MIL complains about us to her friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Vent vent vent.

Long story short, we were having dinner with MIL and we ordered dessert. I left the table to go to the restroom and came back to find that my MIL scraped off all the icing off her piece of cake and gave it to my DC to eat. Just icing. I said, that's a lot of sugar and took most of it away from DC. I thought that was the end of it until a few days later a lady (that I don't even know) writes on my FB wall saying, "Next time your DC visits me, she can have ALL the icing that she wants." Turns out she is my MIL's friend and obviously my MIL told her what happened.

I'm so annoyed I just want to shut down my FB account all together.

Be honest now, what was your tone when you said and did this?

Yes, you definitely should have written off that frosting - so not worth doing the little power struggles with this woman. She waited until you were in the bathroom very purposefully, and you rose to the bait. She's a crafty one.

I feel for you, because I think she's playing games and doing it on purpose, but you have years ahead of you, so I definitely agree with the IGNORE advice. Ignore as much as you can, grin at her when you want to say something, carry a flask on dinners out. Ignore extra doses of icing, ignore bitchy comments from friends who think they're just adorable. I know it's a slippery slope and all, but choose your battles and don't let her get to you.

It might drive her and her biddy buddies nuts to not see your wall and pictures on fb, though, so that's probably a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Vent vent vent.

Long story short, we were having dinner with MIL and we ordered dessert. I left the table to go to the restroom and came back to find that my MIL scraped off all the icing off her piece of cake and gave it to my DC to eat. Just icing. I said, that's a lot of sugar and took most of it away from DC. I thought that was the end of it until a few days later a lady (that I don't even know) writes on my FB wall saying, "Next time your DC visits me, she can have ALL the icing that she wants." Turns out she is my MIL's friend and obviously my MIL told her what happened.

I'm so annoyed I just want to shut down my FB account all together.

That's a good idea.

But, to be fair, you're being a bit sanctimonious. Here you are, complaining about your MIL online.

Exactly my thought too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ha, yes I do see the irony of the situation. But I would like to add that my MIL is a very nice person overall and we get along well. I'm mostly annoyed that her friend would stick her nose into it. DH chaulked it up to "old people are mean and don't know how to use FB".

and just how old is your MIL? Matter of fact how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change your privacy settings and make sure only people you are friends with can write on your FB wall.

It is not uncommon for ILs to talk about grandkids to their friends. Frankly, they have no other topics to talk about))

I second this one! LOL!

[Anonymous]

I would probably just write "Hahahahaha" as a reply and let her wonder if I was cooler than MIL made me out to be, or I was laughing at the fact that she would never visit.

Along a similar vein that also delivers a slap to MIL would be, "certainly, when he visits you," which both implies that there are special anti-MIL rules, and that such a visit would never happen.

Or I'd ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: She waited until you were in the bathroom very purposefully, and you rose to the bait. She's a crafty one.

I feel for you, because I think she's playing games and doing it on purpose, but you have years ahead of you, so I definitely agree with the IGNORE advice. I

Quoted and nodding in agreement; however, I'll ad a few points.

I have a very similar make/model of a MIL. She was nearly obsessed with giving my kids candy and oddly, gum, when they were just toddlers. Really, gum to a 15 month old. I digress. Fast forward a decade, and she STILL tries to edge her way in and I keep her at arm's length. At heart, my MIL is very self-involved and truly can't think about how her actions may affect others. She is always correct and is a snob about it. In order to deal (and she's local), I don't really share details of our family life (so she can't gossip), I never ask her for advice and I dread interacting with her. I'm also NOT on FB, but she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let it go....talk to dh, and make him bring it up.

I have interfering inlaws to, who will order my 3 yr old a framing can of coke at restaurants even when I say no. Luckily dd doesn't defy me and won't sip it, even tho grandma is egging her on. Just had my second baby 2 weeks ago and grandma is vehemently against me nursing and only believes in formula. She enrages me. Calls my mom and me non stop to make sure dc is getting formula and not breast milk!!!, I lie and say yes and go about my business. Dh travels too much to navigate it all, but I make him handle situations that are to his kids benefit, ie no soft drinks, we are nursing, tell ur mom to get over it.

But, apart from them overstepping with my kids they love them and men well, and if I said something the situation would become too sensitive....I want the kids not to feel the tension, so I let it go, but don't give on.

