what do SAHMs do once kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

I agree that there are a lot of snide comment going on..most likely jealousy. I can SAHM because I made a lot of money and now my husband still does and we just don't need two incomes. It makes more sense for our family to have someone home--if I had my last job, I would be the angry stressed out mom that I hear often complaining on these boards. Frankly, I am happy-it's nice to go to all your kids events without a worry of getting fired or being just too tired to do it all. If your finances don't allow..this is a different story and I could see a partner getting mad but otherwise, it's a wonderful place to be. Call it lazy but really no because I am the room mom at two different schools, I get to volunteer on great projects, house looks great, I look great..we are all happy. When I was working--not so happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there are a lot of snide comment going on..most likely jealousy. I can SAHM because I made a lot of money and now my husband still does and we just don't need two incomes. It makes more sense for our family to have someone home--if I had my last job, I would be the angry stressed out mom that I hear often complaining on these boards. Frankly, I am happy-it's nice to go to all your kids events without a worry of getting fired or being just too tired to do it all. If your finances don't allow..this is a different story and I could see a partner getting mad but otherwise, it's a wonderful place to be. Call it lazy but really no because I am the room mom at two different schools, I get to volunteer on great projects, house looks great, I look great..we are all happy. When I was working--not so happy.

I agree with the snide comments.

Pot, meet Kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To address the OP directly, there could be many reasons for DW's evasion of your questioning. Perhaps she feels overwhelmed by the scope of these long-term projects you mention. Perhaps her skills as, say, a handyman, if that's the case, are limited and it's difficult for her to get going. It's possible her time during the day is her only privacy and she evades your questions to protect her privacy - not entirely reasonable but possible. We're not all WonderWoman. i also would consider one PPs suggestion that her time "off" do not coincide with your time "off." E.g. I am on duty during the evenings, cooking, cleaning up after dinner, getting lunches ready and getting kids into bed, while that's DH's time off. So perhaps she's taking time during the day to paint her nails, bathe, veg ... . It's also possible the the kids only recently started school full time - is the youngest a kindergartner? Maybe she's adjusting to this new normal and trying to find her own space/time continuum.

Thank you for this. This is it - all of it. And I am very real. And I swear I am not trying to start anything. I am seriously upset and our relationship is suffering because of it and I wanted to come on here and ask - in case I was missing something - before getting into what will probably be big fights for a while coming.

I appreciate everyone's honest feedback. But to be honest - for everyone that brought up very valid and normal responses about what you do while your kids are at school, I think that is what I expected my partner to do. But all those things aren't getting done. And I think that's where my frustration lies. I wouldn't be so frustrated if all these things were getting done, but it seems like she just checked out and does nothing while our kids are at school.

to the pp, I think you may have a point. Our youngest started kindergarten this year. But when I get home, the house is a mess with toys scattered all over and most days dinner isn't cooked. Basically, we all just fend for ourselves. She tells me the kids were hungry after school so she made them a heavy snack so by the time I get home they aren't hungry so I just make myself something. Also, we have a ton of projects that we were waiting until the kids went back to school for her to do -and not handyman type projects - since we're both women, we always outsource those. But things like pack up the infant toys and clothes to sell or give them away. Put the crib up on craigs list to sell. things like that. And every time I ask her about them, she tells me she had too much to do. She is completely against going back to work. Also, for background. She wasn't a SAHM for long. She lost her job about 2 years ago and after looking for something else and getting really frustrated, we decided as a family that she should try the SAHM thing. Our kids finished out the day care year - so back then, our youngest kid stayed in DC until 4 or 5 (even when I'd insist she pick her up early, she would say our DD would be miserable at home because she loved playing with all the other kids) and then she enterd kindergarten.

Honestly, I am not trying to stir the pot, but am feeling resentful and getting more and more upset. I seriously would have NO problem with her being a SAHM if I came home and things were actually done around the house. She does put the kids to bed, give them bath, etc. so maybe the pp is right that my down time is in the evenings and hers is during the day. Ugh, I just have to figure out what to do about this. I don't want us growing apart because of this. Honestly, part of me is waiting for the summer when both kids are home full time so that DW would see how hard a job being a SAHM is when the kids are home FT. It may incent her to decide to start looking for a job herself.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I wanted to assure everyone I am real, I am frustrated, and I think our situation is not typical of other SAHMs who do a lot for the family. I just wish my partner did as much as well.

[Anonymous]

Is she depressed? The job loss combined with not being able to get things done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. that's what I thought. I just wanted to see if maybe I'm missing something. I want my partner to start thinking about going back to work and she says the kids need her still. Which I'm sure is true, but I'm feeling a bit resentful that I'm going to work every day and she isn't getting all these long term projects I thought she'd work on when the kids are at school. When I ask her what she's done all day she tells me what she's done with the kids (which are of course done after school) and say laundry, when I hear the washer going - so I know she just threw a load in. Things like that. Just getting frustrated with it.

A lot of them volunteer, or as you say, do long term house projects. Or go back to work part time so they are still available to cover sick days and be home when kids are not in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once your kids are ready for school, there is about 3 years worth of laundry piled up, 2 weeks worth of dishes, a house-full of closets that need cleaned out, a basement full of baby gear and baby clothes that needs to be sorted, tossed and donated, and there is at least 5 years worth of scrapbooking. Add to that all the years lost that you couldn't work out.

