what do SAHMs do once kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your issue? So what if you hear the washing machine, some loads take longer then others. And so what if she picks up the kids toys when you're home, one could argue your kids should be doing that. Is something else going on? Does she seem depressed? I would be if I had to live with you, but aside from that, does she? You just seem very micromanaging from where I sit. You mention she hasn't done long term projects, what are these? And does the school day allow for them? What with Christmas and spring break and summer kids aren't in school all that long. Don't forget snow days and teacher workdays.

This is not a fair statement. I can't remember the last time I came home and wasn't walking over/on top of clothes strewn across the bedroom and hallway floor. More often than not, we are out of basic foods and I have to keep reminding her to go shopping. Our fridge hasn't been cleaned out since we were both working and had a housecleaner (which we now can't afford). I am often picking up the family room and I think I'm the only one that vacuums - ever. I put up the holiday decorations, I ordered, signed and mailed out our Christmas cards, I pay the bills, and I have signed our kids up for the afternoon activities (because she has missed a few deadlines in the past and I'm worried the kids will miss out if I don't do it.) If I were micromanaging, I'd have given her a "to-do" list and been on her back last year when this started. I've been overlooking it all and trying to pick up the pieces for a long time and am now just talking about it (even if it's on an anonymous forum). I am VERY laid back but am getting increasingly frustrated. It is hurting our relationship because it no longer feels like a partnership - it feels like everything is falling on my shoulders except babysitting the kids from 3-6 (when I get home) and doing the bare minimum when pushed and nagged and reminded a dozen times.

Clearly, my situation is not the normal SAHM situation - I see that.

[Anonymous]

I am curious why she does bath and bedtime? If she is with the kids from 3-6 and she does bath and bedtime routine - when do you spend time with the kids? Why not share bedtime routines.

It seems either she is depressed, or is resentful and being passive-aggresssive about it, or she is just lazy, or something is going on.

I don't think this is your fault and I understand your frustration. It isn't the normal situation. You might need to consider counseling to get at the root of the issue if you can't do that by communicating.

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible she's having an affair? I don't want to rain on your parade but a SAHM friend of mine has 2 kids in school all day and yet races around to do housework and errands in the evenings/odd hours. And that's why.

[Anonymous]

Yes this woman is depressed. Intelligent people can be resistant to counseling, so good luck OP. Maybe if she gets the idea re: counseling from someone else (like an intervention?) ?

[Anonymous]

I have not problem with women staying home and I'm sure they can fill their days, or have a lot of time to relax, or whatever. It just struck me from the many posts about how their staying home keeps DH stress free, and while I agree that if DH was making my salary + his and I stayed home, he may be less stressed, I just would resent the hell out of him. We both love our jobs, maybe that is why. Between activities and school and DH going in late to cover mornings while I go in early and get home earlier, the kids are either with him or at school/activities at least 35 hours a week, which is a nice amount of time for me to make a living. I realize not everyone wants this and that's fine...it just struck me that all these DH's have stress-free lives and the moms are doing a lot of household management. But, I suppose it's not a sacrifice if you don't mind it or would rather not be working.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. After going through the responses, I really think it's depression. To the pp who suggested an affair - I doubt it because she is often still in her morning sweat-clothes and usually has not showered or bathed by the time I get home (another indicator of depression?).

To the pp who asked about bed-time routine. This has always been her thing with the kids. They have a routine and have it down. I will sometimes join them (probably 3 times a week) and when I try to do it myself the kids tell me to leave and they want her to do it. Actually, come to think of it, the last couple times I tried to join them (lie in bed with them for book-reading, etc.) they told me to leave because there's not enough room I suppose it's my fault - she's been doing it since they were little and they are used to it. I play with them exclusively from the time I get home until bedtime. Maybe I need to force myself more on the bedtime routine part despite the protests from everyone.

[Anonymous]

If she's not showering or bathing daily, SUPER RED FLAG for depression. Have you read up on common symptoms?

[Anonymous]

OP just want to say good luck to you and sorry you're going through this. If she is depressed, it can be a long and difficult road as a spouse. I think you said she started being this way a year ago - did anything you can think of happen that could have precipitated it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not problem with women staying home and I'm sure they can fill their days, or have a lot of time to relax, or whatever. It just struck me from the many posts about how their staying home keeps DH stress free, and while I agree that if DH was making my salary + his and I stayed home, he may be less stressed, I just would resent the hell out of him. We both love our jobs, maybe that is why. Between activities and school and DH going in late to cover mornings while I go in early and get home earlier, the kids are either with him or at school/activities at least 35 hours a week, which is a nice amount of time for me to make a living. I realize not everyone wants this and that's fine...it just struck me that all these DH's have stress-free lives and the moms are doing a lot of household management. But, I suppose it's not a sacrifice if you don't mind it or would rather not be working.

I doubt many of us have DHs whose lives are stress free. It isn't about trying to keep his life stress free it is about reducing the stress in all of our lives. This isn't about scurrying around so your DH never has to do anything or trying to anticipate his every whim. It is about household management that allows for a relaxed, less stress home environment that isn't rushed and includes a lot of quality time together and still able to get to activities/early bedtimes/date nights/time with the kids. We both greatly value what the other brings to the household and we both realize and appreciate the sacrifices each has made to enable their part. Both our lives have stress - his working reduces my stress, my household management reduces his stress - together we reduce the kids stress. It is a win-win-win.

