Very creepy Metro story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Gift of Fear, my friends. GIFT OF FEAR.

YES! Read it, OP.

I agree with this. OP, you sound a little naive, and I honestly don't mean that in a mean or condescending way. You probably just don't see the "creepy" in people, until it goes too far. You're probably a naturally friendly person and assume most others have the same intentions. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. You don't have to lose your sweet side, but you should learn to be a little more protective and assertive. The Gift of Fear is a great book and may help you develop a better radar for creeps and potentially dangerous situations.

And yes, there's some weird stuff that goes down on Metro. http://unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com/

[Anonymous]

OP, I was you. Blonde and petite like PP. Amazing phone voice, so I was repeatedly (repeatedly!) told. I was used to being "watched out for". Change your perspective. You are no longer surrounded by nice, well meaning people. Assume everyone wants something here. Act like they want something. Avoid them. It is okay to be rude. You have gotten some great advice here. Use it.

You may want to take a self defense class, seriously. Why not? It will teach you the basics. One thing I disagree with is I would not be entirely oblivious to your surroundings. Especially at night. Bad idea. Just don't engage. Easy. Don't engage. Remember that.

Do not play with your hair in public. If you have long hair, keep it back and out of the way. No ponytails (too easy to grab, God forbid). No jewelry, no valuables, no purse. Keep everything in a backpack and close it. Looks like you are more poor than you are - which is what you want in the city! Same with travel, BTW. Maybe a book - NO ereaders, no laptops, no ipods, no iphones. No heels. Long sweater - cover up! Think target, do not make yourself a target. Stay. With. People. Always.

Have your phone ready to use, easily accessible, just not out in the open. I had to learn the hard way. People are less willing to share and would rather see the next guy get hit than them.

Welcome to D.C. Hope your stay is short enough to not change you into nasty permanently. Somehow I really want to believe most peple were much nicer before they arrived

[Anonymous]

OP, haven't read all the other posts. I'm sure someone has said this to you but I'll say it in case they haven't. This guy didn't want to read your normal indirect "polite" signals for setting boundaries. When this happens you have to stop acting like an airhead (your description) and stop making conversation. And if he doesn't get the message then, you have to be more direct and say "I don't feel like talking anymore." And if that doesn't work you have to say, "I want you to move now." Or just get off the train and get on the next car.

This happens to you because you are too worried about being "nice" and are unwilling to make it clear that you are not available for conversation or anything else!

Sorry you went through this. It sounds very unnerving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I readily admit I am absolutely incapable of being rude or stern or abrupt. I just freeze. My husband is always on my case about this, in many contexts. I wish I were different, but after years and years of trying, I just can't find a backbone. Also, I look very young, so I think that makes it even harder for me to be taken seriously.

I admire all you DC people who are so self-assured, but what strategies can you offer a meek Midwestern girl? I like the sunglasses at all hours thing. Sometimes I wear a scarf over my hair--that also seems to keep people away, somehow.

This isn't a DC thing. I grew up in a small town in Ohio and learned this stuff long ago. Since this is hard for you, my suggestion is that you start small. Maybe when someone starts talking to you, practice monosyllabic answers - like "oh." That way you've satisfied your overblown need to respond and "be nice" but you're also not engaging the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to imagine what it must be like to be a man. Do men ever get accosted by woman in the metro? I guess not. Men are really weird...

Man here. My theory:

The median woman has more neuroses and drama than the median man.

On the other hand, the most fucked up 10-15% of men are WAY more fucked up than the most fucked up 10-15% of women.

