Did you tell your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Sharing the reason their family broke apart is hardly "tattling". What a childish response. You sound like a cheater who didn't want the kids to know how gross you are.

+1

[Anonymous]

Hey boys: your mother is a whore who frequented Ashley Madison and fkd guys in our house when you were at school.

Like that ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey boys: your mother is a whore who frequented Ashley Madison and fkd guys in our house when you were at school.

Like that ?

Yeah. Just the facts. lol

If it’s true….

[Anonymous]

We didn’t know until 25 years after the divorce about our mother’s little adventures on the side that eventually grew to be big adventures and ended up causing a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.

So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. She didn’t leave because of finances and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Sharing the reason their family broke apart is hardly "tattling". What a childish response. You sound like a cheater who didn't want the kids to know how gross you are.

Are you naive enough to think it’s one reason in a vacuum?

There are no acceptable reasons to cheat, no matter what lies you tell yourself to absolve yourself of guilt. The cheater is the one who broke up the family, vacuum or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.

So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. She didn’t leave because of finances and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me.

So she didn't want to get a job, she just f***ed around instead? What a nasty friend. I can't believe you're admitting that you think that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.

So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. She didn’t leave because of finances and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me.

You’re just a cheater apologist. The decent thing to do would have been to divorce and pursue her true love, but she just wanted to have her cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.

So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. She didn’t leave because of finances and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me.

The deterioration of the relationship is not entirely on her, but yes everything else is on her. Her communications may not have been as obvious to him as she relayed them to you or he may have not understood what she needed.

She could have asked for an open marriage or at least realized that her momentary happiness was not worth more than her character and family. Stepping out removed her from the family, she may have been there physically, but that was a facade. They both messed up, but she chose to end it without having the courage to end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.

So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. She didn’t leave because of finances and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me.

So she didn't want to get a job, she just f***ed around instead? What a nasty friend. I can't believe you're admitting that you think that's ok.

She works. Nice assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.

So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. She didn’t leave because of finances and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me.

So she didn't want to get a job, she just f***ed around instead? What a nasty friend. I can't believe you're admitting that you think that's ok.

She works. Nice assumption.

Not enough to support herself apparently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out on my own at 16.

I think it's better that they know. Otherwise they won't truly understand their own family and be able to make informed choices about who to trust. I certainly am much happier knowing, because it makes a lot of things make sense that I would otherwise not understand.

Thank you for sharing this. I am the parent who kept the infidelity secret from the kids and tried to carry on with co-parenting as normal with my ex. They were 5 y.o. And 18 mos. when we split up, so OFC it wasn’t appropriate to tell them at that age.

But, a guy who commits serial infidelity and tells extensive lies to cover them up and manipulate the partner to stay obviously has a lot of character and personality issues that manifest in his relationship with his kids. Over the years, I do feel like my keeping the secret and trying to support their relationship with their dad normalized his behavior in a way that was not healthy for them.

I often wonder if I should have told them, but when? How? I think I would have just come off as vindictive or creating conflict. Instead, I offered them therapy in adolescence and hoped the therapist would help them work through their relationship with their dad. Also, TBH, I have always been a little scared that telling my kids would set my son up for some kind of subconscious pattern of following his dad’s behavior, which would break my heart.

What is it now that you “truly understand”? How has knowing or not knowing affected your other relationships and ability to trust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t know until 25 years after the divorce about our mother’s little adventures on the side that eventually grew to be big adventures and ended up causing a divorce.

How did you find out and how did finding out affect you and your relationship with your Mom, your dad and other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out on my own at 16.

I think it's better that they know. Otherwise they won't truly understand their own family and be able to make informed choices about who to trust. I certainly am much happier knowing, because it makes a lot of things make sense that I would otherwise not understand.

Thank you for sharing this. I am the parent who kept the infidelity secret from the kids and tried to carry on with co-parenting as normal with my ex. They were 5 y.o. And 18 mos. when we split up, so OFC it wasn’t appropriate to tell them at that age.

But, a guy who commits serial infidelity and tells extensive lies to cover them up and manipulate the partner to stay obviously has a lot of character and personality issues that manifest in his relationship with his kids. Over the years, I do feel like my keeping the secret and trying to support their relationship with their dad normalized his behavior in a way that was not healthy for them.

I often wonder if I should have told them, but when? How? I think I would have just come off as vindictive or creating conflict. Instead, I offered them therapy in adolescence and hoped the therapist would help them work through their relationship with their dad. Also, TBH, I have always been a little scared that telling my kids would set my son up for some kind of subconscious pattern of following his dad’s behavior, which would break my heart.

What is it now that you “truly understand”? How has knowing or not knowing affected your other relationships and ability to trust?

I am the person who wrote that. In my case, since my mother is still with her AP (though he is divorced and they did not marry), there's more to understand. I wouldn't feel the same way about a short-term affair that is long in the past.

The main thing I understand is why my father refused to talk with me about his divorce from my mother, and also refused to be around her AP and would leave social events if her AP was there. That would have been very weird for me without knowing the truth, and I would have probably thought negatively of my father in a way that was unfair to him, and that would have damaged my relationship with him.

I also came to understand why my mom's AP's wife dislikes her so much and all that woman's relatives do too. This is all very awkward in a small town and I certainly could tell that *something* was very seriously wrong, so I think I was better off knowing the truth. I also learned that my mother is a very convincing liar, and that she will choose her AP in the face of some very serious tradeoffs, and indeed she has continued to do so. This has helped me to understand, for example, why her retirement planning is so poor-- it's because she's financially supporting him but doesn't want to admit it. I also now understand why she made me change schools for 9th-- it was because she was planning for herself and me and my sister to move in with him and his kids and the school was in his town. I will always resent her for doing that to me. Thank goodness, they never actually moved in together because she found out about his children's drug problems and didn't want to live with them. Fun times!

Ultimately I 100% agree that the real problem is the underlying personality traits that enable the affair (disloyalty, short-sightedness, avoidance, wishful thinking).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves.

This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too.

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage. I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not. Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives. Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family. Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.

So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. She didn’t leave because of finances and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me.

So she didn't want to get a job, she just f***ed around instead? What a nasty friend. I can't believe you're admitting that you think that's ok.

She works. Nice assumption.

Not enough to support herself apparently?

Herself, yes. Her kids with an apartment big enough for them in the same school district? No. Are you going to say it’s a moral failing that she’s not wealthy? Are you going to berate her for mommy tracking herself so her DH could go back to school and follow his dreams? How else you trying to turn this story into something black and white? I’m not defending her decision to cheat on him, but I am not stupid enough to think it wasn’t a very human thing to do. Believe me, I’ve had to unpack a lot of my beliefs and see where I land. But I know that people who walk around thinking that “all cheaters are evil and selfish trash” maybe are a bit like those hateful republicans who hate gay people because, you know, they’re gay.