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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
I'm reconciling with my husband who had an affair. Honestly, what do you think about me?
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Anonymous
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II'd think, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, though I totally understand that wondering as just one more stress that comes with infidelity. What did you think of Hilary Clinton's decision? If you do stay, hold your head high and don't mind what others may think. Some will see you as strong and some as weak or foolish but so what?
There was infidelity in my marriage and we have now been in a very healthy place for years, but the first year was tough on both of us, and the anger and sense of betrayal needs a long time to be felt, expressed, and worked through. It was probably well over a year before we both reached a place of mutual forgiveness of each other and ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings. |
Anonymous
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I have a [I don't know what to call her... not quite a friend, but more than an acquaintance] whose husband cheated. It also involved a work environment, but worse because we all socialized and lived near each other too. I am talking everyone in the workplace... 50 people or so.
I don't know about everyone else's opinions, but I thought it was great that they were able to work things out between them and reconcile. They did not have kids at the time and, in fact, lost a pregnancy during this whole debacle. In my mind, I feel that the husband is truly repentant and will pay for this infidelity for the rest of his life, and the wife realized that this was a one-time thing and won't ever happen again and that he was a great husband otherwise. They now seem happy and have a 2 yr old. I hope that you continue counseling. Remember that your decision isn't permanent... you can always change your mind if you are unhappy with the way things are turning out. Keep open those lines of communication. Best of luck to you. |
TheManWithAUsername
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Member Offline
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Haven't read the other posts.
I think you're taking what you think to be the best course for now. I think this is one of the toughest things to judge from outside a relationship, so that I could never accurately judge unless I knew you both very well, and probably not even then. Hope it works out. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I found the online support here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php and the book The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis to be really helpful. It gave me ideas of what to DO to make things better. I tend to wallow in negative feelings and was getting overwhelmed obsessing about the affair and the relationship. A lot of that is normal but at times I felt like I was losing any perspective. A counselor told me to try to have scheduled times to really feel the feelings and to try to focus on other things ther rest of the day, otherwise it was getting to where I was anxious and could hardly function. YMMV. Anyway, this book was really helpful in knowing how to get to where I thought I wanted to be. I wasn't 100% committed all the time but I wanted to try in an effective way so I'd be the one with an option. I didn't want to feel like the affair was controlling things. Not sure if I'm saying that too clearly, was up much of the night with a sick toddler. Anyway, best to you OP. It's hard and was up and down for a very long time. Things are so much better now though, better than they were to start with. |
Anonymous
OP here - thank you so much for this. I 100% get what you're saying and I think in going through the same process. I keep hearing about couples who have gotten through this and come out stronger and I want to give myself (and my kids) the chance to have that so I am working really really hard. My husband is, I truly believe, totally committed to doing whatever he can to make this up to me and wants so much for this to work out. I actually like feeling like the ball's in my court and sometimes I feel like I can do this and love him again and have a mug stronger relationship than we ever had before and then a minte later I'm in an obsessively playing a mind movie of the minute he told me or of him having his one night stand or whatever and I'm sure I can never and will never forgive the betrayal and mostly never forgive the selfishness and lack of respect for my health and for everything we have worked for and for our children's well-being. Such an up and down. I will check out those resources - thank you so much. Any more details or advice you can offer when you have some toddler free time would be much appreciated 
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Anonymous
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Honestly, I'd probably wonder why you had such low self esteem to stay with him. I'd assume it was 100% for the kids. It would also probably depend if I worked with your husband or not - like what if people work with him, know about the affair, and see him being flirty (ie observe no change in behavior in him)? Then I'd just pity you.
On the other hand, if your husband left his job, so you no longer had to interact with a lot of the people who are constant reminders of this affair, it might get better. Because your humiliation IS a hurdle to full resolution here. Personally, I don't think I could leave my kids over an affair. I always said I would , but unless he'd promise me 100% custody, I couldn't do it. |
Anonymous
| OP is he still working with that woman he cheated with? Didnt it happen on a work trip? I hope he is NOT! |
Anonymous
| OP is he still working with the woman he cheated with? Didnt they cheat on a work trip. I hope he is NOT! |
Anonymous
| It's weird that the cheaters get rewarded for their bad behavior. |
Anonymous
| No, she doesn't work there (but he was on a work trip). He has had no contact with her since. He is actively trying to find a new job (one without travel) at my insistence. |
Anonymous
Ok I am glad to hear that! That would be a whole other issue for me if she still worked with him. I think you asking him to find another job without travel is good. It would help my peace of mind if it were me in your situation. Try to stay positive and enjoy your weekend! |
Anonymous
| What I thought would totally depend on what I knew of you and him. If I wasn't the least bit surprised he cheated, I feel bad for you but not that hopeful. If I were surprised and I thought you were both good people, I'd admire you and wish you well. |
Anonymous
| Dude where I worked was having an affair with a contractor. Whole office new. Chic told his wife and eventually management. They tried to work on the marriage. Chic was removed from contract....2 years later. He is still married, separated, and reconcilied with contractor chic. |
Anonymous
| I don't judge you. I would not be able to forgive him. But I have been married longer. If my DH pulled that crap right now, he would be on his own! When I was younger with small children, I would have had to think long and hard. |
Anonymous
| people give up on marriage too easily. good for you for trying to work things out. |