I'm reconciling with my husband who had an affair. Honestly, what do you think about me?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't think any less of you. But I look at these things differently from many other women. In my eyes marriage and sexual fidelity have little in common. Allow me to explain.

There are two kinds of women where I grew up: wives and non-wives. Women with self-respect are in the first group. They have husbands, families, children, houses, lives, bank accounts, social lives and statuses built around family, the whole bit. And a wife would think it very weird to want to throw it all away because her husband on occasion puts his penis into a non-wife. A wife would think it is very weird for the society to tell her she should want to throw it all away. For sure, if infidelity is found out, there will be tears and scandals and a bit of drama. But the husband's job description contains much much more than sexual fidelity, and people would look at how he does at other aspects of that job before sex. And after the drama goes away, the wife would think the following: "I've got the ring. I've got the children, the name, the respect, the house, the family. I'm the mother. I'm the Mrs. Who is she? An occasional penis receptacle. Yawn." This of course implies that the husband wants very much to keep the marriage and be a husband and a father and uphold the rest of his job description.

[Anonymous]

Hit submit too soon. For sure, this is the view people would think outdated these days and perhaps lacking in self-respect. But it really isn't. At the end of the day it is still true that men think of wives and non-wives in different terms. And occasional assignations with non-wives in no way threaten the position of wives. This is why even cheating husbands with no children often want to stay in their marriage, because a wife in the man's mind is different from a non-wife, and one does not leave a wife for a non-wife. I can certainly understand how it may sting to find out. But the important thing is this: you are the wife, the respected one. Isn't it better than non-wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hit submit too soon. For sure, this is the view people would think outdated these days and perhaps lacking in self-respect. But it really isn't. At the end of the day it is still true that men think of wives and non-wives in different terms. And occasional assignations with non-wives in no way threaten the position of wives. This is why even cheating husbands with no children often want to stay in their marriage, because a wife in the man's mind is different from a non-wife, and one does not leave a wife for a non-wife. I can certainly understand how it may sting to find out. But the important thing is this: you are the wife, the respected one. Isn't it better than non-wife?

Im really not sure how you can think that the wife who was chated on is respected in this situation. He cheated because he did or still does not respect her. Having an affair for whatever reason means you do not respect the person you cheated on. Plain and simple.

If being "respected" and "the wife" means that my husband can cheat on me....I would rather be a "non-wife".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't think any less of you. But I look at these things differently from many other women. In my eyes marriage and sexual fidelity have little in common. Allow me to explain.

There are two kinds of women where I grew up: wives and non-wives. Women with self-respect are in the first group. They have husbands, families, children, houses, lives, bank accounts, social lives and statuses built around family, the whole bit. And a wife would think it very weird to want to throw it all away because her husband on occasion puts his penis into a non-wife. A wife would think it is very weird for the society to tell her she should want to throw it all away. For sure, if infidelity is found out, there will be tears and scandals and a bit of drama. But the husband's job description contains much much more than sexual fidelity, and people would look at how he does at other aspects of that job before sex. And after the drama goes away, the wife would think the following: "I've got the ring. I've got the children, the name, the respect, the house, the family. I'm the mother. I'm the Mrs. Who is she? An occasional penis receptacle. Yawn." This of course implies that the husband wants very much to keep the marriage and be a husband and a father and uphold the rest of his job description.

What is your view of cheating wives?

[Anonymous]

"This is why even cheating husbands with no children often want to stay in their marriage, because a wife in the man's mind is different from a non-wife, and one does not leave a wife for a non-wife."

Paul Newman dumped his wife and kids for his mistress,whom he married. Newman later cheated on THAT wife.

There are many celeb and non-celeb examples of the same.

[Anonymous]

7:21 - I think you have a very simplified general view of why some affairs happen.

I actually do somewhat agree that (a la Dan Savage), a marriage should be defined by honesty or some other factor that is more important than simple fidelity. Look up his monogamish article (Times?) for more. Interesting stuff.

[Anonymous]

8:36 again - of course, monogamish works when the marriage partners have *agreed* to their terms. In OPs case, it sounds like they had agreed to fidelity as their terms and the husband broke that. Had they agreed to ONSs are ok as long as the other person knows, etc, then that would have been different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:21 - I think you have a very simplified general view of why some affairs happen.

Which is to say that there is so much more to even those affairs that happen because of the reasons you state. Not to mention all the affairs that don't have anything to do with your simplified scenario. I think you need to do a lot more critical thinking on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is why even cheating husbands with no children often want to stay in their marriage, because a wife in the man's mind is different from a non-wife, and one does not leave a wife for a non-wife."

Paul Newman dumped his wife and kids for his mistress,whom he married. Newman later cheated on THAT wife.

There are many celeb and non-celeb examples of the same.

And many, many more examples of men who have mistresses but don't leave marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:21 - I think you have a very simplified general view of why some affairs happen.

I actually do somewhat agree that (a la Dan Savage), a marriage should be defined by honesty or some other factor that is more important than simple fidelity. Look up his monogamish article (Times?) for more. Interesting stuff.

I have a view that affairs happen, and that they do not necessarily threaten the marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I admire you. It takes courage and love and selflessness to do what you are doing, and I applaud your efforts all the more because there are kids in the picture and in my view keeping them unscathed is far more important than the parents' feelings or egos.

I can't picture my DH cheating on me just based on his personality and behavior (he calls me just "to check in" far too frequently to have time!) but if he did, I'm sure I'd be shocked and angry for quite some time. However, he is such a good DH and dad in other respects that I can't imagine not working very hard to mend things.

Frankly, I'm not sure I'd be able to do it but I would still admire someone who stays married for the kids' sake in spite of repeated transgressions. Conversely, I would look down on someone who gives up instantly and breaks up the kids' home over a sexual transgression.

[Anonymous]

"Conversely, I would look down on someone who gives up instantly and breaks up the kids' home over a sexual transgression. "

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:21 - I think you have a very simplified general view of why some affairs happen.

I actually do somewhat agree that (a la Dan Savage), a marriage should be defined by honesty or some other factor that is more important than simple fidelity. Look up his monogamish article (Times?) for more. Interesting stuff.

I agree. We almost broke up because although I took a vow of fidelity, and believe in it as an ideal, it doesn't comport with my nature. I'm a wife.

[Anonymous]

There is the relationship part of marriage, and the household part of marriage. Actions that may threaten the relationship (cheating, sneaking around, etc.) need not threaten the household part of marriage. And, when you have kids, a home, etc., better to discuss those impulses and possibly partake responsibly than to deny they're even there. I wouldn't go as far as 7:21 in equating "staying with a cheating husband" with "self-respect," but (most of us) aren't 22 anymore and ready to throw a tantrum because DH (or DW) looked at some cutie.

[Anonymous]

I would side with whoever I liked more to begin with.