Tell us your deepest secret

[Anonymous]

I hate my husband and feel like I am living someone else’s life. Like my life is the wrong life. He won’t work. Idk how I ended up here and assume it’s my fault and have suicidal ideation most nights in the middle of the night (won’t do it but with 2 kids and as breadwinner am responding to feeling trapped)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm addicted to lorazepam. I take one every late afternoon. I don't drink, but I love my evening calm. My 3 kids and husband don't know, nor anyone else.

not sure this qualifies as addicted

Body gets habituated. Hard to quit. Btdt.

[Anonymous]

I used to be a regular patron of women-only “spa and sauna” in the DC region.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok sure this is anonymous right? I realized in my early 50s that I am bisexual. Female, now 60. It's just so wild. I wonder if other people in my life might suspect.

Uh. You know this happens to every woman, right?

No it doesn’t. You are bi.

All women are bi. Some just don’t admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok sure this is anonymous right? I realized in my early 50s that I am bisexual. Female, now 60. It's just so wild. I wonder if other people in my life might suspect.

Uh. You know this happens to every woman, right?

Hmmm… I’m a 50 year old female and am not attracted to women.

Same here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok sure this is anonymous right? I realized in my early 50s that I am bisexual. Female, now 60. It's just so wild. I wonder if other people in my life might suspect.

Uh. You know this happens to every woman, right?

Hmmm… I’m a 50 year old female and am not attracted to women.

yet

Almost 54 year old here and it’s still hasn’t happened.

[Anonymous]

I got married very young and was stupid and naive, I married a stupid man, a narcissist a real live one with zero empathy or emotion, totally emotionally unavailable, cruel and abusive. I'm trapped now, no friends or family to help me and I'm sick. I don't see any way out. I think about not waking up everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate my husband and feel like I am living someone else’s life. Like my life is the wrong life. He won’t work. Idk how I ended up here and assume it’s my fault and have suicidal ideation most nights in the middle of the night (won’t do it but with 2 kids and as breadwinner am responding to feeling trapped)

I am sorry you feel that way. I was in a similar situation as you, with the same types of thoughts, but I finally got out of it 10 years ago. I raised my DD on my own but it was the best decision ever. You can change your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok sure this is anonymous right? I realized in my early 50s that I am bisexual. Female, now 60. It's just so wild. I wonder if other people in my life might suspect.

Uh. You know this happens to every woman, right?

Hmmm… I’m a 50 year old female and am not attracted to women.

yet

Almost 54 year old here and it’s still hasn’t happened.

I tried once and it grossed me out. I am definitely straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I don't understand anything I do at work. I've had the same job for 28 years, and wonder if the other people who do this understand it but can't figure out a way to ask them without giving away that I don't.

2. Also, if I get too sick or whatever to work before I die, I will be homeless in about 6-8 years after stopping work. If this happens, I will end my life.

3. Speaking of 2, I fully believe in suicide. If someone doesn't want to live, they shouldn't have to. Not all problems are temporary, and I don't think someone should live miserably so other people won't be sad (never mind that not everyone has people who would be sad if they were dead).

My only exception to thinking this is parents - they should live miserably until their kids are at least 24-25, then they can end it. I've known a few people whose parents killed themselves when they (the people I have known) were children, and it really messed them all up deeply.

I've had this stance since I was about 12, and have never wavered.

I think about suicide a lot. I have two kids with special needs, and a marriage where we've grown to resent our lives and each other. But my health prevents me from getting a big enough insurance policy to care for them if I die.

But whether it is done naturally or intentionally, I will evenctually die, and my children still won't be able to care for themselves. There isn't really a good option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I don't understand anything I do at work. I've had the same job for 28 years, and wonder if the other people who do this understand it but can't figure out a way to ask them without giving away that I don't.

2. Also, if I get too sick or whatever to work before I die, I will be homeless in about 6-8 years after stopping work. If this happens, I will end my life.

3. Speaking of 2, I fully believe in suicide. If someone doesn't want to live, they shouldn't have to. Not all problems are temporary, and I don't think someone should live miserably so other people won't be sad (never mind that not everyone has people who would be sad if they were dead).

My only exception to thinking this is parents - they should live miserably until their kids are at least 24-25, then they can end it. I've known a few people whose parents killed themselves when they (the people I have known) were children, and it really messed them all up deeply.

I've had this stance since I was about 12, and have never wavered.

I think about suicide a lot. I have two kids with special needs, and a marriage where we've grown to resent our lives and each other. But my health prevents me from getting a big enough insurance policy to care for them if I die.

But whether it is done naturally or intentionally, I will evenctually die, and my children still won't be able to care for themselves. There isn't really a good option.

I'm so sorry, PP. You don't have to feel like this. I know you think it will be this awful forever, but that's the depression talking. It's lying. It WILL get better. Please call 988 when you have a moment. There IS relief for you. I promise. I promise.
signed, someone who has suffered from depression and has a SN kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate my husband and feel like I am living someone else’s life. Like my life is the wrong life. He won’t work. Idk how I ended up here and assume it’s my fault and have suicidal ideation most nights in the middle of the night (won’t do it but with 2 kids and as breadwinner am responding to feeling trapped)

I am sorry you feel that way. I was in a similar situation as you, with the same types of thoughts, but I finally got out of it 10 years ago. I raised my DD on my own but it was the best decision ever. You can change your situation.

What is it like on the other side?

[Anonymous]

I make a mature porn and sell it online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to be a regular patron of women-only “spa and sauna” in the DC region.

And you're a woman? What's so secretive about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I don't understand anything I do at work. I've had the same job for 28 years, and wonder if the other people who do this understand it but can't figure out a way to ask them without giving away that I don't.

2. Also, if I get too sick or whatever to work before I die, I will be homeless in about 6-8 years after stopping work. If this happens, I will end my life.

3. Speaking of 2, I fully believe in suicide. If someone doesn't want to live, they shouldn't have to. Not all problems are temporary, and I don't think someone should live miserably so other people won't be sad (never mind that not everyone has people who would be sad if they were dead).

My only exception to thinking this is parents - they should live miserably until their kids are at least 24-25, then they can end it. I've known a few people whose parents killed themselves when they (the people I have known) were children, and it really messed them all up deeply.

I've had this stance since I was about 12, and have never wavered.

I think about suicide a lot. I have two kids with special needs, and a marriage where we've grown to resent our lives and each other. But my health prevents me from getting a big enough insurance policy to care for them if I die.

But whether it is done naturally or intentionally, I will evenctually die, and my children still won't be able to care for themselves. There isn't really a good option.

I'm so sorry, PP. You don't have to feel like this. I know you think it will be this awful forever, but that's the depression talking. It's lying. It WILL get better. Please call 988 when you have a moment. There IS relief for you. I promise. I promise.
signed, someone who has suffered from depression and has a SN kid

I appreciate the sentiment. And while I'm sure there's an element of depression, I really think that's it. I've been through that, along with therapy and meds. I don't feel depressed. Sad at times, yes. Mad and resentful, sometimes. Mostly tired.

It's not that normal things that would make other people happy don't make me happy. It's just that my life doesn't contain those things. It's just work, fighting with the school, physically forcing basic executive functions on my child, shuttling between doctors and therapy appointments. Every day.

And it won't get better because that's the reality. People will bring up things like respite care, but, as a parent of a child with special needs, you probably know how limited that is. Given the lead-up effort to arrange it, and dealing with any fallout that occurs, you're lucky if it's a net help at all. Certainly not enough to make life enjoyable.

In some cases, rationally the negative aspects of life dwarf the positives. And that isn't going to change for some people.