what do SAHMs do once kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is the possibility of depression as others have mentioned and there is also the possibility that your spouse has a hard time organizing what seems like an eternity of unscheduled time. When I stopped working full time I felt completely ungrounded. I didn't know how I could possibly fill all the time up! I did go into a bit of depression b/c I didn't have the obligations and routines that I eventually found.

Maybe you could have a talk after the kids go to bed about how you can work together to get everything done. Then when you have a big list of things that need to get done, maybe spouse (with your help) can break them down into two things to do each day of the week. Sometimes if you just get productive right off the bat in the morning, you can avoid getting sucked into internet nothingness all day. Maybe your spouse is one who doesn't plan very well, but maybe she is good at following a plan that is laid out on paper. There is a sense of accomplishment in crossing something off a physical list.

Thank you. This makes sense too. She does have a bit of an ADD type personality (undiagnosed, of course) but when she did projects (scrapbooking, getting pictures in order, etc) she'd have many unfinished projects going at one time - come to think of it, never actually finished any of them.

Also thanks to the pp who gave a list of symptoms for depression. Does she have to have all of them?most of them? one of them? I can look it up later tonight, but thought I'd ask here in case you knew the answer off the top of your head.

No she doesn't have to have all of them, it is a bit of a judgement call but usually 4 or 5 symptoms. Here is the official list for diagnostic criteria - it says 5 symptoms. http://www.mental-health-today.com/dep/dsm.htm

[Anonymous]

OP -- check out today's Carolyn Hax Column in the Post. Kind of talks about how SAH parent thing can be good or can be bad. Maybe ask your spouse if she has read Hax today to get the conversation started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just went back to work after being at home for 7 years. I did spend a year at home when all of them were in school (fulltime) just to see what would happen. Well I almost lost my mind. The boredom was mindnumbing. Yes, the house was clean and laundry was done. But I defintely felt I was losing "myself" in it all and after a year (and a few months) decided it was time to get back to work.

I started in October and I think we are all much happier!
Staying home when kids are in school definitely isn't for everyone. A lot of my SAH friends seemed so busy but while I would have 2 or 3 more kids than them I still felt lost with out a job or a kid home.

I can honestly say that since my kids were born 15 years ago I have never once been bored. Exhausted, yes, still am. But when the kids go to school, as others have said, there is still the house, yard, errands, doctor appts, etc. I was lucky enough to find out about the Wednesday Morning Group in Chevy Chase. (Google it, it's awesome!) When that was done I had time to volunteer in my kids schools, worked with community and environmental groups. I was never bored! I have to work now to keep one of the DC's in private school (and to reestablish my eligibility for social security....don't even get me started on that!). If I didn't have to work for money I would still have plenty to do!

[Anonymous]

"But when the kids go to school, as others have said, there is still the house, yard, errands, doctor appts, etc."

No offense, but to me and some other people, all this stuff is boring. I'm no domestic goddess.

[Anonymous]

... "no offense.... "

We don't really care if you think it is boring.

If you told me about your paid job, it would probably be boring too. In fact, MY paid job was INSANELY boring. I couldn't take it anymore. One of the good things about being the SAHM, at least I can actually make something or do a repair/project that I can see. My paid job had NO product (delete message, review, delete message, etc., etc. for 8 hrs. a day). SAH also has plenty of boring moments, but I do have a lot more freedom and control in life, less stress and that is something to enjoy while while I'm in this phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... "no offense.... "

We don't really care if you think it is boring.

If you told me about your paid job, it would probably be boring too. In fact, MY paid job was INSANELY boring. I couldn't take it anymore. One of the good things about being the SAHM, at least I can actually make something or do a repair/project that I can see. My paid job had NO product (delete message, review, delete message, etc., etc. for 8 hrs. a day). SAH also has plenty of boring moments, but I do have a lot more freedom and control in life, less stress and that is something to enjoy while while I'm in this phase.

Good points. My paid job isn't boring, at least not for me. I'm senior enough that I have a good amount of creative control and freedom over what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... "no offense.... "

We don't really care if you think it is boring.

If you told me about your paid job, it would probably be boring too. In fact, MY paid job was INSANELY boring. I couldn't take it anymore. One of the good things about being the SAHM, at least I can actually make something or do a repair/project that I can see. My paid job had NO product (delete message, review, delete message, etc., etc. for 8 hrs. a day). SAH also has plenty of boring moments, but I do have a lot more freedom and control in life, less stress and that is something to enjoy while while I'm in this phase.

I'm okay with being bored once in a while at work, since they are paying me and all. My income makes a huge difference in our standard of living, and that's not boring at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"........or that you can do everything that I do and more. "

Yes, that IS my point as a full time working mom. We didn't have to give up half of our household income to lower our stress. I own it, I do think people who can't both work and raise children may be less competent than I am.

What makes you think I "can't" do it? I did it for years and enjoy being home more right now. And I'm sufficient competent that I've offered three positions in the past year without even looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm home, even though my kids are at school. Not sure how families with two working parents do it. I sincerely admire them and appreciate how much more they do. Our life is pretty stress-free. It feels like someone is always sick, someone always has a dentist/orthodontist/doctor appt. A car needs to be serviced, etc. Admittedly, I'm a shitty housekeeper, but my husband is fairly laid back about it and gets it. Mostly, he's relieved that he can work when he needs to, travel for work when he needs to and have dinner and homework taken care of. Right now, my kids are off on break until January. No worries about camps/childcare. I do miss working and am considering a P/T position that opened up in my field. But I'm happy being home and am never "bored."

