Conversing with people who don't ask you questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate sharing about my life, so I would love if more people were like this. I would just respond with general comments about what they said, offer a personal experience of mine if I'm comfortable with it, or ease into a new subject.

Haha, same. I am very good about asking questions and thinking of follow up. I can carry a conversation about almost anything — I lived Cultural Literacy in high school. Well except sports, unfortunately— you need really team and player specific details to carry those conversations since many people follow very closely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my absolute pet peeve. I have dropped a lot of these one sided friendships. They truly don’t care about you, especially if when you DO offer something about yourself they turn it back to them again.

This. They only care about what you supply them. They like that you listen when they complain, or are an ear for then to boast, etc.

I've also dropped these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

OMG I could have written this post. I find people who don’t reciprocate questions so puzzling.

ME TOO! I hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate sharing about my life, so I would love if more people were like this. I would just respond with general comments about what they said, offer a personal experience of mine if I'm comfortable with it, or ease into a new subject.

As an introvert I much prefer listening, but I find that after a certain amount of time spent with someone if they have not had any curiosity about me then I feel used and not actually liked for me.

[Anonymous]

I think I was raised differently. I expect friends to tell me about their lives and stories. I won’t pry though.

I mean after I tell my story, it feels prying to ask “and did you ever have a similar experience you’d like to share?” I love listening though and I think I’m a good friend. I have lots of very close friends. I often offer up funny stories in the hopes that others will share too. So many people, especially at work, refuse to say anything that isn’t work related. I won’t ask personal questions though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a colleague with whom I have worked closely for two years. She has NEVER asked a question about me, and will literally come find me in the morning and begin telling me what she did the night before, or what she is planning to do for the weekend, etc. I know all about her boyfriends (she is in an "open relationship" and sleeps with lots of men), her kids and their teacher issues and their horrible father, plus all the details about her divorce and ongoing feud with the ex-spouse.

My theory with these people is that they are deeply insecure because they probably can't udnerstand why they can't make or keep close friendships, which drives them to seek out other people to talk to even more desperately.

Why don’t you ever talk about your life? You just let her talk and when it’s your turn you don’t say anything?

I have a coworker like this. Any questions we ask her get one sentence answers. Very vague answers that don’t allow for any follow up. I’ve noticed no one talks to her now or asks her anything. All of us just assume she’s very private and doesn’t want to talk to us. Sometimes I try very hard and tell her a story about something she’s interested in, but still she doesn’t engage. (For instance about a book I read when I know she’s a big reader) She's a great coworker though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

OMG I could have written this post. I find people who don’t reciprocate questions so puzzling.

+1 its like you're the only one holding up the whole conversation. I have a friend who never asks me anything it's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's pretty much 95% of people I meet. In fact I was at a wedding not long ago and met a cousin's dh for the first time and he asked questions about me and I was so surprised. Nobody had done that in years and it made me emotional (not visibly) that someone would actually care. I had mom friends for years who did not know I worked, or where I came from or the most basic things.

Same. Most people want to talk about themselves more than they want to learn about others. Conversations often involve one or more people offering up information about themselves rather than anyon asking each other questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a colleague with whom I have worked closely for two years. She has NEVER asked a question about me, and will literally come find me in the morning and begin telling me what she did the night before, or what she is planning to do for the weekend, etc. I know all about her boyfriends (she is in an "open relationship" and sleeps with lots of men), her kids and their teacher issues and their horrible father, plus all the details about her divorce and ongoing feud with the ex-spouse.

My theory with these people is that they are deeply insecure because they probably can't udnerstand why they can't make or keep close friendships, which drives them to seek out other people to talk to even more desperately.

Why don’t you ever talk about your life? You just let her talk and when it’s your turn you don’t say anything?

I have a coworker like this. Any questions we ask her get one sentence answers. Very vague answers that don’t allow for any follow up. I’ve noticed no one talks to her now or asks her anything. All of us just assume she’s very private and doesn’t want to talk to us. Sometimes I try very hard and tell her a story about something she’s interested in, but still she doesn’t engage. (For instance about a book I read when I know she’s a big reader) She's a great coworker though.

