Parents daily visits, mom constantly "cleaning" our spaces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died of Alzheimer's in late 2024. For perspective, many people would love to have this.

My mother is also dead and I would not love to have this. Your point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had some Greek in laws coming over and cleaning my house!

You have to remember their “cleaning” is completely useless and you can’t tell them what to do instead. They are also annoying your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m shocked your spouse will tolerate this. I don’t take divorce lightly AT ALL, and this would push me to the brink of my spouse was letting his parents come over every day for hours, scream at us, etc.

Yes. If you had posted saying this was your MIL, instead of your mother, everyone would have told you to divorce.

I wouldn't tolerate this from anyone, OP, not my mother, not my MIL, or anyone else.

My husband is annoyed by it. He works from home and works long and odd hours. He likes peace and quiet in the evenings and the ability to move around our home without having to bump into her constantly. That is a problem. Constantly walking on eggshells is a problem. I don't know how to effectively deal with her because every time I have tried, she erupts so I am scared to do so. She is thinking something in her mind that is not reality and that is causing a lot of the problems. She misunderstands everything I say and thinks the worst. Basically, it's her way or nothing. She has not talked to me for months here and there but always goes back to being the same and like nothing happened.

NO. Stop trying. You’ve already given this woman more than what she deserves. Tell her she cannot come into your house any more, ever. Does she have the keys? Change the locks if you’re worried she might show up 3 months from now as if nothing had happened.

You can figure out a way to see your father separately.

Please do this before your husband gets depressed or leaves. I would be in agonies if I were him.

[Anonymous]

As someone who had a mother we all had to appease or else, I can say that the first thing I did was move out. I did have to come back a few times when I was down on my luck but eventually I moved far away. I think it’s very difficult to break this dynamic and unfortunately there’s no middle ground.
You’ll have to outright forbid your mother to come over and deal with her upset. Your dad should have gotten her in check decades ago but it is what it is.
I think you should change the code, lock the doors and tell her she can’t come over but that you will visit them. She won’t be able to control herself once she gets into your house.
Or you should only have her over for weekend dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. They moved here to be closer to us. They were originally a few hours a way. That was also challenging because they would come visit for long periods of time and not tell us when and how long they were staying. Sometimes it would stretch to months and our house is not very large. To answer a previous poster, she does not like to be tasked with things and is impatient and does not like to cook with the kids.

Oh God, what a nightmare. Did you ever tell your parents that this was way too much? Did you push back when they moved 10 min away? Use your words, OP, otherwise how is she to know? If she has a massive tantrum, that's her fault, not yours.

Yes but she gets irate and it's bad for all especially my dad. Whenever she is over (which is daily) we have to have a grandma filter on. If someone does or says something she doesn't like she will start berating them. My middle child is frequently the one that sets her off and they have gotten into screaming matches and I ask her to go home and she refuses. Usually she gets mad at me for not disciplining them to her liking. I don't like conflict with her so I engage very little when she is angry. When she is calm again, we don't revisit the issue again because I am afraid to set her off again. This is my daily life and I don't have a good solution.

Op, this is terrible that you’re allowing her to do this to your children because you’re afraid of conflict. You need to grow a backbone and stand up to her and protect your kids!

[Anonymous]

How has nobody realized that the "cleaning" is nothing else than control. Being "sensitive" and "easy to anger" are also ways to manipulate others to do as you want, especially if you've trained them to do so. Your mom is a bully. You need to stop this now. I'm saying this as an Eastern European. There is no nice way of telling her. She becomes irate exactly because that's her way of getting what she wants. And then behaving like nothing happened is classic. You need to tell her that she cannot come over, change the garage code and let her fume. You can even tell her that your husband is considering divorcing you over her behavior (with some that works, but she may also instead be happy as you'd be all hers, so only you would know). If they threaten to move to Europe, support this! Help them along!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I miss my mom. She would do our laundry, cook, do dishes. She hated to sit still. Treasure them while you can. I recognize my own puttering around and cleaning my kids rooms in your description. It’s because I know my time with my teens at home is short, and I don’t get to see them much after school. It’s a way of doing something for them that makes me feel useful.