Once you're done with the initial load, they'll be in third grade, at which point you'll be burnt out and ready for morning coffee with friends before heading out to volunteer at your school because you're the room mom, of course.

Don't fret....as soon as they get home, there are activites galore, that is, if they get their hour worth of homework done on-time.

At some point in the say, you might be able to put together a decent dinner, but if you wait until the kids come home from school...screw it...it's grilled cheese again.

My youngest is in 1st grade. I've got a list a mile long of things that need to be done. I gave up TV 3 years ago. DCUM is slowly filling in the gaps of any boredom though.

Your first paragraph is funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much everything house and home related so that none of it needs to be done after school or on weekends. Get all shopping done, meals prepped and ready. Cleaning, garden and yard maintenance. Also lots of volunteer work, time in the kids schools and on school outings. Home for sick days..and niece and nephew sick days and neighbors kids sick days! Also home for all appointments and contractors. A place to hang out with a snack and adult supervision for the middle school age neighbor kids who would otherwise be home alone. Lots of catching up with friends, visiting and helping out elderly family, taking meals to someone who is sick etc...

Creates a great deal of quality family time and individual time with the kids on evenings and weekends and time for date nights too. Minimizes rush and playing catch up and keeps stress in the family low.

What do you do all weekend with no chores or errands? Aren't your kids busy with activities and playdates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't state how long your kids have been in school, but if your wife stayed home with multiple kids for 5+ years i think she deserves 6 months to recup before diving into any serious long term projects or work. and i say this as a WOHM.

Sorry, I am just now reading through all these. We have 2 kids, 1 year apart (5 yo and 6 yo). When the younger one was still in full time daycare, by partner lost her job. She searched for a few months and couldn't find anything. We decided that she should be a SAHM but kept younger child in DC in case she found a job (she would still look occasionally). And now both kids are in school. So, my partner never had the kids full time at home for several years. And I agree - having kids at home full time is hard work. I think it's admirable and even having them after school is hard - which is why this has been festering for a while inside me before I am bringin it up.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is depressed. I love staying at home but even after 4 years, i still get depressed about the career i lost, nay, sacrificed to SAHM. I know how lucky i am to be at home and do this for us but still, i do sometimes get down about the "what could'a been's" especially when i read about WonderWomen here on DCUM or on FB - everyone looks so accomplished and well adjusted. Good luck OP - i always find that time alone together is the best medicine for the r'ship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe think about your wife's day as a workday. Does she put in at least 8.5 hours, between getting kids ready for school in the morning and the cleaning/homework/dinner/bedtime duties when they come home? I suspect that her afternoons/evenings are probably busy. You probably get to relax after you come home from work and she deserves some time off work, too.

Or do you expect her to be working 10, 14, 24 hours a day?

I'm a mom, and between my paid job and running the household, I work about 15 hours a day (not including commute). Asking a SAHM to actually work 8 seems like a snap.

[Anonymous]

I want to ask OP why do you care what she does all day? If you need the money then absolutely you have a right to discuss with her going back to work for the sake of your fa ily finances. Or, if the house is dirty, never any food in the house or meals prepared for kids, late paying bills, etc. Then I can also see you saying something. But, if you are just generally annoyed by her being home and you want her to account for her time then I think that you really need to look inside yourself and ask why you feel that way.

I might be biased because I am so lucky with my DH. He has often said to me if I want to put my feet up all day and watch tv, read, whatever then I should! He told me never to feel guilty about wanting time for me. Now maybe he says this because I am a neat freak, love to decorate, do his laundry, take care of the kids, cook dinner, etc. It might be different if I did not do these things. But he totally gets how hard it is. Once the kids walk through the door at 3pm it is all kids all the time until 8:30 0r 9pm. I have a 5 hr day right there! He also appreciates that he can stay at the office late when he needs to and not be stressed.

Last week things were crazy as I was at one of the kids schools for 3 days helping with a play. They needed parents and only had one or two who could help. At the end of the performance, my husband looked at me and thanked me for helping our DS class have such a great performance.

Please ask yourself why you resent your wife some freedom with her day. I bet you get a little at work. Maybe coffee in the hall with a colleague, lunch out, sending an email to a buddy and stopping at best buy on the way home? Think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That load of laundry you hear when you get home is not the first to be done -- it's the 3rd and the other 2 are already put away. Laundry never rests.

It IS easier when the kids go back to school -- which still isn't enough reward for the incredible amount of work done during the years that they were home and DH was assuming that he didn't need to help out, you know, because I had all that time to do 100% of the work.

With the kids in school, life is paced at an enjoyable pace. Housework gets done in the morning, lunch with friends, volunteer activities and grocery shopping, and then I'm there to chauffer in the afternoons, help with homework, make a decent dinner, and still have the energy for DH when he comes home. None of this was true when I was juggling and squeezing all of this into 3 hours in the late afternoon. And I was not happy.

Did you work out and outsource household chores when you worked?

[Anonymous]

20:33, so just how do two full time working parent households do it?

"I mean there is a lot to do all of the time for ME."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't state how long your kids have been in school, but if your wife stayed home with multiple kids for 5+ years i think she deserves 6 months to recup before diving into any serious long term projects or work. and i say this as a WOHM.

When do WOHMs get 6 months to recoup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM and the kids are in school. While I may have some time on my hands, my husband never has to be inconvenienced when there is an emergency. Kids with flu, car needs to go to the shop, sick dog. Helps keep us all sane.

But then you have to do all the family grunt work. Yuck.