Did you tell your kids?

[Anonymous]

I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

[Anonymous]

My mom didn’t tell us but she dropped veiled hints since it happened when I was 11. I found her After the Affair and Surviving Infidelity books in her closet around then too. I’m 41 now. My dads infidelity led to them working on their marriage for next few years and checking out of raising my siblings and me. My brother got a weird porn addiction, my sister failed out of college and I was smoking cigarettes upstairs, skipping school to drive to Tijuana to buy painkillers and bringing boys over when they went on yet another second honeymoon. They’re such fools. I wish they had gotten divorced.

[Anonymous]

Pp here - I told my mom I knew when I was in my 30s as she was bemoaning my dad again and how you can never trust your husband. So I got to hear all the details and how it went down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).

I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

Sounds like you aren't a very good candidate for this conversation. Your parents broke up over cheating. You chose another cheater. Why do you think your child will be any different? Maybe you should change your strategy here. Your next husband will likely cheat on you as well.

Actually, I'm the perfect candidate for the question "did you tell your kids?" If you've never been in that situation, you have no business giving advice, and I've been on both sides.

We can never be 100% sure someone won't cheat. But what we can do is take things slow, vet people, leave when it's questionable, and protect ourselves. We can know what we'll do if it happens. We can choose to act in a rational way that minimizes damage for everyone, rather than getting emotional and dragging our kids into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).

I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

Sounds like you aren't a very good candidate for this conversation. Your parents broke up over cheating. You chose another cheater. Why do you think your child will be any different? Maybe you should change your strategy here. Your next husband will likely cheat on you as well.

Actually, I'm the perfect candidate for the question "did you tell your kids?" If you've never been in that situation, you have no business giving advice, and I've been on both sides.

We can never be 100% sure someone won't cheat. But what we can do is take things slow, vet people, leave when it's questionable, and protect ourselves. We can know what we'll do if it happens. We can choose to act in a rational way that minimizes damage for everyone, rather than getting emotional and dragging our kids into it.

Not to be rude, but are you new here? Pps reply was in response to what they bolded - "teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships". Not about the title of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

They can't process something they weren't directly involved in (infidelity) so then they just have a ton of questions and a lot of confusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

That’s cheaterspeak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Sharing the reason their family broke apart is hardly "tattling". What a childish response. You sound like a cheater who didn't want the kids to know how gross you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t tell your kids this. My God.

Why the pearl-clutching? If the kids are old enough to understand there’s no need to keep secrets.

So where does it end. Does the cheater tell the kids that the fairhful parents had bad breath and a smelly private area? Or do they tell them that the faithful partner refused to have sex with them?

Who will the kids believe? Remember that cheats are manipulative. ..

Are you saying that bad breath or lack of sex justifies infidelity or were you posing the question of do you air all grievances vs just explaining that there was infidelity?

[Anonymous]

Do not place adult burdens on kids shoulders. Stop. They don't need to know because then they will feel responsible to fix it. Don't do that to them. Be an adult and keep the sordid details to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not place adult burdens on kids shoulders. Stop. They don't need to know because then they will feel responsible to fix it. Don't do that to them. Be an adult and keep the sordid details to yourself.

Cheater found the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Sharing the reason their family broke apart is hardly "tattling". What a childish response. You sound like a cheater who didn't want the kids to know how gross you are.

Are you naive enough to think it’s one reason in a vacuum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not place adult burdens on kids shoulders. Stop. They don't need to know because then they will feel responsible to fix it. Don't do that to them. Be an adult and keep the sordid details to yourself.

Absolutely. Your romantic relationship is not to be discussed with your kids until they are at least 25-30. Do not parentify them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.