I am fascinated by this. Why does she think breast milk is bad??

I'm curious as well!

The advice was very different when our parents were raising kids. My Mom and I talk about this at length - and are pretty happy that things are different now. When I was a baby - my Mom was told by MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS that formula is better for the baby. My brother was born first, and my Mom had a hard time getting him to latch, so he ended up being formula fed. She never had the support we have now a days. I feel bad for how it was for her - things would have been so much easier for her if she had the support we do now. When I was born, I latched much easier so I was BF. As a SAHM, she was glad to be BF rather than bottle feeding. I think a lot of grandparents are not up to date on the current thinking on child rearing. My one MIL (I have two) said they fed the babies all solids - no order to things. She finds it interesting that the advice has changed - but is supportive of how we do it now.

[Anonymous]

One of my favorite quotes applies here
“In every good marriage it pays sometimes to be a little bit deaf.” Ruth Bader Ginsburg (1933—), U.S. Supreme Court Justice, on her 56-year marriage to Martin Ginsburg. New Yorker, March 11, 2013

I think this applies not only to dealing with DH but also dealing with other family memebers. I would ignore the FB comment. I too would have taken away the frosting but I wouldn't have made a big deal out of it. And if MIL tried to engage me about it, I would say a taste is enough and change the subject. Some people feed off this kind of thing - don't engage them.

[Anonymous]

On response to 9:38... I'm the poster whose mil is very opposed to nursing.

I nursed my first til about 18 months, despite mils constant interference. They live close by, so it's easy for them to comment.

MIL thinks bm is not as fattening abreast milk, feels like its not as satifying. She saw a bottle of my pumped milk and was horrified at he watery it was compared to formula. English isn't her first language so I feel like I can't even have an intelligent conversation with her about why I am nursing and not supplementing. In the thick of a newborn,

[Anonymous]

I don't want to hear her annoying comments anyway. They are so unfounded and ridiculous. I believe many of her nieces and friends dds formula fed too so he sees that as the norm.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore, ignore, ignore.

I know it is difficult. My MIL swipes at me every chance she has. She has completely alienated me, and is too dense to figure it out. Really, if she kept her mouth shut about personal things, she would be much better off. Again, she is too dense to realize it.

DH attends most things, but I don't even bother. It often seems MIL is just looking for trouble. How on earth is gossiping about someone going to bring you *closer* to them? WTH?

Plenty of MILs *say* they are supportive. No one believes it unless they actually *see* it! In action!

Do your best to ignore it. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think I am following. Why would your DC ever be visiting some random friend of your MIL's that you have never met? That part would bother me more than the icing swipe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's true OP that you and your DC are what your MIL talks to her friends about, there's no way around it.

My MOM apparently had told her friends about my fertility issues. When I finally, after a long time trying and a lot of painful years, brought my bouncing healthy baby boy down to see her, I was so excited. We went to meet her Tuesday morning coffee group and I get hit with "I'm so glad you finally had this baby. Your mother has been waiting so long after all of those miscarriages you had."

You could've knocked me over. This past holiday when I was with my mom, and we got into a fight about her not being supportive, I finally brought it up. But that hurt me so much to have my losses mentioned to me in such a casual way by a total stranger.

I now, of course, don't tell my mom very much at all. And we told her that FB gave her computer a virus so she deleted her account.

This happened to me too a complete stranger knew more about my reproductive history than I would have EVER shared with them. I was horrified and felt my trust was betrayed! My sister was the offender though. Now, I feel I've learned my lesson and I don't share anything unless I'm okay with it getting out. I probably need to bring it up with her at some point though.

OP, I think you've received good advice from others here I just had to commiserate with this PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are freaking nuts. Some frosting from grandma? No big deal, mine used to give us nutella on white bread. You're just way to uptight.

I agree

[Anonymous]

Meh...you and MIL have slightly different parenting techniques, but similar ways to vent. You differed in what your DC could snack on. MIL went to her friends to vent. You came to DCUM to vent. Unfortunately, MIL's friend was etiquette-challenged and should have known not to say anything, but didn't so said something rude to you. Just mark it up to the busy-body was rude. Ignore it, delete the FB comment if it really bothers you (I'd just leave it there, since most of my friends would think it was more a commentary on her than me) and move on. So unimportant in the grand scheme of things, especially since you said you and MIL get along pretty well in general.