Cheap and stingy parents

[Anonymous]

For many people the *experience* of not having financial insecurity as they age and knowing that they are leaving a legacy is worth pre to them, *as an experience*, than whatever material experience they would have from increased spending/consumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this. The week after he died it was like my mom won the lottery. Brand new car (had never had one in her life), booked tons of travel, planned a big addition on her house. It’s gross.

What's gross about it?

She is right. He deprived his wife of a better life because he was so stingy. My dad is like this as well. As a son I find my dad's behavior gross and embarrassing. Thankfully we make enough to include my mom whenever we do nice stuff. But seriously she would have preferred if her husband did that instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

For all she knows, her MIL was the miser. I've seen that dynamic plenty.

The Boomer generation descended from the Greatest Generation, which experienced the Great Depression. They come by their frugality honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

That is not for her (or you) to decide.

No one is deciding anything. People have opinions. If other people's thoughts bother you this much, don't go looking for them on this thought-sharing website.

But it's OK to tell other people when their opinions are invalid. And OP's opinions and feelings are invalid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up thinking i was poor. Never went on a family vacation (though my mom drove us to see an aunt in another state a few times for "vacation"). There was no "back to school shopping" for new clothes - when I did get something new, I was told to leave it in the car and bring it inside when my dad was asleep. Never went to summer programs. Paid for some music lessons with birthday money. Started babysitting at 12 years old so I could buy my own clothes and shampoo.

It was a miserable childhood and it took years to get over my fear of spending money.

They were sitting on millions.

It was infuriating when I found out. F them.

Simmer down. Your anger is misplaced and your feelings are not valid. It's highly unlikely they had that money when you were a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My NW is $20million. I have trouble spending money, and only buy necessities. I wish I could but I can’t. Don’t be judgmental.

Being judgment is what we do here, pp. It's the entire reason DCUM exists. It's the business model: Provide a space for people to judge others anonymously, and rake in that sweet, sweet advertising revenue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just a vent to be honest.

the In-Laws live in a modest 55+ community and it took a lot of effort to get them to move about 5 years ago. It was great.
the old house was run down and needed to be updated.

The lived conservatively, nice cars but 10 years old, vacations but nothing flashy. we always worried that they would run out of money.
They wouldn't get a new dishwasher even though the last one was a POS. Mostly due to the FIL who ran the house.

FIL passes away and we find out they have $7mm investment account.

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

Some people enjoy their money more with it sitting in an account and growing. Don't put your values on other people; it doesn't help or even work.

OP Here -

I guess to respond to this (and the post above it with the same idea that not our business) -

It does impact us in the sense that we all are very busy and the FIL/MIL had demands on our time that we felt could have been outsourced.

We understand you dislike your in-laws, but, again, your feelings here are not valid. Just because YOU think their demands on your time could have been outsourced doesn't meak that's correct; in fact, it suggests you are uncaring and resentful.

But hey, the good news is you're going to come into some serious money pretty soon when the old lady kicks the bucket, right? I know you've had that thought. Maybe even wished for that to happen sooner rather than later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up thinking i was poor. Never went on a family vacation (though my mom drove us to see an aunt in another state a few times for "vacation"). There was no "back to school shopping" for new clothes - when I did get something new, I was told to leave it in the car and bring it inside when my dad was asleep. Never went to summer programs. Paid for some music lessons with birthday money. Started babysitting at 12 years old so I could buy my own clothes and shampoo.

It was a miserable childhood and it took years to get over my fear of spending money.

They were sitting on millions.

It was infuriating when I found out. F them.

Simmer down. Your anger is misplaced and your feelings are not valid. It's highly unlikely they had that money when you were a child.

I found out in my 20s, so it's not like they went from no money to millions between the time I left the house and when I found out.

Pretty rude to tell someone their feelings aren't valid. Have a great day, sunshine.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I don’t understand it either. I told my mom I’m going to spend her money on luxury travel and she said she hopes I do. But she doesn’t even have a cleaning lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just a vent to be honest.

the In-Laws live in a modest 55+ community and it took a lot of effort to get them to move about 5 years ago. It was great.
the old house was run down and needed to be updated.

