Parents Have Messed up Priorities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess… you got upset about them posting pictures of the grandkids because of privacy… and now that they post the pets, you get upset? No pleasing you.

[Anonymous]

Some dog people are just weird and think that everyone cares about their dogs as much as they do. I work with people like this. We have a monthly team call with my department head and everyone asks about her dogs, she asks about theirs, they all share dog pictures...yet not one person has ever asked about my children. I get that they don't care, and that's fine, but IDAF about your dogs either. Cat people are worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

But the lesson is bending over backwards to help with childcare isn't going to ensure your kids will be there to help you when you need it. Got it. People seem to hold that over the heads of their parents "don't expect us to help you in old age!" when they clearly don't mean it. Just a bunch of takers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

But the lesson is bending over backwards to help with childcare isn't going to ensure your kids will be there to help you when you need it. Got it. People seem to hold that over the heads of their parents "don't expect us to help you in old age!" when they clearly don't mean it. Just a bunch of takers.

NP-Who says that and who is a taker? It sounds like this lady is loved and surrounded by caring family, as she should be...My own great-aunt actually asked to go to AL being it felt like a wiser set up after she fell. Her dd goes and sees her every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

But the lesson is bending over backwards to help with childcare isn't going to ensure your kids will be there to help you when you need it. Got it. People seem to hold that over the heads of their parents "don't expect us to help you in old age!" when they clearly don't mean it. Just a bunch of takers.

NP-Who says that and who is a taker? It sounds like this lady is loved and surrounded by caring family, as she should be...My own great-aunt actually asked to go to AL being it felt like a wiser set up after she fell. Her dd goes and sees her every day.

So, grandparents should do a lot of child care and expect nothing in return? A few visits in assisted living? That's not what many many posters complain about in here. They want the childcare now or they won't help in the future. Sounds like they just want the child care and have no plans to help in the future, except for an hour visit once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

But the lesson is bending over backwards to help with childcare isn't going to ensure your kids will be there to help you when you need it. Got it. People seem to hold that over the heads of their parents "don't expect us to help you in old age!" when they clearly don't mean it. Just a bunch of takers.

NP-Who says that and who is a taker? It sounds like this lady is loved and surrounded by caring family, as she should be...My own great-aunt actually asked to go to AL being it felt like a wiser set up after she fell. Her dd goes and sees her every day.

It's right on the first page:

"Well that is very selfish. They shouldn’t have had kids in the first place they don’t care about them. That dog is not able to care for them when they get old, so good luck with that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

But the lesson is bending over backwards to help with childcare isn't going to ensure your kids will be there to help you when you need it. Got it. People seem to hold that over the heads of their parents "don't expect us to help you in old age!" when they clearly don't mean it. Just a bunch of takers.

NP-Who says that and who is a taker? It sounds like this lady is loved and surrounded by caring family, as she should be...My own great-aunt actually asked to go to AL being it felt like a wiser set up after she fell. Her dd goes and sees her every day.

It's right on the first page:

"Well that is very selfish. They shouldn’t have had kids in the first place they don’t care about them. That dog is not able to care for them when they get old, so good luck with that."

I don't think that person meant that grandparents should raise their grandkids/give endless childcare, or else...But yes, it is selfish to never want to make your kids' life easier. Would it really be too much for you to (for example) watch grandkids once every few weeks so your child and their spouse can go out to eat, or to take care of them once for a few days because of a major issue? When I think of being helpful that is what I picture, not "sacrificing" older age or losing all ability to do anything. So I think that if you never ever show up for family, it's pretty understandable family won't ever show up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dogs love you unconditionally and always have time for you. Once we don't have to care for kids, we're getting one.

You dogs will do a great job protecting you from being homeless when someone abusive caretaker steals all of your money. Dogs don't care about you. They are just animals and they will gladly eat you if you pass away. Too many instances of this happening.

Don't care, I'm dead. Chow down, Fido!

[Anonymous]

The dogs probably provide a lot more love and comfort to them on a day to day basis. How often do you and your kids call your parents and ask about their lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

But the lesson is bending over backwards to help with childcare isn't going to ensure your kids will be there to help you when you need it. Got it. People seem to hold that over the heads of their parents "don't expect us to help you in old age!" when they clearly don't mean it. Just a bunch of takers.

NP-Who says that and who is a taker? It sounds like this lady is loved and surrounded by caring family, as she should be...My own great-aunt actually asked to go to AL being it felt like a wiser set up after she fell. Her dd goes and sees her every day.

It's right on the first page:

"Well that is very selfish. They shouldn’t have had kids in the first place they don’t care about them. That dog is not able to care for them when they get old, so good luck with that."

I don't think that person meant that grandparents should raise their grandkids/give endless childcare, or else...But yes, it is selfish to never want to make your kids' life easier. Would it really be too much for you to (for example) watch grandkids once every few weeks so your child and their spouse can go out to eat, or to take care of them once for a few days because of a major issue? When I think of being helpful that is what I picture, not "sacrificing" older age or losing all ability to do anything. So I think that if you never ever show up for family, it's pretty understandable family won't ever show up for you.

