DD14 swore at a teacher

[Anonymous]

Saying “stfu” to a teacher would end my child’s social life. That is so wildly unacceptable. This isn’t something a week without plans and extra chores will change. She would be on absolute lockdown. No electronics, no social plans, and extra chores for the entire 3rd quarter. Plus a written and in person apology. Meet with the teacher and administration to let them know you don’t accept this behavior and support them in holding your daughter to a high standard. At the end of the quarter meet again to discuss your daughters attitude toward the teacher to see if she is ready for the punishment to be loosened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

I’m glad you are taking this seriously. I’m one of the parents who had a terrible 9th grader who turned into a great 11th grader, because of maturity and growing up and our constant trying different things and not giving up. Not all because of our fantastic parenting, as much as we would want to believe.

My question, does she want to apologize? For those insisting on a sincere apology, will it be sincere? Please don’t force it if it won’t. My son would not have been able to do an apology at that age because it would have been forced, not sincere and ineffective. It would have been completely pointless and he likely would have come off as still being rude during it and make it worse.

Disagree with your last point.

The purpose of the apology goes beyond need for sincerity. It is supposed to embarrass the kid as well. And she can’t come off as rude while giving it if OP is standing there monitoring her every word. Which is what I would do.

I am a parent but I also happen to be a teacher of this age. I didn’t mention that in my response. Shaming/embarrassing them is not the way to go here and will work with the kids who only sincerely feel bad. It will make it worse and cause resentment between the teacher and student for the others and make things worse at home. If you can get a sincere apology and your kid actually feels some remorse over this and do it. Otherwise I stand by my advice.

And please, do not take the advice of the person suggesting the kid says after school with the teacher for a week to “help out.” I do not want to find things for a kid to do, basically have them there and watch them daily when they don’t want to be there, because they swore at me. That’s punishment for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying “stfu” to a teacher would end my child’s social life. That is so wildly unacceptable. This isn’t something a week without plans and extra chores will change. She would be on absolute lockdown. No electronics, no social plans, and extra chores for the entire 3rd quarter. Plus a written and in person apology. Meet with the teacher and administration to let them know you don’t accept this behavior and support them in holding your daughter to a high standard. At the end of the quarter meet again to discuss your daughters attitude toward the teacher to see if she is ready for the punishment to be loosened.

This never works.

OP failed way before this incident.

Her kid will have zero remorse even if she apologizes.

OP needs to figure out how her kid got to this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

I’m glad you are taking this seriously. I’m one of the parents who had a terrible 9th grader who turned into a great 11th grader, because of maturity and growing up and our constant trying different things and not giving up. Not all because of our fantastic parenting, as much as we would want to believe.

My question, does she want to apologize? For those insisting on a sincere apology, will it be sincere? Please don’t force it if it won’t. My son would not have been able to do an apology at that age because it would have been forced, not sincere and ineffective. It would have been completely pointless and he likely would have come off as still being rude during it and make it worse.

Disagree with your last point.

The purpose of the apology goes beyond need for sincerity. It is supposed to embarrass the kid as well. And she can’t come off as rude while giving it if OP is standing there monitoring her every word. Which is what I would do.

I am a parent but I also happen to be a teacher of this age. I didn’t mention that in my response. Shaming/embarrassing them is not the way to go here and will work with the kids who only sincerely feel bad. It will make it worse and cause resentment between the teacher and student for the others and make things worse at home. If you can get a sincere apology and your kid actually feels some remorse over this and do it. Otherwise I stand by my advice.

And please, do not take the advice of the person suggesting the kid says after school with the teacher for a week to “help out.” I do not want to find things for a kid to do, basically have them there and watch them daily when they don’t want to be there, because they swore at me. That’s punishment for me.

I think knowing that I will come to the school and read you the riot act in front of the teacher has been a good deterrent for my kid. Embarrassing them hurts. I wouldn’t do it lightly obviously but you say STFU to a teacher I’m bringing it home.

