Daughter got suspended

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Zero chance this all happened. Can't even make it up.

If this happened, I wish I worked in your district. We could never get a student suspended for what you describe.

I would love to know what district too. Kids are rarely suspended now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Are there other siblings in your house? Older? Or younger? If so, don’t forget how this will impact them too-especially if younger (they see and feel it all).

Three other kids. 19 year old DS in college, 13 year old DS, and 10 year old DD.

Are they bios, halfs, or steps?

All my bio kids. They have tween/teen stepsiblings.

Sounds like both of this child's parents are spread very thin and she's not getting the attention she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in emotional neglect where the adults didn't have much time for me and didn't really know me. OP, you need to be there for your daughter. Yes, what she did is completely unacceptable. But kids have no power. They react in the ways they can as a result. She had no power to stop her parents from arguing when she was younger. She had no power over your filing for divorce. She had no power to keep her dad from leaving. She had no power to keep him from remarrying. She had no power to keep him from giving her a stepmother. She had no power to keep them from giving her (multiple) stepsiblings. She had no power, because she has no real power. When people feel like they have no power in their own lives, they can act out in strange ways. You empower her by actually listening to her every day. Maybe stop relying on a therapist to figure it all out, figure her out? She needs you. This is a cry for help. Are her parents listening?

+1000

Where the hell is Dad, other than living it up with his new family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry OP. You need to work with a therapist on this and obviously she shouldn’t have her phone in school.

Our therapist advised generally that school handle the punishment for things that happen in school instead of adding a home punishment. The four days being suspended are a big consequence.

+1

[Anonymous]

So she's one of 4 siblings and now has more step siblings. Doesn't see her dad at all and probably resents everyone for abandoning her. It's a huge cry for help and attention. The school did the right thing based on what happened there. You need to ramp up the care and attention to her and make sure she makes it through this stage safely like the PP mentioned the risk for other destructive behaviors is high.

[Anonymous]

WOW

[Anonymous]

ed her desk and chair, and knocked materials off a shelf on her way out. She then left the classroom without permission and didn’t go to the office, and staff had to locate her elsewhere in the school

and just got suepdned for 4 days-1 because at leat PWCS DAY 1 the day the incident happen so just 3 days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in emotional neglect where the adults didn't have much time for me and didn't really know me. OP, you need to be there for your daughter. Yes, what she did is completely unacceptable. But kids have no power. They react in the ways they can as a result. She had no power to stop her parents from arguing when she was younger. She had no power over your filing for divorce. She had no power to keep her dad from leaving. She had no power to keep him from remarrying. She had no power to keep him from giving her a stepmother. She had no power to keep them from giving her (multiple) stepsiblings. She had no power, because she has no real power. When people feel like they have no power in their own lives, they can act out in strange ways. You empower her by actually listening to her every day. Maybe stop relying on a therapist to figure it all out, figure her out? She needs you. This is a cry for help. Are her parents listening?

There’s no one who has the power to stop anyone else from remarrying, step siblings and what not. Not even other adults.
You learn to let go by understanding autonomy of other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She loses her phone and writes a hand written apology to the teacher for being rude.

This
My kid is in 8th and doesn’t take her phone to school. She won’t be taking it in HS either. There’s no need.

Come back in 2 years when she has friends she wants to hang with after school. Well maybe she won’t have them but that’s even worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 15, I just wanted my mom, who was unavailable physically and emotionally. I didn't want a therapist to know me, I wanted my mom to know me. As a person. But she never did. I didn't care about anything else except being seen and heard by my parents.

You dont know this about OP

[Anonymous]

OP I just wanted to say I’m sorry this is happening
I don’t think it’s about the ex or you not doing enough or doing too much of something you shouldn’t do
There’s something else and I hope you get to the bottom of it
Some kids are just… different and it’s all biochemistry of the brain and very little impact of external factors
Hugs

[Anonymous]

No phone permanently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She loses her phone and writes a hand written apology to the teacher for being rude.

This
My kid is in 8th and doesn’t take her phone to school. She won’t be taking it in HS either. There’s no need.

Come back in 2 years when she has friends she wants to hang with after school. Well maybe she won’t have them but that’s even worse

My kid is 15, a sophomore, and doesn’t bring her phone to school. She has friends, and is doing great socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

Teen years. She’s bratty sometimes at home, and has outbursts.

This might not apply, but want to throw it out there. Emotional dysregulation can be a central symptom in autistic children. I have two autistic kids that do not have emotional outbursts, but I know lots of ASD families for which this is a problem. I would get this child a neuropsych evaluation, to see if there are any diagnoses that are impeding her development (ADHD, ASD, anxiety, depression, etc). And then go from there. I say this because most people naturally converge on divorce as the root of all children's problems, and sometimes it is! But not always...

Oh FFS stop diagnosing everyone on the internet with the autism. It's incredibly rare and should not be considered a go-to explanation for behavior in a troubled teen. What OP describes sounds like a very normal kid who is understandably having trouble regulating extreme emotions due to hormones compounded by externalities like her family situation being upended. Saying, "oh it might be autism" is so unbelievably insensitive and rude.

How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Is this a joke. No phone, not two hours a day.