Your sadness doesn't make what op's mom is doing helpful, appropriate, tolerable. She is out of line and overbearing and I don't know a single person who would tolerate this. Did you read that she is doing this daily and she takes hours. She's also invading people's personal space. None of this would be acceptable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How has nobody realized that the "cleaning" is nothing else than control. Being "sensitive" and "easy to anger" are also ways to manipulate others to do as you want, especially if you've trained them to do so. Your mom is a bully. You need to stop this now. I'm saying this as an Eastern European. There is no nice way of telling her. She becomes irate exactly because that's her way of getting what she wants. And then behaving like nothing happened is classic. You need to tell her that she cannot come over, change the garage code and let her fume. You can even tell her that your husband is considering divorcing you over her behavior (with some that works, but she may also instead be happy as you'd be all hers, so only you would know). If they threaten to move to Europe, support this! Help them along!

Exactly. I left my hypercontrolling mother when I was 20, and I escaped to a different CONTINENT. That's what it took, OP. I married, had kids and made a life in the US. My mother is in Europe. The Atlantic ocean is a very useful buffer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you texted and said "Hey, we won't be home later, so don't come over. See you Tuesday!" And then lock the doors.

I can't relate because nobody has my keys and I keep my doors locked. But also because in my extended family we believe boundaries make good relationships.

No one in your extended family even cares. LOL. Y'all could be dead and people won't check on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I miss my mom. She would do our laundry, cook, do dishes. She hated to sit still. Treasure them while you can. I recognize my own puttering around and cleaning my kids rooms in your description. It’s because I know my time with my teens at home is short, and I don’t get to see them much after school. It’s a way of doing something for them that makes me feel useful.

I could have written this! It's a love language, so be patient with your mom.

[Anonymous]

I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. They moved here to be closer to us. They were originally a few hours a way. That was also challenging because they would come visit for long periods of time and not tell us when and how long they were staying. Sometimes it would stretch to months and our house is not very large. To answer a previous poster, she does not like to be tasked with things and is impatient and does not like to cook with the kids.

Oh God, what a nightmare. Did you ever tell your parents that this was way too much? Did you push back when they moved 10 min away? Use your words, OP, otherwise how is she to know? If she has a massive tantrum, that's her fault, not yours.

Yes but she gets irate and it's bad for all especially my dad. Whenever she is over (which is daily) we have to have a grandma filter on. If someone does or says something she doesn't like she will start berating them. My middle child is frequently the one that sets her off and they have gotten into screaming matches and I ask her to go home and she refuses. Usually she gets mad at me for not disciplining them to her liking. I don't like conflict with her so I engage very little when she is angry. When she is calm again, we don't revisit the issue again because I am afraid to set her off again. This is my daily life and I don't have a good solution.

Screaming matches with your kids? Oh hell no. Your family (and you too!) deserves space to relax after work or study/homework without walking on eggshells. Tell her no more. She can visit at other times but the hours-long nightly cleaning ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

You wouldn’t mind every single night for 2-3 hours, really? No chance for your family to unwind at the end of the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

You wouldn’t mind every single night for 2-3 hours, really? No chance for your family to unwind at the end of the day?

Unless you are living in a very tiny apartment, there is AMPLE space in most SFH to accommodate anyone's need for space and quite. No, I do not mind every single night for 2-3 hours because we grew up in multigenerational joint families where we had elderly grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, babies - all living together. Which means that if someone is in our space, we learn to be informal and at ease with them fairly quickly. They are not guests. They are family.

OP's parents are not living with her. They are making themselves useful and this is a cry for human connection. Shame on OP if this bothers her and she cannot see the real issue. She should be grateful that her parents or ILs do not need nursing care from OP or her husband. How she and her DH behave with the parents, ILs, siblings - is being watched by her kids and they are learning from her. She can make her family a loving tight-knit community and teach her kids to be generous and patient - or she can be another deeply unhappy American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

I am Asian and we don't live like this. Also, the point is that OP's mother gets angry and screams at people if they ask her to stop or do something else. THAT is the problem, PP. You missed the point completely.