My 22 Year Old Stepdaughter Lives at Home and I’m Unsure How to Handle Her Behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old were you when you became her stepmom? 20?

I’m 35, so I was 20 at the time. My husband was 36 then and is now 51. We have a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year-old son, and we’re expecting another boy in June.

So your judgment is worse than hers, lol.

I don’t think I have bad judgement. My husband is a great husband and an amazing father, I’ve never regretted marrying him. We were done at 2 kids, but he really wanted a third, so we did it.

Gross. You are completely disregarding that he had a kid, and he now has four, and is a total parenting fail by not only marrying a woman half his age when his kid needed him, but now neglecting his oldest and most important child.

He had two kids. Why should’ve that stopped us from having children together? Divorce happens, live moves on. He loves his children, and has never neglected them.

Please explain what he is doing about this situation with his daughter. She is behaving badly, and allowing her to be idle is harmful to her. As well as to you. What is this excellent, loving, non-neglectful father doing to intervene?

We’re trying to figure out what to to do about this situation together.

It's been AN ENTIRE YEAR and you're just now trying to figure out a solution? Come on. That is what neglect is! He's just let this ride for a full year?

She kept telling us that she’d go back to school next semester.

So you just took her word for it? Did your totally not-neglectful husband check to see if she was actually enrolled? Did either of you check that she had a place to live? Did either of you do anything at all to help her prepare? Or were you and your husband just ignoring the problem?

It's been at least two months since the spring semester started. What has your totally not-neglectful husband done in those two months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I’m pregnant after 15 years of being a stepmom, with my third child. -OP

Maybe she is just tired of babies being popped out into her space for the past 15 years?!

In that case she should be out of there ASAP, right?

Not necessarily.
She tried to move out but that didn’t help her heal.
She is now back and marking her territory, or what she perceives as such.
I think she is on a hunt for daddy approval but can’t find it (being good didn’t help - her stepmom kept having new babies; being with an older man also didn’t work out). Now she is back and is saying eff it!

[Anonymous]

OP, can't you see what a pickle you've gotten yourself into? Your DH sucks! He's neglected his daughter's mental health and development for a year now, placing the burden on you to cater to her. You're here asking for advice because your DH isn't stepping up to deal with HIS child. And now you're stuck with your little kids, with this neglectful parent and loser of a husband. You can tell us all day how wonderful your DH is, but the facts say otherwise.

You probably thought you were getting a great deal marrying a 35-year-old whose kids were soon to be out of the house. But oh how foolish and naive you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old were you when you became her stepmom? 20?

I’m 35, so I was 20 at the time. My husband was 36 then and is now 51. We have a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year-old son, and we’re expecting another boy in June.

So your judgment is worse than hers, lol.

I don’t think I have bad judgement. My husband is a great husband and an amazing father, I’ve never regretted marrying him. We were done at 2 kids, but he really wanted a third, so we did it.

Gross. You are completely disregarding that he had a kid, and he now has four, and is a total parenting fail by not only marrying a woman half his age when his kid needed him, but now neglecting his oldest and most important child.

He had two kids. Why should’ve that stopped us from having children together? Divorce happens, live moves on. He loves his children, and has never neglected them.

Please explain what he is doing about this situation with his daughter. She is behaving badly, and allowing her to be idle is harmful to her. As well as to you. What is this excellent, loving, non-neglectful father doing to intervene?

We’re trying to figure out what to to do about this situation together.

It's been AN ENTIRE YEAR and you're just now trying to figure out a solution? Come on. That is what neglect is! He's just let this ride for a full year?

She kept telling us that she’d go back to school next semester.

So you just took her word for it? Did your totally not-neglectful husband check to see if she was actually enrolled? Did either of you check that she had a place to live? Did either of you do anything at all to help her prepare? Or were you and your husband just ignoring the problem?

It's been at least two months since the spring semester started. What has your totally not-neglectful husband done in those two months?

My husband let her make her own choices and figure out what she wants to do, so we didn’t bug her about it. She wouldn’t actually enroll, and kept lying about it and pushing it off. What should’ve he done after that? He believes that she can learn from her mistakes.

[Anonymous]

That is neglect. Room board and drug money are not all it takes to parent.
I bet your little darlings get all sorts of treats and enrichment programs and teams don't they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old were you when you became her stepmom? 20?

I’m 35, so I was 20 at the time. My husband was 36 then and is now 51. We have a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year-old son, and we’re expecting another boy in June.

