I Hate Houseguests

[Anonymous]

My extended damilt is all out of town and id love ti host them more often. Unfortunately we just don't have the comfortable space. Our 3 bedrooms are together at the end if the hall so even when we put our kids together and leave the visitors in child's bedroom, they have to listen to DHs awful loud snoring. And now I work so I have to run out in the mornings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you encourage and get your relatives to stay in a hotel? We have a beach house. I love to see them, love to visit with them, love to do things with them, but its all soured by excess groceries, either them cooking or me cooking causing the kitchen to be totally trashed, the 16 loads of laundry when they leave, the bathroom filth when they leave, everyone is in such a hurry to catch a plane or get on the road, they just zoom out and say thanks, I'm left with days of cleaning. It would be a lot more fun if they showered and cooked elsewhere. South Carolina beach mama

My family members with beach houses ask that we leave a cleaning fee for maid. I'm fine with that.

[Anonymous]

I'm leaving the country (seriously) when my ILs visit next.

[Anonymous]

One of the reasons I married an Asian woman is their willingness to be accepting of guests ..... and especially family who they don't even view as guests. She has taught me a lot and as a result I am also very accepting and welcoming of family and other guests.

DW's parents and other relatives have visited us numerous times and in the case of the parents for weeks at a time. She is just as welcoming of my parents and siblings and they just love her. Her parents who live abroad when they do visit spend at least three months with us. It is not a bother at all. My parents come more often but for a couple of weeks at a time. Our children are close to their grandparents and uncles and aunts as well as their cousins.

Does it cause an element of disruption in our lives ....... sure it does but OTOH, there is so much we gain from the closeness and the bonds that have resulted. The treatment is reciprocated when we visit them overseas. They insist on giving up their own bedroom because it is larger and more comfortable although we are loathe to inconvenience them because they have excellent guest rooms that are very comfortable. It is very much a cultural thing because our comfort is all important to them.

Reading some of the comments here affirms for me the wisdom of having married into a culture that is so much more family-oriented than appears to be represented by the comments on this thread. We would never think of asking family members or even friends stay at a hotel and, yes, we have picked people up at the airport at midnight on occasion even though tell us they will take a taxi or rent a car. We won't hear of it ..... picking them up from the airport is part of the hospitality we accord them.

Oh, in case anyone thinks that DW fits the stereotype of the demure Asian woman, believe me that nothing could be further from the truth. She is a highly educated, professional woman who went to a couple of the best colleges in the US and makes a substantial income. She is assertive and opinionated but has her priorities right.

Now flame away ...........

[Anonymous]

PP, I am in the reverse scenario, as the female married to an Asian DH (but our decision to marry was not based on anything relating to acceptance of guests). I have experienced what you describe, with the in-laws doing their utmost to be hospitable to us when we have visited them. But in our case, we are limited by our lack of space (apartment), and cannot accommodate anyone (maybe one person) with comfort. I can imagine if we had our own place it would be a completely different scenario. Still, it is hard for me to share space with guests for weeks at a time, as I am more private/introverted. Could I know, have you learned the language of your in-laws, so, is communication relatively easy?

[Anonymous]

I don't like houseguests either. With my family they're always complaining about my housekeeping skills, and with MIL she needs to be constantly entertained and waited on otherwise she gets annoyed. Luckily we have cats, and FIL and his wife are very allergic, so they won't stay with us. I ask BIL and SIL and any friends who come to visit to stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I am in the reverse scenario, as the female married to an Asian DH (but our decision to marry was not based on anything relating to acceptance of guests). I have experienced what you describe, with the in-laws doing their utmost to be hospitable to us when we have visited them. But in our case, we are limited by our lack of space (apartment), and cannot accommodate anyone (maybe one person) with comfort. I can imagine if we had our own place it would be a completely different scenario. Still, it is hard for me to share space with guests for weeks at a time, as I am more private/introverted. Could I know, have you learned the language of your in-laws, so, is communication relatively easy?

Communication with my FIL is relatively easy since he speaks fairly good English but with my MIL it is more limited. Between her rudimentary English and my even more rudimentary knowledge of their language communication with her is a challenge but we approach it with humor and patience.

I can understand if there are space constraints, it would be difficult though if we have several house-guests at the same time which does happen the kids are more than willing to give up their room and share a room with their siblings so that the house-guests can be accommodated comfortably. I have never once heard them gripe about it.

I, too, tend to be introverted but the great thing is that they don't expect to be entertained and catered to ......... they are part of the family and don't expect to be waited on hand and foot. I do find visiting them in their country to be more stressful because they have guests who pop in all the time and I am required to make an appearance and chat with them. I do so and depending on how much I have in common with them, I spend either a few minutes or much longer chatting with them.

When we have visited them, they will not let us spend a penny on anything: they actually tell us that when we are staying with them it would not be appropriate for us to have to pay for a thing! They are reasonably well-off but not rich by any means . Their hospitality is expressed in three main ways: making sure we are comfortable, feeding us endlessly with anything and everything we want to eat (and don't want to eat) and showering their grand-kids with gifts and especially jewelry.

