My 22 Year Old Stepdaughter Lives at Home and I’m Unsure How to Handle Her Behavior

[Anonymous]

My stepdaughter was an Applied Math major at a college in California and had always been smart and motivated in school—straight A’s, very focused, and completely on track. I’ve been her stepmom since she was 7 and she was always a well-liked, responsible kid and a strong student.

She started college full of excitement and energy. From the very beginning, she threw herself into her studies and campus life, consistently excelling in her classes and taking on opportunities to travel, work, and explore new experiences. Most of the time she only came home during breaks, and she always managed her independence responsibly. She had a clear sense of direction, stayed on top of her responsibilities, and impressed everyone with her focus and drive. Knowing how capable and self-sufficient she has always been, her current behavior at home is particularly surprising and hard to understand—it’s clear she can do better, which makes the situation even more confusing and frustrating.

During college she met a guy online. He’s 35 and works in finance. They talked for about 6 months. At the time, she told us the plan was to finish school and then possibly move to the East Coast after graduation to be with him.

Instead, right before her senior year she suddenly dropped out and moved across the country to live with him without telling us beforehand. We only found out after the fact. They lived together for about 7 months, then the relationship ended, and she moved back home last March. She’s now 22, almost 23.

Since she’s been back, she says she wants to finish her last year, but her behavior at home is… challenging. She has her own room and car—she actually crashed her old car a few months ago and now has a brand-new one. She sleeps late, often until 11 or 12, and stays up until around 2. Most of her day is spent on her phone, streaming shows, going out drinking, traveling, or partying. She has friends she hangs out with, and when she isn’t in a relationship she dates a lot. This socializing—partying, drinking, trips—is basically her day-to-day.

She doesn’t cook, clean, or help with anything around the house. I end up doing all the meals, laundry, and cleaning for her. She doesn’t help voluntarily and doesn’t respond well when asked to follow rules. When I ask her to do anything, she either ignores it, argues, or rolls her eyes. She eats all three meals at home, doesn’t have a job, and contributes nothing financially. With me being pregnant, the lack of contribution in other areas has started to feel even more stressful.

I feel like she’s completely unmotivated, almost lazy to the point where it’s affecting the household. She was always so driven academically, so this sudden drop in responsibility and motivation is shocking.

I know she’s an adult and I can’t make her go back to school, and I also recognize that as her stepmom I don’t have ultimate authority—she’s her own person. I’m just trying to figure out how to handle this situation and support her in a way that encourages responsibility. Is it worth trying to gently push her toward contributing and taking steps toward independence, or would that just make it worse?

[Anonymous]

Well, the obvious question is, what is her father doing about it?

[Anonymous]

This is her parents’ problem. Sorry she is in your living space, but you married her dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the obvious question is, what is her father doing about it?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter was an Applied Math major at a college in California and had always been smart and motivated in school—straight A’s, very focused, and completely on track. I’ve been her stepmom since she was 7 and she was always a well-liked, responsible kid and a strong student.

She started college full of excitement and energy. From the very beginning, she threw herself into her studies and campus life, consistently excelling in her classes and taking on opportunities to travel, work, and explore new experiences. Most of the time she only came home during breaks, and she always managed her independence responsibly. She had a clear sense of direction, stayed on top of her responsibilities, and impressed everyone with her focus and drive. Knowing how capable and self-sufficient she has always been, her current behavior at home is particularly surprising and hard to understand—it’s clear she can do better, which makes the situation even more confusing and frustrating.

During college she met a guy online. He’s 35 and works in finance. They talked for about 6 months. At the time, she told us the plan was to finish school and then possibly move to the East Coast after graduation to be with him.

Instead, right before her senior year she suddenly dropped out and moved across the country to live with him without telling us beforehand. We only found out after the fact. They lived together for about 7 months, then the relationship ended, and she moved back home last March. She’s now 22, almost 23.

Since she’s been back, she says she wants to finish her last year, but her behavior at home is… challenging. She has her own room and car—she actually crashed her old car a few months ago and now has a brand-new one. She sleeps late, often until 11 or 12, and stays up until around 2. Most of her day is spent on her phone, streaming shows, going out drinking, traveling, or partying. She has friends she hangs out with, and when she isn’t in a relationship she dates a lot. This socializing—partying, drinking, trips—is basically her day-to-day.