Warning - digression: Nah, I think the median man has just as many neuroses and just as much drama as the median woman but it's a different kind of neurosis/drama. My dh doesn't struggle with anxiety the way I do but he spends too much time bragging because he feels so insecure underneath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I actually think you're being too hard on yourself. I hear a lot of self- blame from you. Try to be kinder to yourself. I am sorry for your history of sexual assault. That must have been a very hard thing to overcome. It sounds like you are stronger than you think you are. In terms of situations where strange men are harassing you, I agree with PP's who have said you need to assess the situation. The important thing is to come away unhurt. Do whatever you need to to get away from the situation unharmed. If that means humoring someone until you can get off the train safely, so be it. If it means yelling and screaming, do that. It sounds like it depends on the situation. My general rule of thumb for the metro is don't make eye contact- seriously. If you do make eye contact, look pissed. It's a sad state ofthe world but I just treat all strange men in public (where I'm alone, or in a vulnerable situation etc.) as if they have bad intentions. It's just self preservation.

Yes,now that I have read OP's further description of the whole event, it's pretty clear that this guy is a master at manipulating and using people. Sounds like he has really honed his technique. Like pp said, don't be too hard on yourself, OP. You ran into a pro! Glad you eventually got away from him. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to imagine what it must be like to be a man. Do men ever get accosted by woman in the metro? I guess not. Men are really weird...

Man here. My theory:

The median woman has more neuroses and drama than the median man.

On the other hand, the most fucked up 10-15% of men are WAY more fucked up than the most fucked up 10-15% of women.

Warning - digression: Nah, I think the median man has just as many neuroses and just as much drama as the median woman but it's a different kind of neurosis/drama. My dh doesn't struggle with anxiety the way I do but he spends too much time bragging because he feels so insecure underneath.

Are you sure it is because he feels insecure underneath? There is a famous study where they asked people if they are in the top 50% of their field. 50% of women said "yes". 85% of men said "yes". This also goes with the previous poster who said that her husband's work prosecuting creeps find most actually convince themselves that the woman was enjoying it. (I've always wondered how men can be with prostitutes. Most woman would not enjoy at all being with somebody who was repulsed by them. but I guess men either don't care if their partner is disgusted by them or they convince themselves that the woman actually enjoys it even if you had to pay her to do it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to imagine what it must be like to be a man. Do men ever get accosted by woman in the metro? I guess not. Men are really weird...

Man here. My theory:

The median woman has more neuroses and drama than the median man.

On the other hand, the most fucked up 10-15% of men are WAY more fucked up than the most fucked up 10-15% of women.

Warning - digression: Nah, I think the median man has just as many neuroses and just as much drama as the median woman but it's a different kind of neurosis/drama. My dh doesn't struggle with anxiety the way I do but he spends too much time bragging because he feels so insecure underneath.

Are you sure it is because he feels insecure underneath? There is a famous study where they asked people if they are in the top 50% of their field. 50% of women said "yes". 85% of men said "yes". This also goes with the previous poster who said that her husband's work prosecuting creeps find most actually convince themselves that the woman was enjoying it. (I've always wondered how men can be with prostitutes. Most woman would not enjoy at all being with somebody who was repulsed by them. but I guess men either don't care if their partner is disgusted by them or they convince themselves that the woman actually enjoys it even if you had to pay her to do it)

Yes it is because he is insecure. (Believe me I know) And it's also because men are socialized to deal with insecurity by establishing their position in the social order publicly. If he were a woman, he'd probably try to be overly "nice" because of the powerful socialization we get to be nice girls. So it comes out different ways for different genders in part because of socialization but my point is, it's not that dh isn't as neurotic as I am - it's that it comes out in a different way which on its surface doesn't seem as neurotic.

But enough about me! Sorry for the digression, all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was you. Blonde and petite like PP. Amazing phone voice, so I was repeatedly (repeatedly!) told. I was used to being "watched out for". Change your perspective. You are no longer surrounded by nice, well meaning people. Assume everyone wants something here. Act like they want something. Avoid them. It is okay to be rude. You have gotten some great advice here. Use it.

You may want to take a self defense class, seriously. Why not? It will teach you the basics. One thing I disagree with is I would not be entirely oblivious to your surroundings. Especially at night. Bad idea. Just don't engage. Easy. Don't engage. Remember that.

