Did you tell your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).

I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).

I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

Looks like you’d rather have preferred to ignore that your father was morally flawed and pretend he was a wonderful man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was nothing to tell. Kids and grandparents walked in on the happy couple doing it on the living room couch when they returned unexpectedly early from an event.

Cheater's parents or no?

No, the other set. Cheater’s parents sided 100% with their son.

I don't know why this always seems like a surprise. Even if a family doesn't approve of what their child did (cheat, steal, lie, whatever), the child is STILL their child. If it comes down to my faulty child and my perfect son- or daughter-in-law? Obviously I'll support my faulty child. I can still do that without approving of their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid told me. So that was fun.

Jesus. What happened? How is your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t tell your kids this. My God.

Why the pearl-clutching? If the kids are old enough to understand there’s no need to keep secrets.

You are assuming they want to know. They will love you both despite your divorce. They have their own lives to plan. They don't need additional stress and distraction from a parent who just can't let it go. Divorce is not the end of the world okay. It's sad and unfortunate. But you must move on.

Said like a cheater.

Telling kids the truth doesn’t mean you can’t move on. It’s empowering them with understanding about how their family ended. Without that, a divorce is absolutely disorienting and more painful than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).

I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

Looks like you’d rather have preferred to ignore that your father was morally flawed and pretend he was a wonderful man.

As a kid, yea, absolutely. Kids don’t think in nuance.

As an adult who has dealt with an xH cheating, I now see that all of us are morally flawed and it’s usually difficult to assign blame.

People can also be flawed and still be wonderful parents.

Ultimately xH and I were a bad match and he struggled with his own demons. I’m not going to say I’m morally superior because I didn’t cheat, I’m a flawed human, too. Everybody is.

Certainly people who want to drag their kids into their own drama are highly morally flawed.

Being cheated on sucks. I’ve been there. But there’s so much more power in choosing to move on and not further blow up your life with your victimhood. Telling your kids is giving a heavy burden to a child who isn’t mentally developed enough to process it and deal with it. Adults understand the nuances of marriage, kids don’t.

It’s better for everyone to just move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).

Sorry! I feel you would have been unhappy if you found out later as well.. Did you never suspect yourself?

I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).



I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

Sorry! I feel you would have been unhappy if you found out later as well.. Did you never suspect yourself?

[Anonymous]

It's not necessarily about assigning blame. It's about allowing the kid to understand what happened and potentially what is continuing to happen. Like, why is dad's girlfriend having a baby when they have only been publicly dating for two weeks? Why is there a crying woman on our porch yelling that dad is a liar? Why are people so awkward about my parents divorcing? If you make them live in a setting where something is wrong and nobody will tell them what it is, that can be far more damaging than the actual truth.

[Anonymous]

It's because it's not fair to the child to receive them, even by omission. My mother wanted me to accept her AP as a stepfather, and I would not have done so if I had known the truth-- that he was married and my mother was married, and they both carried on a long-term affair and told all the lies necessary to make that possible. My father did not tell me the truth either, and accepted that I would think less of him for holding my mother's AP at arm's length. Of course, I eventually found out the truth, and my relationship with my mother is far worse because of it, and my relationship with my father has healed. I will always resent being manipulated in this way. They didn't keep it a secret for my own good, they did it for their own convenience and to cause me to do something I would not have done if I had known the truth. I honestly do not think my relationship with my mother will ever recover.

[Anonymous]

*deceive not receive. I hate autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

If children ask, I think you should be honest. I don't think that counts as emotional dumping or whatever. But children don't need to be lied to by their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the level of detail is age dependent, but in general I think children should be told.

It’s a parent’s job to prepare their kids for life. Part of life is knowing that people wear masks and you have to be aware of that because a high percentage of people engage in infidelity, addiction, financial impropriety, etc.

Encouraging your kids to be starry eyed and to believe fully in happy ever after isn’t beneficial to them. People with that mindset are the ones who get crushed and struggle to overcome the betrayals they might experience from partners, friends, colleagues, family members.

My mom told me about my dad cheating and all it did was make me feel very uncomfortable she included me in their persona business. My dad was still a great dad, and we were close, and the whole thing was so squeamish and awkward for me.

It also didn’t help me not believe in “happy ever after” - if anything, the conflict between them in the years after their divorce made me want a “happy ever after” even more so he could take me away from it all. Those first couple breakups in my teens/early 20s were more devastating because if my parents couldn’t even put aside their conflict to love me, and a guy didn’t love me either, what did that say about me?

My xH cheated on me and I won’t tell our DD. She’s still too young to even know about sex, but when she gets older, I’ll explain that we weren’t happy together (which is true).

I’m more interested in teaching my DD how to evaluate men for relationships, consent, how to exit relationships, how to keep her own life so her life doesn’t revolve around a guy, etc. Her soon to be stepdad is also an amazing guy who sets an example for her on how men are supposed to treat women.

Now, her dad is a real piece of work who can be manipulative. I know trash talking him won’t do anything. Instead we talk about her feelings around it, what would she like to do, and let her come to her own conclusions.

So many people like to say cheaters are manipulative, and while that’s true in many cases, I’ve seen too many betrayed spouses who try to manipulate the children just as much into picking their side and shunning the cheater. That’s not good.

There are ways to teach children about the reality of the world without trashing their parent.

Sounds like you aren't a very good candidate for this conversation. Your parents broke up over cheating. You chose another cheater. Why do you think your child will be any different? Maybe you should change your strategy here. Your next husband will likely cheat on you as well.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you have to tell the kids because he / she is moving in with their AP or AP is pregnant or kids already know there is something going on.

My brothers kids overheard him and his wife arguing one night (she had the affair). She had introduced her AP to the kids and so they knew the name and heard enough to figure out what was going on. So they already knew.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I told. “Your father made a decision that means we can no longer be married. He made a bad decision but is still a good person who loves you very much.”

Actions have consequences, but our mistakes to not have to define us.