DD14 swore at a teacher

[Anonymous]

^ typos bit not bot and generally not genetically

[Anonymous]

Wow. You and your child are the people giving teachers PTSD. No working professional should have to go into work and be insulted in this way.

I would be extremely severe with my child if they did this to a teacher, OP. Grounded, no phones, no outings, nothing until they get a neuropsychological evaluation and a diagnosis. And after that, meds and therapy or whatever's required. Plus an apology to the teacher, but only if it's sincere and appropriately phrased.

This is not normal. No mentally-healthy child swears at a teacher. I'm assuming there's at least ADHD, if not other things, that will come to light.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't she have a phone prior to this? In this world 14 would be a very difficult age to not have a phone, phones are the social language of teens.

Her behavior has no excuse and needs to be addressed, but withholding a phone from a 14 year old could create a lot of bitterness and animosity towards authority, and a feeling like you really don't care about her wellbeing (social wellbeing which matters a lot to teens). Her not even having a restricted phone or similar and what she would deal with because of that - it seems a bot normal to me that she would have no respect for adults in charge.

Barring some extremely atypical situation of course, but genetically, 14 year olds often have phones even just for their safety and for parents to keep in touch to help foster independence & responsibility. Also both very important at this age.

This is terrible advice. As OP and many others know, a phone in the hands on many (most?) middle schoolers is not worth the trade offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:could it be ADHD?n

Can we please stop using ADHD as an excuse for rude or inappropriate behavior? OP said her DD is 14. Even if she has ADHD she knows it’s unacceptable to use that kind of language to a teacher.

Agree.
My 2 kids both struggled with ADHD and there is still NO WAY they would have done that, or that we wouldn't have gone to Defcon 1 if they had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14yo DD (8th grade) swore at a teacher at school. After being told to stop talking in class, she said told the teacher to “Stfu. We are addressing it seriously at home.
This is the second or third incident of disrespectful language, and she’ll have to get detention if ur happens again. She does not have a phone, so I’m looking for ideas on appropriate consequences beyond that. She can have a quick temper, and we’re working on it, but the focus right now is making sure this stops.
What consequences would you give?

Not sure what a phone has to do with anything here? It's not like you would take away a phone for cursing at a teacher. That would just be lazy ass parenting.

The thing you do here is you wash the mouth out with soap. Pretty obvious. Effective, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

Good luck, OP. This seems like an appropriate response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d let her get detention. Also I’d make sure she understands that people aren’t going to respect her given that type of behavior - probably already don’t.

But I wouldn’t be addressing this through consequences. To me it looks like she lacks the skills to control her temper and to need to teach that to her.

I don't think there's any "letting" her get detention. If the school gives her attention, she gets detention. It's not something you as a parent allow to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

I’m glad you are taking this seriously. I’m one of the parents who had a terrible 9th grader who turned into a great 11th grader, because of maturity and growing up and our constant trying different things and not giving up. Not all because of our fantastic parenting, as much as we would want to believe.

My question, does she want to apologize? For those insisting on a sincere apology, will it be sincere? Please don’t force it if it won’t. My son would not have been able to do an apology at that age because it would have been forced, not sincere and ineffective. It would have been completely pointless and he likely would have come off as still being rude during it and make it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She doesn’t have a phone because she’s in middle school and we doesnt need one and she doesn’t care about it. She’s still adjusting to some of the typical changes at this age, and as the eldest, she’s navigating some things a little later, she’s still more like a child than a teenager. This is a public middle school. This is the first time she swore at a teacher; last time she said something rude but didn’t swear. Thanks for the suggestions/advice, We are taking this seriously — she is apologizing to the teacher in person and will be grounded from freinds and made to do extra chores at home.

I’m glad you are taking this seriously. I’m one of the parents who had a terrible 9th grader who turned into a great 11th grader, because of maturity and growing up and our constant trying different things and not giving up. Not all because of our fantastic parenting, as much as we would want to believe.

My question, does she want to apologize? For those insisting on a sincere apology, will it be sincere? Please don’t force it if it won’t. My son would not have been able to do an apology at that age because it would have been forced, not sincere and ineffective. It would have been completely pointless and he likely would have come off as still being rude during it and make it worse.

Disagree with your last point.

The purpose of the apology goes beyond need for sincerity. It is supposed to embarrass the kid as well. And she can’t come off as rude while giving it if OP is standing there monitoring her every word. Which is what I would do.

[Anonymous]

I mean the f word is just part of it. "Shut up" would basically be just as bad. Are people allowed to tell each other to shut up in your house? How is she expected to speak to you and DH?

I wouldn't solely focus on the swearing. It's just part of the lack of respect. Is she expected to speak respectfully to family members and friends?

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned about her mental health and/or what is causing this level of impulsiveness and lack of self control TBH.

Most kids know curse words (whether used or allowed at home or not) yet would not swear at or very directly disrespect a teacher like this. Especially more than once. IMHO. And one of my kids does have ADHD and has really been a handful.

I think this is really a big red flag.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your post op. I got some good ideas after coming to post something similar about my son, and seeing this. He is the same age and was sassing the teacher, not being quiet and all around bratty behavior, though no cussing. I don't know how to start tackling this and am worried about not doing the most effective thing. I really feel lost and he will be losing something he has been looking forward to all week so that is one thing but I am worried about it. I tend to overtalk it out over explaining how wrong it is and he hates that more than anything but not sure of a better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't she have a phone prior to this? In this world 14 would be a very difficult age to not have a phone, phones are the social language of teens.

Her behavior has no excuse and needs to be addressed, but withholding a phone from a 14 year old could create a lot of bitterness and animosity towards authority, and a feeling like you really don't care about her wellbeing (social wellbeing which matters a lot to teens). Her not even having a restricted phone or similar and what she would deal with because of that - it seems a bot normal to me that she would have no respect for adults in charge.

Barring some extremely atypical situation of course, but genetically, 14 year olds often have phones even just for their safety and for parents to keep in touch to help foster independence & responsibility. Also both very important at this age.

No! Take the phone away.

[Anonymous]

Take the phone. I highly disagree with some of the parents on here that could not imagine their kid without a phone. WHAT?!