Parents daily visits, mom constantly "cleaning" our spaces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

+1. Is there some real housework that you can leave her to do? Dusting is quiet and could be done in other rooms. Cleaning the kitchen?

I'm guessing you both are Greek and think it's appropriate to go to your married, adult kids' houses and find excuses to spend each evening there instead of in our own homes.

No. I am a WASP. I can't relate to OP's dilemma. My parents both started having dementia and other health issues when I was in my thirties with young kids. So I had to take care of my parents, not the other way around, while also raising my own kids. If your biggest issue with your mom is that she likes to come over and clean, well, not sure what to tell you. Maybe send her to my mom's house so she can clean up my mom's urine and urine-soaked sheets instead of me?

DP: Interestingly, my first though on reading the thread is that OP's mom has dementia. If my mom acted this way, we'd be at the docotor for an evaluation the second time she showed up and started cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

I am Asian and we don't live like this. Also, the point is that OP's mother gets angry and screams at people if they ask her to stop or do something else. THAT is the problem, PP. You missed the point completely.

No. I am not missing the point. OP is missing the point. If OP's mother is getting angry and starts screaming at people and refuses to do something else...then the problem is not that she comes over daily, is it? It is a case of cognitive decline in the elderly, family dysfunction and the problem of how OP will take care of her declining parents in the future.

This is not a problem of elderly mom cleaning the house because normal, well socialized industrious people like to help out others - especially family members. OP should get some therapy because she seems to hate her mom and have all kinds of pent-up anger towards her. Her DH also does not seem to be a kind or accomodating person. Anyways, both of them should start putting structures in place to take care of her elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

That sounds lovely. But remember also that OP is being berated for her parenting and her mom gets into screaming matches with one of the kids. Would you want that also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

I am Asian and we don't live like this. Also, the point is that OP's mother gets angry and screams at people if they ask her to stop or do something else. THAT is the problem, PP. You missed the point completely.

No. I am not missing the point. OP is missing the point. If OP's mother is getting angry and starts screaming at people and refuses to do something else...then the problem is not that she comes over daily, is it? It is a case of cognitive decline in the elderly, family dysfunction and the problem of how OP will take care of her declining parents in the future.

This is not a problem of elderly mom cleaning the house because normal, well socialized industrious people like to help out others - especially family members. OP should get some therapy because she seems to hate her mom and have all kinds of pent-up anger towards her. Her DH also does not seem to be a kind or accomodating person. Anyways, both of them should start putting structures in place to take care of her elderly parents.

No, you are continuing to miss the point. OP's mother has always behaved like this. We are telling OP that she should have distanced herself or cut off her mother, a long time ago. This is not cognitive decline, it's a long-standing mental health disorder that OP's mother is suffering from, and that no one has ever done anything about. We are urging OP to ban her mother from her house, to ensure marital peace and non-traumatized kids.

Read before weighing in.

[Anonymous]

Aw, this is what my grandma did and we miss it.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you start leaving sex toys all over your bed? Strap-ons, butt plugs, vibes. Perhaps this might signal to her that she is someone else’s intimate space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

Most people don't want to live like in a socialist commune. I realize you come from areas of high population density and different cultural background, but you cannot impose your "normal" here. In addition, OPs mom is not socializing. She's going to bedrooms herself when the rest of the family is eating dinner or doing homework. Her dad is on the phone. So she's alone upstairs digging through everyone's bedrooms. To top it off, she's been doing "her own thing" all her life or else she "easily angers". So no, even based on your "normal" what you have and what the OP has is not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you find her useful things to do elsewhere in the house? Like, hand her a vacuum or dirty laundry?

It's sad that she feels like she needs to prove her worth by cleaning....

+1. Is there some real housework that you can leave her to do? Dusting is quiet and could be done in other rooms. Cleaning the kitchen?

I'm guessing you both are Greek and think it's appropriate to go to your married, adult kids' houses and find excuses to spend each evening there instead of in our own homes.

No. I am a WASP. I can't relate to OP's dilemma. My parents both started having dementia and other health issues when I was in my thirties with young kids. So I had to take care of my parents, not the other way around, while also raising my own kids. If your biggest issue with your mom is that she likes to come over and clean, well, not sure what to tell you. Maybe send her to my mom's house so she can clean up my mom's urine and urine-soaked sheets instead of me?

Aren't you clever?

Op has a problem. Her mother is out of bounds. Your post shows what a narc you are because you make it all about you. This isn't about you and the pain you're going through. No one else is allowed to have problems because yours are so much worse. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

Part Greek and Eastern European. I agree with the previous poster that I think it's her way of being part of our lives. While she is up there, my dad is bored and sits on his phone. She has always been sensitive and easy to anger so we are afraid to set her off. She is 70.

Sounds just like my Greek ILs, with the quick to anger too! There isn’t really another way around it. Either you tell her the nightly visits are too much, or you grit your teeth and deal with it for another decade or so. You’re just going to have to explain it to her, and let her be angry, but I bet she’ll come around.

I get all the posters who say it would be nice and helpful, but I bet they never had a parent coming into their space every day! You’re not trying to have her NEVER come, just set some reasonable limits!

Those posters are self centered azzhats who make everything about them and need to feel superior. They have no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say ‘lately,’ how long has this been going on? I think you can say, politely, that you love having her over but every week night is getting to be a bit much. Tell her you need time to wind down just your immediate family, and ask she only come on Mondays or Wednesday or whatever. Maybe suggest they come over early enough to eat dinner together and then you can actually spend time together vs her hanging out in bedrooms. It sounds like they are lonely, or maybe your mom is sliding into dementia. But I would nip it in the bud now before the every day thing becomes totally normal.

