Reply to My husband has been gone for 60 days and I'm realizing my marriage is bad.

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Reply to "My husband has been gone for 60 days and I'm realizing my marriage is bad."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds like your husband didn’t transition into married life. I’m sorry.
Husbands (or wives) should not be spending most of their “free” time with friends and hobbies.  Family first.
Not at work time (nights and weekends for most) with little kids means you take them to the park to play, sit on the floor and build legos with them, you teach them how to ride a bike… not go get drunk while fishing with buddies.[/quote]

This was my marriage too. He went out every morning for workouts and coffees with friends, every evening for happy hours, lots of concerts and galas, filled the weekend with his fishing and biking, did at least 20 nights' worth of guys' trips each year.

I wish I'd realized how unfair and ridiculous that all was. I mean, I did to a certain extent, and I would negotiate little things for myself, but just the sheer imbalance could not be corrected by me asking for two hours of his time every week.

Then he left and OMG THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME. I'm chronically ill and can't work, and I think I just didn't know how to navigate a life without his support. Well I still have his financial support -- I have lifetime alimony, plus half of our assets, some of which generate income. But I don't have to deal with any of his bullshit. It's unbelievable how much of a drain he was on my limited energy and resources.

Anyway, I couldn't see it clearly, through the fear of the unknown. But now I do, and I can't believe what a terrible partner he was. We negotiated that I would have the kids 57% of the time, so he only has to parent for 43%, and he just can't do it. He never has groceries, the dog pees and poops in his house and he doesn't notice, he's constantly gone at social events and then complaining to me that he's just a glorified uber driver (it's called having teenagers). Meanwhile, my house is clean, my laundry is done, and I have time for ME and MY social life!

I actually think he believed I was the reason he didn't have time for everything he wanted to do and why he wasn't happy (and, of course, he had an affair too). Well his life doesn't look any better from this angle. He has less money and less time. I'm saving a hefty sum each month and having the time of my life.

I read a line in a book about someone's daughter saying to her mom, "I don't want to be a wife. I want to be an ex-wife." And I was like, yeah, I feel that.[/quote]

Women who share custody feel refreshed after a divorce because they just got a bunch of free time they never had.

Men feel bogged down post-divorce because they spend a lot more solo time with their kids than before.

Frankly, I feel like most marriages would be in much better places if they got adequate Me Time or Us Time without the kids. Parenting is a massive time suck. The exhilarating feeling many women have post-divorce is either (1) lots of new free time to focus on themselves, (2) less emotional exhaustion by removing the conflict from the household, or (3) some combination of (1) and (2).

Few men lead better lives post-divorce.[/quote]

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