sleepovers when your dd's friends have older brothers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are telling me that when my kids are older DD shouldn't be allowed to have sleepovers bc she has an older (and younger) brother?

No, she is saying that you shouldn't arrange sleepovers for your older son and your daughter on the same nights.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't think I would let my child do sleepovers at a child's house if I did not know the parents well enough to ask directly and yes, I'd be kind of annoyed about that though it's certainly possible the parents had no idea you'd mind. At least not until my child was a bit older. I didn't start doing sleepovers with friends from school (as opposed to family friends) until middle school. I certainly slept over many kids' houses with older brothers, even had crushes on some of them, but the parents were pretty careful with supervision and no boundaries were crossed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being a little silly. My girls have friends sleep over almost every weekend. And they have two older teen brothers. It seems like we always have a house full of kids. I couldn't have provided you a list of who was sleeping over because I usually didn't even know. Teenage boys don't have "sleepovers"....they just "crash" at whatever house has the best food.

That sounds like lax supervision to me, and I wouldn't be comfortable with sending my preteen daughter to your house for a sleepover, in all honesty, with the chance of some undetermined number of 13-15 year old neighbors/friends crashing there, that you don't even know about.

+1

Parents who act like they are not in charge of how many kids choose to spend the night in their home or whether their own kids will be home on any given night are not the type whom I trust to supervise my own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend who is in the FBI told me, unsolicited, that if he had daughters he would be paranoid about sleepovers because, especially in this economy, random uncles and male "cousins" often end up crashing at people's houses. We're not really in the sleepover phase yet, but I hope I will be able to work up the nerve to ask whether other adults will be visiting. Awkward!

The FBI thinks everyone is a terrorist or a pedopile. If you, or anyone else, asked this question, I would rescind the invitation. Your paranoia is not an explanation or justification for accusing my husband or sons of something so despicable. No one in your family would ever be invited to my home again.

Wow. ok. We're not saying your DS or DH would do this. The original OP queried about older brother's friends --also there is the random male relative...But pp, you sound like you could not ever even imagine your DS being inappropriate with a girl in your home. I love my DS and think he's a good kid--but teen and tween boys and girls in a house overnight can really do things they might never do otherwise. You sound very much in denial about the realities of adolescent hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being a little silly. My girls have friends sleep over almost every weekend. And they have two older teen brothers. It seems like we always have a house full of kids. I couldn't have provided you a list of who was sleeping over because I usually didn't even know. Teenage boys don't have "sleepovers"....they just "crash" at whatever house has the best food.

A parent who actually doesn't even know who is sleeping over at their own house? PP, you sound desperate to be considered the "cool parent". You could be harboring a kid who is using your lax supervision to engage in high risk behavior. My BIL (a really great, loving dad) spent the last year of his DS life trying to keep him from running away (just disappearing, going AWOL) over to his BF's house. The parent's house was well known as the party house--they were the cool parents who allowed drinking, girls to come over, etc. BIL son drank and smoked dope his entire senior year--he would come home for a few weeks and then disappear to the friend's house for days. He failed to graduate from HS and has yet to go back for his GED. My BIL is a respected, successful research scientist--his wife is a SAHM--they live in an upscale DC suburb. It would make me so angry to hear of this other family where all the boys "crashed". Parents like you make it nearly impossible to enforce any kind of reasonable standard of behavior with teens. Are you just so rich and bored in some huge mansion that you don't care? I mean, come on, how do you not know who is sleeping in your house?

[Anonymous]

I definitely think parents should know WHO is sleeping at their house at all times. Beyond that, I think a lot of you folks are loons and way too paranoid about things. It's one thing to take precautions, it's another to see every male person in the house above a certain age as a potential molester. I'm sorry but that's NOT normal thinking or a natural way to go through the world. And as for the criminal attorneys and FBI people with their thoughts, those two careers DEAL in wackos and evil people, so of course they have a skewed outlook on the world and think there's danger around every corner. Most people aren't evil wackos.

Jaysus, the only reason I'd send my older boys out of the house with a sleepover is because of you loons, who would probably call the police if your daughter told you the older brother smiled at her when she walked down the hall. "yes, I'd like to report an attempted abduction at a sleepover..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As for "Protecting the Gift," this seems to be a generalized concern, not based on specifics regarding the older brother and the unknown friend. How is that helpful? Of course something could happen. Something could happen every time we step out the door. Or pick up a carving knife. I'm not minimizing OP's concern, but I am not clear how this book would inform her in this situation.

Have you read the book? It specifically addresses sleepovers. It also has a whole chapter on how to empower girls to protect themselves when they are out in the world on their own. It teaches the behaviors of predators and specific steps to take by children if they feel vulnerable. How is that NOT helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being a little silly. My girls have friends sleep over almost every weekend. And they have two older teen brothers. It seems like we always have a house full of kids. I couldn't have provided you a list of who was sleeping over because I usually didn't even know. Teenage boys don't have "sleepovers"....they just "crash" at whatever house has the best food.

A parent who actually doesn't even know who is sleeping over at their own house? PP, you sound desperate to be considered the "cool parent". You could be harboring a kid who is using your lax supervision to engage in high risk behavior. My BIL (a really great, loving dad) spent the last year of his DS life trying to keep him from running away (just disappearing, going AWOL) over to his BF's house. The parent's house was well known as the party house--they were the cool parents who allowed drinking, girls to come over, etc. BIL son drank and smoked dope his entire senior year--he would come home for a few weeks and then disappear to the friend's house for days. He failed to graduate from HS and has yet to go back for his GED. My BIL is a respected, successful research scientist--his wife is a SAHM--they live in an upscale DC suburb. It would make me so angry to hear of this other family where all the boys "crashed". Parents like you make it nearly impossible to enforce any kind of reasonable standard of behavior with teens. Are you just so rich and bored in some huge mansion that you don't care? I mean, come on, how do you not know who is sleeping in your house?

