Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In such cases, are there really no red flags that he is capable of such a thing?

Not necessarily.
It’s like a neglected garden with some weeds every year and then it takes over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I mean, that doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. Clearly there were cracks.

I know someone whose husband did the same thing but after the initial shock wore off I realized I wasn't actually that surprised - their marriage wasn't that great.

I'm sorry for your friend, that sounds awful, but if I had to list the people I'd expect something like this to happen to, it's all the ones where their marriages aren't very strong. Now, if it happened to some of my friends I would be jaw-on-the-floor shocked. But others? Sad, of course, but not all that surprised.

I think only a minority of people have GREAT marriages. Do you disagree PP?

DP. I made this observation to my friend recently. I think our current exposure to so much information is making people increasingly unsatisfied with marriages that would have been fine in any other point in human history.

I am single, and a senior citizen.

Over my lifetime it was far more common for me to leave a married couple grateful for my unmarried status, than it was for me to come away thinking how lucky a wife was to have the man she had married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I mean, that doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. Clearly there were cracks.

I know someone whose husband did the same thing but after the initial shock wore off I realized I wasn't actually that surprised - their marriage wasn't that great.

I'm sorry for your friend, that sounds awful, but if I had to list the people I'd expect something like this to happen to, it's all the ones where their marriages aren't very strong. Now, if it happened to some of my friends I would be jaw-on-the-floor shocked. But others? Sad, of course, but not all that surprised.

I think only a minority of people have GREAT marriages. Do you disagree PP?

DP. I made this observation to my friend recently. I think our current exposure to so much information is making people increasingly unsatisfied with marriages that would have been fine in any other point in human history.

A woman has to have a high-powered career, raise 3 kids, run a household and have her husband on a pedestal for daily worship. The slightest slip in any area and he’s entitled to seek his pleasure elsewhere.

Let me fix that post for you:

“The slightest slip anywhere and he THINKS he is entitled to seek his pleasure elsewhere.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I mean, that doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. Clearly there were cracks.

I know someone whose husband did the same thing but after the initial shock wore off I realized I wasn't actually that surprised - their marriage wasn't that great.

I'm sorry for your friend, that sounds awful, but if I had to list the people I'd expect something like this to happen to, it's all the ones where their marriages aren't very strong. Now, if it happened to some of my friends I would be jaw-on-the-floor shocked. But others? Sad, of course, but not all that surprised.

I think only a minority of people have GREAT marriages. Do you disagree PP?

DP. I made this observation to my friend recently. I think our current exposure to so much information is making people increasingly unsatisfied with marriages that would have been fine in any other point in human history.

A woman has to have a high-powered career, raise 3 kids, run a household and have her husband on a pedestal for daily worship. The slightest slip in any area and he’s entitled to seek his pleasure elsewhere.

Let me fix that post for you:

“The slightest slip anywhere and he THINKS he is entitled to seek his pleasure elsewhere.”

Imagine thinking you are winning and getting "pleasure" by signing up to start all over again with a second set of kids and going through all the things you were bitter about in your relationship with your first wife.

Why are men so dumb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It happens more often than you think .

+1

It even happens merely to avoid adult responsibilities- like having a wife, raising kids, maintaining a home.

Many would rather hit the Eject Button, than keep dropping the ball and getting reminded they’re a crappy spouse, parent and homeowner.

So they blame the wife and file for divorce. No other woman needed, at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is much much more common that he has an affair and does not leave. IME it's pretty uncommon that he actually up and leaves.

Naive “men” do this. He likely doesn’t know he’s going to get 50% custody, then walk that back. Or have to do something with the kids. He likely doesn’t know divorces take 6-24 mos in average, and can be very $$$ costly if you don’t mediate.

My friend’s husband, who was a work addict and couldn’t deal with family life, thought you could get divorced in one week!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men (and women) just pick stupid fights for years instead of admitting that they are unhappy and divorcing. At least he fessed up that he wants out. I dont see this as a huge tragedy, you see it to be.

This. Not a big deal. Not that uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would be interested to hear his side of the story

His side of the story is 100% selfish, flippant, and uninformed.

He doesn’t want married with kids life, this young woman is available, he doesn’t care to think it through, his divorced acquaintances look fine, so he’s doing it. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The marriage was at best on cruise control. Two big careers, three daughters and he may have felt like the odd man out. Daily he’s with a late 30s woman likely smart and attractive and he begins to see a happier path. Did your friend put all of her attention on her job and daughters?

Lol

Sounds like he was real marriage material and parent material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope she gets alimony for life. Hit him hard in the wallet. His children will lose respect for him and will hate his new lover. It won't last.

They are both lawyers. Alimony is not common unless there is a huge disparity in earnings.

[Anonymous]

Why is this surprising? When any married person on here writes about issues,the DCUM response is always "Get a divorce". Well, this guy is doing exactly that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In such cases, are there really no red flags that he is capable of such a thing?

You mean like an emotionless, self-centered, work centric dude who just swung by for family selfies and photos?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some men (and women) just pick stupid fights for years instead of admitting that they are unhappy and divorcing. At least he fessed up that he wants out. I dont see this as a huge tragedy, you see it to be.

You don’t think suddenly walking out on your wife and 3 teens for a much younger colleague is a big deal? It is a huge deal. Especially since he is probably going to go have more kids

OP I hope you encourage your friend to get every penny due to her and fight for whatever custody arrangement her kids want. It is not her job to meekly accept this.

It is.

But not for someone with no integrity or values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It happened to me. Very similar scenario. He decided he wanted out and left as soon as he told me. It was/is pretty terrible. I think it happens more than people think, but people don’t talk about it because there is often tremendous shame felt by the dumped spouse.

I’m terribly sorry for your friend. I hope she has a good lawyer.

I mean, don't people notice that you got divorced? Or you're saying that people don't know HOW it happened? What do you say, oh we just went our separate ways?

That’s exactly what Belle Burden’s husband wanted her to say, that the split was mutual and amicable. She refused.

Good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The marriage was at best on cruise control. Two big careers, three daughters and he may have felt like the odd man out. Daily he’s with a late 30s woman likely smart and attractive and he begins to see a happier path. Did your friend put all of her attention on her job and daughters?

At the risk of drawing ire- so much this.

Men are simple creatures. There is simply no way she didn't see her husband was unhappy with a 'ho hum' marriage. Did she try to keep him close, happy and loved? Or did she just let him drift away to another woman who was eager to sleep with him, see him smile, listen to his thoughts....

Maybe it was “ho hum” because he was a deadweight at home, with her, and with the kids.