Experience dating military officers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:02, 11:25 & 3:37 - NP here. I *really* appreciate your honest input. I married into a military family. It is extremely difficult, knowing nothing about the military, as they are not forthcoming (as you know). Your posts have helped me more in 20 years than anything. I am so very extremely appreciative of your posts, seriously. It is just what I needed.

OP, you are smart to seek wisdom now. You have gotten some amazing advice here and I hope people continue to reach out to you. I have not had that benefit, and it makes for extremely tough terrain. Feeling closed off is no fun and is no life.

Did you mean 13:37? If so, that was me.

I'd be willing to email with you. Nobody should be closed off and it's hard in these types situations to feel alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say he can be a "jerk", what do you mean, exactly? That's can't be excused away, period.

Not in a disrespectful-towards-women way or anything. Just sort of argumentative, brash, condescending in an argument, hits below the belt in an argument occasionally, etc. And very arrogant, though I think that is a way of covering up his insecurities. I just have never met a guy with this combination of traits (mentioned just now) + the cockiness and impatience with feelings and stuff that he seems to show.

Total dealbreaker there, why would you still hang around with that other than the hot in bed stuff?

[Anonymous]

I'm married to a military officer; like a PP, he doesn't fit these stereotypes (except the good sex). And like the PP, I wouldn't have married him if he did.

I wouldn't want to spend most of my life with someone who is going to live a compartmentalized life. I wanted a partner, not a "leader," and I wanted someone who would see our family as the center of his life, not some other calling. I am not someone who could handle being told anything about his job was none of my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read the whole 4 pages. I'm not married to a Military Officer but my husband's career has a very similar chain of command. He also wears a uniform. Here is what I have learned about my husband that *may* help you with your man.

1) Non PC jokes: Your boyfriend is MALE. Many men joke and their choice of jokes aren't always PC. That's nothing your going to change. These jokes and the humor probably comes from hanging around mostly male units during deployment/working with mostly men.

My husband has a derogatory sense of humor with his friends. He doesn't bring it home much, if not at all, anymore since I put my foot down on that. I wasn't harsh, I just explained that being a woman, I don't think the stuff that men laugh about is funny. Just as he thinks the stuff me and women talk about is pointless and boring.

2) Cocky: My husband wears a uniform. He's seen, be involved in, taken care of, risked his life-- and the list goes on. Sometimes I think pride is considered cocky. However, I am sure he couldn't be 2 inches tall and do his job. Think about the experience he's had with the military and the amount of education, hard work and promotion it has taken to get him there. How old is he? My husband is in his 30s and I have been told that this age people in his career are still "crazy" about their jobs. Might be something to think about...

[/b]3) Lack of Empathy/Emotions: You need to think about the training that he's had for him to preform the job that he does day in and day out. My husband has been trained to think and react in certain ways. He is a 100% no drama person, hardly cracks a smile or sheds a tear. However, he couldn't be an emotional mess and do his job. If he's deployed and seen people blown up, his friends shot and killed then he has seen real, scary things happen. You can't function in that type of environment with emotion. [b]

Instead of focusing on his lack of emotion, try and understand WHY he is that way. You won't be able to understand the impact these situations have had on him unless you walk in those boots yourself. As a wife of a man in a similar setting as your boyfriend, I have learned to do the following:

I spell out exactly how I am feeling and what I need from DH. This way, he has been told what to do and can let down that wall that he has up 99% of the time.

I don't talk work. I understand that as much as his job effects our family life and marriage that it won't change unless he changes careers. And, this is what he wants to do. Living with someone who is prideful, confident and strong isn't a bad thing. I just don't bring up things I don't understand. That lets him get away from work too.

I have a support system of women married to men in the same career. This is huge! If you see this relationship working out for the long haul, I suggest you surround yourself with women who understand the difficulties.

Re lack of empathy and emotions. Interesting comment. There are a lot of doctors n my family. Not in the military, but I think medical training can have the same effect.

[Anonymous]

Not in a disrespectful-towards-women way or anything. Just sort of argumentative, brash, condescending in an argument, hits below the belt in an argument occasionally, etc. And very arrogant, though I think that is a way of covering up his insecurities. I just have never met a guy with this combination of traits (mentioned just now) + the cockiness and impatience with feelings and stuff that he seems to show.

