Conversing with people who don't ask you questions

[Anonymous]

If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

[Anonymous]

If it's a context where you have to forge these relationships, then yes you have to be proactive in volunteering stuff and keeping the conversation going.

If this is a friend context, I wouldn't really want to invest in someone who wants curious and interested in my life.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is my absolute pet peeve. I have dropped a lot of these one sided friendships. They truly don’t care about you, especially if when you DO offer something about yourself they turn it back to them again.

[Anonymous]

If I don’t care if we are close, I will just keep asking them questions to keep them talking until the interaction ends (on a plane, a cocktail party, whatever).

If I want to get closer to them, I might offer some info to facilitate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

OMG I could have written this post. I find people who don’t reciprocate questions so puzzling.

[Anonymous]

I am a naturally curious person. I am terrible in these situations. I get asked all sorts of stuff and I tell folks and just don't reciprocate. It happened to me this weekend. Luckily the guy was great with cues as he actually volunteered where he lived or went to school, but it snapped me back into a more balanced conversation. Still embarrassing though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my absolute pet peeve. I have dropped a lot of these one sided friendships. They truly don’t care about you, especially if when you DO offer something about yourself they turn it back to them again.

Yes! Some "friends" really want to be the focus and will take them information you provide and use it as a chance to say more about themselves. It is self absorbed behavior.

[Anonymous]

That's pretty much 95% of people I meet. In fact I was at a wedding not long ago and met a cousin's dh for the first time and he asked questions about me and I was so surprised. Nobody had done that in years and it made me emotional (not visibly) that someone would actually care. I had mom friends for years who did not know I worked, or where I came from or the most basic things.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question: I will sometimes volunteer info about myself to get them started, like lending a helping hand, but if they still don’t pick up I am also comfortable with long silences. I consider the ball to be in their court and it’s up to them to fill the silence or not.

[Anonymous]

I have a colleague with whom I have worked closely for two years. She has NEVER asked a question about me, and will literally come find me in the morning and begin telling me what she did the night before, or what she is planning to do for the weekend, etc. I know all about her boyfriends (she is in an "open relationship" and sleeps with lots of men), her kids and their teacher issues and their horrible father, plus all the details about her divorce and ongoing feud with the ex-spouse.

My theory with these people is that they are deeply insecure because they probably can't udnerstand why they can't make or keep close friendships, which drives them to seek out other people to talk to even more desperately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my absolute pet peeve. I have dropped a lot of these one sided friendships. They truly don’t care about you, especially if when you DO offer something about yourself they turn it back to them again.

This. They only care about what you supply them. They like that you listen when they complain, or are an ear for then to boast, etc.

[Anonymous]

How I grew up vs now, I think represents both sides of this. Growing-up, the approach of my family was more the-talking-stick. Someone had the floor, to speak. Has the attention of the group and said what they wanted others to know. Then, it's someone else's turn, they talk. Privacy was highly regarded. I guess, it was assumed if someone doesn't speak-up and share about themselves, it's because they prefer privacy. People didn't ask questions, generally.

Now, living my adult life, I've morphed into a different social creature. I'm uncomfortable and think less of people who do not appreciate the need for back-and-forth asking questions and sharing. If they talk about themselves and yet don't ask questions of me, I'm not likely to choose them for a friend

[Anonymous]

I am working through depression and trying to get back to socializing. I appreciate people who are good at talking and keep me in the conversation

You never know what is going with someone.

[Anonymous]

I try to avoid these people. Except some people with social anxiety who ramble, they don’t care. My DH is narcissistic and will not ask people questions or help facilitate a conversation.

[Anonymous]

I hate sharing about my life, so I would love if more people were like this. I would just respond with general comments about what they said, offer a personal experience of mine if I'm comfortable with it, or ease into a new subject.