what do SAHMs do once kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe think about your wife's day as a workday. Does she put in at least 8.5 hours, between getting kids ready for school in the morning and the cleaning/homework/dinner/bedtime duties when they come home? I suspect that her afternoons/evenings are probably busy. You probably get to relax after you come home from work and she deserves some time off work, too.

Or do you expect her to be working 10, 14, 24 hours a day?

I'm a mom, and between my paid job and running the household, I work about 15 hours a day (not including commute). Asking a SAHM to actually work 8 seems like a snap.

I stayed home for two years - NOT by choice. It was mind-numbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lots of time "to myself" but it fills up fast! I spend about two hours a day on routine "chores" and errands-- cleaning, grocery shopping, organizing, tidying, making sure DCs have whatever they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I volunteer with two schools, church and a not-for profit...some weeks that's several hours a day, other weeks very little. Then there are household projects, bills, investments, maintenance & repairs, sometimes decorating-type things like getting curtains made, rugs shampooed, etc. Things like organizing photos, reshopping insurance I never seem to get to, even though it seems like there should be time. I exercise about 2x a week; try to write (for pleasure) about 2x a week, sing in a chorus, entertain a lot (which doesn't take daytime hours except for planning). Life is very full, but there is no stress because I can say no to just about anything, and when the kids are home, I can be available for homework help, playing a game, nagging about instrument practice, just listening, or whatever they need, because the chores, projects and "me time" happen while they are at school. I know I'm very fortunate to have it this way, but I do resent people who think I must be bored or have too little to do.

How do you spend 2 hours a day on routine chores and errands? I've been a full time working mom for more than 12 years and can't imagine the inefficiency involved. I couldn't get everything done if I spend so much time on administrivia.

[Anonymous]

"But I will say that since all of the above activities of household management take up at least 20 hours a week, once I do find a job I don't know when I will find the time to get all of that done. "

You won't do it all - your DH will do some, you will outsource some and some of what you now do you'll decide is simply not necessary.

[Anonymous]

23:22, I don't see what's wrong with having kids spend 5 to 10 hours a week in aftercare so the parents can both work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a ton of "invisibles" that are done everyday. You'd notice them if the didn't get done (like the piles of dirty dishes in the sink, that aren't, or the dishes in the dishwasher that get loaded and unloaded, or the microwave that gets washed or, or the fridge that gets cleaned out, or the counters that get cleaned, or the bathroom sink and mirrors that get cleaned). The other stuff you notice, but the "invisibles" take up a lot of time and energy too. They don't go on a list. Even we forget we've done them. I have no idea what I've done all day, but it took forever... Yesterday I spent 6 hours ironing. That wasn't invisible.

I haven't bought any clothing that needs ironing for over 15 years. Wouldn't working a paid job be more fulfilling than 6 hours of ironing? DH and I take care of those "invisibles" between the two of us, and still manage to be out of the house 50 hours a week. Huh.

[Anonymous]

I'm home, even though my kids are at school. Not sure how families with two working parents do it. I sincerely admire them and appreciate how much more they do. Our life is pretty stress-free. It feels like someone is always sick, someone always has a dentist/orthodontist/doctor appt. A car needs to be serviced, etc. Admittedly, I'm a shitty housekeeper, but my husband is fairly laid back about it and gets it. Mostly, he's relieved that he can work when he needs to, travel for work when he needs to and have dinner and homework taken care of. Right now, my kids are off on break until January. No worries about camps/childcare. I do miss working and am considering a P/T position that opened up in my field. But I'm happy being home and am never "bored."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there are a lot of snide comment going on..most likely jealousy. I can SAHM because I made a lot of money and now my husband still does and we just don't need two incomes. It makes more sense for our family to have someone home--if I had my last job, I would be the angry stressed out mom that I hear often complaining on these boards. Frankly, I am happy-it's nice to go to all your kids events without a worry of getting fired or being just too tired to do it all. If your finances don't allow..this is a different story and I could see a partner getting mad but otherwise, it's a wonderful place to be. Call it lazy but really no because I am the room mom at two different schools, I get to volunteer on great projects, house looks great, I look great..we are all happy. When I was working--not so happy.

We paid off our mortgage this year and are banking 100% of my net income, but I have no intention of SAH. It wouldn't be fair to DH to be the only one with work stress, and it would be plain lazy and unnecessary. We've spent 10 years being full time working parents, all three of our kids are in full day school. The big difference is that working doesn't make me unhappy like it did you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM and the kids are in school. While I may have some time on my hands, my husband never has to be inconvenienced when there is an emergency. Kids with flu, car needs to go to the shop, sick dog. Helps keep us all sane.

I still don't get this.

If a kid is sick, my husband and I usually trade off, as there are days each one of us simply CANNOT take off. He fixes our cars. So there's no need for a mechanic. (lucky in this area)

When the cat was getting snipped, we made sure it was scheduled on a weekend.

