TTC friend has cut me off

[Anonymous]

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maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.

Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people reach out. Others turn inward and need time alone to process.

I think that's fine. I still can see how it's hurtful to shut your friends out without simply saying, "You know, it's a tough time right now, and I just need some space for awhile." Regardless of our pain, we are not absolved from considering how our actions make others feel.

A true friend can recognize this without the one in pain needing to spell it out.

[Anonymous]

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maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.

Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people reach out. Others turn inward and need time alone to process.

I think that's fine. I still can see how it's hurtful to shut your friends out without simply saying, "You know, it's a tough time right now, and I just need some space for awhile." Regardless of our pain, we are not absolved from considering how our actions make others feel.

A true friend can recognize this without the one in pain needing to spell it out.

I think you're missing the point. Of course you can recognize a friend is in pain. That doesn't mean you would necessarily understand why they are pushing you away, instead of letting you be there for them, as you would be in other situations. I have been the one in pain, and I have also been the friend pushed away with no explanation. It hurts. So when I began to deal with my situation, the last thing I wanted to do was make any of my friends feel that way by wondering why I wasn't speaking to them anymore. I've never needed them more than I do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.

Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people reach out. Others turn inward and need time alone to process.

I think that's fine. I still can see how it's hurtful to shut your friends out without simply saying, "You know, it's a tough time right now, and I just need some space for awhile." Regardless of our pain, we are not absolved from considering how our actions make others feel.

A true friend can recognize this without the one in pain needing to spell it out.

Oh, so now it's a litmus test for how good a friend you are? I'm sorry, I just don't really get that way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.

Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people reach out. Others turn inward and need time alone to process.

I think that's fine. I still can see how it's hurtful to shut your friends out without simply saying, "You know, it's a tough time right now, and I just need some space for awhile." Regardless of our pain, we are not absolved from considering how our actions make others feel.

Sure. But I would hope that my true friends would cut me a little slack when they know I'm going through an especially hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

maril332 wrote:I'm on OP's side. Her friend does not have to act like she's the first person in the world to have issues in life. Ignoring good friends doesn't make it easier.

I have to agree. I have secondary infertility and missing out on my friends' new children is anathema to me. I choose to think of it as an opportunity to flex my maternal side and grow the love around me, even if it isn't in the way I had imagined. I understand the pain people go through, but it is hard for me to understand what is gained by isolating oneself and pushing away people who want to love and support you. I have found that talking frankly about our situation has helped immensely, and that far from being "insensitive," my friends have proven themselves to be amazingly sensitive, gracious, and supportive.

I'm sorry but secondary infertility is different from not being able to have any children at all. You really don't understand that?

I do understand that. But I'm really glad that the people in Resolve group aren't like you, because it's not about whose got it worse and winning the "my life sucks more than yours" game. It's about the fact that everyone in that group has suffered loss in some form or another, and is trying to deal with it. I'm not judging those people, and thankfully they don't judge me or suggest that I don't have the right to be there. I simply said it's hard for me to understand what is gained by cutting people off and making yourself increasingly isolated in your pain.

Everyone deals with pain differently. Some people reach out. Others turn inward and need time alone to process.

I think that's fine. I still can see how it's hurtful to shut your friends out without simply saying, "You know, it's a tough time right now, and I just need some space for awhile." Regardless of our pain, we are not absolved from considering how our actions make others feel.

Sure. But I would hope that my true friends would cut me a little slack when they know I'm going through an especially hard time.

I'm sure they would. I did. But it still hurt my feelings when it happened to me, and though we are now beyond it, our friendship is not the same. We're just not as close as we once were, and I'm not sure we ever will be. Again, I'm not passing judgment, but it's the truth of how I feel.

[Anonymous]

I think your friend is an immature, selfish jerk and you are better off without someone so incredibly shallow in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend is an immature, selfish jerk and you are better off without someone so incredibly shallow in your life.

Well, that's taking a bit too far, don't you think? I think both sides have a responsibility to continue considering how the other side feels. Isn't that what friendship is all about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend is an immature, selfish jerk and you are better off without someone so incredibly shallow in your life.

Well, that's taking a bit too far, don't you think? I think both sides have a responsibility to continue considering how the other side feels. Isn't that what friendship is all about?

No, I think cutting off a friendship because you want to wallow in poor me-dom is taking it too far.

[Anonymous]

I decided to be childfree and pretty much distance myself from friends with kids. It is never the same afterward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I decided to be childfree and pretty much distance myself from friends with kids. It is never the same afterward.

But why? I don't understand the logic that deciding to be childfree means you can't be friends with people who have kids. We have kids and have lots of childfree friends by choice. Can you explain this to me?

[Anonymous]

OP - a lot of people struggling with infertility react this was. I did IUIs and IVF and I never felt like this, but on the IF message boards I read a lot of people who cry all the way home from family events, are shaking with rage when people announce pregnancies on FB, and get upset on holidays, back to school, mothers' day, and basically any day that ends in Y. They have this code for messages so no one accidentally reads a thread that talks about pregnancies, children, miscarriages, etc. The culture of IF is the opposite of DCUM - everyone is overly sensitive to offending no one and everyone is easily offended anyway.

I don't understand, but I try not to judge. I agree to just drop her a note or a phone message once and a while (without kid noise in the background) and say you're thinking of her. Offer to go out with her for coffee or lunch. Don't talk about your kids at all. If she asks keep it brief and talk about the news, movies, her job, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend is an immature, selfish jerk and you are better off without someone so incredibly shallow in your life.

Well, that's taking a bit too far, don't you think? I think both sides have a responsibility to continue considering how the other side feels. Isn't that what friendship is all about?

No, I think cutting off a friendship because you want to wallow in poor me-dom is taking it too far.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people go through phases (often due to some sort of heart ache) where they retreat into themselves. Then they move past that. Just be there for her, but give her space.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you've never been through it, you have NO IDEA how incredibly difficult and painful it is. Please, just give her time and space. And in the meantime, if you are a believer, please pray for her.

Signed - been there, done that.

Yeah, pray for her while she gives you her ass to kiss. The world doesn't revolve around her infertility.

Would you be so callous if your friend was dealing with a life-threatening illness? What if she suffered a death in her immediate family? Why are you making someone else's hardship about your needs?

Exactly. No one would dream of using the phrase "wallowing in poor me-dom" to describe someone in those situations. It's because deep down, people (mostly those who've never experienced it) don't believe infertility is a good enough reason to experience significant grief or depression. It isn't worthy of our compassion in the way that other tragedies are. Instead, infertiles are told to "buck up" and "deal with it".

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the responses, but same thing happened to me. I assumed it was because I had kids already and while I had a horrid pregnancy with one and there were subsequent medical issues, etc, I had an easy time getting pregnant. I gave her space. I figured when my first was in distress and also had some delays it was hard for me to hear about happy, healthy kids who are developing normally. I didn't cut anyone off, but it was painful. Anyway, friend came around once she had twins. We never talked about the cut off, but I assume it was because of her difficulty getting pregnant since that was what she shared before she stopped talking to me. Now it's like nothing happened and I love hearing about and seeing her twins. My first born is doing much better thank goodness.