The lived conservatively, nice cars but 10 years old, vacations but nothing flashy. we always worried that they would run out of money.
They wouldn't get a new dishwasher even though the last one was a POS. Mostly due to the FIL who ran the house.

FIL passes away and we find out they have $7mm investment account.

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

Some people enjoy their money more with it sitting in an account and growing. Don't put your values on other people; it doesn't help or even work.

OP Here -

I guess to respond to this (and the post above it with the same idea that not our business) -

It does impact us in the sense that we all are very busy and the FIL/MIL had demands on our time that we felt could have been outsourced.

We understand you dislike your in-laws, but, again, your feelings here are not valid. Just because YOU think their demands on your time could have been outsourced doesn't meak that's correct; in fact, it suggests you are uncaring and resentful.

But hey, the good news is you're going to come into some serious money pretty soon when the old lady kicks the bucket, right? I know you've had that thought. Maybe even wished for that to happen sooner rather than later?

the "demands on our time" is miniscule versus the bigger point of them saving their own time (cleaning lady as the perfect example).

why are you assuming that they will be passing the money down to us?

we are more well to do than they are and live below our means (i guess it's hard to completely shake off the stingy gene).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

For all she knows, her MIL was the miser. I've seen that dynamic plenty.

The Boomer generation descended from the Greatest Generation, which experienced the Great Depression. They come by their frugality honestly.

OP:
No, it was FIL. but it's not like the MIL will spend like crazy.

At this point, there probably isn't a way (outside of a major medical issue) for a person to spend the money.

but there are plenty of ways to make your life easier. a driver (there is a guy in their community who drives everyone, groceries, dinner, movies, essentially an on call uber but the same guy), housekeeper.
nurse/caretaker 2-3 hours a day. still hard to spend the $$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

Oh cmon. OP hates her in laws. You all do.

DP, what is wrong with you? Maybe you're just projecting because you hate your own inlaws?

Nope. Love mine, God rest their souls. Ironically, they lived a lot like OP’s and left each of their kids a million or so.

Oh, I see. Your good feelings toward your ILs apparently are due, in large part, to the inheritance they were able to leave as a result of their penny-pinching ways. How noble of you.

OP, on the other hand, is hoping her MIL spends her money without regard for any potential inheritance. But sure, *she's* the nasty one.

No, not at all. They were great people who were also very good with their money.

OP came on an anonymous forum to trash her in laws. That makes her the nasty one. Not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

Oh cmon. OP hates her in laws. You all do.

DP, what is wrong with you? Maybe you're just projecting because you hate your own inlaws?

Nope. Love mine, God rest their souls. Ironically, they lived a lot like OP’s and left each of their kids a million or so.

OP Here - I don't think they lived the way they did so they could hand money down. We and other sibling are financial well off.

Yea, well, so were/are we. Some people don’t like to spend money. No reason to trash them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

Oh cmon. OP hates her in laws. You all do.

DP, what is wrong with you? Maybe you're just projecting because you hate your own inlaws?

Nope. Love mine, God rest their souls. Ironically, they lived a lot like OP’s and left each of their kids a million or so.

Oh, I see. Your good feelings toward your ILs apparently are due, in large part, to the inheritance they were able to leave as a result of their penny-pinching ways. How noble of you.

OP, on the other hand, is hoping her MIL spends her money without regard for any potential inheritance. But sure, *she's* the nasty one.

No, not at all. They were great people who were also very good with their money.

OP came on an anonymous forum to trash her in laws. That makes her the nasty one. Not me.

I guess maybe it came across as trashing the in laws. that wasn't the intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

Oh cmon. OP hates her in laws. You all do.

DP, what is wrong with you? Maybe you're just projecting because you hate your own inlaws?

Nope. Love mine, God rest their souls. Ironically, they lived a lot like OP’s and left each of their kids a million or so.

OP Here - I don't think they lived the way they did so they could hand money down. We and other sibling are financial well off.

Yea, well, so were/are we. Some people don’t like to spend money. No reason to trash them.

where in the original post does it show "trashing them"?