We do the bulk of our shopping on Sunday after I make a meal plan - and we keep meals healthy yet simple.

I'm sorry, but women are such martyrs when it comes to household duties and child rearaing. It took - in most cases - TWO to buy a home and it definitely took TWO to make a baby. So if you stay home, and little Lulu is sick, why shouldn't Daddy stay home for a change to nurture little Lulu? Is that asking too much from a man? to be a father?

You need to embrace martyrdom to keep the rest sane?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is depressed. I love staying at home but even after 4 years, i still get depressed about the career i lost, nay, sacrificed to SAHM. I know how lucky i am to be at home and do this for us but still, i do sometimes get down about the "what could'a been's" especially when i read about WonderWomen here on DCUM or on FB - everyone looks so accomplished and well adjusted. Good luck OP - i always find that time alone together is the best medicine for the r'ship.

OP here. I thought of this. When I approached her with it, she got very upset and defensive. But I think it may very well be what the issue is. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

"Once the kids walk through the door at 3pm it is all kids all the time until 8:30 0r 9pm. I have a 5 hr day right there! "

Gosh golly. How haaaard it is. I get the luxury of getting up at 6:15 am to get my older kids off to middle and high school, then working from 8 to 5. Pick the younger kid up from afterschool care at 5:30, then my "5 hour day" starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm home, even though my kids are at school. Not sure how families with two working parents do it. I sincerely admire them and appreciate how much more they do. Our life is pretty stress-free. It feels like someone is always sick, someone always has a dentist/orthodontist/doctor appt. A car needs to be serviced, etc. Admittedly, I'm a shitty housekeeper, but my husband is fairly laid back about it and gets it. Mostly, he's relieved that he can work when he needs to, travel for work when he needs to and have dinner and homework taken care of. Right now, my kids are off on break until January. No worries about camps/childcare. I do miss working and am considering a P/T position that opened up in my field. But I'm happy being home and am never "bored."

Have you ever asked families with two full time working parents how they do it? My DH and I both take time off work for sick kids, car appointments, etc. and take turns going on business travel. It's really not that difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your issue? So what if you hear the washing machine, some loads take longer then others. And so what if she picks up the kids toys when you're home, one could argue your kids should be doing that. Is something else going on? Does she seem depressed? I would be if I had to live with you, but aside from that, does she? You just seem very micromanaging from where I sit. You mention she hasn't done long term projects, what are these? And does the school day allow for them? What with Christmas and spring break and summer kids aren't in school all that long. Don't forget snow days and teacher workdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a ton of "invisibles" that are done everyday. You'd notice them if the didn't get done (like the piles of dirty dishes in the sink, that aren't, or the dishes in the dishwasher that get loaded and unloaded, or the microwave that gets washed or, or the fridge that gets cleaned out, or the counters that get cleaned, or the bathroom sink and mirrors that get cleaned). The other stuff you notice, but the "invisibles" take up a lot of time and energy too. They don't go on a list. Even we forget we've done them. I have no idea what I've done all day, but it took forever... Yesterday I spent 6 hours ironing. That wasn't invisible.

LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to ask OP why do you care what she does all day? If you need the money then absolutely you have a right to discuss with her going back to work for the sake of your fa ily finances. Or, if the house is dirty, never any food in the house or meals prepared for kids, late paying bills, etc. Then I can also see you saying something. But, if you are just generally annoyed by her being home and you want her to account for her time then I think that you really need to look inside yourself and ask why you feel that way.

I might be biased because I am so lucky with my DH. He has often said to me if I want to put my feet up all day and watch tv, read, whatever then I should! He told me never to feel guilty about wanting time for me. Now maybe he says this because I am a neat freak, love to decorate, do his laundry, take care of the kids, cook dinner, etc. It might be different if I did not do these things. But he totally gets how hard it is. Once the kids walk through the door at 3pm it is all kids all the time until 8:30 0r 9pm. I have a 5 hr day right there! He also appreciates that he can stay at the office late when he needs to and not be stressed.

Last week things were crazy as I was at one of the kids schools for 3 days helping with a play. They needed parents and only had one or two who could help. At the end of the performance, my husband looked at me and thanked me for helping our DS class have such a great performance.

Please ask yourself why you resent your wife some freedom with her day. I bet you get a little at work. Maybe coffee in the hall with a colleague, lunch out, sending an email to a buddy and stopping at best buy on the way home? Think about it.

PP, the part I bolded is the problem. house is typically always messy, full grocery shopping is done maybe once or twice a month. Often, we are out of basics like milk, eggs, bread and she will run to 7-11 in the evenings when I mention it to pick those up. and then not go shopping again for a few weeks, dinner is hardly made when I get home (like in my pp, we fend for ouselves regarding dinner). I wouldn't have a problem with her SAH if the household was managed.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've got to believe your DW is depressed, from your last post.