[Anonymous]

"It is about household management that allows for a relaxed, less stress home environment that isn't rushed and includes a lot of quality time together and still able to get to activities/early bedtimes/date nights/time with the kids."

I think both parents should contribute financially and with the children/household in material ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's not showering or bathing daily, SUPER RED FLAG for depression. Have you read up on common symptoms?

As a quick reference...symptoms often include

Mood - can be any of....sad, overwhelmed, irritable, angry, empty, numb. Also may be anxious in situations they weren't previously anxious about (social situations, work requirements etc...)

Sleep Changes - too much or too little
Interest Change - loss of interest in things she used to enjoy
Guilt - feelings of guilt, self-depreciation, not good enough,
Energy - loss of energy and motivation
Concentration - hard to focus, hard to think, hard to get anything done and follow through to completion on tasks
Cognitive distortions - perspective skewed by polarized thinking/catastrophizing/personalizing/blaming/overgeneralizing/filtering out positives
Appetite Changes - eat too little or too much
Psychomotor Slowing - moves slower, every physical action takes more effort, inertia becomes very powerful. Body may even start to feel heavy, disconnected.
Suicide - either suicidal ideation or planning or more passive death thoughts - people would be better off if I was dead, dead isn't so bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm home, even though my kids are at school. Not sure how families with two working parents do it. I sincerely admire them and appreciate how much more they do. Our life is pretty stress-free. It feels like someone is always sick, someone always has a dentist/orthodontist/doctor appt. A car needs to be serviced, etc. Admittedly, I'm a shitty housekeeper, but my husband is fairly laid back about it and gets it. Mostly, he's relieved that he can work when he needs to, travel for work when he needs to and have dinner and homework taken care of. Right now, my kids are off on break until January. No worries about camps/childcare. I do miss working and am considering a P/T position that opened up in my field. But I'm happy being home and am never "bored."

Have you ever asked families with two full time working parents how they do it? My DH and I both take time off work for sick kids, car appointments, etc. and take turns going on business travel. It's really not that difficult.

The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not problem with women staying home and I'm sure they can fill their days, or have a lot of time to relax, or whatever. It just struck me from the many posts about how their staying home keeps DH stress free, and while I agree that if DH was making my salary + his and I stayed home, he may be less stressed, I just would resent the hell out of him. We both love our jobs, maybe that is why. Between activities and school and DH going in late to cover mornings while I go in early and get home earlier, the kids are either with him or at school/activities at least 35 hours a week, which is a nice amount of time for me to make a living. I realize not everyone wants this and that's fine...it just struck me that all these DH's have stress-free lives and the moms are doing a lot of household management. But, I suppose it's not a sacrifice if you don't mind it or would rather not be working.

I doubt many of us have DHs whose lives are stress free. It isn't about trying to keep his life stress free it is about reducing the stress in all of our lives. This isn't about scurrying around so your DH never has to do anything or trying to anticipate his every whim. It is about household management that allows for a relaxed, less stress home environment that isn't rushed and includes a lot of quality time together and still able to get to activities/early bedtimes/date nights/time with the kids. We both greatly value what the other brings to the household and we both realize and appreciate the sacrifices each has made to enable their part. Both our lives have stress - his working reduces my stress, my household management reduces his stress - together we reduce the kids stress. It is a win-win-win.

I'm glad you see it that way. But, it strikes me that dads who don't participate in the day-to-day care of their children don't bond with them as much as dads who do. Also, I hope that you have some financial arrangements set up for you alone. Also, I worry about kids not seeing their mothers use their degrees to work OTH and choosing to depend on their husbands and families for fulfillment, both financial and emotional. It's only win-win-win if you see in one way. IMO, there are going to be trade-offs if you SAH, and you need to be honest about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It is about household management that allows for a relaxed, less stress home environment that isn't rushed and includes a lot of quality time together and still able to get to activities/early bedtimes/date nights/time with the kids."

I think both parents should contribute financially and with the children/household in material ways.

And that is your choice for your home. We are a team and not everything is split exactly 50-50 and we are okay with that. In a team not everyone has the same responsibilities but as long as everyone carries their weight and does their share then as a team you get the job done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm home, even though my kids are at school. Not sure how families with two working parents do it. I sincerely admire them and appreciate how much more they do. Our life is pretty stress-free. It feels like someone is always sick, someone always has a dentist/orthodontist/doctor appt. A car needs to be serviced, etc. Admittedly, I'm a shitty housekeeper, but my husband is fairly laid back about it and gets it. Mostly, he's relieved that he can work when he needs to, travel for work when he needs to and have dinner and homework taken care of. Right now, my kids are off on break until January. No worries about camps/childcare. I do miss working and am considering a P/T position that opened up in my field. But I'm happy being home and am never "bored."

Have you ever asked families with two full time working parents how they do it? My DH and I both take time off work for sick kids, car appointments, etc. and take turns going on business travel. It's really not that difficult.

The ones I know are always calling me to pick up their kids from aftercare b/c they will get a dollar a minute or drive their kid from soccer practice to camp in the summer or take their kid to girl scouts. Not that difficult? Perhaps you have the luxury of a flexible, forgiving job. Not all of us can be lucky (or so snide).

I get calls from moms of 3+ kids to see if I can take one of their children home after school because of conflicts with the older children's schedules.