So your judgment is worse than hers, lol.

I don’t think I have bad judgement. My husband is a great husband and an amazing father, I’ve never regretted marrying him. We were done at 2 kids, but he really wanted a third, so we did it.

Gross. You are completely disregarding that he had a kid, and he now has four, and is a total parenting fail by not only marrying a woman half his age when his kid needed him, but now neglecting his oldest and most important child.

He had two kids. Why should’ve that stopped us from having children together? Divorce happens, live moves on. He loves his children, and has never neglected them.

Please explain what he is doing about this situation with his daughter. She is behaving badly, and allowing her to be idle is harmful to her. As well as to you. What is this excellent, loving, non-neglectful father doing to intervene?

We’re trying to figure out what to to do about this situation together.

It's been AN ENTIRE YEAR and you're just now trying to figure out a solution? Come on. That is what neglect is! He's just let this ride for a full year?

She kept telling us that she’d go back to school next semester.

So you just took her word for it? Did your totally not-neglectful husband check to see if she was actually enrolled? Did either of you check that she had a place to live? Did either of you do anything at all to help her prepare? Or were you and your husband just ignoring the problem?

It's been at least two months since the spring semester started. What has your totally not-neglectful husband done in those two months?

My husband let her make her own choices and figure out what she wants to do, so we didn’t bug her about it. She wouldn’t actually enroll, and kept lying about it and pushing it off. What should’ve he done after that? He believes that she can learn from her mistakes.

OMG, what an unsolvable conundrum! What could he possibly do other than continue to enable her idleness? Here's an idea-- make her get a job, and cut off all money to her until she does! Or make her enroll in community college. He could at least tell her she has to do her own laundry, FFS. He could insist that she goes to therapy, including going with her if necessary. He could stop taking her word for everything, stop believing her lies, and insist on seeing proof that she is doing what she is supposed to do.

I really am dismayed that two adults with soon to be five children between them can't figure out any intervention whatsoever. Are you this passive with all your kids? What she's learned from her mistakes is this: That you and your DH are pushovers and will bankroll her lifestyle forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you see what a pickle you've gotten yourself into? Your DH sucks! He's neglected his daughter's mental health and development for a year now, placing the burden on you to cater to her. You're here asking for advice because your DH isn't stepping up to deal with HIS child. And now you're stuck with your little kids, with this neglectful parent and loser of a husband. You can tell us all day how wonderful your DH is, but the facts say otherwise.

You probably thought you were getting a great deal marrying a 35-year-old whose kids were soon to be out of the house. But oh how foolish and naive you were.

I’m here asking for advice for my husband. Kids that have do not motivation, are hard to parent. He’s trying his best to figure this out. He’s always treated me and the children well, and we’ve never hard any issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you see what a pickle you've gotten yourself into? Your DH sucks! He's neglected his daughter's mental health and development for a year now, placing the burden on you to cater to her. You're here asking for advice because your DH isn't stepping up to deal with HIS child. And now you're stuck with your little kids, with this neglectful parent and loser of a husband. You can tell us all day how wonderful your DH is, but the facts say otherwise.

You probably thought you were getting a great deal marrying a 35-year-old whose kids were soon to be out of the house. But oh how foolish and naive you were.

I’m here asking for advice for my husband. Kids that have do not motivation, are hard to parent. He’s trying his best to figure this out. He’s always treated me and the children well, and we’ve never hard any issues.

Except the issue that you are having now, and have been having for the last year! He is treating you badly right now through his passivity and his eagerness to burden you with his failure to launch child. Open your eyes! And he is not treating his daughter well! For several years she has been making bad choices and in a bad relationship and her father has done nothing about it. Is this how you would like him to treat your children as young adults?

What has your totally not neglectful husband DONE about this? What ACTIONS has he taken? Has he just been sitting around for a year saying "Oh no" and "Of course my wife will do your laundry" and "Here's some money and a phone and a car"?

[Anonymous]

Why are you having more kids when you can't actually raise successful ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old were you when you became her stepmom? 20?

I’m 35, so I was 20 at the time. My husband was 36 then and is now 51. We have a 10 year old daughter and a 7 year-old son, and we’re expecting another boy in June.

So your judgment is worse than hers, lol.

I don’t think I have bad judgement. My husband is a great husband and an amazing father, I’ve never regretted marrying him. We were done at 2 kids, but he really wanted a third, so we did it.