She doesn’t cook, clean, or help with anything around the house. I end up doing all the meals, laundry, and cleaning for her. She doesn’t help voluntarily and doesn’t respond well when asked to follow rules. When I ask her to do anything, she either ignores it, argues, or rolls her eyes. She eats all three meals at home, doesn’t have a job, and contributes nothing financially. With me being pregnant, the lack of contribution in other areas has started to feel even more stressful.

I feel like she’s completely unmotivated, almost lazy to the point where it’s affecting the household. She was always so driven academically, so this sudden drop in responsibility and motivation is shocking.

I know she’s an adult and I can’t make her go back to school, and I also recognize that as her stepmom I don’t have ultimate authority—she’s her own person. I’m just trying to figure out how to handle this situation and support her in a way that encourages responsibility. Is it worth trying to gently push her toward contributing and taking steps toward independence, or would that just make it worse?

Something really bad happened here. You're reasonably frustrated with the day to day, which is fair, but I would put money on her current partying, drinking, lack of motivation, and abrupt change on some kind of trauma from this period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter was an Applied Math major at a college in California and had always been smart and motivated in school—straight A’s, very focused, and completely on track. I’ve been her stepmom since she was 7 and she was always a well-liked, responsible kid and a strong student.

She started college full of excitement and energy. From the very beginning, she threw herself into her studies and campus life, consistently excelling in her classes and taking on opportunities to travel, work, and explore new experiences. Most of the time she only came home during breaks, and she always managed her independence responsibly. She had a clear sense of direction, stayed on top of her responsibilities, and impressed everyone with her focus and drive. Knowing how capable and self-sufficient she has always been, her current behavior at home is particularly surprising and hard to understand—it’s clear she can do better, which makes the situation even more confusing and frustrating.

During college she met a guy online. He’s 35 and works in finance. They talked for about 6 months. At the time, she told us the plan was to finish school and then possibly move to the East Coast after graduation to be with him.

Instead, right before her senior year she suddenly dropped out and moved across the country to live with him without telling us beforehand. We only found out after the fact. They lived together for about 7 months, then the relationship ended, and she moved back home last March. She’s now 22, almost 23.

Since she’s been back, she says she wants to finish her last year, but her behavior at home is… challenging. She has her own room and car—she actually crashed her old car a few months ago and now has a brand-new one. She sleeps late, often until 11 or 12, and stays up until around 2. Most of her day is spent on her phone, streaming shows, going out drinking, traveling, or partying. She has friends she hangs out with, and when she isn’t in a relationship she dates a lot. This socializing—partying, drinking, trips—is basically her day-to-day.

She doesn’t cook, clean, or help with anything around the house. I end up doing all the meals, laundry, and cleaning for her. She doesn’t help voluntarily and doesn’t respond well when asked to follow rules. When I ask her to do anything, she either ignores it, argues, or rolls her eyes. She eats all three meals at home, doesn’t have a job, and contributes nothing financially. With me being pregnant, the lack of contribution in other areas has started to feel even more stressful.

I feel like she’s completely unmotivated, almost lazy to the point where it’s affecting the household. She was always so driven academically, so this sudden drop in responsibility and motivation is shocking.

I know she’s an adult and I can’t make her go back to school, and I also recognize that as her stepmom I don’t have ultimate authority—she’s her own person. I’m just trying to figure out how to handle this situation and support her in a way that encourages responsibility. Is it worth trying to gently push her toward contributing and taking steps toward independence, or would that just make it worse?

Lots to unpack here.

Regarding you "cooking," and "cleaning," and doing "laundry" for her ... she's an adult. If you are cleaning for her, stop. If you are doing laundry for her, stop. If you are cooking "for her," then stop. If you are cooking dinner for you and your DH (or others in the family) and eating dinner together or something, it would be weird to leave her out and surely not all that much trouble to make extra.