This whole thing about one's attitude towards guests is admittedly cultural and also what one learns from one's own parents. My own parents interestingly have become more hospitable and they acknowledge that it is their interaction with DW that has brought about the change. I wonder how some of those posting on this thread about the sheer drudgery of entertaining relatives will feel when it comes to their own children viewing visits from them as being a burden to be dreaded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons I married an Asian woman is their willingness to be accepting of guests ..... and especially family who they don't even view as guests. She has taught me a lot and as a result I am also very accepting and welcoming of family and other guests.

DW's parents and other relatives have visited us numerous times and in the case of the parents for weeks at a time. She is just as welcoming of my parents and siblings and they just love her. Her parents who live abroad when they do visit spend at least three months with us. It is not a bother at all. My parents come more often but for a couple of weeks at a time. Our children are close to their grandparents and uncles and aunts as well as their cousins.

Does it cause an element of disruption in our lives ....... sure it does but OTOH, there is so much we gain from the closeness and the bonds that have resulted. The treatment is reciprocated when we visit them overseas. They insist on giving up their own bedroom because it is larger and more comfortable although we are loathe to inconvenience them because they have excellent guest rooms that are very comfortable. It is very much a cultural thing because our comfort is all important to them.

Reading some of the comments here affirms for me the wisdom of having married into a culture that is so much more family-oriented than appears to be represented by the comments on this thread. We would never think of asking family members or even friends stay at a hotel and, yes, we have picked people up at the airport at midnight on occasion even though tell us they will take a taxi or rent a car. We won't hear of it ..... picking them up from the airport is part of the hospitality we accord them.

Oh, in case anyone thinks that DW fits the stereotype of the demure Asian woman, believe me that nothing could be further from the truth. She is a highly educated, professional woman who went to a couple of the best colleges in the US and makes a substantial income. She is assertive and opinionated but has her priorities right.

Now flame away ...........

How large is your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like houseguests either. With my family they're always complaining about my housekeeping skills, and with MIL she needs to be constantly entertained and waited on otherwise she gets annoyed. Luckily we have cats, and FIL and his wife are very allergic, so they won't stay with us. I ask BIL and SIL and any friends who come to visit to stay in a hotel.

Mental Note: Get some cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons I married an Asian woman is their willingness to be accepting of guests ..... and especially family who they don't even view as guests. She has taught me a lot and as a result I am also very accepting and welcoming of family and other guests.

DW's parents and other relatives have visited us numerous times and in the case of the parents for weeks at a time. She is just as welcoming of my parents and siblings and they just love her. Her parents who live abroad when they do visit spend at least three months with us. It is not a bother at all. My parents come more often but for a couple of weeks at a time. Our children are close to their grandparents and uncles and aunts as well as their cousins.

Does it cause an element of disruption in our lives ....... sure it does but OTOH, there is so much we gain from the closeness and the bonds that have resulted. The treatment is reciprocated when we visit them overseas. They insist on giving up their own bedroom because it is larger and more comfortable although we are loathe to inconvenience them because they have excellent guest rooms that are very comfortable. It is very much a cultural thing because our comfort is all important to them.

Reading some of the comments here affirms for me the wisdom of having married into a culture that is so much more family-oriented than appears to be represented by the comments on this thread. We would never think of asking family members or even friends stay at a hotel and, yes, we have picked people up at the airport at midnight on occasion even though tell us they will take a taxi or rent a car. We won't hear of it ..... picking them up from the airport is part of the hospitality we accord them.

Oh, in case anyone thinks that DW fits the stereotype of the demure Asian woman, believe me that nothing could be further from the truth. She is a highly educated, professional woman who went to a couple of the best colleges in the US and makes a substantial income. She is assertive and opinionated but has her priorities right.

Now flame away ...........

Whipped.

[Anonymous]

Would you prefer to visit them instead? Having two young children I love house guests! It is much easier than traveling to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons I married an Asian woman is their willingness to be accepting of guests ..... and especially family who they don't even view as guests. She has taught me a lot and as a result I am also very accepting and welcoming of family and other guests.

DW's parents and other relatives have visited us numerous times and in the case of the parents for weeks at a time. She is just as welcoming of my parents and siblings and they just love her. Her parents who live abroad when they do visit spend at least three months with us. It is not a bother at all. My parents come more often but for a couple of weeks at a time. Our children are close to their grandparents and uncles and aunts as well as their cousins.

Does it cause an element of disruption in our lives ....... sure it does but OTOH, there is so much we gain from the closeness and the bonds that have resulted. The treatment is reciprocated when we visit them overseas. They insist on giving up their own bedroom because it is larger and more comfortable although we are loathe to inconvenience them because they have excellent guest rooms that are very comfortable. It is very much a cultural thing because our comfort is all important to them.

Reading some of the comments here affirms for me the wisdom of having married into a culture that is so much more family-oriented than appears to be represented by the comments on this thread. We would never think of asking family members or even friends stay at a hotel and, yes, we have picked people up at the airport at midnight on occasion even though tell us they will take a taxi or rent a car. We won't hear of it ..... picking them up from the airport is part of the hospitality we accord them.

