Cheap and stingy parents

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You can look at this a couple of different ways. I think you have to take a generous view and think he was more concerned with making sure that his money would last his whole life and his wife would not want for anything after he passed than that he was cheap or stingy. Many older people keep using old appliances that aren't functioning at top performance because using something until it actually dies was just the way things went.

And those appliances will last longer than a new one purchased today, even if not at top performance.

Oh BS.

Not necessarily "BS." DP

Absolutely. My 6 year old Bosch dw died. When I asked the repair person what to buy instead he said 7 years is the life expectancy now.

When we bought and renovated our house, literally the only thing we kept was the refrigerator, which was old (perhaps ancient?) then. It was moved onto the basement, and we figured we'd have to replace it soon. Eleven years later, it is still running fine, and the "new" one is making all sorts of noises. It will likely have to be replaced soon. The light doesn't work in the old one, and some of the shelves are loose, and it's a side-by-side (terrible), but it keeps chugging along.

You know that light is easy to replace, right? You can do it yourself.

I've got plenty of projects on my list before fixing the light on the 30+ year old second refrigerator.

Fair enough. Wouldn't keep me from spending 5 seconds on replacing something that I use every day, but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this. The week after he died it was like my mom won the lottery. Brand new car (had never had one in her life), booked tons of travel, planned a big addition on her house. It’s gross.

OP Here - why gross?

OP here - was it the timing or the spending?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

DP. She said they were cheap and stingy because they lived a financially conservative lifestyle. Yes, that is nasty. I wonder what her DH thinks about that.

You are conveniently overlooking the following:

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

I did not overlook that. She judged them and labeled them stingy and cheap, frugality is hard-wired into their brains. She judged them without considering what they went through to get that 7million dollars. The money was spent on what they wanted to spend it on, not what OP thought her in-laws should have spent their money on. She never mentioned how long the in-laws have been financially secure. The stock market has been extremely resilient since 2013, so for all you know, the money accumulated in the last decade is due to the in-laws' frugality and ability to save. So much judging from OP and PP with so little information. For me, I am judging because OP started out talking poorly of her in-laws.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

Oh cmon. OP hates her in laws. You all do.

DP, what is wrong with you? Maybe you're just projecting because you hate your own inlaws?

Nope. Love mine, God rest their souls. Ironically, they lived a lot like OP’s and left each of their kids a million or so.

Oh, I see. Your good feelings toward your ILs apparently are due, in large part, to the inheritance they were able to leave as a result of their penny-pinching ways. How noble of you.

OP, on the other hand, is hoping her MIL spends her money without regard for any potential inheritance. But sure, *she's* the nasty one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can look at this a couple of different ways. I think you have to take a generous view and think he was more concerned with making sure that his money would last his whole life and his wife would not want for anything after he passed than that he was cheap or stingy. Many older people keep using old appliances that aren't functioning at top performance because using something until it actually dies was just the way things went.

OP here - yes that is how we are looking at it for a positive spin. the wife never worked and really didn't have the skills to do much (balance checkbook, take out garbage, etc). So he make sure there was enough money to have this all taken care of.

i guess the frustration was that he should have known we and the rest of the family had the means to make sure MIL was taken care of no matter what.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

OP here - the MIL never worked so maybe she didn't feel like she could have a strong enough say in how the money was or was not spent.

look she's 80 so she's not really going to be able to spend the money anyway. (outside of health care).

[Anonymous]

My NW is $20million. I have trouble spending money, and only buy necessities. I wish I could but I can’t. Don’t be judgmental.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:just a vent to be honest.

the In-Laws live in a modest 55+ community and it took a lot of effort to get them to move about 5 years ago. It was great.
the old house was run down and needed to be updated.

The lived conservatively, nice cars but 10 years old, vacations but nothing flashy. we always worried that they would run out of money.
They wouldn't get a new dishwasher even though the last one was a POS. Mostly due to the FIL who ran the house.

FIL passes away and we find out they have $7mm investment account.

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

Some people enjoy their money more with it sitting in an account and growing. Don't put your values on other people; it doesn't help or even work.

OP Here -

I guess to respond to this (and the post above it with the same idea that not our business) -

It does impact us in the sense that we all are very busy and the FIL/MIL had demands on our time that we felt could have been outsourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just a vent to be honest.

the In-Laws live in a modest 55+ community and it took a lot of effort to get them to move about 5 years ago. It was great.
the old house was run down and needed to be updated.

The lived conservatively, nice cars but 10 years old, vacations but nothing flashy. we always worried that they would run out of money.
They wouldn't get a new dishwasher even though the last one was a POS. Mostly due to the FIL who ran the house.

FIL passes away and we find out they have $7mm investment account.

Really wish they were able to enjoy the $$ and use the money to make their lives easier - getting a cleaning lady, other help around the house, nicer meals out.

hopefully the MIL decides to live life a bit easier but frugality is hard wired into their brains.

