Very creepy Metro story
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Anonymous
I have been told my whole life that I am "too nice," and that I attract creeps because of an aura of vulnerability. This is not a new problem. Seeing all the different comments has been very educational. (OP again) If this guy had come up like evil incarnate, I think I would have had more gumption. But he started by asking about the baby, and telling me about his kids, how one of his daughters is a teacher and another is at an Ivy League school and stuff. He said that he is often discriminated against for his dark skin and his beard, and people treat him badly and call him a terrorist, and how nice it was that I was willing to have a nice conversation. My own husband looks Middle Eastern, so I understood that perspective, and I felt an extra obligation to chit chat with him. And then, all of a sudden, when he started complaining about his wife, he dropped his voice, so I thought I must have misunderstood him--surely he didn't just say what I think he said! And then I thought, maybe this is a cultural thing. I don't know. It was so outrageous. Then he was back to talking about his kids. His tone stayed the same--just your friendly neighborhood Turkish man talking to the nice pregnant lady. And then when it dawned on me that he was actually propositioning me, it again just seemed ridiculous. Made no sense. By the time it got really creepy, I was flustered and taking refuge in exaggerated politeness. Wrong, I know, but I just didn't figure things out quickly enough. My husband has both prosecuted and defended all kinds of perverts in the military, and I could tell lots of stories. (They universally go back to porn. These men really truly think women want them (the perpetrators) to do/say what they do.) I'm not naive, but I have a temperament that has a super hard time saying no to ANYTHING. Add in my childish face and voice, and I have a problem. I wish things were different. |
Anonymous
| To the OP. Maybe for the future...try to avoid empty cars if possible, and only sit in the seats in the front row or in the handicap section, where you can get out easily without being cornered in the window seat. |
Anonymous
YES!! This is exactly what I would have done. It was incredibly presumptious and rude of him to make a personal comment on your appearance. OP - Do not acknowledge these types of comments!! The construction worker in the other example freaks me out more though. That could have turned out really badly for you AND your daughters. OP, you have got to learn self protective behavior. |
Anonymous
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OP, i have friends like you. on one hand, it's a gift, because you can make friends quickly. on the other hand, it's almost like you're lacking some self-preservation measures...
i'd recommend what we do with our kids when we teach them about stranger danger. think through potential scenarios, think through what you would do, have a plan of action - then practice it. it seems cheesy, but it's arming yourself for future encounters like this and i think it would be helpful. |
Anonymous
| OP, I actually think you're being too hard on yourself. I hear a lot of self- blame from you. Try to be kinder to yourself. I am sorry for your history of sexual assault. That must have been a very hard thing to overcome. It sounds like you are stronger than you think you are. In terms of situations where strange men are harassing you, I agree with PP's who have said you need to assess the situation. The important thing is to come away unhurt. Do whatever you need to to get away from the situation unharmed. If that means humoring someone until you can get off the train safely, so be it. If it means yelling and screaming, do that. It sounds like it depends on the situation. My general rule of thumb for the metro is don't make eye contact- seriously. If you do make eye contact, look pissed. It's a sad state ofthe world but I just treat all strange men in public (where I'm alone, or in a vulnerable situation etc.) as if they have bad intentions. It's just self preservation. |
Anonymous
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btw OP, i think it easy for these anonymous pps to see your story in hindsight and say "well I would've punched him in the face." i know what it's like as it's going on... you kind of freeze because it's so odd and unexpected.