I've dated a lot of military guys and am related to a good number as well. I used to idolize military men (having such good family role models ) but after my brothers joined, they were quick to disabuse me of the notion that all military guys were good guys. They aren't. After dating a few, I realized how right they were. You can't lump them all into the same category. They're individuals and their characteristics are their own, not the military's.

From what you've posted, I see all kinds of red flags that have nothing to do with having served in the military. Frankly, he sounds a lot like a guy I was seriously involved with who turned out to have narcissistic personality http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder . He could be extremely charming and mesmerizing but the arrogance and insecurities/anger were just toxic. I'd tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a military spouse, these posts make me laugh.

Me too. Sounds like people have been watching a few too many episodes of Army Wives.

[Anonymous]

No one is watching Army Wives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say he can be a "jerk", what do you mean, exactly? That's can't be excused away, period.

Not in a disrespectful-towards-women way or anything. Just sort of argumentative, brash, condescending in an argument, hits below the belt in an argument occasionally, etc. And very arrogant, though I think that is a way of covering up his insecurities. I just have never met a guy with this combination of traits (mentioned just now) + the cockiness and impatience with feelings and stuff that he seems to show.

What you describe here would be a deal-breaker for me. I am in a marriage for the long haul. That will include the good and the bad. You don't want a guy that starts off like this. Wow. Arrogant? Hits below the belt? condescending? Geez, and you are only just started dating? No go. I would end up divorced so fast from a guy like this. Red flags all around. Marriage requires compromise, humbling yourself and deep trust. Nothing you have said foster this type of relationship. Think a lot a about moving forward with him.

I have now been married 10 years and a TON of my friends who got married around my time are getting divorces now and telling me all sorts of how they say the "signs" their SO were jerks all along, but chose to ignore them. How their guys were mean or insensitive all along, but they were ga-ga for them (jobs, prestige, money, just not wanting to be single any longer), and got married. Recipe for divorce.

Heed your sixth sense. Listen to the little voice in your head/gut. Run if if tells you to run.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just started dating an army officer-turned-law-student and not sure what to make of things. He's definitely very different from all my civilian boyfriends, so I wanted to get some anonymous opinions. He's an officer so he's not your typical dumb meathead blue collar guy out of high school or something - went to an excellent university for undergrad, comes from money, very smart and funny and intelligent. But he's impossible to read. Sometimes he's sweet and gallant, other times he's a jerk. He doesn't really seem to have any feelings, or maybe he's just ridiculously thick-skinned and is programmed not to have feelings. He's also the cockiest guy I've ever dated and it's such a headache. I'd stop dating him if I didn't see that he's genuinely a good-hearted guy underneath it all (and the fact that he's good in bed is a plus).

Are all army officers cocky? What should I know about military culture in order to understand him better? Just trying to put his behavior and personality in context.

The cocky jerkiness is the lawyer in him coming out! Has little to do with being former Army.

[Anonymous]

I had a brief affair with a two star. Best part: such a leader, made me feel cherished. Worst part: would never, ever leave his wife - that public persona thing some posters have mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these great replies.

Yes, he has served. He definitely has a track record of being faithful (I know some of his friends) and he was raised strictly and I can definitely see him being strict with kids.

Love his patriotism and his brains and his masculinity. A little turned off by his inability to be sensitive, his sometimes boorish and un-PC jokes, and the fact that his cockiness seems like a mask for some kind of deep insecurity. I am not saying he's not confident about some aspects of himself - he is. But there is a depth of insecurity there too, that I just haven't seen before in previous boyfriends. And it makes no sense because he has everything going for him!

You have to decide whether you be able to tolerate the "unseemly" behavior in the long run. Someone can be a really nice guy, but if certain behaviors of his get on your nerves, those are (likely) never going to go away. He's insensitive? Will you be able to handle that kind of insensitivity in other aspects of your life? Un-PC or boorish? Are you comfortable with explaining or apologizing for his behavior to other people?

I used to date a Navy Seal. He was nice and good-looking, but there was always something about him that bothered me. We broke up and he ended up marrying someone else, but their marriage fell apart -- he couldn't comprehend the difficulties she was facing being married to a Seal, and I know his relationship with their child became strained. I remember talking to him about it, and he seriously could not understand why his wife was unhappy (not that anything could be done about it, but he couldn't even sympathize). He actually got angry with me because I was trying to point out how she might be feeling. They eventually divorced, he retired, remarried, blah blah blah. While he seems happy with his new wife, I think he's really strange now. It's hard to explain, but it's like those behaviors he had (anger, lack of compassion) were amplified as he got older. He scares me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these great replies.

