I'm reconciling with my husband who had an affair. Honestly, what do you think about me?

[Anonymous]

OP, if my husband had an affair and I thought he was truly repentant, I would definitely try to work things out because I love him and our marriage is totally worth it.

How could I know enough about your marriage to judge you? Anyone who thinks they know your marriage better than you is naive. Who knows - maybe some of these people you think are judging you are actually going thru the same thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you call it an "affair", even if brief and sexual. That may not even be a correct description, because an affair implies some sort of connection other than sexual. What happens on business trip is just another one-night stand fueled by proximity and possibly alcohol.

And if so, in the mind of a man that type of experience ranks only slightly higher than masturbation. I'd think it is very silly to want to break up a marriage and a life with kids over something so trivial. I know it hurts to find out, but the truth probably is that the importance of you and that woman to your husband doesn't even belong on the same scale. If something like this happened to me, I would certainly be hurt and plan to inflict some pain on the husband, but I won't give up my life, which I like, because of this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you call it an "affair", even if brief and sexual. That may not even be a correct description, because an affair implies some sort of connection other than sexual. What happens on business trip is just another one-night stand fueled by proximity and possibly alcohol.

And if so, in the mind of a man that type of experience ranks only slightly higher than masturbation. I'd think it is very silly to want to break up a marriage and a life with kids over something so trivial. I know it hurts to find out, but the truth probably is that the importance of you and that woman to your husband doesn't even belong on the same scale. If something like this happened to me, I would certainly be hurt and plan to inflict some pain on the husband, but I won't give up my life, which I like, because of this nonsense.

This is OP and in a strange way, I want to thank you for this post because I think your thoughts are really really relevant to why I have decided to take this as a wake up call and try to work it out rather than leave immediately. It wasn't an "affair" - he was on a business trip in another country and a woman who had gone on the trip with them (she doesn't work there, but she'd been an acquaintence of ours for a while) invited him out to a bar (just him - not anyone else from the work group), so he went. They drank, she started into stories about how miserable she was with her husband and he listened and drank more. They ended up back in his hotel room and had sex. He freaked out the next morning. She called him again that afternoon asking to come over to talk. He said ok again and let her come up to his room (stupid!!!). She offered him sex again, he said no (sober now), and she left. And that was that.

DH and I have had loooooong talks about boundaries. You don't meet available women in a bar by yourself. You don't listen to attractive women's problems with their husbands. You don't get drunk with random women alone. Etc. But if I set aside my hurt about all this, I can see exactly how this happened. Not that I'm ok with it having happened and not that I will require a long long time to get back to a place of trust and to see some major changes in him, but not a breaking up my marriage to the father of my two kids type "affair." Thanks, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you call it an "affair", even if brief and sexual. That may not even be a correct description, because an affair implies some sort of connection other than sexual. What happens on business trip is just another one-night stand fueled by proximity and possibly alcohol.

And if so, in the mind of a man that type of experience ranks only slightly higher than masturbation. I'd think it is very silly to want to break up a marriage and a life with kids over something so trivial. I know it hurts to find out, but the truth probably is that the importance of you and that woman to your husband doesn't even belong on the same scale. If something like this happened to me, I would certainly be hurt and plan to inflict some pain on the husband, but I won't give up my life, which I like, because of this nonsense.

This is OP and in a strange way, I want to thank you for this post because I think your thoughts are really really relevant to why I have decided to take this as a wake up call and try to work it out rather than leave immediately. It wasn't an "affair" - he was on a business trip in another country and a woman who had gone on the trip with them (she doesn't work there, but she'd been an acquaintence of ours for a while) invited him out to a bar (just him - not anyone else from the work group), so he went. They drank, she started into stories about how miserable she was with her husband and he listened and drank more. They ended up back in his hotel room and had sex. He freaked out the next morning. She called him again that afternoon asking to come over to talk. He said ok again and let her come up to his room (stupid!!!). She offered him sex again, he said no (sober now), and she left. And that was that.

