TTC friend has cut me off

[Anonymous]

OP is it possible this isn't even related to her infertility? If she doesn't have any kids and "the group" is headed into childrearing 2.0, is it possible she just has less and less in common with the group? Are there other childless women in your circle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I almost think it would be worse for the person with secondary infertility because they actually know what it's like to create life and be a parent. People with primary infertility are wallowing in self-imposed misery about a concept that is completely abstract to them. I feel worse for the person who actually knows what it's like, chooses to do it again, and can not.

"Wallowing in self-imposed misery"? You are truly, truly an asshole. Feel better or worse for whomever you want, but please - if you've never experienced primary infertility, try to refrain from insulting those have and minimizing their very real emotional pain.

The way I see it, it is much like having a friend who gets a boat. You know you want a boat because it is common knowledge that boats are awesome! boats are the shit! but you can't afford one. So you envelop yourself in an increasingly intense echo chamber of irrational jealousy, despair and rage until you must cut off contact with your friends, because you can't bear to see your friends enjoying themselves on the glistening water with their tans and their Ray-Bans and their cervezas. But you don't know what it's really like to have a boat. You don't know what it's like to stay up at night with a knot in your stomach because you accounted for boat payments and insurance and slip fees, but had no idea how expensive the maintenance would be; because suddenly you don't know whether people actually want to hang out with you, or if they just want to hang out on your boat; because you are stressed out about fitting into boating culture (buying nautical themed clothing, floppy hats ... the next logical step is to buy a waverunner, but then you're going to need a beach house!); because that damn boat is running your finances into the ground. You have no idea what it is like to be a boat owner, yet you'll cut off your previously close friends all because they have a boat and you don't? It is indeed self-imposed misery. Not everyone gets to have a boat.

[Anonymous]

PP, please stop. Comparing a child to a boat is ridiculous, and I think you know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, please stop. Comparing a child to a boat is ridiculous, and I think you know it.

Do you have a child? Or a boat, for that matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I almost think it would be worse for the person with secondary infertility because they actually know what it's like to create life and be a parent. People with primary infertility are wallowing in self-imposed misery about a concept that is completely abstract to them. I feel worse for the person who actually knows what it's like, chooses to do it again, and can not.

"Wallowing in self-imposed misery"? You are truly, truly an asshole. Feel better or worse for whomever you want, but please - if you've never experienced primary infertility, try to refrain from insulting those have and minimizing their very real emotional pain.

The way I see it, it is much like having a friend who gets a boat. You know you want a boat because it is common knowledge that boats are awesome! boats are the shit! but you can't afford one. So you envelop yourself in an increasingly intense echo chamber of irrational jealousy, despair and rage until you must cut off contact with your friends, because you can't bear to see your friends enjoying themselves on the glistening water with their tans and their Ray-Bans and their cervezas. But you don't know what it's really like to have a boat. You don't know what it's like to stay up at night with a knot in your stomach because you accounted for boat payments and insurance and slip fees, but had no idea how expensive the maintenance would be; because suddenly you don't know whether people actually want to hang out with you, or if they just want to hang out on your boat; because you are stressed out about fitting into boating culture (buying nautical themed clothing, floppy hats ... the next logical step is to buy a waverunner, but then you're going to need a beach house!); because that damn boat is running your finances into the ground. You have no idea what it is like to be a boat owner, yet you'll cut off your previously close friends all because they have a boat and you don't? It is indeed self-imposed misery. Not everyone gets to have a boat.

Nutbar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.

Signed - been there, done that.

Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.

Would you be so callous if your friend was dealing with a life-threatening illness? What if she suffered a death in her immediate family? Why are you making someone else's hardship about your needs?

Exactly. No one would dream of using the phrase "wallowing in poor me-dom" to describe someone in those situations. It's because deep down, people (mostly those who've never experienced it) don't believe infertility is a good enough reason to experience significant grief or depression. It isn't worthy of our compassion in the way that other tragedies are. Instead, infertiles are told to "buck up" and "deal with it".

What crap. We experienced infertility, IVF, multiple miscarriages and then, when we were finally pregnant, a diagnosis at 20 weeks that the baby would not live more than a few minutes after birth. Of course we experienced significant grief and depression, and anyone who tells me I just don't understand can just suck it. It's not about minimizing the grief, it's expecting people to deal with that grief in an adult manner. And to the pp who compared infertility to getting a serious illness or losing a lived one, get real. At bottom, your not getting something you want. Something you desperately want, sure, but you're not 7. Act your age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The gall of infertile women to cut themselves off from the joy in the life of others and then be ready to be all happy and friendly once you have a baby. That sort of behavior is incredibly toxic and egotistical.

Or, as the PP mentioned, the totally normal pattern of someone who suffers from depression and then gets that depression under control. Mental illness is a real disease, even if you don't believe that infertility is. Many different life situations can lead to depression, infertility included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I almost think it would be worse for the person with secondary infertility because they actually know what it's like to create life and be a parent. People with primary infertility are wallowing in self-imposed misery about a concept that is completely abstract to them. I feel worse for the person who actually knows what it's like, chooses to do it again, and can not.

"Wallowing in self-imposed misery"? You are truly, truly an asshole. Feel better or worse for whomever you want, but please - if you've never experienced primary infertility, try to refrain from insulting those have and minimizing their very real emotional pain.

