Conversing with people who don't ask you questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a naturally curious person. I am terrible in these situations. I get asked all sorts of stuff and I tell folks and just don't reciprocate. It happened to me this weekend. Luckily the guy was great with cues as he actually volunteered where he lived or went to school, but it snapped me back into a more balanced conversation. Still embarrassing though.

I don't understand - if you are naturally curious, I would think you'd be asking tons of questions.

[Anonymous]

It’s simply bad manners. That’s all. If you’re raised well you are taught how to hold a conversation with someone.

Watch closely the people who don’t know how to have a conversation and you’ll notice the other bad manners they demonstrate.

I can sometimes identify someone as not having grown up wealthy by their conversation skills or lack thereof

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have depression and massive social anxiety and often feel like I live my days with a mask on in public. This creates an interesting mix of feeling like I’m not worth talking to because I’m so gray and boring, feeling both grateful and pathetic if someone shows a desire to engage with me, wanting to make a connection and talk, but constantly policing myself and analyzing how I’m coming off. So half the time I’m good at asking a lot of questions and the other half I’m like omg you loser you talked about yourself too much because you were so desperate to be in a conversation, never socialize again.

I come from a long line of similar people.

I’m sure you do better than you think. For example, you articulated something real and relatable right here.

Remember the voice in your head only knows how to say one thing -it’ll say it no matter the situation, even when it’s not true

[Anonymous]

Conversation is like a game of catch. You have to throw the ball back and forth. When I encounter people who are ball hogs, for example if I am seated next to someone like this at a dinner or stuck talking to them at a cocktail party, my lazy trick is to let them have the ball. I let them talk, I ask questions, and I kind of tune out. If they are such poor conversationalists that they never try to get to know me, I don’t want to waste my time telling them about myself anyways.

I’ll also note that 100% of the time, these people only talk about themselves or other people. They never talk about ideas or theories. People who talk about ideas and theories are more likely to be curious about your opinion. Those are my favorite conversations to have with people I don’t know well. They are rare, but so much fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s simply bad manners. That’s all. If you’re raised well you are taught how to hold a conversation with someone.

Watch closely the people who don’t know how to have a conversation and you’ll notice the other bad manners they demonstrate.

I can sometimes identify someone as not having grown up wealthy by their conversation skills or lack thereof

I'm op. I didn't grow up wealthy. I notice this tendency with people of a variety of backgrounds.

What are the wealthy taught about conversations, in your opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Conversation is like a game of catch. You have to throw the ball back and forth. When I encounter people who are ball hogs, for example if I am seated next to someone like this at a dinner or stuck talking to them at a cocktail party, my lazy trick is to let them have the ball. I let them talk, I ask questions, and I kind of tune out. If they are such poor conversationalists that they never try to get to know me, I don’t want to waste my time telling them about myself anyways.

I’ll also note that 100% of the time, these people only talk about themselves or other people. They never talk about ideas or theories. People who talk about ideas and theories are more likely to be curious about your opinion. Those are my favorite conversations to have with people I don’t know well. They are rare, but so much fun.

I love a good theoretical discussion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my absolute pet peeve. I have dropped a lot of these one sided friendships. They truly don’t care about you, especially if when you DO offer something about yourself they turn it back to them again.

+100
Very familiar with these relationships. One in particular, used to call me and talk forEVER about herself. Then she would suddenly have to go, without asking me one thing about me. Even when I could get a word in edgewise and volunteer something, she would totally disregard it and plow on with her own self-absorption. As I've gotten older, I've learned to quickly cut new acquaintances out if it's obvious this is their personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a naturally curious person. I am terrible in these situations. I get asked all sorts of stuff and I tell folks and just don't reciprocate. It happened to me this weekend. Luckily the guy was great with cues as he actually volunteered where he lived or went to school, but it snapped me back into a more balanced conversation. Still embarrassing though.

