Did you tell your kids?

[Anonymous]

My ex left suddenly, denying that there was another person. (There was.) He just went public with her, trying to pretend they just started dating, I guess. The kids were like, "We knew all along." I wish I'd know that. We listened to the coparenting therapist who said not to tell them. I didn't want to share gory details, but I could see how confused and blindsided they were (like me). They needed a narrative to make sense of how a marriage could end suddenly. Otherwise it sends the message that life is scary and people can up and leave suddenly for no reason at all. Kids were 7th and 9th grade for context.

Things are much better now that we can speak openly. They are still trying to have a relationship with their dad, but they see his issues (functional alcoholic) more clearly now too. I tell them, you don't have to like his girlfriend because your dad wants you to. You don't have to dislike her for my sake. You get to decide how you feel.

I'm an adult. I had adult emotional supports. But telling them the truth of their lives is not the same as emotional dumping. To not tell the truth is to do image management for an adult who is benefiting from your secrecy at everyone else's expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid told me. So that was fun.

How did that go down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t tell your kids this. My God.

Why the pearl-clutching? If the kids are old enough to understand there’s no need to keep secrets.

So where does it end. Does the cheater tell the kids that the fairhful parents had bad breath and a smelly private area? Or do they tell them that the faithful partner refused to have sex with them?

Who will the kids believe? Remember that cheats are manipulative. ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t tell your kids this. My God.

Why the pearl-clutching? If the kids are old enough to understand there’s no need to keep secrets.

So where does it end. Does the cheater tell the kids that the fairhful parents had bad breath and a smelly private area? Or do they tell them that the faithful partner refused to have sex with them?

Who will the kids believe? Remember that cheats are manipulative. ..

They already know the marriage was bad so I don't think knowing those things would make a difference. It would only make the parent saying those things seem foolish.

The reason to tell about an affair is to explain things that cannot be explained any other way, and so that they hear it from their parents rather than from gossip.

In my case, my mother tried to present her AP as a "new" boyfriend and I initially accepted him and thought it was weird that my father disliked him. When I found out the truth, I disliked my mother and her AP, and felt that she had withheld the truth in an attempt to manipulate me into accepting him as a stepfather. I also lost my friendship with this man's child and didn't know why, until I found out about the affair and it made sense. These kinds of considerations and experiences, and how it can involve other people and the child's community, are what makes this different from other complaints people have about their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t tell your kids this. My God.

Why the pearl-clutching? If the kids are old enough to understand there’s no need to keep secrets.

So where does it end. Does the cheater tell the kids that the fairhful parents had bad breath and a smelly private area? Or do they tell them that the faithful partner refused to have sex with them?

Who will the kids believe? Remember that cheats are manipulative. ..

If you're the kind of person who would tell your children those things, I think they will find it very easy to believe that their other parent chose not to have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

You say, "Daddy has a Girlfriend." Then if they are old enough to want to ask more, and they know about sex and they ask -- you answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a child of divorce, you need to tell your children gently but truthfully why their family is ending. Hiding the truth only leaves room for kids to blame themselves, and they will. The advice not to tell kids is from an adult perspective seeking to avoid shame and difficult discussions.

Another kid of divorce and completely agree. Every situation is different but I was 12. It was incredibly insulting that they thought we didn't notice and it was cathartic when they did finally tell us a couple of years later--it wasn't us, we weren't crazy! That being said, I eventually came to the conclusion that their marriage was awful and the cheating was a catalyst to end it because they didn't have the courage to do it another way. It let me see things clearly and (with support) come to a peace with it. My own marriage is very different and much happier based on having all the information I needed to learn what I wanted/didn't want. I have a good relationship with both parents who are flawed but good human beings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t dump on your kids. Their home is already now broken.
Plus it low key makes kids pick a side.

Hard to hide affair baby half-sistsr.

Ugh. Dayum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This advice not to tell the kids is usually given by the cheater who wants to maintain their image.

+1
Don’t lie to kids and say parents grew apart.

[Anonymous]

Nope not appropriate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t tell your kids this. My God.

Why the pearl-clutching? If the kids are old enough to understand there’s no need to keep secrets.

You are assuming they want to know. They will love you both despite your divorce. They have their own lives to plan. They don't need additional stress and distraction from a parent who just can't let it go. Divorce is not the end of the world okay. It's sad and unfortunate. But you must move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a child of divorce, you need to tell your children gently but truthfully why their family is ending. Hiding the truth only leaves room for kids to blame themselves, and they will. The advice not to tell kids is from an adult perspective seeking to avoid shame and difficult discussions.

Another kid of divorce and completely agree. Every situation is different but I was 12. It was incredibly insulting that they thought we didn't notice and it was cathartic when they did finally tell us a couple of years later--it wasn't us, we weren't crazy! That being said, I eventually came to the conclusion that their marriage was awful and the cheating was a catalyst to end it because they didn't have the courage to do it another way. It let me see things clearly and (with support) come to a peace with it. My own marriage is very different and much happier based on having all the information I needed to learn what I wanted/didn't want. I have a good relationship with both parents who are flawed but good human beings.

That's your perspective, one of of many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say, "Daddy has a Girlfriend." Then if they are old enough to want to ask more, and they know about sex and they ask -- you answer.

I am not sure how I feel about telling older kids, but if your child is young enough that you haven't told them about sex they are too young to tell in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was nothing to tell. Kids and grandparents walked in on the happy couple doing it on the living room couch when they returned unexpectedly early from an event.

Cheater's parents or no?

No, the other set. Cheater’s parents sided 100% with their son.

Of course she took advantage of him, he didn’t plan it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This advice not to tell the kids is usually given by the cheater who wants to maintain their image.

+1
Don’t lie to kids and say parents grew apart.

Unfortunately that is protecting the cheaters image and is lying to the kids in most cheating situations.