Have you ever asked families with two full time working parents how they do it? My DH and I both take time off work for sick kids, car appointments, etc. and take turns going on business travel. It's really not that difficult.

Clearly, neither of you has my husband's job. Might you even consider that some people have jobs in which they are not able to take off the way you are as to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly can't imagine staying at home. There's nothing wrong with someone else wanting or needing to do so, it would just not be right for me. I never cooked, cleaned, or did any domestic duties before DS was born, my husband did them all. It would be a really strange shift for me to be primarily responsible for them, and I don't think it would be comfortable for either of us.

Exactly how I feel. My husband would not be as willing to do most of the cooking and share in other chores and errand running, all the car maintenance, and share in the grocery shopping and house upkeep if I stayed home, and I don't really enjoy those things. I get that some people do, I just really don't. I do enjoy my job. And we can outsource housekeeping and some other things (ordering online etc.) because I work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your DP needs help and encouragement. Try to frame the running of the household as tasks to do as minimally as possible or to outsource temporarily. When you both worked who shopped, cleaned, cooked, did laundry? Did you or DP give birth? How old is the youngest? I think there is definitely depression (and possible ADD, but attention and motivation are impacted by depression) at play. She is not a good homemaker, she lost and can't find a job, she is overwhelmed and doesn't feel good and you are (perhaps rightly) critical and disconnected from her as a woman. Trying to avoid your disapproval sort of motivates her (and sometimes people are "social workers") but she is clearly struggling. You need to make sure the house runs somehow right now, she can't. You know that so stop the frustrated Groundhog Day routine. Then you need to reconnect so that you will have that bond to draw on in helping her to get help and to plan the next phase of your life, one that plays to everyone's strengths. Btw if bedtime works for everyone I'd let them have that time. If she is depressed it might be the time they get the best "connection" with her. This is not a good situation OP, you need to do some reading and reflection and take some actions. Best to you. PP who is the getting divorced lesbian mom.

[Anonymous]

There is great value, studies show, in a parent being home after school during middle school and high school years. On a personal note, good Family friends, with 3 kids, all super kids (2 went to Harvard) but moreover they never got into too muCh trouble, but many of their friends did. We asked what they thought made the difference for them, and they said having mom at home after school and checking up on us with social stuff, etc.
THat really resonates with me and my own experience. It's a decision we have made for me to be home, especially during those yeArs and I feel extremely lucky. They may still screw up, but I have to think I'll see the signs earlier.

[Anonymous]

"Clearly, neither of you has my husband's job. Might you even consider that some people have jobs in which they are not able to take off the way you are as to? "

Then the other spouse is essentially forced to SAH or work pt, and hopefully the spouse with the inflexible job is being paid enough to compensate for the inflexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your DP needs help and encouragement. Try to frame the running of the household as tasks to do as minimally as possible or to outsource temporarily. When you both worked who shopped, cleaned, cooked, did laundry? Did you or DP give birth? How old is the youngest? I think there is definitely depression (and possible ADD, but attention and motivation are impacted by depression) at play. She is not a good homemaker, she lost and can't find a job, she is overwhelmed and doesn't feel good and you are (perhaps rightly) critical and disconnected from her as a woman. Trying to avoid your disapproval sort of motivates her (and sometimes people are "social workers") but she is clearly struggling. You need to make sure the house runs somehow right now, she can't. You know that so stop the frustrated Groundhog Day routine. Then you need to reconnect so that you will have that bond to draw on in helping her to get help and to plan the next phase of your life, one that plays to everyone's strengths. Btw if bedtime works for everyone I'd let them have that time. If she is depressed it might be the time they get the best "connection" with her. This is not a good situation OP, you need to do some reading and reflection and take some actions. Best to you. PP who is the getting divorced lesbian mom.

PP you've given me great advice in both your posts. I think I was (am) feeling overwhelmed myself and didn't know where to start. The idea of taking baby steps to get things going is a good one and hopefully will help with our "groundhog" day routine. Actually, we have a lot to do for Christmas (some friends coming for Xmas eve dinner) and I've been extra frustrated with things not getting done - probably more because I'm worried about how I'm going to get it all done myself and she said to me just last night to please remind her - one at a time - of what she needs to do THAT DAY and if I didn't mind breaking it down for her. Like, today, clean the bathrooms. tomorrow, go shopping for xmas eve dinner....that kind of thing. I secretly wondered if she read this thread and maybe took to heart some of the more thoughtful and helpful posts such as yours. Anyway, it made me realize that she's probably struggling just as much and is really trying.

Thanks again for eveyone's thoughtful and helpful posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"........or that you can do everything that I do and more. "

Yes, that IS my point as a full time working mom. We didn't have to give up half of our household income to lower our stress. I own it, I do think people who can't both work and raise children may be less competent than I am.

What makes you think I "can't" do it? I did it for years and enjoy being home more right now. And I'm sufficient competent that I've offered three positions in the past year without even looking.

I didn't say that....I said "may be" less competent.