The way I see it, it is much like having a friend who gets a boat. You know you want a boat because it is common knowledge that boats are awesome! boats are the shit! but you can't afford one. So you envelop yourself in an increasingly intense echo chamber of irrational jealousy, despair and rage until you must cut off contact with your friends, because you can't bear to see your friends enjoying themselves on the glistening water with their tans and their Ray-Bans and their cervezas. But you don't know what it's really like to have a boat. You don't know what it's like to stay up at night with a knot in your stomach because you accounted for boat payments and insurance and slip fees, but had no idea how expensive the maintenance would be; because suddenly you don't know whether people actually want to hang out with you, or if they just want to hang out on your boat; because you are stressed out about fitting into boating culture (buying nautical themed clothing, floppy hats ... the next logical step is to buy a waverunner, but then you're going to need a beach house!); because that damn boat is running your finances into the ground. You have no idea what it is like to be a boat owner, yet you'll cut off your previously close friends all because they have a boat and you don't? It is indeed self-imposed misery. Not everyone gets to have a boat.

Creating progeny is the single most deeply ingrained biological urge we (as a species) possess. It is our most primary function as living beings. Comparing wanting a child to wanting a boat is ludicrous.

And you are aware, I hope, that not everyone who experience primary infertility cut themselves off from family and friends who have children. Right? Some may, but most don't. Most go on with their lives and keep their pain mostly to themselves. But anyone who experiences emotional pain and distress over not being able to bear a child at all is wallowing in their misery, but someone who wants a second child is not, simply because the former doesn't know what it's like to be a parent and the second does? I state it again: you're an asshole.

PS: I have a child, conceived after years of infertility and multiple IVF. Four pregnancy losses, most recently two months ago. I know what it's like to want a first child and face the prospect of never having one, and I know what it's like to want a second child and be facing the prospect of not having being able to have another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.

Signed - been there, done that.

what about all of the single women who participate in your baby and bridal showers who feel like they will never have one of their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.

Signed - been there, done that.

what about all of the single women who participate in your baby and bridal showers who feel like they will never have one of their own?

That has to be worse. At least infertile women have their DHs to go through life with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.

Signed - been there, done that.

Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.

Would you be so callous if your friend was dealing with a life-threatening illness? What if she suffered a death in her immediate family? Why are you making someone else's hardship about your needs?

Exactly. No one would dream of using the phrase "wallowing in poor me-dom" to describe someone in those situations. It's because deep down, people (mostly those who've never experienced it) don't believe infertility is a good enough reason to experience significant grief or depression. It isn't worthy of our compassion in the way that other tragedies are. Instead, infertiles are told to "buck up" and "deal with it".

What crap. We experienced infertility, IVF, multiple miscarriages and then, when we were finally pregnant, a diagnosis at 20 weeks that the baby would not live more than a few minutes after birth. Of course we experienced significant grief and depression, and anyone who tells me I just don't understand can just suck it. It's not about minimizing the grief, it's expecting people to deal with that grief in an adult manner. And to the pp who compared infertility to getting a serious illness or losing a lived one, get real. At bottom, your not getting something you want. Something you desperately want, sure, but you're not 7. Act your age.

Case in point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.

Signed - been there, done that.

Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.

Would you be so callous if your friend was dealing with a life-threatening illness? What if she suffered a death in her immediate family? Why are you making someone else's hardship about your needs?

Exactly. No one would dream of using the phrase "wallowing in poor me-dom" to describe someone in those situations. It's because deep down, people (mostly those who've never experienced it) don't believe infertility is a good enough reason to experience significant grief or depression. It isn't worthy of our compassion in the way that other tragedies are. Instead, infertiles are told to "buck up" and "deal with it".

What crap. We experienced infertility, IVF, multiple miscarriages and then, when we were finally pregnant, a diagnosis at 20 weeks that the baby would not live more than a few minutes after birth. Of course we experienced significant grief and depression, and anyone who tells me I just don't understand can just suck it. It's not about minimizing the grief, it's expecting people to deal with that grief in an adult manner. And to the pp who compared infertility to getting a serious illness or losing a lived one, get real. At bottom, your not getting something you want. Something you desperately want, sure, but you're not 7. Act your age.

Case in point.

Big difference between grieving a loved one's death and having a pity party because you aren't getting something you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.

Signed - been there, done that.

Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.

Would you be so callous if your friend was dealing with a life-threatening illness? What if she suffered a death in her immediate family? Why are you making someone else's hardship about your needs?

Exactly. No one would dream of using the phrase "wallowing in poor me-dom" to describe someone in those situations. It's because deep down, people (mostly those who've never experienced it) don't believe infertility is a good enough reason to experience significant grief or depression. It isn't worthy of our compassion in the way that other tragedies are. Instead, infertiles are told to "buck up" and "deal with it".

What crap. We experienced infertility, IVF, multiple miscarriages and then, when we were finally pregnant, a diagnosis at 20 weeks that the baby would not live more than a few minutes after birth. Of course we experienced significant grief and depression, and anyone who tells me I just don't understand can just suck it. It's not about minimizing the grief, it's expecting people to deal with that grief in an adult manner. And to the pp who compared infertility to getting a serious illness or losing a lived one, get real. At bottom, your not getting something you want. Something you desperately want, sure, but you're not 7. Act your age.

Case in point.

How is that "case in point"? Did you read PP's first few sentences?

[Anonymous]

I dare all of you judgmental, nasty people attacking infertiles to walk a mile in your supposed friends shoes. Comparing wanting a baby/ infertility to wanting a boat is ridiculous. Minimizing someones grief is obnoxious and cruel.

[Anonymous]

I cut off a long distance friend when I got an invitation to her baby shower. I was around 30 at the time and EVERYONE around me was getting married and/or having babies, including my sister, my brother, my cousins, etc. Everyone except me. I couldn't shut those people out of my life but I could this friend. It was just like the final straw. This was a painful period in my life and I spiraled into depression because I didn't even have a boyfriend at the time. So she, unwittingly, became one of the ways I tried to cope. It was just like (for me) NO MORE... I can't handle it. I know she still feels hurt, and I've never contacted her to reconcile or explain my actions. I feel bad about it, but so be it.