Why won't my wife shop at Giant or Safeway like a normal person?

[Anonymous]

DH and I just discussed this and he supports me. I only shop at whole foods b/c I don't have to sort through all the crap that isn't really food to find actual food (box reading just isn't going to happen with a toddler in tow) and the quality is infinitely better for produce, meat, bread and basically everything else for not that much more money. Every time I walk into a "regular" grocery store, I wonder why the hell we can't just produce food in this country that isn't full of a bunch of chemicals and crap that make us fat and mess with developing brains.

You can't control all the cr@p that we're exposed to but for the things we can control, like the quality of food we're purchasing, why not try to minimize exposure that way?

I totally get where your wife is coming from.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the issue is less where you shop and more how you shop. Buying a bunch of food that gets thrown away is a waste of money. Buying that much food and then eating out all the time is a waste of money. Meal planning really is crucial. You make a list of meals, you buy the food to make those meals, you make those meals. If you cut out the waste, your expeditures will go down no matter where you shop.

And honestly, I don't buy the "no time to cook" line from a SAHP unless you have some truly extraordinary circumstances. There are tons of dinners that can be made in 30 minutes or less, or slow cooker recipes, or things you can make ahead, freeze, and reheat. I WOH and we eat out twice a week, max, including the weekends.

[Anonymous]

I shop at WF for milk and sometimes for cakes. At TJ's, I buy cereal, certain frozen and convenient goodies like rice and mushrooms turnovers. At Giant, I buy zucchinis and butternut squash, and other vegetables.
Everything else at Costco.
Sign,
SAHM

[Anonymous]

Groceries are the least of your problems. You and she need to get on the same financial page. I would discuss it in front of a marriage counselor. This is seriously deal-breaker stuff. If it was just food, I would offer a work around for that small portion of the budget. The problem you describe in your follow-up post is much bigger than that. Your wife does not understand how the family finances work and is not supportive of you being able to successfully support the family. Either she needs to get on board with your financial goals, she needs to go back to work so that she can afford all of the financial goals she seems to have, or you need to maintain reasonable financial goals and give her only a small portion of the budget that is within her control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I just discussed this and he supports me. I only shop at whole foods b/c I don't have to sort through all the crap that isn't really food to find actual food (box reading just isn't going to happen with a toddler in tow) and the quality is infinitely better for produce, meat, bread and basically everything else for not that much more money. Every time I walk into a "regular" grocery store, I wonder why the hell we can't just produce food in this country that isn't full of a bunch of chemicals and crap that make us fat and mess with developing brains.

You can't control all the cr@p that we're exposed to but for the things we can control, like the quality of food we're purchasing, why not try to minimize exposure that way?

I totally get where your wife is coming from.

Yeah, isn't it crazy that you can't buy cage-free eggs, organic milk, and organic produce at conventional grocery stores?

oh wait...

[Anonymous]

OP, I used to be just like your wife. Shopped at WF, ate out constantly, couldn't care less what produce was in season ("raspberries in December? Yes please!"). And was like this in every area of my life. Would valet my car instead of looking for parking, (or just paid the ticket), couldn't have guessed where the cheapest gas was (and didn't care).

And this was my own money I was spending. DD came along and that lifestyle came to a screeching halt.

I'm a high earner, and I look back on that period of time in my life and remember a certain kind of "freedom" I felt, not every worrying about money because I wasn't supporting anyone else. Which was nice, but it was also pretty lonely. My parents asked recently how I did such a financial 180 when I had her, and I simply said that before, I had no skin in the game. Now I wasn't saving a dime, but that wasn't real to me either. Not feeling accountable to anyone makes the economic savings of shopping at Safeway worth less than the status value of shopping at WF. Now that I support both of us, I take pride in the savings I accumulate by living beneath my means and knowing that she and I will have good health and dental care, education, can travel to see the grandparents, etc. I live leaner but lead a much more meaningful life.

I'm guessing that there's not much team spirit between you and your wife regarding the life you're building together. Don't mean that as a criticism. It happens. Life is busy and with little kids it's tough. But it sounds like she doesn't feel accountable re: the $$ she spends at WF, and may even feel entitled to do so, bc your roles are so separate. I agree with PP's that you should have some involvement with cooking/shopping, but even if you guys went the more traditional route and you worked/she shops/cooks, it's possible to see it all as a shared goal. Your job + her home skills = both your family. You're in it together. These fights are usually about deeper emotional issues anyway. Perhaps approach it that way.