[Anonymous]

I ask for a meeting with the teacher and DD, and watch quietly while DD offers a sincere apology. No phone usage until that is accomplished.

Tbh I think it sucks the school did not give her detention!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

I’m glad you are taking this seriously. I’m one of the parents who had a terrible 9th grader who turned into a great 11th grader, because of maturity and growing up and our constant trying different things and not giving up. Not all because of our fantastic parenting, as much as we would want to believe.

My question, does she want to apologize? For those insisting on a sincere apology, will it be sincere? Please don’t force it if it won’t. My son would not have been able to do an apology at that age because it would have been forced, not sincere and ineffective. It would have been completely pointless and he likely would have come off as still being rude during it and make it worse.

Disagree with your last point.

The purpose of the apology goes beyond need for sincerity. It is supposed to embarrass the kid as well. And she can’t come off as rude while giving it if OP is standing there monitoring her every word. Which is what I would do.

I am a parent but I also happen to be a teacher of this age. I didn’t mention that in my response. Shaming/embarrassing them is not the way to go here and will work with the kids who only sincerely feel bad. It will make it worse and cause resentment between the teacher and student for the others and make things worse at home. If you can get a sincere apology and your kid actually feels some remorse over this and do it. Otherwise I stand by my advice.

And please, do not take the advice of the person suggesting the kid says after school with the teacher for a week to “help out.” I do not want to find things for a kid to do, basically have them there and watch them daily when they don’t want to be there, because they swore at me. That’s punishment for me.

I think knowing that I will come to the school and read you the riot act in front of the teacher has been a good deterrent for my kid. Embarrassing them hurts. I wouldn’t do it lightly obviously but you say STFU to a teacher I’m bringing it home.

That’s exactly my point. It works for some kids. It doesn’t for others. They go though the motions and all it does is further damage relationships between parents and teachers and actually makes behavior worse. So if it’s effective, great, do it. If it’s going to have the opposite effect, please don’t.

[Anonymous]

Does she have sincere regret about what she said, or is she doubling down and justifying herself ?

Because these are two seperate things. If she’s mortified and regrets something she said impulsively, how to handle that is going to be different than someone who can’t even see that she’s wrong.

Based on what you have posted in other comments, she might be socially immature and thinks she’s showing off to impress peers (even though she’s just embarrassing herself…my 8th many students start to not think this is so cool …definitely not in high school). Obviously a major punishment is in order and if she has genuine regret I agree with an in person apology.

If she doesn’t then you likely have a bigger issue outside my skill set, sorry.

Socially immature does often lend itself to adhd or autism, but don’t ever use that as an excuse for a situation - it’s more an explanation to understand lacking skills you need to build up to prevent it from happening again as fear of punishment won’t make up for these deficits.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Part of the problem here is that you're not taking it seriously enough. I read your update and you don't seem the least bit outraged over this. You should be.

Also consider that your child may be suffering from a psychiatric disorder if they have tendencies like this. Her behavior is NOT typical. You want a diagnosis and treatment before you send her off into the world as a young adult, otherwise things will get dicey for her and the people she comes into contact with.

[Anonymous]

This behavior isn’t unusual in teens raised in trauma. My friend teaches in a HS in a terrible neighborhood in Baltimore and there’s a lot of angry, very touchy teens. Anything can set them off. If your child isn’t in a school like this or grew up this way, she’s an outlier and you need to pay attention.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She is remorseful and ready to apologize, and the consequences will will last longer than just a few weeks. The school hasn't given her detention yet since this involves a different teacher. She doesn’t have ADHD, and of course we do expect respect at home, which she mostly shows. That said, her dad does have a bit of a mouth, and in general, they’ve always been very alike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

I’m glad you are taking this seriously. I’m one of the parents who had a terrible 9th grader who turned into a great 11th grader, because of maturity and growing up and our constant trying different things and not giving up. Not all because of our fantastic parenting, as much as we would want to believe.