She can she right through this, and it comes across as obnoxious, very "I am going to make you talk to me!".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's pretty much 95% of people I meet. In fact I was at a wedding not long ago and met a cousin's dh for the first time and he asked questions about me and I was so surprised. Nobody had done that in years and it made me emotional (not visibly) that someone would actually care. I had mom friends for years who did not know I worked, or where I came from or the most basic things.

Something similar happened to me. I was at DH's family event an be there was a +1 I talked to almost the whole time because it was like a tennis game, back and forth questions and answers. With the rest of DH 's extended family the ball just rolls away.

[Anonymous]

I actually often enjoy talking to people who just talk and talk, and I often ask more questions. First, people sometimes reveal very interesting things that go beyond standard small talk. Second, it makes me realize how many people are walking around desperate to feel seen. I don’t mind playing that role in their life.

But I also know what it is and isn’t. Not all relationships are reciprocal. The trick is not hoping for more from people who for whatever reason can’t offer more.

Reciprocal relationships are actually kind of rare. I have a few, and honestly, a few real ones are enough. I try to make the other interactions as positive as possible on whatever terms happen to be there.

[Anonymous]

I always assume these people don’t like me and don’t want to talk to me.
Every conversation I’ve ever had with SIL is like this. I ask questions, she answers them, and then we sit in silence until I ask another question. It’s like pulling teeth and she clearly would prefer to sit in silence. But she has a big friend circle so I know she can’t be like this with everyone!
In short, I take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a colleague with whom I have worked closely for two years. She has NEVER asked a question about me, and will literally come find me in the morning and begin telling me what she did the night before, or what she is planning to do for the weekend, etc. I know all about her boyfriends (she is in an "open relationship" and sleeps with lots of men), her kids and their teacher issues and their horrible father, plus all the details about her divorce and ongoing feud with the ex-spouse.

My theory with these people is that they are deeply insecure because they probably can't udnerstand why they can't make or keep close friendships, which drives them to seek out other people to talk to even more desperately.

Why don’t you ever talk about your life? You just let her talk and when it’s your turn you don’t say anything?

I have a coworker like this. Any questions we ask her get one sentence answers. Very vague answers that don’t allow for any follow up. I’ve noticed no one talks to her now or asks her anything. All of us just assume she’s very private and doesn’t want to talk to us. Sometimes I try very hard and tell her a story about something she’s interested in, but still she doesn’t engage. (For instance about a book I read when I know she’s a big reader) She's a great coworker though.

Because I find her irritating and I have no interest in being her friend? We're colleagues. We have to communicate because we work together, and I wish this woman would just stick to work related necessities so that we could get things done faster. I have no desire at this point to engage with her beyond that.

She is well known at work for this (cornering somebody and just talking on and on about herself at the other person). She has no real friends at work, and this is why. I am sad for her that she does not have the self awareness to understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

OMG I could have written this post. I find people who don’t reciprocate questions so puzzling.

As a person who will definitely ask how are you back, I feel extremely uncomfortable asking personal questions. Perhaps it’s cultural but besides the normal questions, I rarely dig and and go beyond and get irritated when others make me feel like I’m in an interview by asking too many follow up questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're having a conversation with someone who doesn't ask you questions, are you supposed to just offer the information about yourself?

For example, we might be having a conversation where I ask some question.They talk for a while in response but then we get to that point of the conversation where they might turn it back saying, "How about you?," or "what's your experience?" they don't. And I tend to not volunteer personal information unsolicited but instead talk more generally about what they just told me.

It occurred to me that there's a lot of people I know a lot about who know basically nothing about me. Should I volunteer more? How?

OMG I could have written this post. I find people who don’t reciprocate questions so puzzling.

As a person who will definitely ask how are you back, I feel extremely uncomfortable asking personal questions. Perhaps it’s cultural but besides the normal questions, I rarely dig and and go beyond and get irritated when others make me feel like I’m in an interview by asking too many follow up questions.

I don't think you need to get too personal in a casual chat, but if it's starting to feel like an interview, you night need to try harder to ask open ended questions that will allow the other person to talk more.