Ex-gf reached out w nasty message

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

This is a lot of important detail to have totalling omitted in your original post.

However, in my experience relationships (and exes) like this don't just happen to people -- you contributed to and participate in the drama then and are probably doing the same now.

Why did you propose to someone who was mean, controlling, manipulative, and unkind to your kids? And stay with them for three years? And, according to you, also supported them financially. Those were your choices. I suspect you were a big part of this toxic dynamic, and likely still are.

Ok, so, now we are victim blaming. Good for you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

This is a lot of important detail to have totalling omitted in your original post.

However, in my experience relationships (and exes) like this don't just happen to people -- you contributed to and participate in the drama then and are probably doing the same now.

Why did you propose to someone who was mean, controlling, manipulative, and unkind to your kids? And stay with them for three years? And, according to you, also supported them financially. Those were your choices. I suspect you were a big part of this toxic dynamic, and likely still are.

Ok, so, now we are victim blaming. Good for you, PP.

Agency and individual responsibility for men, systemic bias and externalized responsibility for women. The usual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

This is a lot of important detail to have totalling omitted in your original post.

However, in my experience relationships (and exes) like this don't just happen to people -- you contributed to and participate in the drama then and are probably doing the same now.

Why did you propose to someone who was mean, controlling, manipulative, and unkind to your kids? And stay with them for three years? And, according to you, also supported them financially. Those were your choices. I suspect you were a big part of this toxic dynamic, and likely still are.

You're a piece of work. Even if what you say is true is only makes it more clear that op should not respond. It's better not to respond as too many people like you like drama. Any contact will spur them on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

This is a lot of important detail to have totalling omitted in your original post.

However, in my experience relationships (and exes) like this don't just happen to people -- you contributed to and participate in the drama then and are probably doing the same now.

Why did you propose to someone who was mean, controlling, manipulative, and unkind to your kids? And stay with them for three years? And, according to you, also supported them financially. Those were your choices. I suspect you were a big part of this toxic dynamic, and likely still are.

I agree with this. Something doesn't add up here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Yes, he should have. He needed to set the boundary. Silence doesn't communicate what people think it does. He thinks "oh I didn't respond, she will understand that means I have no interest." In reality, depending on her state of mind, she fills that silence with all kinds of things that might not be true. That was his opportunity to set the tone for their interactions by being polite and kind but also very clearly letting her know he wasn't interested in getting back together and was moving on.

It was cowardly not to just to respond that he is not interested but wishes her well. And if you care about someone enough to have an intimate relationship with them, you do actually have a moral obligation to at least acknowledge their existence in the future. You don't have to stay friends or entertain the idea that you'll get back together, but it's incredibly rude to simply act like they don't exist. And people in fragile emotional states tend to respond very poorly to ghosting.

Total bs. The boundry was set when he broke up with her. Silence communicates that he does not wish to engage. Ex GF should have respected that. THAT is what normal people do. You're just another lunatic who thinks the world owes you something like OP's ex.

He doesn’t owe her a response, it would just be a nice thing to do, given how long they’d been together.

+1, particularly since her message to him was kind. Three years is a long relationship, especially in your 40s. If they parted on cordial terms and their relationship wasn't drama-filled, her reaching out shouldn't have been seen as aggressive and a mature adult should be able to reply in a way that maintains the boundary while still being a human being.

I think it's weird to date someone for that length of time, break up, and then expect them to disappear from your life forever or to think total silence is appropriate. Unless something happened in their relationship or with their breakup that OP is not sharing, this strikes me as odd. I would be able to be friendly with any ex if I heard from them or saw them now, even though I'm now married and have no interest in getting back with any of them. I'd at least be able to ask them how they were and wish them well.

I disagree.

Many can still "be friends." Or whatever. But usually the healthiest thing is a clean break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Yes, he should have. He needed to set the boundary. Silence doesn't communicate what people think it does. He thinks "oh I didn't respond, she will understand that means I have no interest." In reality, depending on her state of mind, she fills that silence with all kinds of things that might not be true. That was his opportunity to set the tone for their interactions by being polite and kind but also very clearly letting her know he wasn't interested in getting back together and was moving on.

It was cowardly not to just to respond that he is not interested but wishes her well. And if you care about someone enough to have an intimate relationship with them, you do actually have a moral obligation to at least acknowledge their existence in the future. You don't have to stay friends or entertain the idea that you'll get back together, but it's incredibly rude to simply act like they don't exist. And people in fragile emotional states tend to respond very poorly to ghosting.

Total bs. The boundry was set when he broke up with her. Silence communicates that he does not wish to engage. Ex GF should have respected that. THAT is what normal people do. You're just another lunatic who thinks the world owes you something like OP's ex.