FYI, for everyone saying milk/cheese/rice costs the same at WF and Giant, you're right. They're called "loss leaders". They're products priced below the minimum profit margin (but not below cost) in an effort to get you in the store where you're likely to buy more expensive things. They're typically perishable (so you can't stockpile), placed in the back of the store (so you have to walk by many other things), are products customers buy frequently (so they perceive the unusually low price as a bargain). In other words: you come for the milk, you stay for the Goji berries. For the folks religiously sticking to a meal plan and shopping in season, yes you can beat the game. But most people cannot. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I just discussed this and he supports me. I only shop at whole foods b/c I don't have to sort through all the crap that isn't really food to find actual food (box reading just isn't going to happen with a toddler in tow) and the quality is infinitely better for produce, meat, bread and basically everything else for not that much more money. Every time I walk into a "regular" grocery store, I wonder why the hell we can't just produce food in this country that isn't full of a bunch of chemicals and crap that make us fat and mess with developing brains.

You can't control all the cr@p that we're exposed to but for the things we can control, like the quality of food we're purchasing, why not try to minimize exposure that way?

I totally get where your wife is coming from.

You realize that Whole Foods has plenty of "crap that is not actual food", right?

Also, it's not that tough to look at the label of a thing while you have a toddler in tow, unless your toddler has 4 arms and the power of levitation.

[Anonymous]

What did all you people do before Whole Foods and Trader Joe's took over everywhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I've tried. I sat down at work and created an extensive Excel spreadsheet with all of our transaction and showed exactly how much per month is going out to whole foods. She takes it as an affront to her ability to be a homemaker when I challenge how much we spend on groceries and dining out.

Honestly, she SHOULD take it as an affront to her ability to be a homemaker. It doesn't sound like she's very good at it, if she MUST spend $1600 a month on food for two adults and a toddler.

Meal planning. Seriously. And set a budget limit, since it sounds like you're not made of money.

I agree with this, but you also need more detail -- what is she spending so much money on? Ask for receipts.

You should also bring home your own receipts if you try the grocery shopping. And if she is a SAHM with one toddler and can't find time to cook, unless your toddler has special needs that change the equation she seriously needs to learn to manage her time better and help your toddler engage in enough independent play to cook.

Or maybe she is really not cut out to SAH. (I say this as someone who is not cut out to SAH, but who can at least shop reasonably).

[Anonymous]

I'll admit to being a (working) mom who spends around $1200 a month on groceries for 2 adults and 2 four year olds (twins) - not including eating out/ordering in. I have actually experimented going to Giant or Safeway first to buy everything that I found "acceptable" there (ie. not getting produce that's about to spoil, not having some of the 'better' (I know I may just be a sucker for the marketing) children's products, etc., and then going to Whole Foods for the rest. I did find I could save about $30-50 a week doing that (the 'club card' savings cut down on many basics) -- but it requires 2 trips to the grocery a week & remembering what to buy in each place. (Also from my 'research project' - comparable food items are comparably priced at TJ's vs. Giant/Safeway - but most of the items I end up buying there are prepared foods - which actually aren't too much higher than buying the base ingredients but they often have unhealthy levels of salt.) I know I spend excessively on groceries, end up having lots of things spoil and would like to cut costs down. I have no excuse - but just trying to get by with feeling overscheduled & tired & the thought of managing a week's worth of menus in advance & dealing with the whims of the kids, myself and DH around foods vs. having the range of things in the house, on hand, and relatively easy to prepare each day just seems overwhelming on top of everything else. As I type I know that sounds pathetic, but it's the truth. I also theoretically know the best advice is to plan out meals & stick to those & also to buy fewer prepared items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you ever cook? My husband does not cook or pack lunches and so when he goes to the store he thinks he has saved us a whole pile o' money, when really, he just didn't buy about 2/3 of what I needed, so I end up having to go back later in the week. It is ridiculously annoying.

Love you! This is my life!!!!