Yes, he has served. He definitely has a track record of being faithful (I know some of his friends) and he was raised strictly and I can definitely see him being strict with kids.

Love his patriotism and his brains and his masculinity. A little turned off by his inability to be sensitive, his sometimes boorish and un-PC jokes, and the fact that his cockiness seems like a mask for some kind of deep insecurity. I am not saying he's not confident about some aspects of himself - he is. But there is a depth of insecurity there too, that I just haven't seen before in previous boyfriends. And it makes no sense because he has everything going for him!

You have to decide whether you be able to tolerate the "unseemly" behavior in the long run. Someone can be a really nice guy, but if certain behaviors of his get on your nerves, those are (likely) never going to go away. He's insensitive? Will you be able to handle that kind of insensitivity in other aspects of your life? Un-PC or boorish? Are you comfortable with explaining or apologizing for his behavior to other people?

I used to date a Navy Seal. He was nice and good-looking, but there was always something about him that bothered me. We broke up and he ended up marrying someone else, but their marriage fell apart -- he couldn't comprehend the difficulties she was facing being married to a Seal, and I know his relationship with their child became strained. I remember talking to him about it, and he seriously could not understand why his wife was unhappy (not that anything could be done about it, but he couldn't even sympathize). He actually got angry with me because I was trying to point out how she might be feeling. They eventually divorced, he retired, remarried, blah blah blah. While he seems happy with his new wife, I think he's really strange now. It's hard to explain, but it's like those behaviors he had (anger, lack of compassion) were amplified as he got older. He scares me.

Oh, and like a PP mentioned, this has nothing to do with the military. With any guy, you have to decide what your tolerance level is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know OP, I am married to an officer too. My guy have some of the same characteristics you mentioned. He is very smart - an engineer, speaks 3 languages, well traveled, decisive, loyal, ethical, honest, hardworking. He will work day and night nonstop without ever complaining. But, he is not emotional. Like every other human in the planet, he has insecurities too, but after 20 years I have never been able to pin point any of his weaknesses. You just can't get to him. Of course I could mess with his head if I wanted to by crossing certain lines but I also know he wouldn't suffer fools lightly. He said he loves me but forget many birthdays and anniversaries but never forget the kids. He is most vulnerable with his children although by not much. He has been deployed many, many times in horrible locations and living conditions, but he will not complain when he communicate with you. I often said to myself if ever captured, he could survive many years without his captors ever breaking him, or he would rather die than to give in or sure weaknesses. I don't know if that is part of his personality or if the military training made him this way or a combination.


Anyway, to answer your question, yes, of course your guy has insecurities, just like any other human being, but you may never pin down his weaknesses. You may see flashes of vulnerabilities but you'll never be certain of his breaking point. And he will not change, what you see is what you'll get and then some. You will always be the one to adjust to him not him to you. There will be some compromises, but not by much. Most military officers wives understand this. It is fruitless to try to psychoanalyzed him, it won't get you anywhere. With them, you either get on board or get out. you won't be able to streamline the many facets to his character. These guys are very adept at compartmentalizing who they are. You can't have DCUMers decide for you. With all that being said, their masculinity and decisiveness is a powerful aphrodisiac. I have met men with more wealth than my husband, but there's no doubt if we were stranded in hostile territory he would figure out a way to make sure we come out on the other side. There is something very nice about having sex with someone like that. After 20 years he is still captivating to me, and so, I have chosen to overlook his bad parts.

OP here. Wow, this is basically what my boyfriend is like when it comes to be impossible to read/psychoanalyze. Just wow. And, er, the sex is amazing for me too haha.

OP, this is the best commentary on this subject I have ever read. Read this and read it and read it again. This woman is you in 20 years. It's up to you, not us, to decide what you want in a relationship but don't say it wasn't spelled out for you, because here it is.

[Anonymous]

I work in an emergency department. Many ER docs (both make and female) have these same characteristics. Smart, decisive, straightforward, not emotional. It is necessary for the job.

[Anonymous]

I'm currently dating a navy officer who graduated from the academy and I find him hard to read as well. Not sure if we have what it takes for the long haul.