since I've become a parent is you don't always have the luxury of your emotions or acting on them. Then once I let it sit, I started doing lots of thinking. And that's when I started worrying about telling my husband. What if he freaks and gets really angry with my mother? I think he will be sensitive, but what if he panics? I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I know how to deal with my own feelings let alone his. I completely recognize the fact he is impacted by this and I also know it is going to present a whole host of issues which I'm not sure I'm capable of handling.

But honestly, it is not helpful attacking me. I consider myself a strong person, but I was in no way prepared for the feelings this stirred up in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you're going through so much and keeping it secret from your husband.... i could see that creating some additional problems. i just worry about that. i understand your mom's perspective, but at the same time, this is your HUSBAND... the FATHER of your children who have potentially been harmed in some way. wouldn't you want his support? how would you feel if it was your husband going through this? wouldn't you want him to feel that he could share such traumatic news with his spouse and find support there? isn't that what he's there for? if i were him and found out about this somewhere randomly down the line, i would be pissed. at the uncle and at you. sorry to be brutal but really, i think someone needs to be.

I'm the OP. You think I don't get that? Do you think I'm living in some sort of vacuum here? I do feel loyalty to my mother. Christ, she's my mother and she's in pain. I resent the fact she asked me to keep this to myself. She dropped this on me the day after Christmas. We were at my parents. Zero privacy and I was sick. The whole thing made me emotional and I felt like I had to zip it up and keep a lid on it. One thing I've learned since I've become a parent is you don't always have the luxury of your emotions or acting on them. Then once I let it sit, I started doing lots of thinking. And that's when I started worrying about telling my husband. What if he freaks and gets really angry with my mother? I think he will be sensitive, but what if he panics? I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I know how to deal with my own feelings let alone his. I completely recognize the fact he is impacted by this and I also know it is going to present a whole host of issues which I'm not sure I'm capable of handling.

But honestly, it is not helpful attacking me. I consider myself a strong person, but I was in no way prepared for the feelings this stirred up in me.

You need to confide in your husband. He needs to know and has every right to get angry at your mother. In this situation you must be practical and do as much as possible to prevent him from having any sort of access to all relatives children. You do not need any guilt nor does anyone else deserve the pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you're going through so much and keeping it secret from your husband.... i could see that creating some additional problems. i just worry about that. i understand your mom's perspective, but at the same time, this is your HUSBAND... the FATHER of your children who have potentially been harmed in some way. wouldn't you want his support? how would you feel if it was your husband going through this? wouldn't you want him to feel that he could share such traumatic news with his spouse and find support there? isn't that what he's there for? if i were him and found out about this somewhere randomly down the line, i would be pissed. at the uncle and at you. sorry to be brutal but really, i think someone needs to be.

I'm the OP. You think I don't get that? Do you think I'm living in some sort of vacuum here? I do feel loyalty to my mother. Christ, she's my mother and she's in pain. I resent the fact she asked me to keep this to myself. She dropped this on me the day after Christmas. We were at my parents. Zero privacy and I was sick. The whole thing made me emotional and I felt like I had to zip it up and keep a lid on it. One thing I've learned since I've become a parent is you don't always have the luxury of your emotions or acting on them. Then once I let it sit, I started doing lots of thinking. And that's when I started worrying about telling my husband. What if he freaks and gets really angry with my mother? I think he will be sensitive, but what if he panics? I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I know how to deal with my own feelings let alone his. I completely recognize the fact he is impacted by this and I also know it is going to present a whole host of issues which I'm not sure I'm capable of handling.

But honestly, it is not helpful attacking me. I consider myself a strong person, but I was in no way prepared for the feelings this stirred up in me.

Do you not trust your husband to act appropriately and supportively? Because that is how it comes off. I'm not trying to attack you, so I'm sorry if it comes out that way, but this does bother me that you're so hesitant to tell him. You had no problem telling a world of strangers either. It's understandable, but I don't think it's right.

[Anonymous]

The OP again.

PP I'm sorry, but I don't think you read my response very carefully. I was in a position of where I could not tell him right away. And then once it was allowed to sit and stew, then I started to worry about his reaction. I'm probably not being rational, but try walking in my shoes. I'm almost 40 years old. I know all of the participants. My perspective on my family and the world has radically changed. It will NEVER be the same again. I trust my husband, but can you not understand why I'm scared to to tell him and to try and deal with his emotional baggage when I feel like I'm dealing with my own and my mother's already? Right now I don't think I could handle a huge emotional outburst on his part. And seriously I have no idea how he is going to react. I've already stated I was surprised at my own reaction. I'm going to bet you probably have an idea of how you would react in this situation, but I think you would be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if you're going through so much and keeping it secret from your husband.... i could see that creating some additional problems. i just worry about that. i understand your mom's perspective, but at the same time, this is your HUSBAND... the FATHER of your children who have potentially been harmed in some way. wouldn't you want his support? how would you feel if it was your husband going through this? wouldn't you want him to feel that he could share such traumatic news with his spouse and find support there? isn't that what he's there for? if i were him and found out about this somewhere randomly down the line, i would be pissed. at the uncle and at you. sorry to be brutal but really, i think someone needs to be.

I'm the OP. You think I don't get that? Do you think I'm living in some sort of vacuum here? I do feel loyalty to my mother. Christ, she's my mother and she's in pain. I resent the fact she asked me to keep this to myself. She dropped this on me the day after Christmas. We were at my parents. Zero privacy and I was sick. The whole thing made me emotional and I felt like I had to zip it up and keep a lid on it. One thing I've learned since I've become a parent is you don't always have the luxury of your emotions or acting on them. Then once I let it sit, I started doing lots of thinking. And that's when I started worrying about telling my husband. What if he freaks and gets really angry with my mother? I think he will be sensitive, but what if he panics? I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I know how to deal with my own feelings let alone his. I completely recognize the fact he is impacted by this and I also know it is going to present a whole host of issues which I'm not sure I'm capable of handling.

But honestly, it is not helpful attacking me. I consider myself a strong person, but I was in no way prepared for the feelings this stirred up in me.

I agree that it's completely unhelpful for people to attack you. You have A LOT on your mind and it's obviously incredibly painful and emotional stuff. My heart aches for you.

I also hear where you're coming from on not feeling ready to tell your husband. Yes, he might freak out and make things harder on your mother. On the other hand, he might be very sensitive and supportive. Personally, I would take the plunge and tell him -- even if it feels hugely risky and uncomfortable. Secrets are absolute POISON to a marriage. And above all else I go back to the idea that marriage is about doubling the joy and halving the pain. You deserve as much support as possible on this. Waiting two weeks to tell him is completely understandable -- please don't let that hold you back from getting it out now. If it were me, I'd tell DH up front that I've been in incredible pain since learning a horrible family secret and really need his understanding and support. Together you will get through this!

[Anonymous]

DH will find out. Apologetically tell him ASAP. I can't imagine the pain you're going through and will pray for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP again.

Right now I don't think I could handle a huge emotional outburst on his part. And seriously I have no idea how he is going to react. I've already stated I was surprised at my own reaction.

I totally understand. How about just telling him exactly that up front? It's amazing how well most people can pull themselves together to be supportive, especially when the people they love ask them to do so.

If it were me, I would sit him down and literally say that I don't want to scare him, but I learned an absolutely horrible secret about my family. I'd say that I'm an absolute wreck about it and am having a really hard time dealing, so I need him to focus on being really calm and supportive when I tell him. I would literally ask him if he can do that. Once he focuses and agrees to stay calm and supportive, I would tell him.

Good luck, hon. You're doing great with an horrific situation. Do whatever it takes to get the support you need to get through it.