You and the pp need some reading comprehension and to back up your judgment truck. That poster DID NOT say the she didn't know the kids who were staying at her house, but that she didn't know AHEAD of time who would be staying-- that often the "sleepovers" with her boys were impromptu events.

But nice way to go on a personal attack with the wrong Information. Personally, I would rather take my chances with that poster than a dolt like you--I'm not sure I would want my kid around yor idiocy and poison.

[Anonymous]

When you went to pick up DD, was this van parked out front?



Curious, how does one screen for pedophiles/teen rapists? I assume it's mostly gut, right? Not doing background checks beyond registered sex offender and arrest data I assume. Wouldn't the truly dangerous ones have a pretty developed "normal" vibe, the better to gain victims' (and their parents') trust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being a little silly. My girls have friends sleep over almost every weekend. And they have two older teen brothers. It seems like we always have a house full of kids. I couldn't have provided you a list of who was sleeping over because I usually didn't even know. Teenage boys don't have "sleepovers"....they just "crash" at whatever house has the best food.

A parent who actually doesn't even know who is sleeping over at their own house? PP, you sound desperate to be considered the "cool parent". You could be harboring a kid who is using your lax supervision to engage in high risk behavior. My BIL (a really great, loving dad) spent the last year of his DS life trying to keep him from running away (just disappearing, going AWOL) over to his BF's house. The parent's house was well known as the party house--they were the cool parents who allowed drinking, girls to come over, etc. BIL son drank and smoked dope his entire senior year--he would come home for a few weeks and then disappear to the friend's house for days. He failed to graduate from HS and has yet to go back for his GED. My BIL is a respected, successful research scientist--his wife is a SAHM--they live in an upscale DC suburb. It would make me so angry to hear of this other family where all the boys "crashed". Parents like you make it nearly impossible to enforce any kind of reasonable standard of behavior with teens. Are you just so rich and bored in some huge mansion that you don't care? I mean, come on, how do you not know who is sleeping in your house?

You and the pp need some reading comprehension and to back up your judgment truck. That poster DID NOT say the she didn't know the kids who were staying at her house, but that she didn't know AHEAD of time who would be staying-- that often the "sleepovers" with her boys were impromptu events.

But nice way to go on a personal attack with the wrong Information. Personally, I would rather take my chances with that poster than a dolt like you--I'm not sure I would want my kid around yor idiocy and poison.

THANK YOU! We have five kids. Somehow I've managed to get three of the five through high school and into college (all on academic scholarships) without any major crisis. I'll happily put my parenting record up against anyone's.

Of course I know who ends up sleeping at my house. But it is pretty common for my kids to come in from a movie, football game,...whatever...with friends. It gets late and they end up spending the night.

Also, to the PP who referenced the FBI Agent's dire warning (yes I am rolling my eyes because you are completely making it up) - My DH is an FBI Agent who spent two years working on Innocent Images (horrible internet child sexual abuse cases). He knows all too well that terrible things can happen to kids. However, we choose not to live our lives in fear. Our daughters spend the night with their friends regularly. One of my girls spent last night night with a friend. And *GASP** her older brother is home from college for the holidays. She's not home yet. Maybe I should alert the authorities. And my youngest had a friend spend the night last night despite the fact that my 19 year old son is home as well. I didn't clear it with mom. I'm definitely going to tell her about this thread when I see her in a couple of hours. We'll get a good laugh out of the paranoid behavior of some of you. And you wonder why your kids are so screwed up....

[Anonymous]

Curious, how does one screen for pedophiles/teen rapists? I assume it's mostly gut, right? Not doing background checks beyond registered sex offender and arrest data I assume. Wouldn't the truly dangerous ones have a pretty developed "normal" vibe, the better to gain victims' (and their parents') trust?

1. The paranoid parents on this thread shouldn't have had kids in the first place.

2. Now that they have kids, the only way to be certain they are safe is to insist on a criminal background check for anyone who might have contact with their precious children.

[Anonymous]

I think some of these posters do not have teens!

[Anonymous]

Actually, if I had a 16 year old daughter going on an overnight to your house, I wouldn't be worried about your 19 year old son, and his three college buddies who might come over to hang out, being molesters. I'd be worried about them being perfectly normal 19 year old young men. Who may very well be interested in 16 year old girls.

I would certainly want to know that they were there, and definitely want to know if any of them were also spending the night!

[Anonymous]

Stop rolling your eyes- I absolutely am not making that up. He told me this a few years back at my daughter's first birthday party...much to the horror of the other mothers within ear shot.

And, the whole point of the book "Protecting the Gift" is to trust your gut. I'm not an idiot asking for background checks but I do think it would be nice to have at least met casually the grown-ups who'll be in a house my kids are sleeping in - so I can go by my gut instincts.

Also, I'm sick the parents who don't really do any supervision when other people's young kids are at their house. I totally get, and see with my own kids, that having friends over can make it easier on the parents because your child has someone else to play with BUT too many parents take this as an excuse to get their own stuff done and don't pay attention at all to what the group of kids are doing. Of course, you shouldn't hover or intrude on their play, but listening at the door every once and a while or asking the visiting kids how they're doing occasionally should be standard. I'm all for kids having space but when I was a child I remember many situations where something bad would happen (like intense bullying or breaking something valuable) and the kid whose house it was would beg (and pressure us) not to tell his/her clueless parents.

[Anonymous]

Protecting the gift is an excuse for rampant paranoia. If you are already fearful, everyone will seem off to you.