He doesn’t owe her a response, it would just be a nice thing to do, given how long they’d been together.

No, just no. Based on how she lashed out at him after not getting a response I would have done the same. He knows her better than you all. He doesn't want to engage with crazy and that's perfectly fine. Her massage wasn't nice. It's manipulation and scheming. She knows he is in a new relationship and completely disrespected that. She deserves nothing.

You sound crazy. Yes he knows her best and he said her message was nice. He also didn't describe any negative behavior from her except the nasty message and the fact that she's clearly stalking his GF's public social media. These are concerning but on their own tell me she's upset about the breakup, not that she's crazy, manipulative, or scheming.

I think it's strange OP didn't just send her a quick message to say he didn't want to get back together but wished her well. What happened between them that this didn't seem like an option to him? It's like bare minimum.

Yes, he did. The only reason you're saying all of this is because OP is a man. Be so for real.

Nope. I'm a woman and I'm saying this specifically because when I was young and immature (like early 20s) I did ghost exes or had this idea that after we broke up I never wanted to see or hear from them again. Now I'm older and a recognize that was a weird, emotionally immature response. If you have an intimate relationship with someone, it should be normal that you can interact with them in the future. Not be friends (I've never stayed friends with exes) but be pleasant.

If I was dating a guy who responded to his ex the way OP responded to his, I would wonder what went on in that relationship that there is so much drama and bad feelings like this. I don't think that's normal.

Newsflash, you don't owe anyone a lifetime of contact just because you were intimate with them at some point. This is not some 20 year old immature girl. This is a woman in her 40s who should not be reaching out to an ex who is in a new relationship, much less lashing out once she didn't get a response she wanted. Sounds like both of you have a lot more maturing to do.

+10000. The lady upthread who bragged about chewing out someone she dated in 1998 should show you this is the expectation of a crazy person.

+100

[Anonymous]

Yikes! Well, now you know why she’s been single this whole time. Sad for her but karma will continue to teach her without you having to lift a finger (I know you don’t plan to, just saying)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

This is a lot of important detail to have totalling omitted in your original post.

However, in my experience relationships (and exes) like this don't just happen to people -- you contributed to and participate in the drama then and are probably doing the same now.

Why did you propose to someone who was mean, controlling, manipulative, and unkind to your kids? And stay with them for three years? And, according to you, also supported them financially. Those were your choices. I suspect you were a big part of this toxic dynamic, and likely still are.

Ok, so, now we are victim blaming. Good for you, PP.

Agency and individual responsibility for men, systemic bias and externalized responsibility for women. The usual.

Oh look, there we are then. The misandrist troll is trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

This is a lot of important detail to have totalling omitted in your original post.

However, in my experience relationships (and exes) like this don't just happen to people -- you contributed to and participate in the drama then and are probably doing the same now.

Why did you propose to someone who was mean, controlling, manipulative, and unkind to your kids? And stay with them for three years? And, according to you, also supported them financially. Those were your choices. I suspect you were a big part of this toxic dynamic, and likely still are.

Stop victim blaming.

You are probably stalking ex boyfriends right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

Yeah—-she sent you the nice message to bait you into a response that would prove to her that you would in fact read it. Armed with that knowledge, she then took out her frustrations that her life is not going the way she wants in the form of words meant to harm or bother you. So she’s sitting there, satisfied that you likely read her words and that she likely got some reaction out of you, so you’re still thinking of her and she still owns a little piece of you blah blah🤮 Just never engage again. Done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

Yeah—-she sent you the nice message to bait you into a response that would prove to her that you would in fact read it. Armed with that knowledge, she then took out her frustrations that her life is not going the way she wants in the form of words meant to harm or bother you. So she’s sitting there, satisfied that you likely read her words and that she likely got some reaction out of you, so you’re still thinking of her and she still owns a little piece of you blah blah🤮 Just never engage again. Done

Doesn't look like OP responded. Very good self-control on his part and she would find ways to get more nasty in the future again so start blocking her everywhere else too. Narcissists don't need your energy to feel powerful. There are a bunch of narcissists that are women and Op's ex is one of them.

[Anonymous]

good for Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You probably mistreated her and the trip triggered her for whatever reason. She may also be soft in the head. Both can be true.
I just cursed out a 'boyfriend' of mine from year 1998. Back then I thought he was the nicest person. Now I see that this was not the case at all. Have had time to think about it all for sure.
Block her and stop putting your stuff out there.

Dayum!

[Anonymous]

OP likes the attention. For once, I wish an ex would moderately stalk me. When done, mine go cold turkey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP likes the attention. For once, I wish an ex would moderately stalk me. When done, mine go cold turkey.

who are you - men or women? How old?