Annoyed with spending every Christmas Eve with my inlaws.

[Anonymous]

I have an idea.

Ask for a commitment for a vacation just you and him. Commit to the dates together and buy the tickets as soon as you can. Don’t demand it — just lay it out. He can maybe secure the kid sitters. You can figure out the logistics.

Be romantic about it and entice him in ways they you only know this man.

What a fun way to assert yourself!

— lady who got divorced largely re: family stuff/ tensions that it brought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wish we could leave at 8PM as a previous poster said, but DH won't. Everyone is drinking heavily (except me), teenagers are sneaking off to the backyard with some adults to smoke week, the party will go on until midnight or later and all the adults are heavily inebriated. My SIL will keep her two kids (6 and 8) there until 1AM.

My inlaws also have this tradition of opening their family gifts in front of all their friends and neighbors on Christmas Even; my husband says his Dad (who passed away), always liked the neighbors to see what they're getting for Christmas. It's just such an odd tradition. If it was a nice, calm gathering of family I would have no trouble going until 8 or 9PM. I'm just not into the late partying.

That is not the right environment for my kids, OP. I would make an executive decision not to subject myself or my son to this. Don't forget that when he gets older, he'll be sucked up into the weed and alcohol thing. You don't want him to see that past a certain age, which is coming in about a year or two (right now he probably won't remember what he sees). So you can tell your husband that his family is modeling all the wrong things for your son, and that you are going this year, but it's the last year. If he's the kind to try to leverage his family, tell him this AFTER this year's party.

I fondly remember the large parties in my family for Christmas Eve, but no one got drunk and no one smoked weed. My father didn't like to go, because he was the "sit at home" sort, but he tolerated it for one night. He would never have tolerated it if there had been heavy drinking or weed.

From the initial post, I was gojng to say OP was being unreasonable. But after seeing her follow up. I don’t think she’s being reasonable. That “party” sounds totally miserable. You said they are only 20 minutes away. I would drive separately and leave with the kids at 9. Your husband can take an uber home when he’s ready. I think to do this, you just need to be relentless positive but firm about it. Don’t give him a chance to say you are being bichy about it — so no passive aggressiveness about his family (which would be well deserved). Just say it’s too much for you and kids but he should stay and have a great time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an idea.

Ask for a commitment for a vacation just you and him. Commit to the dates together and buy the tickets as soon as you can. Don’t demand it — just lay it out. He can maybe secure the kid sitters. You can figure out the logistics.

Be romantic about it and entice him in ways they you only know this man.

What a fun way to assert yourself!

— lady who got divorced largely re: family stuff/ tensions that it brought.

Oh, grow up. This isn't TV.

OP's husband is gone "for months at a time" fishing. He's not around to "secure the kid sitters."

There's no "family tensions" here. OP is just being selfish.

[Anonymous]

Did you try to agree that one is Christmas with his family, and the other year you choose how to spend it? A family trip away etc.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a thought….just say no.

[Anonymous]

I would love to see this situation turned into a holiday netflix movie

OP - write a sciprt!

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound selfish. There are 364 other days for "me" time. Christmas Eve is a night for families to be together.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, you seem unreasonable. You should suck it up and do Xmas Eve with in laws.

I hate spending time with my in laws also. I wish I could just do an evening! They have to stay at the house for multiple days. I will take your Xmas Eve dinner!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you spend Christmas Day at home alone?

It is pretty normal to see family over Christmas and sincemany people want Christmas morning at home they often visit on Christmas Eve or the afternoon on Christmas day.

Yes! We spend Christmas at home as a family. My family lives in Canada so I only see them about twice per year, but I am expected to spend every major holiday with my inlaws and am tired of it.

That's not fair and you and your DH should come up with a strategy to keep it fair to both of you. It doesn't have to be a dispute, more of a heart to heart discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, you seem unreasonable. You should suck it up and do Xmas Eve with in laws.

I hate spending time with my in laws also. I wish I could just do an evening! They have to stay at the house for multiple days. I will take your Xmas Eve dinner!!

They should alternate major holidays between her and his family. Not all major holidays only with his side of the family

[Anonymous]

I agree with others you should go for dinner and leave around 8.

You will have to steel yourself for criticism and complaints. Of course discuss with DH beforehand so that he can decide if he wants to come home with you and your DS or stay there longer and take a cab home. But it's not a discussion of whether or not you stay later -- this is a decision you are making for your child and yourself, it is a good compromise because you are still going but leaving at a time that is appropriate for both your son's age and your energy level.

Accept that some people will hate that you leave and some people will talk negatively about you after you leave. If none of these people are your husband, it doesn't really matter. They will find a way to live with it.

It one point, I think it was about 14 years in, I just decided I was done with my BIL (DH's brother) and done with a specific holiday we used to spend with ILs every year that BIL consistently ruined. I'd given it over a decade, I'd been polite and friendly and helpful. But then one year we were there and BIL was yet again raging at my DH over some pointless squabble, and MIL was crying and leaving the room as she always does when BIL rages, and FIL was ignoring the whole thing as though it was normal, and I suddenly felt very peaceful. Because I realized I don't have to do it anymore. At that point, anyone reasonable wouldn't blame me for bowing out (and indeed, MIL and FIL were understanding about it and extended family on his side told me they were impressed I'd done it as long as I had). We of course still see MIL and FIL, and will even see BIL sometimes though I choose to bow out of those activities early to minimize my exposure and my DC's exposure. DH usually leaves with us unless he feels he must stay for another family member (not BIL but sometimes obligations to others).

Look around the family. Are there any other DILs, SILs, cousins, etc., who don't come for this party, or who often come late or leave early (or both). There are numerous in my ILs family, and one day I realized I could just be one of them. If there aren't, you'll be the first but not the last. I promise you are not the only family member who hates these "traditions." Some people will hate you for bowing out early, but others will quietly think you are smarter than everyone else for recognizing what an obnoxious shit show it is and doing what is best for you and your son.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

2 to 2 1/2 hours together on Christmas Eve, ending by 8pm is not a hardship, Op. Not when they live 20min away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your small child enjoy spending Christmas Eve at Grandma and Grandpa’s? If yes, then you need to just suck it up and act happy, sorry to say.

No she does not. She's been doing it for 11 years. Time for a change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people hate only in-laws during holidays?

Yeah I don’t get it.

Why limit to the holidays when you can hate them year round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound selfish. There are 364 other days for "me" time. Christmas Eve is a night for families to be together.

A mother can make her own decision about where her and her children will spend Christmas Eve.