DH and I have had loooooong talks about boundaries. You don't meet available women in a bar by yourself. You don't listen to attractive women's problems with their husbands. You don't get drunk with random women alone. Etc. But if I set aside my hurt about all this, I can see exactly how this happened. Not that I'm ok with it having happened and not that I will require a long long time to get back to a place of trust and to see some major changes in him, but not a breaking up my marriage to the father of my two kids type "affair." Thanks, PP.

Well, you are so welcome. I'm the wife/nonwife poster, and as I said, wives don't overturn their world on account of penis receptacles. I think you are very smart and realistic to do what you do. Don't let people tell you are making a sacrifice or becoming a martyr; you are acting in your own best interest and interest of your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you call it an "affair", even if brief and sexual. That may not even be a correct description, because an affair implies some sort of connection other than sexual. What happens on business trip is just another one-night stand fueled by proximity and possibly alcohol.

And if so, in the mind of a man that type of experience ranks only slightly higher than masturbation. I'd think it is very silly to want to break up a marriage and a life with kids over something so trivial. I know it hurts to find out, but the truth probably is that the importance of you and that woman to your husband doesn't even belong on the same scale. If something like this happened to me, I would certainly be hurt and plan to inflict some pain on the husband, but I won't give up my life, which I like, because of this nonsense.

Ok sorry, but screwing another woman is NOT trivial in my book. You had me until you said that bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you call it an "affair", even if brief and sexual. That may not even be a correct description, because an affair implies some sort of connection other than sexual. What happens on business trip is just another one-night stand fueled by proximity and possibly alcohol.

And if so, in the mind of a man that type of experience ranks only slightly higher than masturbation. I'd think it is very silly to want to break up a marriage and a life with kids over something so trivial. I know it hurts to find out, but the truth probably is that the importance of you and that woman to your husband doesn't even belong on the same scale. If something like this happened to me, I would certainly be hurt and plan to inflict some pain on the husband, but I won't give up my life, which I like, because of this nonsense.

Ok sorry, but screwing another woman is NOT trivial in my book. You had me until you said that bullshit.

Not the person you quoted, but what she means is that it is trivial in the mind of the man - it means nothing to him - he is just fucking a hole. Now in most cases a man would stop and consider how his actions may impact his wife/partner/marriage but some dont, which is why you have one night stands with or without the immediate confession afterwards. It took lots and tears and conversation with my wayward DH to finally understand this point of view. Still dont condone it, but I now understand it.

[Anonymous]

OP, not knowing you, I cannot say what I think you should do. But, I feel that cheating is a deal breaker in a marriage. Once breached, there will always be doubts about fidelity.

[Anonymous]

I think you are strong And would advise you to keep both your heart and your eyes open. But ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Only you know what is right for you (individually and as a family).

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for pointing that out - it is definitely NOT trivial for me either and one of my "terms" for staying is that he understand and appreciate how not trivial this was to me, regardless of how he feels about it. I have told him that if he can't agree to that, then he can walk.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Just wanted to chime in to support you as well. In a way, I feel like that old saying, "Hate the sin, not the sinner," is somehwat relevant here. But it is key that he comes to hate the sin, too, and you absolutely should not be made to feel what happened was "no big deal." It WAS. It sounds like he is taking on the right steps and really trying. I wish your whole family the best, OP, but especially you. Strong, thoughtful women who want to do the right thing, and who try to find the line betweening doing the best for their kids and not losing themselves, need all the help they can get. It isn't easy. I also work fulltime and outearn my husband and have had other problems with my husband that I thought would end my marriage, so I;ve spent a lot of time hunting for that line, too. Things are better for me and us now, and I hope they will be for you, too, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP I would do the same thing you are doing. If he is a good father, divorce is going to severely harm your children. Not worth it over some dumb one night stand. Fidelity is important, but so is family. He is your family, warts and all, and he is the father of your children. He acted thoughtlessly and selfishly, but you need to think long and hard before you decide that means your kids need to grow up in a broken home. Frankly, I would judge a woman who iinsisted on divorce in a situation with kids after a one time infidelity as you described, not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, not knowing you, I cannot say what I think you should do. But, I feel that cheating is a deal breaker in a marriage. Once breached, there will always be doubts about fidelity.

I don't really care if my DH is 100% faithful. So long as he is in love with me and we share our future, our hopes and dreams. Really.