You don't realize that you're monopolizing the conversation by talking all about yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a colleague with whom I have worked closely for two years. She has NEVER asked a question about me, and will literally come find me in the morning and begin telling me what she did the night before, or what she is planning to do for the weekend, etc. I know all about her boyfriends (she is in an "open relationship" and sleeps with lots of men), her kids and their teacher issues and their horrible father, plus all the details about her divorce and ongoing feud with the ex-spouse.

My theory with these people is that they are deeply insecure because they probably can't udnerstand why they can't make or keep close friendships, which drives them to seek out other people to talk to even more desperately.

Why don’t you ever talk about your life? You just let her talk and when it’s your turn you don’t say anything?

I have a coworker like this. Any questions we ask her get one sentence answers. Very vague answers that don’t allow for any follow up. I’ve noticed no one talks to her now or asks her anything. All of us just assume she’s very private and doesn’t want to talk to us. Sometimes I try very hard and tell her a story about something she’s interested in, but still she doesn’t engage. (For instance about a book I read when I know she’s a big reader) She's a great coworker though.

I'm a DP, but would like to address this. I don't think you understand the kind of person being discussed here. This is a very narcissistic type. If i actually get an opportunity to say something about myself - which would generally involve interrupting - this person gets visibly annoyed. They don't like to take a break in their one-sided "conversation" to entertain anything the other person might have to say. It's just not important or relevant if it isn't about them. If I manage to get something in, they will look impatient and then continue with whatever they had been saying, totally ignoring the fact that I just spoke.

In short, this isn't not being able to keep up our end of the conversation. There *is* no "our end." It's entirely one-sided with one person talking AT you - about themselves.

[Anonymous]

I don't mind answering questions, but I feel like I'm being intrusive if I start asking people too questions about themselves. Obviously not in all situations. But I feel icky doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mind answering questions, but I feel like I'm being intrusive if I start asking people too questions about themselves. Obviously not in all situations. But I feel icky doing it.

But it can be generic, like "what's going on in your life these days?" It's not intrusive because it gives a wide range of options for people to answer.

I think what's missing in a lot of conversations is being really present. Sometimes people don't ask questions in return, or when they do, you can tell they're tuned out an be not really listening.

[Anonymous]

This is my sister. When she is in town we may get lunch and she will talk for 60+ min and not once ask about my kids. Not once. But she will spend 45 min of that time bragging on hers. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mind answering questions, but I feel like I'm being intrusive if I start asking people too questions about themselves. Obviously not in all situations. But I feel icky doing it.

But it can be generic, like "what's going on in your life these days?" It's not intrusive because it gives a wide range of options for people to answer.

I think what's missing in a lot of conversations is being really present. Sometimes people don't ask questions in return, or when they do, you can tell they're tuned out an be not really listening.

DP, but then you have to accept when I say "nothing much," because that's the truth other than medical things I don't want to discuss. Just let me pivot to the topic at hand without asking "oh come on, you must have something interesting going on this weekend? any travel plans?" etc etc.

[Anonymous]

The older I get, the more these one-sided conversationalists annoy me. I'd rather be by myself than waste time being their sounding board. One the other hand, I feel like I have trouble knowing when to talk in a conversation - the back and forth -when do I respond with a few sentences to what someone said, or do I keep listening? Does anyone have recommendations on 'how to be a good conversationalist'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older I get, the more these one-sided conversationalists annoy me. I'd rather be by myself than waste time being their sounding board. One the other hand, I feel like I have trouble knowing when to talk in a conversation - the back and forth -when do I respond with a few sentences to what someone said, or do I keep listening? Does anyone have recommendations on 'how to be a good conversationalist'?

Really listen
Smile and laugh when they’re trying to be funny
Ask questions and listen some more
Try to remember names and important stuff they told you about their kids etc

To your question, sharing a few relevant sentences about yourself would almost always be good, as a conversation is like a tennis game.