People who can't handle as many kids as they have:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I LIKE to do it on my own. I don't think being self sufficient makes me "emotionally stunted." I'm just more male than female in this regard.

10:21 PP here -
I also LIKE to do it on my own. In fact, it is very difficult for me to accept any help at all, even when it is so readily offered by friends and family. However, I also love offering help and I dont think my liking to do it all on my own makes me any better than those I help. I am sure they could do it on their own as well as I could, but its nice to live in a world where help is not considered a burden or a weakness.

[Aimee4]

Anonymous wrote:9:53, I wish for friends like you. You make the world a better place.

I feel very fortunate when I read some of these threads. But it didn't happen overnight. I was new to the area, and another mom from the daycare invited a few of us over for a playdate. 2 of us came. And that's honestly how it started. Over the years, the playdate has grown from that first one of 3 moms and 5 kids to 8 moms and many many kids, we've gotten to know one another, and offer to help each other or ask each other for help. And its not that we *can't* do it on our own, but we truly enjoy helping each other and being helped, because we all have those days when nothing goes right. Honestly, adding another 4 yr old to my day doesn't change a whole lot. In some ways, it makes it easier since its a 'treat' for my son to have a friend over for the day and they play with each other. It's not that my time isn't "precious" but that adding a child doesn't take anything away, it usually enriches the day because its something different than the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you are just bitter because you haven't cultivated a network if mom friends who help & support each other?

Hmm. Perhaps you are on to something here.

I really just cannot believe the number of people on this and other similar threads today who consider helping others in times other than an emergency (egads!) an unreasonable thing to do. Y'all are very very sad people.

I admit I don't help my friends and neighbors with their kids. My time is just too precious.

I hope I don't live in your neighborhood.

Why? Do you need help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I LIKE to do it on my own. I don't think being self sufficient makes me "emotionally stunted." I'm just more male than female in this regard.

10:21 PP here -
I also LIKE to do it on my own. In fact, it is very difficult for me to accept any help at all, even when it is so readily offered by friends and family. However, I also love offering help and I dont think my liking to do it all on my own makes me any better than those I help. I am sure they could do it on their own as well as I could, but its nice to live in a world where help is not considered a burden or a weakness.

I like being self sufficient not because I think it makes me a better person, but because other people inevitably disappoint me and I hate being beholden to others to return the favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I LIKE to do it on my own. I don't think being self sufficient makes me "emotionally stunted." I'm just more male than female in this regard.

10:21 PP here -
I also LIKE to do it on my own. In fact, it is very difficult for me to accept any help at all, even when it is so readily offered by friends and family. However, I also love offering help and I dont think my liking to do it all on my own makes me any better than those I help. I am sure they could do it on their own as well as I could, but its nice to live in a world where help is not considered a burden or a weakness.

I like being self sufficient not because I think it makes me a better person, but because other people inevitably disappoint me and I hate being beholden to others to return the favor.

If you have the right type of social network, you wont feel beholden to return the favor. I am definitely more of the "helper" than the "helpee" in my group, but I think, and really hope, that no one feels beholden to me. We sometimes trade off babysitting, but thats the only thing that people really "trade" favors. Otherwise, its just whoever needs a hand, or even the offer of a hand.

People often do disappoint me also when I accept help, but its usually on a superficial level, i.e. someone offers to cook and then the fod isnt really that good. Thats more my fault for being so picky, than on them for disappointing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I LIKE to do it on my own. I don't think being self sufficient makes me "emotionally stunted." I'm just more male than female in this regard.

10:21 PP here -
I also LIKE to do it on my own. In fact, it is very difficult for me to accept any help at all, even when it is so readily offered by friends and family. However, I also love offering help and I dont think my liking to do it all on my own makes me any better than those I help. I am sure they could do it on their own as well as I could, but its nice to live in a world where help is not considered a burden or a weakness.

I like being self sufficient not because I think it makes me a better person, but because other people inevitably disappoint me and I hate being beholden to others to return the favor.

If you have the right type of social network, you wont feel beholden to return the favor. I am definitely more of the "helper" than the "helpee" in my group, but I think, and really hope, that no one feels beholden to me. We sometimes trade off babysitting, but thats the only thing that people really "trade" favors. Otherwise, its just whoever needs a hand, or even the offer of a hand.

