Forum Index
»
Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
I'm reconciling with my husband who had an affair. Honestly, what do you think about me?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
It was a thread from a month or so ago about the same exact situation but in the end she wrote back a couple weeks later saying they were reconciling and things were better. So I was just wondering. |
Anonymous
|
Before I was married and had kids, I would've said you were crazy. Now, I think I wouldn't be so quick to judge you but I would hope he's worth it! I think the circumstances of your friends knowing it would be really hard for me.
Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
|
BTDT. I think you are brave and you're a chicken. I think you are foolish and admirable for trying to save your family. I feel pity for you. I think he's a jackass. And I don't know why you'd stay with a jackass. I think it's none of my business. I don't give a crap. It's fascinating.
I wish you well. |
Anonymous
| I think you're crazy. But so what. We are all walking our own paths. Im not walking yours and you are not walking mine. When I was in law school I represented a barbie-doll gorgeous women in a lawsuit against an abusive and controlling husband as part of a legal aid clinic. Once she purchased a loaf of bread without his permission (three kids) and when he found out, he drove her back to the store and left her there overnight. I remember thinking that would NEVER happen to me. Ten years later...Im in a similar situation. Not that bad, but very similar. Everyone gets their share of something and you do what you have to do to get through it and move on. |
Anonymous
| I did post about a month ago, yes. It seemed to be going well for the first month. I think I was buoyed by his behavior change and his sincere remorse. He is still being great, but in the past week or so it's really hit me what he did. Knowing how I felt about affairs (in that I said I wouldn't tolerate it - yeah, easier said than done wth two little kids) and also knowing how flipped out I am by STDs and he still chose to have unprotected sex. I'm not sure I can get over that reckless disregard for our relationship and for my health. And for what? Im really struggling. Struggling with knowing getting over this is probably best for my kids. But what if I can't? What if I don't want to? |
Anonymous
| But that wasn't really my issue for this post. I just keep reading things that women say like "why is she still with him?" and "I can't believe she let's him cheat on her" etc etc. Wondering if that kind if stuff should bear any weight in my decision. I've said those things in the past too and I still truly believe that cheating is wrong and disrespectful. And here I am considering staying with someone who has cheated on me. |
Anonymous
|
OP, this is 23:17 from the other post. That tape in your head that keeps asking all these questions is your vulnerability and fear talking. It's insecurity - generated by real things, no doubt - but an emotional reaction none-the-less. It's not you being "dispassionate and realistic" even tho it may feel that way. Just the opposite. It's your heart freaking your head out.
It's still way too early for you to have any real sense of what you can and can't live with. There's still too much emotion getting in the way of your ability to make clear-headed decisions. So, when that tape goes off, just recognize that you're feeling vulnerable and scared. Talk about it with him. If you still feel like you can't shake these feelings in a year, after all the turmoil has had a chance to shake out, then you can make different decisions then. Staying now does not mean you are staying forever. It's safe to try. |
Anonymous
OP- I asked if you were the OP from the other thread. I am not in your shoes or anywhere near your position. I have to admit I think its so courageous that you even had the positive attitiude you did initially in your other thread. I would have said to myself if I were ijn your shoes "Im' done, screw you, get out, I wasnt a divorce," but then again, would I have? I think its hard for anyone to judge when you are not in that position. Please do not flame me, I also do not have kids so it would be a VERY different decision for me. Of course you still think cheating is wrong, I think most of us do. Thats not to say that yes people can screw up and learning forgiveness is one of the hardest lessons in life, especially in this kind of situation. Just by reading your posts it seems you are going through emotionally charged stages, which seem to be normal for this situation (eventhough I have not been there). Your initial post was anger, but then sadness, and then you "saw the light" and wanted to work it out, then you were excited when it seemed that things were getting better, and now you are doubtful and thinkinng it through again. I think this is totally normal so realize that you are not crazy and you are analyzing everything in order to process where you are and where you want to be. I think you said you were in conseling and I hope still are. Please bring up these things with your DH in counseling. There should be no secrets there and its a great place to get it all out. One thing I would like to say though, is please dont just stay with him because its "best" for the kids. That is so selfless that you would consider doing that for your children, but it will not help anything and it will just end up putting stress on you, your kids, and no one will be happy. Now I could completely be wrong about that, but you wont be happy and unless you are a really good actress or can swallow your feelings, I dont think it is beneficial to you to be miserable the rest of your life for your kids. They will be ok no matter what. You sound like a great mom and strong woman and I can only hope that things get better for you. Again, I am sorry I am not in your shoes but I wanted to reach out since I was reading your other thread and actually wondering about you the other day. |
Anonymous
| I'd think you were a SAHM or working very part time. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
I've been in your shoes. I'd give things a full year to settle out. Have you read "Not 'Just Friends'"? survivinginfidelity.com was a huge support to me. You are going through expected stages. Divorce will not keep you from being cheated on in the future and it brings a host of other problems, it's not a panecea. It takes time to reach equilibrium. Divorce will always be an option but if you want there to be a chance of building a stronger marriage you have to give it time. There is a guy in Georgetown who is supposed to be good at helping people work through affairs, you might be able to search for it or get info from a separate new post. All counselors are not equal when it comes to this stuff. Half of marriages have one partner commit infidelity, if you guys make it to a much better place people will consider you "lucky". People do stupid things. Part of forgiveness is trust that develops over time. In my situation DH claimed to cut off the affair but just went through the motions of making things better to appease his guilt. It sounds like you are in a better place. Give it time. Best to you OP. |
Anonymous
|
Thank you everyone. I have read Not Just Friends and it actually did help a lot. We are in counseling and DH has been great about it. He found th counselor and has been scheduling it and handling everything.
I think there is at least one more person posting about being cheated on because there have been many that aren't me. But it's been nice to read about how common this (I mean not nice, but good to know I'm not alone). I work full-time actually and make more than my husband by a bit. Maybe you're confusing me with another poster? |
Anonymous
| Oh nevermind, I get it. You're saying if you knew I was stating you'd think it was because I was dependent in him financially. Got it. Sorry for being dense! |
Anonymous
| I feel badly for saying this, but I'm going to answer your question honestly-not much. My BIL had an affair and my SIL took him back, and they have no kids. Everyone thinks they're a joke and no one takes their relationship seriously because we all think he'll do it again. I know that's just one situation, but it is what I automatically thought when I read your question. |
Anonymous
Not me, but I'd think that he was remorseful and that you loved him. A new relationship doesn't mean that you won't be cheated on and staying with DH doesn't mean that you will. survivinginfidelity.com is really good, you can communicate with others in the same situation. |
Anonymous
|
I'd think you realized life is not black and white. I thought that way for a very long time. As the child of a parent who got cheated on by my stepmother, both of whom I adored, I see how it takes both people to have the affair. I thought my dad was the victim for the longest time, but now I see he had his faults too. She was the one who crossed the line, for sure, but he broke marriage vows too, by failing to "love, comfort," etc. Your situation is unique and maybe you are 100% blameless. I give you the benefit of the doubt. But most relationships aren't black and white, with one villian and one angel. To be crystal clear: contributing to the vibe that makes an affair possible in no way assigns fault to you. It doesn't work like that.
I'd think you made a calculation to ensure the best interests of ALL involved, not just yourself. And I wouldn't judge you. I'd also think, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I'm outta here. |