The bolded probably weighed heavily on them, and are you not glad that the burden of taking care of indigent parents did not fall upon your husband? I wonder if your in-laws grew up poor. I gotta admit, that I am somewhat like your in-laws. I grew up extremely poor wearing handmedowns, thrift store clothing and eating the big block of government cheese. Through hard work and some luck, I have what many wold call the American dream. I worry about running out of money all the time (the little girl in me) and it affects the way I refuse to spend money. Will I have enough for longterm care, if I live that long. Will I have enough to leave DC a decent inheritance. My DC does not have the mental money issues that I have because he has never been without. It is what it is, and if you have never been concerned about your next meal, bus fare, or even a good pair of shoes you have no clue of psychological issues that money has on the psyche longterm.

OP here - yes, they did and had a period with no job which weighted on them most likely. they did not pay for college, there was no money. so part of that is the reason.

but in the last 3 years when the health was declining, this was when to use the saved up money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the reason they have that $7 million is that they were frugal and they saved and invested.

They wouldn’t have that much if they had been spending extravagantly all those years- and then you’d be here complaining that you and your spouse would have to be financially responsible for your MIL.

Yeah, I'm sure Op would be complaining if her MIL has $5m in an investment account, and the tremendous financial burden that would have caused them. How dare her ILs spend that $2m on themselves?

Don't be dense, PP - OP isn't wishing that her ILs spent their last nickel, just that they enjoyed themselves a bit more, or made their lives a little easier, with some of that money.

OP Here - exactly, i mean it's pretty hard to spend $100k extra per year when your whole life you never did.

But a cleaning lady is $5-10k a year. They shouldn't be cleaning toilets at 75 years old.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

Oh cmon. OP hates her in laws. You all do.

OP Here - hopefully it's sarcasm!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

DP. She said they were cheap and stingy because they lived a financially conservative lifestyle. Yes, that is nasty. I wonder what her DH thinks about that.

OP here - he's in total agreement. If not more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it's any of your business OP. Are you worried your MIL was "forced" to live like that? I don't see where you come in the picture.

It's her family, that makes it her business.

And she's not telling anyone what to do, just expressing that it's too bad that her IL's frugality has led to them not enjoying their money, which I think is an empathetic take.

I understand because I have similar feelings about my MIL. My FIL was very controlling when he was alive and wouldn't allow them to do a lot of things they could afford to do. Now that he's gone MIL is doing some of those things but she also often expresses that she feels guilty when she does them, like she shouldn't be spending the money (HER money, fully half of it is from her pension and savings, she worked for 30 years). DH and I both strongly encourage her to spend it without guilt and remind her she deserves to enjoy her life. But it is sad to me that it's so hard for her to do so, in part because FIL really criticized/restricted spending money on anything that wasn't completely necessary, and she still lives in that shadow.

Yes it’s not “her” family. Very few of you on DCUM have earned the right to call your in laws “family.” You’re far too nasty towards them.

OP wishing her ILs had spent *more* of their own hard-earned money is now somehow nasty?

You're an idiot, PP.

Oh cmon. OP hates her in laws. You all do.

DP, what is wrong with you? Maybe you're just projecting because you hate your own inlaws?

Nope. Love mine, God rest their souls. Ironically, they lived a lot like OP’s and left each of their kids a million or so.

OP Here - I don't think they lived the way they did so they could hand money down. We and other sibling are financial well off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was like this. The week after he died it was like my mom won the lottery. Brand new car (had never had one in her life), booked tons of travel, planned a big addition on her house. It’s gross.

Gross that your mom is spending her money, or gross that her husband wouldn't allow her to spend their money while he was alive so that they could both enjoy things together?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My FIL is like this. He’s worth tens of millions and gets stressed if we don’t pull our credit card out super fast to pay for his meal at the McDonald's drive through. Refuses to pay someone to fix serious house problems like big leaks etc and makes us do it.

Obviously at this level and OP’s level it’s a psychological issue that isn’t going to be solved in their twilight years.

There's a huge difference between thrifty, which I think of as choosing not to spend your own money on yourself, and being cheap, which is burdening others.

Eating at McDonalds rather than the Inn at Little Washington is thrifty. Refusing to pay for yourself at McDonalds is cheap.
My grandparents wouldn't spend an unncessary penny on themselves but were extremely generous to friends and family. Would we have prefer to see them indulge themselves a little more? Yes. But they were adults who were perfectly able to make their own decisions.

I would not think of making my parents or grandparents pay for a Big Mac. And I definitely would not complain or make a big deal about buying gramps a McAdees meal. I would laugh about it with other family members in conversations about one of many of pops/gramps peculiarities.

The point wasn’t that we weren’t going to pay (believe me, we pay for a heck of a lot more for him than just McDonald’s hah), it’s that he gets extremely agitated when we don’t pull our card out basically immediately after we order and before we start driving to the window to pay. “Are you going to pay or what” type comments before we literally hit the gas. Completely inappropriate.

Like I said it’s psychological and we do laugh about it amongst ourselves.