Daughter got suspended

[Anonymous]

Are her new stepsiblings jerks?

I knew a reasonably woman who had two terrible children who remarried a guy who had three children (never met them). The kids had to live in the same house part-week. Each set of kids had their own nanny due to split custody/residence.

The marriage lasted maybe 2 years. I wasn't surprised. If I had had to live with the two terrible children I would have done anything (non-criminal) within my power to get them out of my life.

I also knew an only child who had to live for 5 years 50% with dad and AP wifetress, her gaggle of first marriage kids, and affair baby half-sibling. Guess who never sees dad anymore?

Sometimes behaviors have a pretty logical root. Ex-H may need to mediate the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in emotional neglect where the adults didn't have much time for me and didn't really know me. OP, you need to be there for your daughter. Yes, what she did is completely unacceptable. But kids have no power. They react in the ways they can as a result. She had no power to stop her parents from arguing when she was younger. She had no power over your filing for divorce. She had no power to keep her dad from leaving. She had no power to keep him from remarrying. She had no power to keep him from giving her a stepmother. She had no power to keep them from giving her (multiple) stepsiblings. She had no power, because she has no real power. When people feel like they have no power in their own lives, they can act out in strange ways. You empower her by actually listening to her every day. Maybe stop relying on a therapist to figure it all out, figure her out? She needs you. This is a cry for help. Are her parents listening?

Totally this. She may be just so very upset and feel abandoned by her father, or find stepfamily life unbearable.

Or she may have decided that since adults are making life difficult for her, she is going to make life difficult for them..

[Anonymous]

Take away her phone and her school computer. She can sit in class without the computer and only use the school computer under parental supervision at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are her new stepsiblings jerks?

I knew a reasonably woman who had two terrible children who remarried a guy who had three children (never met them). The kids had to live in the same house part-week. Each set of kids had their own nanny due to split custody/residence.

The marriage lasted maybe 2 years. I wasn't surprised. If I had had to live with the two terrible children I would have done anything (non-criminal) within my power to get them out of my life.

I also knew an only child who had to live for 5 years 50% with dad and AP wifetress, her gaggle of first marriage kids, and affair baby half-sibling. Guess who never sees dad anymore?

Sometimes behaviors have a pretty logical root. Ex-H may need to mediate the issue.

She likes her stepmom, but she doesn’t like her stepsiblings. She spends less time there now, most weeks she refuses to go to her dads house. What can I do? Force her? No, I can’t, so I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Excellent advice here.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. You need to work with a therapist on this and obviously she shouldn’t have her phone in school.

Our therapist advised generally that school handle the punishment for things that happen in school instead of adding a home punishment. The four days being suspended are a big consequence.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the suggestions about the flip phone. The four days at home shouldn't be a vacation. She needs to wake up at the regular time, do her school work, and then do chores around the house. She can earn back the money to pay for the laptop.
You should also look into upping her therapy appointments and attending family therapy with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry.

Your daughter is at very high risk now. These are high-risk behaviors. She's at high risk for drug use, sexual activity, and self-harm. I hope the therapist you have her working with is capable of managing these things.

I am going to go against the grain here and not completely confiscate her phone. Chances are, it's a lifeline to friends, and she needs that right now. Maybe allow her to have it for like an hour an evening under your supervision. Don't allow her to take it to school.

I would check her socials to see what she's posting on tiktok and other channels.

Are there any friends she can spend time with when her grounding is over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

Teen years. She’s bratty sometimes at home, and has outbursts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take away her phone and her school computer. She can sit in class without the computer and only use the school computer under parental supervision at home.

This. What does her father say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are her new stepsiblings jerks?

I knew a reasonably woman who had two terrible children who remarried a guy who had three children (never met them). The kids had to live in the same house part-week. Each set of kids had their own nanny due to split custody/residence.

The marriage lasted maybe 2 years. I wasn't surprised. If I had had to live with the two terrible children I would have done anything (non-criminal) within my power to get them out of my life.

I also knew an only child who had to live for 5 years 50% with dad and AP wifetress, her gaggle of first marriage kids, and affair baby half-sibling. Guess who never sees dad anymore?

Sometimes behaviors have a pretty logical root. Ex-H may need to mediate the issue.

Wut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

Teen years. She’s bratty sometimes at home, and has outbursts.

This might not apply, but want to throw it out there. Emotional dysregulation can be a central symptom in autistic children. I have two autistic kids that do not have emotional outbursts, but I know lots of ASD families for which this is a problem. I would get this child a neuropsych evaluation, to see if there are any diagnoses that are impeding her development (ADHD, ASD, anxiety, depression, etc). And then go from there. I say this because most people naturally converge on divorce as the root of all children's problems, and sometimes it is! But not always...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

This crosses the line. You shouldn't have anything to do with grandchildren's college process, except for grandparent legacy if you happen ot have one.
Your grandchildren are NOT your kids, to be very clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

Teen years. She’s bratty sometimes at home, and has outbursts.

This might not apply, but want to throw it out there. Emotional dysregulation can be a central symptom in autistic children. I have two autistic kids that do not have emotional outbursts, but I know lots of ASD families for which this is a problem. I would get this child a neuropsych evaluation, to see if there are any diagnoses that are impeding her development (ADHD, ASD, anxiety, depression, etc). And then go from there. I say this because most people naturally converge on divorce as the root of all children's problems, and sometimes it is! But not always...

Oh FFS stop diagnosing everyone on the internet with the autism. It's incredibly rare and should not be considered a go-to explanation for behavior in a troubled teen. What OP describes sounds like a very normal kid who is understandably having trouble regulating extreme emotions due to hormones compounded by externalities like her family situation being upended. Saying, "oh it might be autism" is so unbelievably insensitive and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

This crosses the line. You shouldn't have anything to do with grandchildren's college process, except for grandparent legacy if you happen ot have one.
Your grandchildren are NOT your kids, to be very clear.

Wut?