Do not play with your hair in public. If you have long hair, keep it back and out of the way. No ponytails (too easy to grab, God forbid). No jewelry, no valuables, no purse. Keep everything in a backpack and close it. Looks like you are more poor than you are - which is what you want in the city! Same with travel, BTW. Maybe a book - NO ereaders, no laptops, no ipods, no iphones. No heels. Long sweater - cover up! Think target, do not make yourself a target. Stay. With. People. Always.

Have your phone ready to use, easily accessible, just not out in the open. I had to learn the hard way. People are less willing to share and would rather see the next guy get hit than them.

Welcome to D.C. Hope your stay is short enough to not change you into nasty permanently. Somehow I really want to believe most peple were much nicer before they arrived

This has not been my main experience of this area, at all. Don't ever carry a purse or wear jewelry? Never use any technology in public? Cover up? Don't wear heels?

That just sounds CRAZY to me, PP. I know there are a lot of people who do "want something" and who should be avoided, like you recommend, but walking about with this mindset governing all your interactions sounds HORRIBLE.

I am sorry for whatever happened you to make you think this is necessary, because I assure you, it is not.

[Anonymous]

What is C9BL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is C9BL?

Not what, who. A frequent poster who got this nickname from other users.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand women "know it alls" who blame this poor OP. Hey, I'm from Ohio and middle-aged. This stuff happens to me all of the time. I can be running across the street, walking very fast or whatever and creeps will find me. We Ohians are a friendly bunch. I don't know what else to say.

I couldn't find if OP said where she is from? Sometimes it is a curse to be approachable and friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
BTW, I am guessing your C9BL, and very rarely ride the metro.

Jeez, am I that transparent?

I was on the way to interview a midwife. At least my decision just became easier--I'm going with the more expensive one who does all my care in my home!

But I take the kids in for field trips a fair amount, so these are good lessons to learn.

Good luck with the midwife! I had assumed you would already know one in the area! lol

I am not good about picking people out on this forum, but you resonate with me... From other posts we know
1. Hubby is military.
2. 8 kids.
3. One on the way...

So it was an easy assumption form your very first post.

Also
4. You genuinely seem nice.

I also think your the Catholic on the Catholic looking for a good denomination thread, asking about Episcopalians.

My DH is military, I'm a recovering Catholic (Episcopalian), only 2 kids. We both really love our DHs, and have great hubbies who care deeply for us. A few months back, I was the one that got you on a relationship thread about how much we love our DHs. You write very passionately. I don't articulate my feelings as well as you. I think if we were neighbors we'd be drinking coffee (or whatever your drink is) together while the kids ran around and played. I think you live pretty far from DC though if I remember correctly.

Wow, PP, you do have me pegged, and I can see why...yep, I was the "prodigal daughter" on the other thread...hard to not stand out here, I guess, though there are plenty of people like me in this area, actually.

I was considering a different midwife because she would have been covered by insurance, but I'm happy with the one I have. There are so many wonderful midwives to choose from, thank goodness!

I'm not that far out...husband takes the VRE in...maybe our paths will cross and I can take you up on that chat...then my Midwestern charm would be an asset instead of a liability . But if not, pleasure to make your acquaintance, fellow military wife who loves her husband dearly!

Slipping back into anonymity of sorts,
C9BL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is C9BL?

Not what, who. A frequent poster who got this nickname from other users.

What's it stand for? (I also suck at deciphering vanity plates.) I always called her HSMOE, at least until recently, when she announced she was about to become HSMON.

Anyway, OP, I also had you pegged from your first post. You're a unique voice around here, and we love you for it. (By "we", I mean "I", and I assume that most right-thinking people agree with me. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is C9BL?

Not what, who. A frequent poster who got this nickname from other users.

What's it stand for? (I also suck at deciphering vanity plates.) I always called her HSMOE, at least until recently, when she announced she was about to become HSMON.

Anyway, OP, I also had you pegged from your first post. You're a unique voice around here, and we love you for it. (By "we", I mean "I", and I assume that most right-thinking people agree with me. )

Crazy 9 Baby Lady.

From the "happy marriage" thread.