As far as the rest of it goes, MYOB. You should even be "ask[ing] her to do anything" -- let her dad do that if it needs to be done, you aren't the parent. Even if you have done so in the past and it was fine, clearly it isn't fine now, and in no small part due to your attitude toward her. Your judgmental tone is over the top. And you are doing laundry for a 22 year old? Sounds like martyrdom to me -- like you are doing things so that you have standing to complain and attack. If you have a problem with her effect on the finances of your household, talk to DH about it.

Also, you have been her stepmom since she was seven ... so 15 years ... and you are now pregnant? Seems like a red flag for a troll post if you ask me...

[Anonymous]

The ages don't check out.

Unless OP also had a misspent 23 year old life.

[Anonymous]

Two months. She has two months to get a job or move out.

[Anonymous]

You are pregnant after being her stepmom for 15 years? I call TROLL

[Anonymous]

Yes, I’m pregnant after 15 years of being a stepmom, with my third child. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the obvious question is, what is her father doing about it?

He’s present, but he doesn’t know how to handle this either.

[Anonymous]

The laundry is the giveaway that this is a troll. That makes no sense. Why would OP be doing her laundry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter was an Applied Math major at a college in California and had always been smart and motivated in school—straight A’s, very focused, and completely on track. I’ve been her stepmom since she was 7 and she was always a well-liked, responsible kid and a strong student.

She started college full of excitement and energy. From the very beginning, she threw herself into her studies and campus life, consistently excelling in her classes and taking on opportunities to travel, work, and explore new experiences. Most of the time she only came home during breaks, and she always managed her independence responsibly. She had a clear sense of direction, stayed on top of her responsibilities, and impressed everyone with her focus and drive. Knowing how capable and self-sufficient she has always been, her current behavior at home is particularly surprising and hard to understand—it’s clear she can do better, which makes the situation even more confusing and frustrating.

During college she met a guy online. He’s 35 and works in finance. They talked for about 6 months. At the time, she told us the plan was to finish school and then possibly move to the East Coast after graduation to be with him.

Instead, right before her senior year she suddenly dropped out and moved across the country to live with him without telling us beforehand. We only found out after the fact. They lived together for about 7 months, then the relationship ended, and she moved back home last March. She’s now 22, almost 23.

Since she’s been back, she says she wants to finish her last year, but her behavior at home is… challenging. She has her own room and car—she actually crashed her old car a few months ago and now has a brand-new one. She sleeps late, often until 11 or 12, and stays up until around 2. Most of her day is spent on her phone, streaming shows, going out drinking, traveling, or partying. She has friends she hangs out with, and when she isn’t in a relationship she dates a lot. This socializing—partying, drinking, trips—is basically her day-to-day.

She doesn’t cook, clean, or help with anything around the house. I end up doing all the meals, laundry, and cleaning for her. She doesn’t help voluntarily and doesn’t respond well when asked to follow rules. When I ask her to do anything, she either ignores it, argues, or rolls her eyes. She eats all three meals at home, doesn’t have a job, and contributes nothing financially. With me being pregnant, the lack of contribution in other areas has started to feel even more stressful.

I feel like she’s completely unmotivated, almost lazy to the point where it’s affecting the household. She was always so driven academically, so this sudden drop in responsibility and motivation is shocking.

I know she’s an adult and I can’t make her go back to school, and I also recognize that as her stepmom I don’t have ultimate authority—she’s her own person. I’m just trying to figure out how to handle this situation and support her in a way that encourages responsibility. Is it worth trying to gently push her toward contributing and taking steps toward independence, or would that just make it worse?

Something really bad happened here. You're reasonably frustrated with the day to day, which is fair, but I would put money on her current partying, drinking, lack of motivation, and abrupt change on some kind of trauma from this period.

She said her boyfriend was controlling and emotionally abusive. Our attempts to get her to see a therapist haven’t been effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The laundry is the giveaway that this is a troll. That makes no sense. Why would OP be doing her laundry?

She’s very lazy, and didn’t do laundry even as a teen, so she’s gone back to that routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I’m pregnant after 15 years of being a stepmom, with my third child. -OP

Maybe she is just tired of babies being popped out into her space for the past 15 years?!