Daughter got suspended

[Anonymous]

Natural consequences work best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take away her phone and her school computer. She can sit in class without the computer and only use the school computer under parental supervision at home.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in emotional neglect where the adults didn't have much time for me and didn't really know me. OP, you need to be there for your daughter. Yes, what she did is completely unacceptable. But kids have no power. They react in the ways they can as a result. She had no power to stop her parents from arguing when she was younger. She had no power over your filing for divorce. She had no power to keep her dad from leaving. She had no power to keep him from remarrying. She had no power to keep him from giving her a stepmother. She had no power to keep them from giving her (multiple) stepsiblings. She had no power, because she has no real power. When people feel like they have no power in their own lives, they can act out in strange ways. You empower her by actually listening to her every day. Maybe stop relying on a therapist to figure it all out, figure her out? She needs you. This is a cry for help. Are her parents listening?

+1000

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She loses the phone all together

This. She’s shown you she’s not responsible with technology. If she “needs” one for afterschool activity/sports pickup, she gets a dirt cheap prepaid dumb phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You rescind her permission to use the school's tech, and make them teach.

🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are her new stepsiblings jerks?

I knew a reasonably woman who had two terrible children who remarried a guy who had three children (never met them). The kids had to live in the same house part-week. Each set of kids had their own nanny due to split custody/residence.

The marriage lasted maybe 2 years. I wasn't surprised. If I had had to live with the two terrible children I would have done anything (non-criminal) within my power to get them out of my life.

I also knew an only child who had to live for 5 years 50% with dad and AP wifetress, her gaggle of first marriage kids, and affair baby half-sibling. Guess who never sees dad anymore?

Sometimes behaviors have a pretty logical root. Ex-H may need to mediate the issue.

She likes her stepmom, but she doesn’t like her stepsiblings. She spends less time there now, most weeks she refuses to go to her dads house. What can I do? Force her? No, I can’t, so I don’t.

OK, now this is sounding like a troll. Courts don’t accept “What can I do? Force her? So I don’t.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Oh, FFS. This is a troll, guys.

[Anonymous]

Substitute teacher who works in a ton of title 1 schools here. Is homeschool an option? She may be learning this behavior from other teens who have behavior issues. If she is that disruptive, traditional school is not for her. If homeschool isn't an option, maybe an alternative school? It's not fair to the other students.

Please discipline her for this, hard. Counseling also.

[Anonymous]

Phone taken away indefinitely.
She pays for broken computer
Apologize to teacher and class.
Get her into anger management.
STOP making excuses for her.
NO PHONE AT HOME EITHER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

If you are not a troll, you are a bad parent. Tell her dad why she has no phone. This has to be a joke.