Very creepy Metro story

[Anonymous]

But OP, you didn't freeze. You continued to engage him. That's not freezing.

You need to change your mindset. It most certainly is not "rude" to refuse to respond to someone who makes a completely inappropriate comment. Why would you think otherwise?

If this is happening to you in many different contexts, then maybe therapy would be in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I readily admit I am absolutely incapable of being rude or stern or abrupt. I just freeze. My husband is always on my case about this, in many contexts. I wish I were different, but after years and years of trying, I just can't find a backbone. Also, I look very young, so I think that makes it even harder for me to be taken seriously.

I admire all you DC people who are so self-assured, but what strategies can you offer a meek Midwestern girl? I like the sunglasses at all hours thing. Sometimes I wear a scarf over my hair--that also seems to keep people away, somehow.

20:45 here. I don't really know what advice to give. I'm a DC girl and I guess it just comes naturally to me. Don't look vulnerable. Don't hesitate. Know where you're going at all times. Don't have a dreamy smile or even a hospitable look on your face. Say what you need to say when someone's harassing you. They are strangers and you want them to get away from you. Indicate that in no uncertain terms. One time a creep was hassling me at the ATM. I snarled, "Back off, little man!" He did.

[Anonymous]

I am a small, petite blond. I also, in my 20s, didn't have the most self confidence in the world. That combo led to all kinds of weird men asking me questions and creeping me out. And I'm not talking attractive men hitting on me, I mean I attracted weirdos, on the metro, at a shop, wherever. I, like OP, couldn't be rude or abrupt. I always either gave up too much info about where I lived and worked, and sometimes I would lie just to avoid giving real info.

Flash forward to now - I'm 35, I'm a working mom, I have about 100x more self confidence, I'm cynical, and I don't have a lot of time to waste chatting it up with strangers. The result, I get a lot less creeps, and the ones that do still approach me, get laughed at. OP - next time this happens try this:

"I'm sure you are a super nice guy. But I'm WAY too cynical to be getting this personal with a strange man I've met on the metro/at Starbucks/etc. Have a lovely day." Abruptly pull out book, phone, whatever. You don't deserve this. You are letting this creepy guy have a sort of power over you. He is invading your time and space. If you were laughing it off I'd say I was being over-dramatic, but clearly it bothered you or you wouldn't be posting. Take control. You don't need to be giving these kinds of guys ANY info about your family or your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Gift of Fear, my friends. GIFT OF FEAR.

YES! Read it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a weirdo magnet. Something about you and the way you react and interact with these people encourages them. I know someone just like that who gets hassled all the time. She is polite and they mistake that for whatever it is that they are looking for. I think a lot of other people wouldn't put up with them or even acknowledge them. They are used to that kind of treatment so they think it is okay to keep doing what they are doing when you treat them respectfully. Remember it is better to be safe than a victim because you are polite.

I might have put this differently...but I think there is some truth to this. I am very standoffish with people who I get an inkling that they are veering towards "too familiar" with me. My BFF is polite to everyone and NEVER bitchy - she has a ton of connections, but with the good comes the bad, and she has had a few stalker situations - I do think its because she is welcoming to a fault - too trusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a small, petite blond. I also, in my 20s, didn't have the most self confidence in the world. That combo led to all kinds of weird men asking me questions and creeping me out. And I'm not talking attractive men hitting on me, I mean I attracted weirdos, on the metro, at a shop, wherever. I, like OP, couldn't be rude or abrupt. I always either gave up too much info about where I lived and worked, and sometimes I would lie just to avoid giving real info.

Flash forward to now - I'm 35, I'm a working mom, I have about 100x more self confidence, I'm cynical, and I don't have a lot of time to waste chatting it up with strangers. The result, I get a lot less creeps, and the ones that do still approach me, get laughed at. OP - next time this happens try this:

"I'm sure you are a super nice guy. But I'm WAY too cynical to be getting this personal with a strange man I've met on the metro/at Starbucks/etc. Have a lovely day." Abruptly pull out book, phone, whatever. You don't deserve this. You are letting this creepy guy have a sort of power over you. He is invading your time and space. If you were laughing it off I'd say I was being over-dramatic, but clearly it bothered you or you wouldn't be posting. Take control. You don't need to be giving these kinds of guys ANY info about your family or your life.