Are you Greek by any chance? My Greek in laws describe a similar dynamic with parents coming over every night, just because they were bored. I’m glad we live many states away, or I’m sure they would be in my house every day too!

Part Greek and Eastern European. I agree with the previous poster that I think it's her way of being part of our lives. While she is up there, my dad is bored and sits on his phone. She has always been sensitive and easy to anger so we are afraid to set her off. She is 70.

Sounds just like my Greek ILs, with the quick to anger too! There isn’t really another way around it. Either you tell her the nightly visits are too much, or you grit your teeth and deal with it for another decade or so. You’re just going to have to explain it to her, and let her be angry, but I bet she’ll come around.

I get all the posters who say it would be nice and helpful, but I bet they never had a parent coming into their space every day! You’re not trying to have her NEVER come, just set some reasonable limits!

Yes, this. I have asked them before if they can take some nights off and they get upset and storm off and say they are moving to Europe and never coming back. Then, after a week or two, things slowly go back to normal. There is no real way to have healthy boundaries as they are both very sensitive and difficult to talk to. I guess that is just the way they are and it is becoming worse as they get older. If i lock the doors, they get upset that they cant get in. They have our garage code. Basically, I have to grit my teeth and just accept this and make sure to never be like this with my own kids. I also worry about my dad going first as he is older and she causes him a lot of stress with her spending and doesn't like him socializing with other people. I hope this never happens because she wont be able to live on her own. Thanks for letting me vent here and for all of the suggestions.

Why did you even post if you aren't going to grow up and set healthy boundaries? Garage codes can be changed. Tell them that this is going to stop and maybe set a schedule to see them once or twice a week/month/year whatever you want. Don't come whine when you have no intention to grow up and stop being a child to mommy and daddy.

ps Your mom can live on her own. Cheezus you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't mind at all. I am Asian. I vacuum, mop, wipe a part of my house every day. Make beds in 3 bedrooms, wipe counters in 2 bathrooms, do laundry for 4 - every single day.

When I visit my sister, I do not sit idle if I am feeling energetic. I will peel garlic, chop veggies, fold laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the fridge, clean/sort the kids toys, keep her kids engaged, teach them piano, help with homework, tutor them in Math, cleanout their bookbags/lunch boxes - while my sis can do other stuff. We are still chatting and hanging out all the time. Same when I visit my ILs or parents - we will do something or the other. Maybe even knit or crochet.

If I feel overwhelmed or tired, I don't need to do anything. But if I have energy, I can talk and work at the same time. We do this for each other. We bond while we are doing something. I thought it was common behavior in extended families in most cultures. You have to have this kind of bond and closeness to be able to lend a hand. My MIL will sit in the family room with the ironing board and iron my kid's clothes for me, while she is talking to me. Every little bit helps.

I believe that when we stop working or doing small tasks, we will start aging and start declining mentally and physically.

Most people don't want to live like in a socialist commune. I realize you come from areas of high population density and different cultural background, but you cannot impose your "normal" here. In addition, OPs mom is not socializing. She's going to bedrooms herself when the rest of the family is eating dinner or doing homework. Her dad is on the phone. So she's alone upstairs digging through everyone's bedrooms. To top it off, she's been doing "her own thing" all her life or else she "easily angers". So no, even based on your "normal" what you have and what the OP has is not the same.

LOL! It is OP's parents, no? They raised her. Their culture is her culture - at least at home. Unless she is married to a someone who is not a part of her culture and objects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. They moved here to be closer to us. They were originally a few hours a way. That was also challenging because they would come visit for long periods of time and not tell us when and how long they were staying. Sometimes it would stretch to months and our house is not very large. To answer a previous poster, she does not like to be tasked with things and is impatient and does not like to cook with the kids.

I can't read any more of your drivel. You win for doormat/martyr of the year. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. They moved here to be closer to us. They were originally a few hours a way. That was also challenging because they would come visit for long periods of time and not tell us when and how long they were staying. Sometimes it would stretch to months and our house is not very large. To answer a previous poster, she does not like to be tasked with things and is impatient and does not like to cook with the kids.

Oh God, what a nightmare. Did you ever tell your parents that this was way too much? Did you push back when they moved 10 min away? Use your words, OP, otherwise how is she to know? If she has a massive tantrum, that's her fault, not yours.

Yes but she gets irate and it's bad for all especially my dad. Whenever she is over (which is daily) we have to have a grandma filter on. If someone does or says something she doesn't like she will start berating them. My middle child is frequently the one that sets her off and they have gotten into screaming matches and I ask her to go home and she refuses. Usually she gets mad at me for not disciplining them to her liking. I don't like conflict with her so I engage very little when she is angry. When she is calm again, we don't revisit the issue again because I am afraid to set her off again. This is my daily life and I don't have a good solution.

Your children deserve better parents. No one would come in to my home and treat my kids like that. You are a terrible parent to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you texted and said "Hey, we won't be home later, so don't come over. See you Tuesday!" And then lock the doors.

I can't relate because nobody has my keys and I keep my doors locked. But also because in my extended family we believe boundaries make good relationships.

No one in your extended family even cares. LOL. Y'all could be dead and people won't check on you.

Gawd you're an idiot. A hillbilly idiot at that.