Reply to dropping hints about helping financially

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[quote=Anonymous]OP I am glad she seems to be willing to follow through. It sounds different than my experience, but I will share mine in case your mom never follows through.

My mother did this all the time. She inherited money and dad made big money. I would have said she was generous even though the money rarely happened or came with strings and stress, but I needed to convince myself the problem must be me.I didn't want to cause friction between her and dad by letting him know the offer they both made never happened.

When I got married she gave me the same options her parents gave her-we''ll pay for a wedding or give you the money toward a home or furniture and we will pay for the honeymoon. So generous-but it didn't happen. We took the latter. I got a great deal on the honeymoon and she changed her mind. No big deal, we could afford it. For furnishing the home, she needed to approve everything and even then, it was hard to get her to part with the money so we stopped after a sofa and paid for it ourselves to keep the peace. I sent a long thank you note and thanked her often for the sofa, but no thank you was ever enough.

There have been so many offers since then that when I finally gently asked, I got a guilt trip and a "how dare you!" I kept the peace by saying "thank you" and accepting the offers would not materialize.

Then came the threats. I was helping her a lot as dad became ill with cancer and then had to back away for a bit when DH had a health issue. That's when the threats started coming about the inheritance. Luckily, I knew no matter how much she promised, I should plan well so we were fine. I made it clear she can do whatever she wants with her money, but I don't want to hear any more threats.

I eventually found out she funded all sorts of things for my sister and her kids. No dysfunctional dance either, just insisting on paying and actually doing it.

I could go on with so many stories, but what helped me was to detach. I will not engage about money anymore with her. When she tries to manipulate me into doing more for her, I remind myself of how I decreased my work hours to help her and I have a right to earn my own money and she can hire someone.
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