i'm not a shy person and i'm extremely assertive and am not afraid to be mean to rude people or to speak up for myself. still, there was one time when i was at a crowded bar where a creepy older man literally grabbed my butt as he squeezed by in the crowd. what did i do? i pulled his wrist off of me and kept going. i didn't call him out, i didn't punch him in the face, i didn't curse at him... all these things that i would normally picture myself doing. it was so out of the blue and unexpected and weird that i just reacted while my mind went "what in the world is happening?" and by the time i processed how pissed off i was about it, it was too late - i don't know where he was, and i was doing something else. anyway, i don't blame you, but i think there are things we can do to anticipate these kinds of encounters and have a prepared response that becomes second nature. kind of like when they teach you to yell "FIRE" if you are being attacked/assaulted instead of "help" because more people will respond to "fire." |
Anonymous
| Also, OP, when you're in a situation that in your gut doesn't feel right or feels creepy, trust your gut. Don't think of it as being mean. Reframe it as loving yourself and your children enough to protect yourself - for you and the people who love and need you. |
Anonymous
When did I say they didn't? |
Anonymous
| This guy was actually very calculating by starting out with relatively benign conversation to get you to drop your guard. The other problem that probably made it hard to determine how to react is that women feel pressure to be "nice" all the time. If something like this were to happen again, you could start out by saying "I don't feel comfortable talking about this with you" and move on to "I am not interested in you. Please leave me alone" to "I am going to change cars/call the police." You don't have to scream, or call him names, you can just state them factually. |
Anonymous
OP, I hear you all the way. My DH, who is Army, is the same way as yours. I'm always shocked when something like this happens that I just don't know what to do or say. I freeze and have a half smile half grimace on my face. However, if anyone comes near my kids, watch out. I'm not sure why that same instinct doesn't kick in when its just me. I had a drunk Japanese man follow me to my car one night. I quickly got in my car and sped away. I do, however, always look perpetually pissed off when I'm in crowds, on the metro, etc. This keeps weirdos away. BTW, I am guessing your C9BL, and very rarely ride the metro. |
Anonymous
doesn't work well around here I've tried it, and several people have come back talking to me in Spanish, Italian, Green, and Farsi. Yes, I am olive complected and are often mistaken for some other culture. |
Anonymous
Jeez, am I that transparent? I was on the way to interview a midwife. At least my decision just became easier--I'm going with the more expensive one who does all my care in my home! But I take the kids in for field trips a fair amount, so these are good lessons to learn. |
Anonymous
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Ladies!!
I have only one piece of advice. Please, please, please do not let some man sit sit next to you on a mostly empty metro train. Seriously, no good can come of this. If there is even one empty two-seater in the car, i will sit with a bag on the chair next to me or diagnally with my legs across the space next to me. This way no one can sit down without me moving. You can't avoid weirdos so well on full trains, but really, on a mostly empty train and someone wants to sit next to you and pin you in? Please exercise common sense and do not allow yourself to be put in that position. OP- I also do not think you should beat yourself up, but do you think you can change? You do not need to respond to men's comments to you or forced conversation. I can tell you that if a guy on the metro commented on my apperence and then came over to sit next to me, my heart would have jumped and i would have been standing up to move out of the seat before he could sit down. i am just that way. Unlike some women i do not think escalating a situation (unless that is your last resort) is necesarily a good idea. But walk away. You are under no obligation to chit chat with strangers. And i think it is probably very true that any man wanting to talk is interested (whether in a good/benign or creepy way) you are a married, pregnant woman. Just walk away, no explanations necessary. |
Anonymous
Good luck with the midwife! I had assumed you would already know one in the area! lol I am not good about picking people out on this forum, but you resonate with me... From other posts we know 1. Hubby is military. 2. 8 kids. 3. One on the way... So it was an easy assumption form your very first post. Also 4. You genuinely seem nice. I also think your the Catholic on the Catholic looking for a good denomination thread, asking about Episcopalians. My DH is military, I'm a recovering Catholic (Episcopalian), only 2 kids. We both really love our DHs, and have great hubbies who care deeply for us. A few months back, I was the one that got you on a relationship thread about how much we love our DHs. You write very passionately. I don't articulate my feelings as well as you. I think if we were neighbors we'd be drinking coffee (or whatever your drink is) together while the kids ran around and played. I think you live pretty far from DC though if I remember correctly. |
Anonymous
ack! Greek! as I don't believe there is an eco-friendly language!
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