sleepovers when your dd's friends have older brothers

[Anonymous]

I have two kids close in age, both in middle school -- DD is 18 months younger. She has a slightly older friend who has a big crush on my DS. We've done a couple of sleepovers but no more -- the friend is constantly texting DS, slipping him notes under the door etc. We've spoken to the girls but to no avail. I feel like it puts DS in a terrible position and we feel we need to stay up to supervise.

So just to say it's not only the boys that can be the problem.

[Anonymous]

I had an over protective mum and wasn't allowed to sleep over until I was 14. I developed early and had been coached in how to meet aggression with aggression and to get real loud real fast if someone did something they shouldnt but I still wasn't prepared for all the awkward moments caused by things older brothers of friends, their friends, and even their dads caused. If I didn't look the way I did, I'm sure I'd be more gullible about placing my trust in others. I used to tell my mum i wouldn't be so protective with any kids I had. I was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have posted in the past about this subject being the reason why we don't allow sleepovers as a general rule. I am a criminal defense attorney and I am the one who winds up defending the teenage boy, dad, etc from either an actual offense or a false allegation. Usually, an actual offense. Does it happen every day? No, but it happens very regularly. And PS, if I did have sons, I would send them someplace else for the evening if there was a sleepover of younger kids going on in my house. False allegations are crippling for anyone, but they are especially devastating to minors.

Even I have relaxed my absolutely no sleepovers rule and we have hosted some and kids have attended some, but I am very careful about it.

Hi defense attorney! You and I have "sparred" over the past couple years I think, and I am glad to see you have relaxed your rule (as I suspected you might). I'm a poster here who HAS allowed sleepovers in the past, but now that my kids are getting older, I usually send the older boy to a friend's house the night the younger girl has a sleepover, and vice versa. And I'm careful to know what is going on in the homes where I send my children. It's all about being alert and aware and proactive -- NOT paranoid. But kids are kids and can and will get goofy and inappropriate -- it is important not to have hard and fast rules, but to be flexible and to pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids close in age, both in middle school -- DD is 18 months younger. She has a slightly older friend who has a big crush on my DS. We've done a couple of sleepovers but no more -- the friend is constantly texting DS, slipping him notes under the door etc. We've spoken to the girls but to no avail. I feel like it puts DS in a terrible position and we feel we need to stay up to supervise.

So just to say it's not only the boys that can be the problem.

Interesting point of view.

I have an older DS and a younger DD. Haven't done sleepovers yet because the kids are young. This is something to think about, for sure.

[Anonymous]

My friend who is in the FBI told me, unsolicited, that if he had daughters he would be paranoid about sleepovers because, especially in this economy, random uncles and male "cousins" often end up crashing at people's houses. We're not really in the sleepover phase yet, but I hope I will be able to work up the nerve to ask whether other adults will be visiting. Awkward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not a paranoid person and generally am pretty chill, but I think it is a reasonable thing to want to know what older boys will be at a sleepover of preteen girls. In general I think it would be great if the older brother could arrange to be over at someone else's house.

I have an older boy and a younger girl, and lately I have started letting people know where the older boy will be, and whether he'll have a friend over himself. If so, I keep a close eye out. THe kids are all good kids, but the boys are now at the age where they can get really goofy and inappropriate, and the younger girls frankly are a great audience to egg them on.

Are you nuts? That's his home.

OP I think if you trust this friends parents then you trust them to keep an eye on things. I have an older brother, we often had friends over at the same time. The last thing my brother and his friends wanted to do was be around me and my friends!

[Anonymous]

You are not paranoid OP. You are a good parent. Sadly, we all have to think about the crazy stuff. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend who is in the FBI told me, unsolicited, that if he had daughters he would be paranoid about sleepovers because, especially in this economy, random uncles and male "cousins" often end up crashing at people's houses. We're not really in the sleepover phase yet, but I hope I will be able to work up the nerve to ask whether other adults will be visiting. Awkward!

The FBI thinks everyone is a terrorist or a pedopile. If you, or anyone else, asked this question, I would rescind the invitation. Your paranoia is not an explanation or justification for accusing my husband or sons of something so despicable. No one in your family would ever be invited to my home again.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, most people are not molesters but if 1 in 4 women have been sexually abused then there are certainly many people we should try to avoid exposing our children to. If you would be so offended by someone double checking this kind of stuff with you then you may be living in willful denial about what your own kids could be facing when they're outside of your home.

With older elementary aged kids it's hard to meet, let alone get to know, the parents of classmates. We don't even get a school directory. It's challenging to navigate playdates and sleepovers. I certainly do not want to ever be classist, and I know abusers, are in every socio-economic group, but a significant number of kids in my daighter's class come from homes where, in order to make ends meet, they have had to take in to their home several other family members and/or renters. I'd love some advice on how to feel comfortable with this without offending anybody or making my kids overly paranoid.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the parent. It is within your right to do as you please. but don't say you aren't paranoid or consider every make to be a child molester because you do. You contradict yourself by saying that then in the next sentence saying you are worried about there being a male there because - being male- they might molest your child.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that the paranoids ever consider that females could be a child molester.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend who is in the FBI told me, unsolicited, that if he had daughters he would be paranoid about sleepovers because, especially in this economy, random uncles and male "cousins" often end up crashing at people's houses. We're not really in the sleepover phase yet, but I hope I will be able to work up the nerve to ask whether other adults will be visiting. Awkward!

The FBI thinks everyone is a terrorist or a pedopile. If you, or anyone else, asked this question, I would rescind the invitation. Your paranoia is not an explanation or justification for accusing my husband or sons of something so despicable. No one in your family would ever be invited to my home again.

I'm sure pp is just weeping over the loss.

[Anonymous]

Okay what is wild here is that the two times anyone messed or tried to mess with me, once when I was nine and another time when I was 12, it was the friend's older brother. (Two friends, two older brothers.) Neither involved a sleepover. One happened after school, another happened one weekend right after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that the paranoids never consider that females could be a child molester.

Yup. My good friend was molested at a slumber party - it was by the host's older sister.

[Anonymous]

I suggest we all ask our husbands, fathers, etc if they ever had sexual feelings for a 9 year old when they were teenagers.

I'm guessing the answer will be a very offended "no".

Does molestation happen? Of course. You prepare kids to protect themselves by talking to them and being open to be talked to. Not by refusing to allow contact with any men aside from their father (speaking of, kids are more likely to be molested by a family member).