Oh, in case anyone thinks that DW fits the stereotype of the demure Asian woman, believe me that nothing could be further from the truth. She is a highly educated, professional woman who went to a couple of the best colleges in the US and makes a substantial income. She is assertive and opinionated but has her priorities right.

Now flame away ...........

How large is your house?

5 bedrooms & 4 1/2 baths. Four children with the two youngest sharing a bedroom. One bedroom is a dedicated guest room. We have house guests - mostly family but also some friends - for more than half the year.

Mi casa es su casa ......

[Anonymous]

You married an asian women so you could have family over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons I married an Asian woman is their willingness to be accepting of guests ..... and especially family who they don't even view as guests. She has taught me a lot and as a result I am also very accepting and welcoming of family and other guests.

DW's parents and other relatives have visited us numerous times and in the case of the parents for weeks at a time. She is just as welcoming of my parents and siblings and they just love her. Her parents who live abroad when they do visit spend at least three months with us. It is not a bother at all. My parents come more often but for a couple of weeks at a time. Our children are close to their grandparents and uncles and aunts as well as their cousins.

Does it cause an element of disruption in our lives ....... sure it does but OTOH, there is so much we gain from the closeness and the bonds that have resulted. The treatment is reciprocated when we visit them overseas. They insist on giving up their own bedroom because it is larger and more comfortable although we are loathe to inconvenience them because they have excellent guest rooms that are very comfortable. It is very much a cultural thing because our comfort is all important to them.

Reading some of the comments here affirms for me the wisdom of having married into a culture that is so much more family-oriented than appears to be represented by the comments on this thread. We would never think of asking family members or even friends stay at a hotel and, yes, we have picked people up at the airport at midnight on occasion even though tell us they will take a taxi or rent a car. We won't hear of it ..... picking them up from the airport is part of the hospitality we accord them.

Oh, in case anyone thinks that DW fits the stereotype of the demure Asian woman, believe me that nothing could be further from the truth. She is a highly educated, professional woman who went to a couple of the best colleges in the US and makes a substantial income. She is assertive and opinionated but has her priorities right.

Now flame away ...........

How large is your house?

5 bedrooms & 4 1/2 baths. Four children with the two youngest sharing a bedroom. One bedroom is a dedicated guest room. We have house guests - mostly family but also some friends - for more than half the year.

Mi casa es su casa ......

There you have it. I'd be fine with extended visits if I had 4.5 (!) baths and a dedicated guest room. But I don't. Most people do not have these sorts of amenities.

How would you feel about visits lasting this long if you had a three-bedroom, 1.5 bath house as many (most?) in our area do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, I am in the reverse scenario, as the female married to an Asian DH (but our decision to marry was not based on anything relating to acceptance of guests). I have experienced what you describe, with the in-laws doing their utmost to be hospitable to us when we have visited them. But in our case, we are limited by our lack of space (apartment), and cannot accommodate anyone (maybe one person) with comfort. I can imagine if we had our own place it would be a completely different scenario. Still, it is hard for me to share space with guests for weeks at a time, as I am more private/introverted. Could I know, have you learned the language of your in-laws, so, is communication relatively easy?

Communication with my FIL is relatively easy since he speaks fairly good English but with my MIL it is more limited. Between her rudimentary English and my even more rudimentary knowledge of their language communication with her is a challenge but we approach it with humor and patience.

I can understand if there are space constraints, it would be difficult though if we have several house-guests at the same time which does happen the kids are more than willing to give up their room and share a room with their siblings so that the house-guests can be accommodated comfortably. I have never once heard them gripe about it.

I, too, tend to be introverted but the great thing is that they don't expect to be entertained and catered to ......... they are part of the family and don't expect to be waited on hand and foot. I do find visiting them in their country to be more stressful because they have guests who pop in all the time and I am required to make an appearance and chat with them. I do so and depending on how much I have in common with them, I spend either a few minutes or much longer chatting with them.

When we have visited them, they will not let us spend a penny on anything: they actually tell us that when we are staying with them it would not be appropriate for us to have to pay for a thing! They are reasonably well-off but not rich by any means . Their hospitality is expressed in three main ways: making sure we are comfortable, feeding us endlessly with anything and everything we want to eat (and don't want to eat) and showering their grand-kids with gifts and especially jewelry.

This whole thing about one's attitude towards guests is admittedly cultural and also what one learns from one's own parents. My own parents interestingly have become more hospitable and they acknowledge that it is their interaction with DW that has brought about the change. I wonder how some of those posting on this thread about the sheer drudgery of entertaining relatives will feel when it comes to their own children viewing visits from them as being a burden to be dreaded.

Thanks for explaining, PP (I'm the poster you replied to). As others have commented in response to your additional details, I think one main difference is that you do seem to have ample space in which to welcome guests (friends/family) comfortably. We just don't have this now at all. It is also extremely fortunate that your in-laws can speak English (at least mostly your FIL). In my case, the extended family do not speak English (maybe a few words, just like me in their language); so that, coupled with the lack of space and my nature of being more introverted/private, make it challenging to find enjoyment in spending extended time together. There is only so much gesticulation one can do, although we all do try our best.