MIL complains about us to her friends

[Anonymous]

Vent vent vent.

Long story short, we were having dinner with MIL and we ordered dessert. I left the table to go to the restroom and came back to find that my MIL scraped off all the icing off her piece of cake and gave it to my DC to eat. Just icing. I said, that's a lot of sugar and took most of it away from DC. I thought that was the end of it until a few days later a lady (that I don't even know) writes on my FB wall saying, "Next time your DC visits me, she can have ALL the icing that she wants." Turns out she is my MIL's friend and obviously my MIL told her what happened.

I'm so annoyed I just want to shut down my FB account all together.

[Anonymous]

Change your privacy settings and make sure only people you are friends with can write on your FB wall.

It is not uncommon for ILs to talk about grandkids to their friends. Frankly, they have no other topics to talk about))

[Anonymous]

For me, it's not that my MIL talks about me to her friends -I know she does but I talk about her to my friends too - it's that her friends aren't smart enough to keep it to themselves.

I would be pissed if one of my friends posted on MIL's wall about her giving DC all kids of junk from the 2nd hand shops she frequents.

You might want to defriend or block this person (you don't know) from posting on your wall. My first reaction would probably be to write a snarky response like, "You wouldn't have to worry about that because DC won't be visiting you." But that would be immature of me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would have done the same thing (not let her have all that icing). Geez, how much icing does a kid need? Not to mention cavities.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, just the sort of little snipe that would enrage me!

The best thing is to ignore MIL's friend and not do anything. Why?
Because if you want to appear as reasonable and mature as possible, you have to model good behavior.

Then all of MIL's distorted complaints to her friends will be seen as the crazy rants they really are.

I have the same problem, with my mother! Her friends have figured out by now that SHE. IS. INSANE.

[Anonymous]

Obnoxious.

If this were me I would email the MIL (after I had cooled down) and say that I had" seen the facebook exchange and it really troubled me. I assume from what I read that you expressed some level of disapproval/unhappiness about my not allowing DC to have all of your icing. I recognize that you (or anyone) may not approve of all of my parenting decisions but I would ask that you respect them. I didn't think it was necessary, or a good idea, for DC to eat all of that pure sugar. It was a fairly minor item. And it was an unfortunate, though also pretty minor mistake that your friend made in posting on my wall instead of yours. But it made me question how you talk about me as the parent of your grandchild and frankly that doesn't feel great."

Maybe she'd be shamefaced enough to apologize and think a little more carefully in the future.

Or maybe it will open the door to a larger conversation about how you and she can be on the same side, or what some basic principles are of yours that she could support instead of subvert.

I had an incident similar to this w/ my MIL when I was pregnant. (She overshared to a horrifying extent detals of my medical condition w/ total strangers.) When I confronted her in a way similar to what I outlined above she was so apologetic and has been MUCH more considerate/careful since. Of course, we haven't had as much luck navigating those sorts of things w/ the kids so I wish you luck!!

[Anonymous]

I think I'd just respond to the FB posting with "Good thing she won't ever be visiting you..." and leave it at that. Sends a msg to MIL and nasty old biddy all at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obnoxious.

If this were me I would email the MIL (after I had cooled down) and say that I had" seen the facebook exchange and it really troubled me. I assume from what I read that you expressed some level of disapproval/unhappiness about my not allowing DC to have all of your icing. I recognize that you (or anyone) may not approve of all of my parenting decisions but I would ask that you respect them. I didn't think it was necessary, or a good idea, for DC to eat all of that pure sugar. It was a fairly minor item. And it was an unfortunate, though also pretty minor mistake that your friend made in posting on my wall instead of yours. But it made me question how you talk about me as the parent of your grandchild and frankly that doesn't feel great."

Maybe she'd be shamefaced enough to apologize and think a little more carefully in the future.

Or maybe it will open the door to a larger conversation about how you and she can be on the same side, or what some basic principles are of yours that she could support instead of subvert.

I had an incident similar to this w/ my MIL when I was pregnant. (She overshared to a horrifying extent detals of my medical condition w/ total strangers.) When I confronted her in a way similar to what I outlined above she was so apologetic and has been MUCH more considerate/careful since. Of course, we haven't had as much luck navigating those sorts of things w/ the kids so I wish you luck!!

I think this is a little overkill. Just up your privacy settings on FB so random "friends of friends" cannot see or post on your page. Your MIL is going to complain so you can't do anything about it.

I would take it more seriously if MIL shows lack of judgment towards safety/allergies, or if she watches your DC regularly and alone.

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed, too, but I also have a PITA MIL who loves nothing more than to stir up shit and cut down others. I'd advise either ignoring the the snarky post or saying something like, "Good to know. Thanks!" They are both looking for a negative reaction, so try not to give them the satisfaction. And then change your FB settings so it doesn't happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vent vent vent.

