Ex-gf reached out w nasty message

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Yes, he should have. He needed to set the boundary. Silence doesn't communicate what people think it does. He thinks "oh I didn't respond, she will understand that means I have no interest." In reality, depending on her state of mind, she fills that silence with all kinds of things that might not be true. That was his opportunity to set the tone for their interactions by being polite and kind but also very clearly letting her know he wasn't interested in getting back together and was moving on.

It was cowardly not to just to respond that he is not interested but wishes her well. And if you care about someone enough to have an intimate relationship with them, you do actually have a moral obligation to at least acknowledge their existence in the future. You don't have to stay friends or entertain the idea that you'll get back together, but it's incredibly rude to simply act like they don't exist. And people in fragile emotional states tend to respond very poorly to ghosting.

Not responding WAS the boundary.

In general (not specific to this situation, which I think is complicated) I think being totally non-responsive is a weak way to set a boundary. I've done it, sometimes it's all you feel capable of, but I know from experience that it can be misinterpreted and create communication issues. Especially if the person you are dealing with is not thinking clearly. It's very easy for someone to tell themselves stories, convince themselves they are true, and then start taking action based on a fiction. Like for example, someone like this might convince themselves that the new GF is preventing OP from responding, that the new GF is controlling and cruel and that secretly OP wants to be free of her and return to his ex. Yes, a total fantasy. But also one facilitated by the silence.

Whereas if you just respond and state clearly that you aren't interested, she still might invent a narrative but it's harder because she isn't working with total silence.

Some people need to affirmatively be reminded of reality. Refusing to engage can feel safer in the short term because it avoids an awkward exchange, but in the long run if you can figure out how to communicate stuff like that firmly without engaging in drama, it's better.

I know not everyone feels capable of that though.

NONE of what you said is OPs problem. He didn't owe her a response. Her reaction to his silence is completely on her. She needs to deal with it in therapy and stop expecting that the world will cater to her crazy, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would happen if instead of blocking and ghosting her, OP sent a nice message in response? I like being nice to people and would write a kind response saying a few good things about her (they dated for 3 years, so apparently there was something that OP really liked) and acknowledging that she and the relationship mattered a lot while it lasted but now is a new chapter of their lives and wish her well, etc. He is hurting her more by not responding.

I disagree. This ex is lashing out inappropriately. Doesn't make sense to reinforce that behavior with a nice response. She's just going to want more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Yes, he should have. He needed to set the boundary. Silence doesn't communicate what people think it does. He thinks "oh I didn't respond, she will understand that means I have no interest." In reality, depending on her state of mind, she fills that silence with all kinds of things that might not be true. That was his opportunity to set the tone for their interactions by being polite and kind but also very clearly letting her know he wasn't interested in getting back together and was moving on.

It was cowardly not to just to respond that he is not interested but wishes her well. And if you care about someone enough to have an intimate relationship with them, you do actually have a moral obligation to at least acknowledge their existence in the future. You don't have to stay friends or entertain the idea that you'll get back together, but it's incredibly rude to simply act like they don't exist. And people in fragile emotional states tend to respond very poorly to ghosting.

Total bs. The boundry was set when he broke up with her. Silence communicates that he does not wish to engage. Ex GF should have respected that. THAT is what normal people do. You're just another lunatic who thinks the world owes you something like OP's ex.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Yes, he should have. He needed to set the boundary. Silence doesn't communicate what people think it does. He thinks "oh I didn't respond, she will understand that means I have no interest." In reality, depending on her state of mind, she fills that silence with all kinds of things that might not be true. That was his opportunity to set the tone for their interactions by being polite and kind but also very clearly letting her know he wasn't interested in getting back together and was moving on.

It was cowardly not to just to respond that he is not interested but wishes her well. And if you care about someone enough to have an intimate relationship with them, you do actually have a moral obligation to at least acknowledge their existence in the future. You don't have to stay friends or entertain the idea that you'll get back together, but it's incredibly rude to simply act like they don't exist. And people in fragile emotional states tend to respond very poorly to ghosting.

Total bs. The boundry was set when he broke up with her. Silence communicates that he does not wish to engage. Ex GF should have respected that. THAT is what normal people do. You're just another lunatic who thinks the world owes you something like OP's ex.

He doesn’t owe her a response, it would just be a nice thing to do, given how long they’d been together.

No, just no. Based on how she lashed out at him after not getting a response I would have done the same. He knows her better than you all. He doesn't want to engage with crazy and that's perfectly fine. Her massage wasn't nice. It's manipulation and scheming. She knows he is in a new relationship and completely disrespected that. She deserves nothing.

You sound crazy. Yes he knows her best and he said her message was nice. He also didn't describe any negative behavior from her except the nasty message and the fact that she's clearly stalking his GF's public social media. These are concerning but on their own tell me she's upset about the breakup, not that she's crazy, manipulative, or scheming.

I think it's strange OP didn't just send her a quick message to say he didn't want to get back together but wished her well. What happened between them that this didn't seem like an option to him? It's like bare minimum.