And just to add, I would only use this kind of line on a guy who is not quite pushing limits yet (ie, I would suggest abruptly walking away or another tactic for the Jon Benet magazine guy or someone whipping out his penis. I am just talking about guys who are a little too friendly and you want to cut off before the major red flags go up).

[Anonymous]

Creepy pervs are opportunists and pick out their victims.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. That would ruin my week and put a cloud over my commute for ages. You have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Prince of Petworth had an item today about a guy taking up-skirt video of a woman on a metro escalator. These are both important reminders to be aware of your surroundings, don't worry about being rude, and cultivate your outrage over pervs.

[Anonymous]

I'll bet you have a soft, high-pitched voice as well. Make your voice as man-ish as possible if you must speak to them at all. Pitch it low, but not in a sexy way. In a man-ish way. How you imagine a 50-year-old male wall street broker speaks. Men really really hate that. It really turns them off.

[Anonymous]

Cultivate a bitch-face.

Also, I tend to ignore most people who speak to me in public. In reality, I have severe hearing loss in one ear, and mild hearing loss in the other. I can barely hear when people speak to me if I'm not looking at them, especially on a noisy train, and especially when people mumble/have an accent. I've learned not to bother, and I really don't give a shit. People have only acted offended a couple of times, and I just point to my ear and shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I readily admit I am absolutely incapable of being rude or stern or abrupt. I just freeze. My husband is always on my case about this, in many contexts. I wish I were different, but after years and years of trying, I just can't find a backbone. Also, I look very young, so I think that makes it even harder for me to be taken seriously.

I admire all you DC people who are so self-assured, but what strategies can you offer a meek Midwestern girl? I like the sunglasses at all hours thing. Sometimes I wear a scarf over my hair--that also seems to keep people away, somehow.

Learn. Because you are teaching your daughters to be the same way and guess what happens when some perv starts chatting up your little girl - she talks him to be nice and polite and then god forbid he tries to do more than talk.

You just don't answer these kind of people. You do not need random strange men on the Metro to like your or think you are nice. You don't need them to care if you are rude or not. As soon as the guy commented about your hair, you should have shot him a dirty look and ignored him. If he didn't stop or moved close to you, get up and move and if no one else is no the train, get off at the next stop and wait for the next train.

[Anonymous]

OP here, to thank everyone for their advice. I feel like I am seeing the incident more clearly now. It's embarrassing to see how dumb I was about it. The whole time, I just thought, "This is not happening, there is no way this is real."

And one PP was right...I was sexually assaulted a long time ago, in high school, and again in college. I did a lot of therapy for that, and my loved ones are always telling me that I am still "too nice," and I let people walk all over me in all kinds of ways. It's a character flaw.

My oldest daughter is almost the age I was when I was first assaulted. I am glad to say that she is very self-confident, is advanced in MMA, and is a gifted rider. Her younger sisters take more after their mother, though, and I do want to be better for their sake.

I really am taking all this to heart. My kids deserve a mom with a spine. All advice noted--will check out that book, for sure.

[Anonymous]

PP here with the BFF who is too kind - Don't be harder on yourself than you are the random pervs! Good to examine your behavior and make changes, but no sense in beating yourself up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are definitely some creeps that use the metro as their "hunting ground", for lack of a better term.

I shared a while ago about how a guy sat next to me on the metro and several stops later began taking over my personal space which invetibly led to pinning me against the side of the railcar and rubbing my boobs with his elbow. I kept covering myself with my arm, trying to shift away, etc. He finally gave up several stops later when I roughly shoved him off. Like you, I look young, I don't like to mean or look like a bitch, and I froze. Hopefully if something like that happens again I won't freeze next time.

This same thing happened to me about 10 years ago.