Long story short, we were having dinner with MIL and we ordered dessert. I left the table to go to the restroom and came back to find that my MIL scraped off all the icing off her piece of cake and gave it to my DC to eat. Just icing. I said, that's a lot of sugar and took most of it away from DC. I thought that was the end of it until a few days later a lady (that I don't even know) writes on my FB wall saying, "Next time your DC visits me, she can have ALL the icing that she wants." Turns out she is my MIL's friend and obviously my MIL told her what happened.

I'm so annoyed I just want to shut down my FB account all together.

That's a good idea.

But, to be fair, you're being a bit sanctimonious. Here you are, complaining about your MIL online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vent vent vent.

Long story short, we were having dinner with MIL and we ordered dessert. I left the table to go to the restroom and came back to find that my MIL scraped off all the icing off her piece of cake and gave it to my DC to eat. Just icing. I said, that's a lot of sugar and took most of it away from DC. I thought that was the end of it until a few days later a lady (that I don't even know) writes on my FB wall saying, "Next time your DC visits me, she can have ALL the icing that she wants." Turns out she is my MIL's friend and obviously my MIL told her what happened.

I'm so annoyed I just want to shut down my FB account all together.

Be honest now, what was your tone when you said and did this?

[Anonymous]

1) Take a screen shot of the comment.

2) Delete it.

3) Check your privacy settings so everything is friends only. Unfriend MIL's friend if she is friends with you, but not before...

3) Send a private message to MIL's friend to the effect of "Really? You think second-hand snarking on my Facebook page is mature or appropriate or going to make me feel more warmly towards my MIL? MIL may complain about DH's and my parenting decisions, which are ours to make, but airing them in this way does no good to anyone. I hope you think twice about pulling such an immature stunt again."

4) Talk to DH first, but I'd be in favor of sending the screenshot to MIL with a short note, simply asking that she respect your parenting choices. That note could come directly from DH (probably best) or from you with him cc'ed. Add that you recognize she can't control her friend's behavior, but if MIL is complaining about you to such a degree that her friend thinks that reaction is appropriate, you have a problem. Tell her you'd be happy to have a more open relationship with her (if this is true), but this isn't the way to go about having one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd just respond to the FB posting with "Good thing she won't ever be visiting you..." and leave it at that. Sends a msg to MIL and nasty old biddy all at once.

I would do this, and then I would change my privacy settings so that strangers cannot see or write on my wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Take a screen shot of the comment.

2) Delete it.

3) Check your privacy settings so everything is friends only. Unfriend MIL's friend if she is friends with you, but not before...

3) Send a private message to MIL's friend to the effect of "Really? You think second-hand snarking on my Facebook page is mature or appropriate or going to make me feel more warmly towards my MIL? MIL may complain about DH's and my parenting decisions, which are ours to make, but airing them in this way does no good to anyone. I hope you think twice about pulling such an immature stunt again."

4) Talk to DH first, but I'd be in favor of sending the screenshot to MIL with a short note, simply asking that she respect your parenting choices. That note could come directly from DH (probably best) or from you with him cc'ed. Add that you recognize she can't control her friend's behavior, but if MIL is complaining about you to such a degree that her friend thinks that reaction is appropriate, you have a problem. Tell her you'd be happy to have a more open relationship with her (if this is true), but this isn't the way to go about having one.

Fuel to the fire.

Nothing is more satisfying -- and infuriating to the offending party -- than cool indifference.
Ignore ignore ignore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Take a screen shot of the comment.

2) Delete it.

3) Check your privacy settings so everything is friends only. Unfriend MIL's friend if she is friends with you, but not before...

3) Send a private message to MIL's friend to the effect of "Really? You think second-hand snarking on my Facebook page is mature or appropriate or going to make me feel more warmly towards my MIL? MIL may complain about DH's and my parenting decisions, which are ours to make, but airing them in this way does no good to anyone. I hope you think twice about pulling such an immature stunt again."

4) Talk to DH first, but I'd be in favor of sending the screenshot to MIL with a short note, simply asking that she respect your parenting choices. That note could come directly from DH (probably best) or from you with him cc'ed. Add that you recognize she can't control her friend's behavior, but if MIL is complaining about you to such a degree that her friend thinks that reaction is appropriate, you have a problem. Tell her you'd be happy to have a more open relationship with her (if this is true), but this isn't the way to go about having one.

Fuel to the fire.

Nothing is more satisfying -- and infuriating to the offending party -- than cool indifference.
Ignore ignore ignore

I wrote that assuming that MIL is generally a decent person and possibly unaware of what her friend did. If MIL is generally a crazy person and likely plotted that out with her friend, then by all means skip steps 3 and 4.