[Anonymous]

Family of 6 here (4 kids under 10 so no huge appetites yet). I just started tracking my grocery spending. We are averaging about $700/month, not including eating out (which we don't do a whole lot of). I meal plan, I pack all lunches and every so often quit shopping for a few days and use what we have on hand (this may be the best tip!). I like to cook, so in fairness that helps things. I don't do crazy coupons and don't go to every store every week for the best deals BUT I do browse all ads, visit Wegmans 1X/wk and a few smaller trips to Giant, SFWY, HT here and there to snap up their deals. I also go to TJ's every 3 weeks or so to pick up certain items. We do not have meat at every meal - I have loads of nice pyrex containers on hand and the freezer is my friend. My dh is not a big $ earner, so I see it as doing my part in making one income work for our family. You need to become familiar with prices everywhere. No store is the cheapest really, you just need to "play them" really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I just discussed this and he supports me. I only shop at whole foods b/c I don't have to sort through all the crap that isn't really food to find actual food (box reading just isn't going to happen with a toddler in tow) and the quality is infinitely better for produce, meat, bread and basically everything else for not that much more money. Every time I walk into a "regular" grocery store, I wonder why the hell we can't just produce food in this country that isn't full of a bunch of chemicals and crap that make us fat and mess with developing brains.

You can't control all the cr@p that we're exposed to but for the things we can control, like the quality of food we're purchasing, why not try to minimize exposure that way?

I totally get where your wife is coming from.

You realize that Whole Foods has plenty of "crap that is not actual food", right?

Also, it's not that tough to look at the label of a thing while you have a toddler in tow, unless your toddler has 4 arms and the power of levitation.

Yes, it is that hard to look at labels for every single item being purchased with my toddler in tow. Guess you got an easy one or you're just a better mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I just discussed this and he supports me. I only shop at whole foods b/c I don't have to sort through all the crap that isn't really food to find actual food (box reading just isn't going to happen with a toddler in tow) and the quality is infinitely better for produce, meat, bread and basically everything else for not that much more money. Every time I walk into a "regular" grocery store, I wonder why the hell we can't just produce food in this country that isn't full of a bunch of chemicals and crap that make us fat and mess with developing brains.

You can't control all the cr@p that we're exposed to but for the things we can control, like the quality of food we're purchasing, why not try to minimize exposure that way?

I totally get where your wife is coming from.

You are the Whole Food advertisting department's dream shopper. AKA "sucker."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I used to be just like your wife. Shopped at WF, ate out constantly, couldn't care less what produce was in season ("raspberries in December? Yes please!"). And was like this in every area of my life. Would valet my car instead of looking for parking, (or just paid the ticket), couldn't have guessed where the cheapest gas was (and didn't care).

And this was my own money I was spending. DD came along and that lifestyle came to a screeching halt.

I'm a high earner, and I look back on that period of time in my life and remember a certain kind of "freedom" I felt, not every worrying about money because I wasn't supporting anyone else. Which was nice, but it was also pretty lonely. My parents asked recently how I did such a financial 180 when I had her, and I simply said that before, I had no skin in the game. Now I wasn't saving a dime, but that wasn't real to me either. Not feeling accountable to anyone makes the economic savings of shopping at Safeway worth less than the status value of shopping at WF. Now that I support both of us, I take pride in the savings I accumulate by living beneath my means and knowing that she and I will have good health and dental care, education, can travel to see the grandparents, etc. I live leaner but lead a much more meaningful life.

I'm guessing that there's not much team spirit between you and your wife regarding the life you're building together. Don't mean that as a criticism. It happens. Life is busy and with little kids it's tough. But it sounds like she doesn't feel accountable re: the $$ she spends at WF, and may even feel entitled to do so, bc your roles are so separate. I agree with PP's that you should have some involvement with cooking/shopping, but even if you guys went the more traditional route and you worked/she shops/cooks, it's possible to see it all as a shared goal. Your job + her home skills = both your family. You're in it together. These fights are usually about deeper emotional issues anyway. Perhaps approach it that way.

FYI, for everyone saying milk/cheese/rice costs the same at WF and Giant, you're right. They're called "loss leaders". They're products priced below the minimum profit margin (but not below cost) in an effort to get you in the store where you're likely to buy more expensive things. They're typically perishable (so you can't stockpile), placed in the back of the store (so you have to walk by many other things), are products customers buy frequently (so they perceive the unusually low price as a bargain). In other words: you come for the milk, you stay for the Goji berries. For the folks religiously sticking to a meal plan and shopping in season, yes you can beat the game. But most people cannot. Good luck OP.

+1 This is a post worth reading. Well done.