It really depends on a lot of things. In my case, ne set of grandparents was simply too old to be useful and the others lived too far away. It's not the job of grandparents to make their kids lives "easier" I've never heard that of that. Until recently successive generations did better than the last so it wouldn't have been possible to make life "easier" which presumably means throwing money at. The constant refrain in this forum is that people are incredibly mad their parents aren't giving them money to make life easy, that's what's behind all the Boomer anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP don't be surprised if they are then jealous when those who were involved grandparents get visited far more at the AL years later. My mom was hands off for parenting and grandparenting. She even commented what a fool her sister was for taking her grandparents so much so the adult kids could go on dates, travel as a couple, etc. When the grandkids were born my aunt wanted to go there and be a nanny and chef so my cousin could recuperate. Those grandkids adore her, she adores them, her daughter and SIL are grateful and now years later it's one big love fest at the AL. Nobody wants to visit my mom because she had no interest in any of her grandkids, made everything about her needs, and was manipulative and moody most of her life until they medicated her at AL. I visit because she's medicated and no longer mean, but she doesn't seem to understand my aunt is more popular because she was kind and loving.

Hmmm aunt did all that work and was shunted off to AL? Where is the payback?

She loved AL. She is social and had plenty of friends some from her neighborhood who moved to the same place. The started in independent living when they moved. it was a CCRC. She was safer there too. She also loved being involved with her grandkids. She always said it didn't feel like work at all and they had a close bond. She was so different from my mother (her sister) who saw everything as transactional and if she did even the smallest thing, you owed her. She was that way with "friends" too and they gradually distanced themselves. Even I enjoyed doing things for my aunt and visiting because she didn't feel owed, she just enjoyed the company and help.

But the lesson is bending over backwards to help with childcare isn't going to ensure your kids will be there to help you when you need it. Got it. People seem to hold that over the heads of their parents "don't expect us to help you in old age!" when they clearly don't mean it. Just a bunch of takers.

NP-Who says that and who is a taker? It sounds like this lady is loved and surrounded by caring family, as she should be...My own great-aunt actually asked to go to AL being it felt like a wiser set up after she fell. Her dd goes and sees her every day.

It's right on the first page:

"Well that is very selfish. They shouldn’t have had kids in the first place they don’t care about them. That dog is not able to care for them when they get old, so good luck with that."

I don't think that person meant that grandparents should raise their grandkids/give endless childcare, or else...But yes, it is selfish to never want to make your kids' life easier. Would it really be too much for you to (for example) watch grandkids once every few weeks so your child and their spouse can go out to eat, or to take care of them once for a few days because of a major issue? When I think of being helpful that is what I picture, not "sacrificing" older age or losing all ability to do anything. So I think that if you never ever show up for family, it's pretty understandable family won't ever show up for you.

It really depends on a lot of things. In my case, ne set of grandparents was simply too old to be useful and the others lived too far away. It's not the job of grandparents to make their kids lives "easier" I've never heard that of that. Until recently successive generations did better than the last so it wouldn't have been possible to make life "easier" which presumably means throwing money at. The constant refrain in this forum is that people are incredibly mad their parents aren't giving them money to make life easy, that's what's behind all the Boomer anger.

That's not my family experience at all and not what I mean by making life easier. My grandparents both worked at a factory, and my great grandma watched my mom. Intergenerational help is not some new phenomenon. My own grandparents spent a lot of time with me, and same with dh's grandparents (not a daily thing, just an afternoon here and there I look back on fondly and so does dh). Money not ever on the table as nobody was rich.

But in any case I think you are missing the point which is that yes, absolutely, when you love people you normally want to help them in some way when they struggle: when I see my dcs stressed out, I want to help them, when I had my dcs my mom came over to help me...It's sort of a normal instinct. My personal experience with my in-laws is they never cared but expect a lot from us, including money, and not only do they have zero desire to ever help, they make our life harder. I do think any sort of relationship with one-sided expectations is wrong and unfair, so your case of wanting money from boomer parents while never caring about them would be wrong as well.

[Anonymous]

I think some of our parents had kids because it was what everyone did and it was expected culturally and societally. Many of us had kids because we truly wanted them. I notice the parents growing up in my family and among friends who truly loved parenting are iinvolved grandparents. The ones who suffered through it aren't.

Dogs are easier for many. They seem to provide unconditional love as long as feed them, walk them, pet them and play some. SNL had a skit years ago about what your dog would say if they could talk and they made some dogs very judgmental .

My mother could dish it but could not take it. She was very critical, but you were not allowed to voice anything, but adoration. She also never get help for her mental health and forced us to play not really therapist, but just person to vent to and agree with her at all times. I knew she would not be a help or interested in grandparenting and accepted that, but when I helped her as she aged nothing was enough. The entitlement became too much when I had an ill husband too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are done taking care of you and your kids. They are taking time for themselves and that means enjoying their dogs.

This. Also note that many parents may not want GPs to post pics of their kids.

I never told them they couldn’t do this. I’m just surprised they don’t even want to take picture with the grandkids for themselves to look at later.

Your kids is your responsibility. Maybe they think that you are a slacker parent and will happily punt your kid over to them if they show any interest. They have trained themselves to distance themselves from the toxicity that will happen if they get involved in your life or the lives of your children.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are done taking care of you and your kids. They are taking time for themselves and that means enjoying their dogs.

This. Also note that many parents may not want GPs to post pics of their kids.

I never told them they couldn’t do this. I’m just surprised they don’t even want to take picture with the grandkids for themselves to look at later.

Your kids is your responsibility. Maybe they think that you are a slacker parent and will happily punt your kid over to them if they show any interest. They have trained themselves to distance themselves from the toxicity that will happen if they get involved in your life or the lives of your children.

This

Gross.