People often do disappoint me also when I accept help, but its usually on a superficial level, i.e. someone offers to cook and then the fod isnt really that good. Thats more my fault for being so picky, than on them for disappointing me.

[Anonymous]

Do men care about this shit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My mother was like you. I remember when I was about 10yo I was wrapping a gift, and asked her to put her finger where I was tying the ribbon so that it wouldn't slip. She did so, but commented to me that I would need to figure out how to do this myself, because she wouldn't always be there to do things like this.

My mom never asked neighbors and family for help. We were expected to do it all. And we kids were expected to get with the program at very young ages.

I grew up with an overemphasis on self-sufficiency. As a result, I am an exceptionally self-sufficient, resourceful adult. On the other hand, I am not good at relationships; slow to trust others; limited in my ability to reach out to others for support; and in general, kind of emotionally stunted. "

Or, you would have been emotionally stunted no matter how you were raised.

"Stunted" is probably too strong. It would have been more accurate for me to say "emotionally limited" in my post.

RE your statement - I doubt it. My mother was, herself, an emotionally limited person. Children learn what they live, and I learned from her.

I think I'm doing a better job with my own kids, but it will likely take another generation or two to shake out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do men care about this shit?

Probably not. BTW, this talk to self-sufficiency/isolation being a male trait got a laugh out of me. My husband is the one who is always eager to accept help - not because he is lazy or cannot handle his kids but becasue he know that having other adults in our childrens' lives is only benefit them. I offer to help by neighbors all the time and readily accept help - I have no interest in living my life in isolation.

[Anonymous]

"People often do disappoint me also when I accept help, but its usually on a superficial level, i.e. someone offers to cook and then the fod isnt really that good. Thats more my fault for being so picky, than on them for disappointing me."

But now you're on to another thing - life is short, and if you're picky about what you eat, why wouldn't you just make it yourself rather than accept dinner from a friend? It may be worth the effort to you to be self sufficient in some regards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you are just bitter because you haven't cultivated a network if mom friends who help & support each other?

Hmm. Perhaps you are on to something here.

I really just cannot believe the number of people on this and other similar threads today who consider helping others in times other than an emergency (egads!) an unreasonable thing to do. Y'all are very very sad people.

I admit I don't help my friends and neighbors with their kids. My time is just too precious.

I hope I don't live in your neighborhood.

Why? Do you need help?

The point is that being part of a group or community that helps each other brings rewards other than just getting help. It's about connection to others. Problem is that in this area there is a lack of community in many places (not all, I know there are good communities, neighborhoods, etc). As the poster said, her time is too precious. One less of those people in my neighborhood improves the chances that someone who is helpful will live there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"People often do disappoint me also when I accept help, but its usually on a superficial level, i.e. someone offers to cook and then the fod isnt really that good. Thats more my fault for being so picky, than on them for disappointing me."

But now you're on to another thing - life is short, and if you're picky about what you eat, why wouldn't you just make it yourself rather than accept dinner from a friend? It may be worth the effort to you to be self sufficient in some regards.

If you read the entirety of my posts, you'd see that I rarely accept help and am usually the helper. However, there are times that I am overwhelmed with other things, such as the birth of a new baby or a sick parent, and when my friends offer help, I accept that offer, even if I might not like the food. That doesnt mean I am not self-sufficient, it means I understand prioritizing my personal taste with my ability to focus on more pressing matters.

[Anonymous]

not the bitter poster

But along the lines of a support group - I have plenty of friends who always offer to watch my kids so that I can do X or Y. But I rarely take them up on their offer.

I don't need the help b/c I, too, am very self-reliant and hate depending upon anyone really. So there are some of us who don't want the help b/c we have kids we can handle. I knew two was my limit - and more importantly, I set a limit for myself, which keeps me sane.

But when you are dying for extra help b/c you are stretched, then perhaps you do have too many kids to handle.

[Anonymous]

There is a big difference between "dying for extra help" and realizing that you dont need to be Supermom every day of your life. A happy middle exists where people help and accept help during more or less stressful times. This does not mean you cant handle your kids.

[Anonymous]

Agree, PP. But "dying for extra help" when you have a bunch of family members within walking distance of your own house? That's not "dying for extra help". I'm just thinking of a couple of examples I know offhand.