Gross. You are completely disregarding that he had a kid, and he now has four, and is a total parenting fail by not only marrying a woman half his age when his kid needed him, but now neglecting his oldest and most important child.

He had two kids. Why should’ve that stopped us from having children together? Divorce happens, live moves on. He loves his children, and has never neglected them.

Please explain what he is doing about this situation with his daughter. She is behaving badly, and allowing her to be idle is harmful to her. As well as to you. What is this excellent, loving, non-neglectful father doing to intervene?

We’re trying to figure out what to to do about this situation together.

It's been AN ENTIRE YEAR and you're just now trying to figure out a solution? Come on. That is what neglect is! He's just let this ride for a full year?

She kept telling us that she’d go back to school next semester.

So you just took her word for it? Did your totally not-neglectful husband check to see if she was actually enrolled? Did either of you check that she had a place to live? Did either of you do anything at all to help her prepare? Or were you and your husband just ignoring the problem?

It's been at least two months since the spring semester started. What has your totally not-neglectful husband done in those two months?

My husband let her make her own choices and figure out what she wants to do, so we didn’t bug her about it. She wouldn’t actually enroll, and kept lying about it and pushing it off. What should’ve he done after that? He believes that she can learn from her mistakes.

OMG, what an unsolvable conundrum! What could he possibly do other than continue to enable her idleness? Here's an idea-- make her get a job, and cut off all money to her until she does! Or make her enroll in community college. He could at least tell her she has to do her own laundry, FFS. He could insist that she goes to therapy, including going with her if necessary. He could stop taking her word for everything, stop believing her lies, and insist on seeing proof that she is doing what she is supposed to do.

I really am dismayed that two adults with soon to be five children between them can't figure out any intervention whatsoever. Are you this passive with all your kids? What she's learned from her mistakes is this: That you and your DH are pushovers and will bankroll her lifestyle forever.

I’m not responsible for my husbands parenting decisions. What should he do when she refuses to get a job or go to school? What do you want me do? And I’m not passive either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you see what a pickle you've gotten yourself into? Your DH sucks! He's neglected his daughter's mental health and development for a year now, placing the burden on you to cater to her. You're here asking for advice because your DH isn't stepping up to deal with HIS child. And now you're stuck with your little kids, with this neglectful parent and loser of a husband. You can tell us all day how wonderful your DH is, but the facts say otherwise.

You probably thought you were getting a great deal marrying a 35-year-old whose kids were soon to be out of the house. But oh how foolish and naive you were.

I’m here asking for advice for my husband. Kids that have do not motivation, are hard to parent. He’s trying his best to figure this out. He’s always treated me and the children well, and we’ve never hard any issues.

Except the issue that you are having now, and have been having for the last year! He is treating you badly right now through his passivity and his eagerness to burden you with his failure to launch child. Open your eyes! And he is not treating his daughter well! For several years she has been making bad choices and in a bad relationship and her father has done nothing about it. Is this how you would like him to treat your children as young adults?

What has your totally not neglectful husband DONE about this? What ACTIONS has he taken? Has he just been sitting around for a year saying "Oh no" and "Of course my wife will do your laundry" and "Here's some money and a phone and a car"?

I don’t feel like my stepdaughter living in our house is a burden on me. I just would like to encourage independence, and advice related to that is all I’m looking for.

[Anonymous]

Well, find her a room somewhere and move her and her stuff there and ignore her. There fify dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is neglect. Room board and drug money are not all it takes to parent.
I bet your little darlings get all sorts of treats and enrichment programs and teams don't they?

She’s an adult, it’s not neglect. Yes, of course my children have everything they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you having more kids when you can't actually raise successful ones?

Because we wanted kids. I wasn’t in charge of all my stepkids parenting, and she’s only 22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is neglect. Room board and drug money are not all it takes to parent.
I bet your little darlings get all sorts of treats and enrichment programs and teams don't they?

She’s an adult, it’s not neglect. Yes, of course my children have everything they need.

Oh FFS. You seem to think buying them everything you need is good parenting. But good parenting requires FAR more than that. Your stepdaughter needs boundaries. She needs accountability. Maybe she needs some tough love. She needs someone to help her get mental health treatment. Is she getting that from her father who supposedly is a good parent? No she is not. Would you want your DH to ignore your children's needs if they get in this kind of situation?