How entitled! He no longer owes her the "bare minimum." They are broken up, so he doesn't owe her anything. She should leave him alone and allow him to move on with his life (this is the common advice on this forum when the genders are reversed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would happen if instead of blocking and ghosting her, OP sent a nice message in response? I like being nice to people and would write a kind response saying a few good things about her (they dated for 3 years, so apparently there was something that OP really liked) and acknowledging that she and the relationship mattered a lot while it lasted but now is a new chapter of their lives and wish her well, etc. He is hurting her more by not responding.

didn't OP say that she was abusive. Looks like she is playing games and not honoring boundaries. Probably same happned when they were together. Block, then report to police, then restraining order. That's how to deal with an abusive person.

[Anonymous]

Op's ex is a narcissist and this is what they do when they know that you have slipped from their hands. She is abusive too. Block, block and block. Do not enable her by engaging with her and that is the first rule to deal with a narcissist. Sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Yes, he should have. He needed to set the boundary. Silence doesn't communicate what people think it does. He thinks "oh I didn't respond, she will understand that means I have no interest." In reality, depending on her state of mind, she fills that silence with all kinds of things that might not be true. That was his opportunity to set the tone for their interactions by being polite and kind but also very clearly letting her know he wasn't interested in getting back together and was moving on.

It was cowardly not to just to respond that he is not interested but wishes her well. And if you care about someone enough to have an intimate relationship with them, you do actually have a moral obligation to at least acknowledge their existence in the future. You don't have to stay friends or entertain the idea that you'll get back together, but it's incredibly rude to simply act like they don't exist. And people in fragile emotional states tend to respond very poorly to ghosting.

My current boyfriend was dealing with a similiar issue. He actually did respond with a nice message back to his ex-girlfriend to let her know that he is dating again and wishes her well, but he does not want to remain in contact. She responded nicely back and then six months later, he received a scathing message. I think it is better to just leave things alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

You're doing the right thing and good for you for breaking up with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

Three years is a long time to stay in such a terrible relationship. Did this happen towards the end of the relationship or was it always like this? I wouldn't have stayed for three years. What a waste of time!

[Anonymous]

Women don't take rejection very well. You should arrange to have sex with your ex then claim she's a crazy nutcase if she reaches out to your gf again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Agreed. There are some nutty posters here who probably have a lot in common with op's ex. PP the op had no obligation to respond to his ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex's behavior is inappropriate and unhealthy but you are engaging in multiple behaviors that likely made it worse. It's fine to be unhappy with her for what she's doing, but you need to recognize what you are doing as well:

1) She sent you a nice message seeking to rekindle the relationship and you chose to ignore it. You needed to respond, state clearly and kindly that you were not interested in getting back together, and that you wished her well. This is what growtnups do.

2) At the point she sent you the mean message and it was clear she was stalking your new GF's socials, you should not only have blocked her on your socials but told your GF what happened and ask that she either not post photos of you or lock down any posts featuring you so they aren't public. Once your ex is in the habit of stalking her socials, every post of you will just feed it and the only way to break it is to give her nothing to see.

Again, the ex's behavior is totally wrong here, but this kind of thing happens. Many, many people have trouble dealing with rejection due to mental health issues. But bad social behavior (like ghosting and ignoring) combined with people being very public on their social media exacerbates this issue. You need to do what you can on your end to cool the situation off. You made this worse.

He ABSOLUTELY did not need to respond to the "nice" message. What is wrong with you?

Yes, he should have. He needed to set the boundary. Silence doesn't communicate what people think it does. He thinks "oh I didn't respond, she will understand that means I have no interest." In reality, depending on her state of mind, she fills that silence with all kinds of things that might not be true. That was his opportunity to set the tone for their interactions by being polite and kind but also very clearly letting her know he wasn't interested in getting back together and was moving on.

It was cowardly not to just to respond that he is not interested but wishes her well. And if you care about someone enough to have an intimate relationship with them, you do actually have a moral obligation to at least acknowledge their existence in the future. You don't have to stay friends or entertain the idea that you'll get back together, but it's incredibly rude to simply act like they don't exist. And people in fragile emotional states tend to respond very poorly to ghosting.

This is utter nonsense. You are a drama queen like the ex. There is nothing rude about avoiding interaction with an ex particularly a controlling, toxic ex as op described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Something about me and the relationship. I took care of most of the emotional, financial, physical and other needs. She wasn't nice to me and was mean, controlling, manipulative and also to my teenage kids sometime. I did propose her after 1.5 years and things were good but then they went downhill. She creates drama and I prefer peace and happy environment. I posted here to just vent. I know I am not responding to her because I don't want to be her punching bag of emotional outburst. I want nothing to do with her. I know she is panicking but it is her responsibility to manage her emotions. Me responding is going to just prolong this longer and not fair to my current gf.

This is a lot of important detail to have totalling omitted in your original post.

However, in my experience relationships (and exes) like this don't just happen to people -- you contributed to and participate in the drama then and are probably doing the same now.

Why did you propose to someone who was mean, controlling, manipulative, and unkind to your kids? And stay with them for three years? And, according to you, also supported them financially. Those were your choices. I suspect you were a big part of this toxic dynamic, and likely still are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will keep on harassing you if you don't block her here and there (and your new gf too) and I would suggest to make a short but frank message saying that it is over and that if she keeps on writing etc, you will report her to the police.

This is good.