My question, does she want to apologize? For those insisting on a sincere apology, will it be sincere? Please don’t force it if it won’t. My son would not have been able to do an apology at that age because it would have been forced, not sincere and ineffective. It would have been completely pointless and he likely would have come off as still being rude during it and make it worse.

Disagree with your last point.

The purpose of the apology goes beyond need for sincerity. It is supposed to embarrass the kid as well. And she can’t come off as rude while giving it if OP is standing there monitoring her every word. Which is what I would do.

I am a parent but I also happen to be a teacher of this age. I didn’t mention that in my response. Shaming/embarrassing them is not the way to go here and will work with the kids who only sincerely feel bad. It will make it worse and cause resentment between the teacher and student for the others and make things worse at home. If you can get a sincere apology and your kid actually feels some remorse over this and do it. Otherwise I stand by my advice.

And please, do not take the advice of the person suggesting the kid says after school with the teacher for a week to “help out.” I do not want to find things for a kid to do, basically have them there and watch them daily when they don’t want to be there, because they swore at me. That’s punishment for me.

Sorry, but as a parent, I still disagree with you. It's like taking the kid who shoplifted back to the store and making them give the item back and apologize to the store manager. I don't care if it's "sincere" or not. They need to feel shame and embarrassment from doing things like this, including talking to a teacher in this way.

This would not be my only punishment if OPs child was mine, but it certainly would be part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it the 2nd or 3rd? The fact you’re not sure concerns me.
My then 12yo was disrespectful to a teacher last summer ( yelling a pretend name for teacher as she ran past the door) after being asked several times previously not to as it’s disruptive.
I went into the classroom with DD and made her apologize. Made it very clear to her in front of the teacher it’s not acceptable.
She lost all screens until end of the school year which was 2.5 weeks away.
She was on dish duty for 2.5 weeks. And had to pick up the dog poop in the back yard for 2.5 weeks.

Ha! I there was a boy in DD’s class that was disruptive and rude. His father warned him the 1st time that if he did it again he would come to school with him all day to ensure he had the best behavior. The boy did it again and the father arranged (with the private school) to sit by the boy in every class. The boy was MORTIFIED and the dad kept telling the teacher to call on his son. Granted this man is probably one of the funniest dads I’ve ever met - his boy never acted up again.

The dad also sat by him at lunch asked him ‘oh, is that your girlfriend?’ - exactly not what a 7th grader wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't she have a phone prior to this? In this world 14 would be a very difficult age to not have a phone, phones are the social language of teens.

Her behavior has no excuse and needs to be addressed, but withholding a phone from a 14 year old could create a lot of bitterness and animosity towards authority, and a feeling like you really don't care about her wellbeing (social wellbeing which matters a lot to teens). Her not even having a restricted phone or similar and what she would deal with because of that - it seems a bot normal to me that she would have no respect for adults in charge.

Barring some extremely atypical situation of course, but genetically, 14 year olds often have phones even just for their safety and for parents to keep in touch to help foster independence & responsibility. Also both very important at this age.

No! Take the phone away.

She doesn’t have a phone. Learn to read.

Learn to be kind

[Anonymous]

The issues are far beyond this incident and likely beyond repair. I’ve personally never seen a teen with deep issues grow up to be functional and well liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying “stfu” to a teacher would end my child’s social life. That is so wildly unacceptable. This isn’t something a week without plans and extra chores will change. She would be on absolute lockdown. No electronics, no social plans, and extra chores for the entire 3rd quarter. Plus a written and in person apology. Meet with the teacher and administration to let them know you don’t accept this behavior and support them in holding your daughter to a high standard. At the end of the quarter meet again to discuss your daughters attitude toward the teacher to see if she is ready for the punishment to be loosened.

+1

I can’t believe people in this thread calling this merely “rude” and saying daughter needs help with her temper. The girl sounds like an entitled brat who has never faced consequences in her life.