MIL complains about us to her friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are freaking nuts. Some frosting from grandma? No big deal, mine used to give us nutella on white bread. You're just way to uptight.

I agree

+100. OP and supporters have the maturity and self-confidence of 11 year olds.

And on the breast-feeding question: My mother breast fed us when it was very unpopular. Her neighbor told it was a bad idea b/c all that sucking would make the kid gay.

[Anonymous]

I'd remove her post if it's on your FB page, unfriend her and make sure your privacy settings are strict. I'd ignore the post to your MIL. It's not worth a big fight over it. I'd save the big fights for more important things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Take a screen shot of the comment.

2) Delete it.

3) Check your privacy settings so everything is friends only. Unfriend MIL's friend if she is friends with you, but not before...

3) Send a private message to MIL's friend to the effect of "Really? You think second-hand snarking on my Facebook page is mature or appropriate or going to make me feel more warmly towards my MIL? MIL may complain about DH's and my parenting decisions, which are ours to make, but airing them in this way does no good to anyone. I hope you think twice about pulling such an immature stunt again."

4) Talk to DH first, but I'd be in favor of sending the screenshot to MIL with a short note, simply asking that she respect your parenting choices. That note could come directly from DH (probably best) or from you with him cc'ed. Add that you recognize she can't control her friend's behavior, but if MIL is complaining about you to such a degree that her friend thinks that reaction is appropriate, you have a problem. Tell her you'd be happy to have a more open relationship with her (if this is true), but this isn't the way to go about having one.

Overkill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd remove her post if it's on your FB page, unfriend her and make sure your privacy settings are strict. I'd ignore the post to your MIL. It's not worth a big fight over it. I'd save the big fights for more important things.

agree. And I'd not have allowed the icing either, but I'd delete the post and ignore it/move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's true OP that you and your DC are what your MIL talks to her friends about, there's no way around it.

My MOM apparently had told her friends about my fertility issues. When I finally, after a long time trying and a lot of painful years, brought my bouncing healthy baby boy down to see her, I was so excited. We went to meet her Tuesday morning coffee group and I get hit with "I'm so glad you finally had this baby. Your mother has been waiting so long after all of those miscarriages you had."

You could've knocked me over. This past holiday when I was with my mom, and we got into a fight about her not being supportive, I finally brought it up. But that hurt me so much to have my losses mentioned to me in such a casual way by a total stranger.

I now, of course, don't tell my mom very much at all. And we told her that FB gave her computer a virus so she deleted her account.

That was an insensitive comment by your mother's friend, but if this is an isolated incident of boundary crossing, I wouldn't be too hard on your mom. One thing I've come to appreciate since having my children is how much my mother worries about me, even as an adult. So much of her seeming criticism of me or my choices or butting into my business is really just her stressing about me being happy. I would expect that watching her daughter go through so much pain must have broken her heart. It wasn't appropriate to breach your privacy, but I can see her need to unburden her sadness on her friends.

[Anonymous]

Well my MIL talks about me and my parenting behind my back and people tell me about it!! It's horrible.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing, OP: you don't know what you MIL said to her friend. Maybe she was discussing how much she loves having a grandchild and said, "But you know, times have changed. I gave DC some icing and DIL told me it was too much at once. Parents just pay more attention to nutrition than when we were young."

Or maybe she called you a little crazed as a new parent but said it in a loving, understanding way. You don't know that she complained.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you ever talked smack about your MIL to your friends, or strangers *hint hint* by email or any written medium? If so, please shut up and get off your high horse.

I see a MIL who you admit you have a good relationship with and generally behaves. She did something you disliked. You corrected her. Did she argue with you? No. You are talking crap about her to us and you've admitted that you generally like her and you have a good relationship! Why not do her the courtesy of giving her the same benefit of the doubt.

You don't even KNOW what SHE said. She hasn't even posted anything on facebook. Ugh, so self absorbed. And the crazy advice you are getting - take screenshots and send emails - are you guys all effing insane? Brainless drama llamas.

No wonder most of the people on this board have unhappy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, OP: you don't know what you MIL said to her friend. Maybe she was discussing how much she loves having a grandchild and said, "But you know, times have changed. I gave DC some icing and DIL told me it was too much at once. Parents just pay more attention to nutrition than when we were young."

Or maybe she called you a little crazed as a new parent but said it in a loving, understanding way. You don't know that she complained.

+1

Maybe I'm outnumbered, but I think OP's situation is a good situation to turn into a light joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I don't know how old your DC is but a little frosting won't hurt anyone. Micromanaging your MIL will hurt lots of relationships. You need to let MIL break rules sometimes as long as everyone stays safe.

I don't know, I don't think it's cool to load up someone else's kid on sugar when you're not the one that has to deal with the fallout afterwards.

I thought that was basically the grandparents' job description!

Besides, there is no "fallout" from sugar: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/busting-sugar-hyperactivity-myth Do an extra-thorough tooth-brushing that night and consider it a special treat.

OP, is there a chance your MIL and her pal see this as good-natured or well-meaning teasing of an overprotective first-time mom? I have to agree with the first PP quoted here. To maintain your good relationship with your MIL, best to assume she wasn't complaining about you, but talking fondly of your very lovable overprotective tendencies when it comes to her grandchild's nutrition.

Not in the short run, but in the long run, yes:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17Sugar-t.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Americans always worry about fat, but sugar is what's really bad for you, if eaten in excess. And eating it is a habit that formed early in life. So yeah, a load of sugar from grandma is not what I'd want my kid to have either, and I wouldn't hesitate to take the plate away. Can't grandmas find more creative ways to endear themselves to their grandkids? The comment from the friend and your MIL just shows both are clueless, so just let it go and don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Be careful about overreacting here. I don't know anyone who doesn't vent about their loved ones from time to time. I love my MIL to death, but sometimes she does things that irk me and I gripe to my close friends about it (same thing when my own mom annoys me, or my husband, etc). I assume all of these people do the same thing when I annoy them. It's life. Luckily, my friends aren't a-holes who then go tell my MIL or whoever what I said, so that helps. Seems like it was the friend who was out of line more than anything else - who does that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd remove her post if it's on your FB page, unfriend her and make sure your privacy settings are strict. I'd ignore the post to your MIL. It's not worth a big fight over it. I'd save the big fights for more important things.

I'd leave it there so everyone can see how rude she is (including, hopefully, your MIL). No need for you to clean up after this lady's rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever talked smack about your MIL to your friends, or strangers *hint hint* by email or any written medium? If so, please shut up and get off your high horse.

I see a MIL who you admit you have a good relationship with and generally behaves. She did something you disliked. You corrected her. Did she argue with you? No. You are talking crap about her to us and you've admitted that you generally like her and you have a good relationship! Why not do her the courtesy of giving her the same benefit of the doubt.

You don't even KNOW what SHE said. She hasn't even posted anything on facebook. Ugh, so self absorbed. And the crazy advice you are getting - take screenshots and send emails - are you guys all effing insane? Brainless drama llamas.

No wonder most of the people on this board have unhappy marriages.

High horse, please. We aren't going to send Facebook messages about it to her MIL.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe only one person noted that, of course, the friend of your MIL accidentally posted on your FB rather than MIL's FB. Your MIL would most likely be horrified to know it happened. I would write back to her friend and say,"I am sure this was posted accidentally to my page. Just thought you would want to know that I saw it."

[Anonymous]

Here's an idea, next time around. Chill out. Eating frosting won't kill your child.