Son is lost and really stressed out

[Anonymous]

College isn’t for everyone and we need to make that more socially acceptable. He should have gone to trade school or CC from the start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College isn’t for everyone and we need to make that more socially acceptable. He should have gone to trade school or CC from the start.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College isn’t for everyone and we need to make that more socially acceptable. He should have gone to trade school or CC from the start.

well, hindsight is always 20/20. op's son is still young and growing as a person. i'd not give up on his college dreams yet if he is willing to give another serious shot at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College isn’t for everyone and we need to make that more socially acceptable. He should have gone to trade school or CC from the start.

Trade school is not for everyone either!

I think everyone should try/do CC at least.

[Anonymous]

Right now the feelings are strong because of what others are doing and he has FOMO. Remind him he doesn’t need to sort out all of life right now - just the next few months, as PPs have said. He wants to go back to school? Awesome - he’s going to need to convince the school to take another chance on him. That means buckling down in another program for now to demonstrate a track record of success. Assure him that he is home and you are there to help merely as supports for now. You aren’t undermining his confidence - you are giving him the best chance at success. But that success comes from him striving for it. He needs a job and classes to give him purpose. Push him that much.

[Anonymous]

Late to the party, but in a similar situation with my 19 yo son.

He was an ok HS student, but not a huge fan of school and topics he didn't have interest. Diagnosed with ADHD since elementary and taking meds.

He went to a VA state school about 1.5 hours from our house. Did pretty well for him in the first semester but put all his eggs in one basket from a social standpoint (fraternity) and it didn't work out which led to a disastrous 2nd semester and a lack of communication from him until it was too late. He ended up dropping 3/5 classes and only passed on of the two remaining. Ugh.

Ok. So how does this relate to the OP?

Well, we had a long talk with him about expectations and our thoughts on returning to the state college. Which was, we were not going to pay for another semester until he got his grades straight.

He was luckily receptive to that is now signed up for classes at the local CC. He also has been working and will continue to do so during the semester. Job is pretty lowkey - he has worked at a dog boarding place near our house since he was 16.

Did the CC signup go smoothly - no. There were lots of reminders and a trip by him to the school to get things finally figured out, but it's done.

Good luck and continue to work through things with him. It will work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting him live at home and not pay rent, not work, and not go to school?

NP. Because he's struggling and trying to right the ship. No need to pile on at this point b/c of some arbitrary conclusion of what 20 years old is supp'd to look like. Help him get his mental health right. Set small goals and steps to work toward what he wants. And there are a number of ways this could look: community college for a semester or to make up classes he failed with a goal of return to a four year uni by X date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College isn’t for everyone and we need to make that more socially acceptable. He should have gone to trade school or CC from the start.

I get this is the hot new line for young adults but trades are not for everyone either. It's not some light at the end of the tunnel for kids who can't or don't want to do the college thing. It's hard work. Long hours. And takes a toll on your body. My family is full of tradesmen and women so I have experience with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: we’re definitely a team and I obviously love him more than anything but he’s just resistant to any ideas I have to offer and just seems stuck on returning to where he was, which isn’t possible because the school won’t let him return because of his grades. I do think he needs to get a job and hopefully start at community college, which might be too late for this semester, but he can’t seem to get motivated to do anything. I think he was depressed at school and I didn’t realize it so he’s likely been in this state for a while so not sure how long it will take to get out of it and how much I should push?

If he is interested in returning, he should contact the school and find out what credits they need and if they accept them from CC. He will have a clear understanding of what is expected of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting him live at home and not pay rent, not work, and not go to school?

He is seeing a therapist and he is on medication. He has an illness. If he was blowing off the therapist that might be a different story.

Does he share anything about what is going on with his therapy? When my adult son was in therapy he didn't give me blow by blow necessarily but he was fine talking about it generally.

Ask if he would be willing to have you meeting with him and the therapist to discuss progress and plans. You are a partner in his recovery since you are providing a home for him and I assume covering the insurance and costs. Alternatively, although the therapist cannot give you information without his consent, you can certainly let them know that as the parent you don't want to interfere with or undermine therapy but because this is a college age kid who is struggling and it is summer you think it would be helpful to figure out the outline of what should be happening now and when fall comes. Plus you want to be able to support the therapist's recommendations. The therapist can then bring this up with your son and they can decide how to approach things.

If he had a physical illness or injury and needed rehab, it would be perfectly normal for you to participate in some conversations about prognosis and expectations so you can provide appropriate support.

That's where I would start. Why figure this out by yourself when there is an actual professional (probable two unless the therapist is also the prescriber) involved?

[Anonymous]

i’m sure he can find a couple of classes at community college that have space even virtual. he should start there to try to increase his gpa and look for a job or internship he might enjoy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i’m sure he can find a couple of classes at community college that have space even virtual. he should start there to try to increase his gpa and look for a job or internship he might enjoy

Perhaps he should take a break from school altogether and focus on regaining his mental and physical health.

[Anonymous]

Did your son get depressed because he was failing courses -or- did he become depressed and as a result, failed courses? If he was struggling with his courses, did he know how to seek help: 1) going to office hours with the professor and/or TA, 2) going to the offices on campus where extra help/support is offered for writing, math, etc, 3) hire a tutor for those classes, 4) find buddies in those classes to work and study with and 5) ask to meet with the professor one-on-one outside office hours. A lot of young students may not know what to do when they find themselves struggling. If that is the case, then he should give college another try somehow. If he became depressed while at college and this affected his grades/performance, then I would have him meet with a therapist to discuss what he's going through and also meet with his psychiatrist to make sure his medications are at the right dosage.

Either way, it sounds like he is having a hard time with the fact that his peers are going back to school and he is not sure what his next steps will be. That is understandable. I would tell him that it's rare for people his age to have things all figured out. Many kids are taking a gap year now or after they graduate. Many are unsure what they want to major in and what they want to do in life. Many will switch majors. Many will want to transfer out of their colleges. He doesn't need to have it figured out right now.

It sounds like even though he didn't have a successful semester and came home to regroup, he is being hard on himself. He needs to be kind to himself. Everyone has a time in their life when they are struggling, and he will get through this.

Does he have any learning differences that may have gone unnoticed? My child was always on the honor roll with high grades, but was working twice as hard to get them. An evaluation was very helpful and child qualified for extra time on tests, etc.

[katherine456]

I went through something similar. What helped me was focusing on small steps like a part-time job or one community college class rather than trying to plan everything at once.

[Anonymous]

OP - The first thing to do is to follow up the identification of ADHD with a full mental health evaluation by a psychiatrist with a focus on the age group to identify if it is depression, anxiety etc. Even to treat the ADHD if it is a new medication it can take several weeks to take full effect. Another check would be to see how his sleep cycle is as that could be an indicator of when things start going south. Unless his mental health is dealt with, he may continue to make little forward progress.

I agree he needs to find a routine, but it might be wise to start with seeing he is physically fit and giving him options on joining a fitness center or other sports option as going to swim regular, joinng a running group. It just might be he needs small steps. Also in terms of routine, set a schedule for tasks at home he is reponsible for since you him a place to stay and food on the table. Doing his laundry, taking care of his room/bathroom and even making dinner. Also helping with outdoor yard work and car care could be options.

Then moving onto the option of school, part-time job and or volunteer work once you know he is mentally and physically fit. I think he definitely needs therapy to help him figure things out, too. We did this twice with a daughter during undergrad and grad school and dealing with her health first was key. It is only a small part of a life, but it is overwhelming when swimming in the middle of the tidal wave. Expectations are great to have, but he needs to be capable of even trying. Depression especially can be killing on the mental and physical energy level.